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Old 04-15-2011, 01:24 PM   #2641
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MichaelB View Post
The girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrr-gerrrrr-Kiiiiing."

I love that one. The way I heard it (at least 30 years ago), involved the town of Natchitoches, Louisiana, and DAY-REE KWEEN.
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California Bashin' on a winters day...
Old 04-16-2011, 08:04 PM   #2642
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California Bashin' on a winters day...

What's the Difference Between California in 1850, AND Today?

California became a state. The State had no electricity. The State had no money. Almost everyone spoke Spanish. There were gun fights in the streets.

So basically, it was just like Californis is today except the women had real breasts and men didn't hold hands.
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Old 04-17-2011, 07:35 PM   #2643
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A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, ' Dark in here.'
The man says, 'Yes, it is.'
Boy: 'I have a baseball..'
Man: 'That's nice'
Boy: 'Want to buy it?'
Man: 'No, thanks.'
Boy: 'My Dad's outside.'
Man: 'OK, how much?'
Boy: '$250'
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy: 'Dark in here.'
Man: 'Yes, it is.'
Boy: 'I have a baseball glove.'
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'How much?'
Boy: '$750'
Man: 'Sold.'
A few days later, the Dad says to the boy, 'Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch.'
The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove.'
The Dad asks, 'How much did you sell them for?'
Boy: '$1,000'
The Dad says, 'That's terrible to over charge your friends like that....that is way more than those two things cost. I'm taking you to church, to confession.'
They go to the church and the Dad makes the little boy sit in the confessional booth and closes the door..
The boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The priest says, 'Don't start that **** again; you're in my closet now.'
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Old 04-17-2011, 11:10 PM   #2644
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Country-Western Song Titles I'd like to See
  1. I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well
  2. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here
  3. I've Got Tears In My Ears From Lyin' On My Back and Cryin' Over You
  4. She's Actin' Single and I'm Drinkin' Doubles
  5. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye
  6. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
  7. I Fell In A Pile Of You And Got Love All Over Me
  8. I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You
  9. I'd Rather Have A Bottle In Front Of Me Than A Frontal Lobotomy
  10. If My Nose Were Full of Nickels, I'd Blow It All On You
  11. If The Phone Doesn't Ring, It's Me
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Old 04-18-2011, 07:26 AM   #2645
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Hot and Cold Sex


After an examination, the doctor said to his patient: 'You appear to be in
good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me
about?'

'In fact, I do.' said the old man. "After my wife and I have sex, I'm
usually cold and chilly; and then, after I have sex with her the second
time, I'm usually hot and sweaty."


When the doctor examined his wife a short time later he said, 'Everything
appears to be fine. Are there any medical concerns that you would like to
discuss with me?'


The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.


The doctor then said to her: 'Your husband mentioned an unusual problem. He
claimed that he was usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the
first time; and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you have any
idea about why?'


"Oh, that crazy old coot'' she replied. "That's because the first time is
usually in January, and the second time is in August."
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Old 04-18-2011, 12:00 PM   #2646
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My Favorite Animal

Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."

She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else in the class laughed.
My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much.

I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children.
So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.
She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again. I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.

I told her, "Colonel Sanders."
Guess where the
Heck I am...
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Old 04-18-2011, 02:10 PM   #2647
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Geography Lesson of the Day





That concludes ourGeography Lesson of the Day!
Thank you and please pass on this knowledge.
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Old 04-19-2011, 11:03 AM   #2648
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Marriage Counseling


After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling.
When
asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful
tirade
listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been
married.

On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness,
feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she
had
endured.

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the
therapist
got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand,
embraced
and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised
eyebrow.
The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The
therapist
turned to the husband and said, 'this is what your wife needs at least 3
times a week. Can you do this?'

'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on
Fridays, I
fish.'
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Old 04-19-2011, 11:15 AM   #2649
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By today's standards none of us were supposed to ever make it.

HIGHSCHOOL -- 1957 vs. 2010

Scenario 1:
Jack goes quail hunting before school and then pulls into the school parking lot with his shotgun in his truck's gun rack.
1957 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.
2010 - School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.

Scenario 2:
Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.
1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
2010 - Police called and SWAT team arrives -- they arrest both Johnny and Mark. They are both charged with assault and both expelled even though Johnny started it.

Scenario 3:
Jeffrey will not be still in class, he disrupts other students.
1957 - Jeffrey sent to the Principal's office and given a good paddling by the Principal. He then returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2010 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. He becomes a zombie. He is then tested for ADD. The family gets extra money (SSI) from the government because Jeffrey has a disability.

Scenario 4:
Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college and becomes a successful businessman.
2010 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse, Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. The state psychologist is told by Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has an affair with the psychologist.

Scenario 5:
Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.
1957 - Mark shares his aspirin with the Principal out on the smoking dock.
2010 - The police are called and Mark is expelled from school for drug violations. His car is then searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario 6:
Pedro fails high school English.
1957 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English and goes to college.
2010 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against the state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English is then banned from core curriculum. Pedro is given his diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

Scenario 7:
Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the Fourth of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up a red ant bed.
1957 - Ants die.
2010- ATF, Homeland Security and the FBI are all called. Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism.The FBI investigates his parents - and all siblings are removed from their home and all computers are confiscated. Johnny's dad is placed on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario 8:
Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.
1957 –In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2010 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.
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Old 04-19-2011, 02:29 PM   #2650
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Quote:
Originally Posted by packrat44 View Post
..........
Scenario 3:
Jeffrey will not be still in class, he disrupts other students.
1957 - Jeffrey sent to the Principal's office and given a good paddling by the Principal. He then returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2010 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. He becomes a zombie. He is then tested for ADD. The family gets extra money (SSI) from the government because Jeffrey has a disability. ..........

Boy, I sure miss the good old days when kids with ADHD were beaten.
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Old 04-19-2011, 05:17 PM   #2651
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If we're going to take issue with a joke, then:

Quote:
Originally Posted by packrat44 View Post
Scenario 8:
Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.
1957 –In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2010 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.
Only 3 years, not 30?
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Old 04-19-2011, 09:50 PM   #2652
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OOOPS!
Be sure to always have your boarding pass checked!!!!!!!!!!!!



Randy
ALWAYS ASK, NEVER ASSUME !!

His request approved, the CNN News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight.


He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.



Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger.





He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'.



The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.





Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'



'Why?' asked the pilot.



'Because I'm a photographer for CNN' , he responded, 'and I need to get some close up shots.'



The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me, is . . . You're NOT my flight instructor?'


























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Old 04-20-2011, 02:49 AM   #2653
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The Sierra Club and the U.S. Forest Service were presenting an alternative to the Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population. It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true method of shooting or trapping the predators, the Sierra Club had a "more humane" solution to this issue. What they were proposing was for the animals to be captured alive. The males would then be castrated and let loose again. This was ACTUALLY proposed by the Sierra Club and by the U.S. Forest Service. All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes. Finally an old fellow wearing a big cowboy hat in the back of the conference room stood up, tipped his hat back and said; "Son, I don't think you understand our problem here... these coyotes ain't F**^%*' our sheep... they're eatin' 'em!" The meeting never really got back to order. . ..
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And they say good communication is the key to a happy marriage.
Old 04-20-2011, 05:27 PM   #2654
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And they say good communication is the key to a happy marriage.

True story:

On my way to an evening meeting, I decided to send my wife a clear message. I turned on the stereo, and put Lets Spend the Night Together, by the Rolling Stones, on repeat.

I spent the entirety of that never ending meeting chuckling at my own cleverness and daydreaming about what awaited me at home.

Returning home I could barely control my excitement. The bedroom light was on, and music was playing! Upon entering the bedroom my wifes desires became clear. She slept, while my stereo repeated another classic Stones tune: You Can't Always Get What You Want.
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AARP FAQ's
Old 04-22-2011, 10:14 AM   #2655
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AARP FAQ's

Q: Where can single men over the age of 50 find younger women who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore, under Fiction.

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you're done, you’ll have a place to live.

Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the bible... Is that true and if so where can it be found?
A: Yes. Matthew 14:92:
"And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt ..."

Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your over-50 year-old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.

Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?
A: Take off your glasses.

Q: Seriously! What can I do for these crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?
A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out..

Q: Why should 50-plus year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.

Q: Is it common for 50-plus year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is fine, Retrieving it is the problem.

Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q: Where should 50-plus year olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.

Q: What is the most common remark made by 50-plus year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: "Gosh, I remember these!"
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Old 04-24-2011, 09:29 AM   #2656
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What’s the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?

One’s a superhero and the other is an instruction.
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Old 04-24-2011, 10:46 AM   #2657
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Life lessons learned from the Easter Bunny:


Good things come in small, sugar coated packages.

The grass is always greener in someone else's basket.

To show your true colors, you have to come out of the shell.

Don't put all your eggs in one basket.

Everyone needs a friend who is all ears.

Everyone is entitled to a bad hare day.

There's no such thing as too much candy.

All work and no play can make you a basket case.

A cute tail attracts a lot of attention.

Some body parts should be floppy.

Keep your paws off of other people's jelly beans.
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Old 04-25-2011, 07:42 PM   #2658
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I was in Starbucks recently when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat of the music.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me....

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

...and how is your day going
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Old 04-27-2011, 03:19 PM   #2659
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CONFUCIUS DIDN'T SAY...

Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.

Squirrel who runs up woman’s leg will not find nuts.

Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.

Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind car gets exhausted.

Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.

War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It takes many nails to build a crib, but one screw to fill it.

Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.

Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!
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Men Teaching Classes - for Women
Old 05-02-2011, 02:07 PM   #2660
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Men Teaching Classes - for Women

Men Teaching Classes -- for Women at

THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER


REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED

By Sun, May 8, 2011


NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL

OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM .

Class 1

Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat

Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.

Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM..



Class 2

Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down,


or Bitching About It for 3 Hours?

Round Table Discussion.

Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.


Class 3

Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping?--Group Debate.

Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.


Class 4

Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase--


Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.

Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.


Class 5

Curling Irons--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?

Examples on Video.

Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
At 7:00 PM



Class 6

How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program

Help Line Support and Support Groups.

Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM



Class 7

Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?

Open Forum .

Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.


Class 8

Health Watch--They Make Medicine for PMS - USE IT!

Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.


Class 9

I Was Wrong and He Was Right!--Real Life Testimonials.

Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.


Class 10

How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.

Driving Simulations.

4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.




Class 11

Learning to Live--How to Apply Brakes



Without Throwing Passengers


Through the Windshield.

Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined


Class 12

How to Shop by Yourself.

Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
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