It's funny joke Thursday! 2005 - 2020

[Chuckanut]

A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

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1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

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2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'

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3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

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4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

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5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

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6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

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7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

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8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

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9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

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10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

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11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

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12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

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13.. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

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14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

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15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!



PS: Only share this with friends who have a good sense of humour (NOT humor)!

 

[Meadbh]

As it happens, QE2 does have a good sense of humour!

The Liffey Press Queen Elizabeth visit to Cork

 

[Alan]

Two guys were talking and one says, "My mother-in-law is an angel". The other replies, "Lucky you, mine is still alive".

 

[braumeister]

A Federally funded research grant revealed the following:


A new study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than do the men who mention it....

 

[MichaelB]

Now that we're talking mothers-in-law,

Q: What's the definition of mixed feelings?

A: When your mother-in-law drives off a cliff in your new BMW.

 

[sheldon cornped]

A very sad passing that Cooks everywhere will Mourn

A very sad passing that Cooks everywhere will Mourn


The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The gravesite was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.

Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very 'smart' cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes.

Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was considered a roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play-Dough; two children, John Dough and Jane Dough; plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes

 

[Alan]

"I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess.
I have been using your wife, day and night when you're not around.
In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse.
I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest
apology with my promise that it won't happen again."

The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun,
and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text came in:

Damn autocorrect. I meant "wifi", not "wife".

 

[travelover]

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law?
I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

 

[GalaxyBoy]

A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands. When the National Anthem started, the doctor yelled, "Up Nuts", and the patients complied by standing up. After the anthem, he yelled "Down Nuts" and they all sat back down in their seats. After a home run was hit, the doctor yelled, "Cheer Nuts" and they all broke out into applause and cheered. When the umpire made a particularly bad call against the star of the home team, the Doctor yelled,"Boooo Nuts", and they all started booing and cat calling. Comfortable with their response, the doctor decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned, there was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, the doctor asked, "What in the world happened?" The assistant replied, "Well everything was going just fine until this guy walked by and yelled, "Peanuts".

 

[HFWR]

 

[Nodak]

.

 

[Nodak]

April 3rd and it's snowing again.

 

[mickeyd]

Noone here can sing the Blues

If you're new to Blues music, or you like it but never really understood the whys and wherefores, here are some very fundamental rules:


1. Most Blues begin with: "Woke up this morning..."


2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."


3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then, find something that rhymes -- sort of:


Got a good woman with the meanest face in town.

Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town.

Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and she weigh 500 pound."


4. The Blues is not about choice. "You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch...ain't no way out."


5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs, and broken-down trucks.

Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles.

Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the Blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.


6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet.

Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.


7. Blues can take place in New York City, but not in Hawaii or anywhere in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle are probably just clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis, Kansas City, Memphis, and N'awlins are still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the Blues in any place that don't get rain.


8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the Blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg 'cause you were skiing is not the Blues. Breaking your leg 'cause a alligator be chomping on it is.


9. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.


10. Good places for the Blues:

a. highway,
b. jailhouse,
c. empty bed,
d. bottom of a whiskey glass.


11. Bad places for the Blues:

a. Nordstrom's,
b. gallery openings,
c. Ivy League institutions,
d. golf courses.


12. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, less you happen to be an old person, and you slept in it.


13. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if:

a. you're older than dirt,
b. you're blind,
c. you shot a man in Memphis,
d. you can't be satisfied.

No, if:

a. you have all your teeth,
b. you were once blind but now can see,
c. the man in Memphis lived,
d. you have a 401 K or trust fund.


14. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the Blues. Sonny Liston could have. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the Blues.


15. If you ask for water and your darlin' gives you gasoline, it's the Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are:
a. cheap wine,
b. whiskey or bourbon,
c. muddy water,
d. black coffee.

The following are NOT Blues beverages:

a. Perrier,
b. Chardonnay,
c. Snapple,
d. Slim Fast.


16. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So are the electric chair, substance abuse, and dying lonely on a broken-down cot.

You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or while getting liposuction.


17. Some Blues names for women:

a. Sadie,
b. Big Mama,
c. Bessie,
d. Jennie.


18. Some Blues names for men:
a. Joe,
b. Willie,
c. Little Willie,
d. Big Willie.


19. Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Jennifer, Debbie, and Heather can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.


20. Blues Name Starter Kit:

a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.),
b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Peach, etc.),
c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.).

For example: Blind Lemon Jefferson, Pegleg Lime Johnson, or Cripple Peach Fillmore, etc.


21. I don't care how tragic your life is; if you own a computer, you cannot sing the blues, period. Sorry.

 

[frayne]

Wayne was teeing off from the men's tee. On his downswing, he realised that his wife was teeing up on the woman's tee directly in front of him. Unable to stop his swing, he nailed it, and hit her directly in the head, killing her instantly.

A few days later, Wayne got a call from the coroner regarding her autopsy.

Coroner: "Wayne, your wife seemed to have died from blunt force trauma to the head. You said you hit a golf ball and hit her in the
Head, is that correct ?"

Wayne : "Yes mate, that's correct."

Coroner: "Well, inexplicably I found a golf ball wedged up her arse."

Wayne : "Was it a Titleist 3 ?"

Coroner: "It was, yes"

Wayne : "That was my provisional"

 

[robnplunder]

Wayne was teeing off from the men's tee. On his downswing, he realised that his wife was teeing up on the woman's tee directly in front of him. Unable to stop his swing, he nailed it, and hit her directly in the head, killing her instantly.

A few days later, Wayne got a call from the coroner regarding her autopsy.

Coroner: "Wayne, your wife seemed to have died from blunt force trauma to the head. You said you hit a golf ball and hit her in the
Head, is that correct ?"

Wayne : "Yes mate, that's correct."

Coroner: "Well, inexplicably I found a golf ball wedged up her arse."

Wayne : "Was it a Titleist 3 ?"

Coroner: "It was, yes"

Wayne : "That was my provisional"

This joke reminds me ... DW hit me with a golf shot once. I dropped to my knee and was in pain for a few minutes. Normally, she is very accurate and gets compliments from those who play with us. But for those times when I am in front of her (playing ready golf on busy weekend), I become her ball magnet so much so that I think she is trying to communicate with me ... .

 

[Revlefty]

Did you hear about the lady who was so dumb that when the doctor told her she was pregnant, she asked for a DNA test to prove the baby was hers?

 

[FireBug]

Guy shows up at the golf course one day. States boldly, “I have here the last golf ball you’ll ever need to buy. This golf ball is IMPOSSIBLE TO LOSE”

They all snark and guy says, “Watch this.” He hits it into the rough. No sooner does it land, when out pops small lawn mower blades from the sides. The ball cuts a path back to green, rolls forward and stops and the blades retract. He then hits it into the water, small pontoons come out, along with a small motor and it sails over to the bank.

Amazed, the group is speechless. One finally speaks up. “Incredible”, he says. “I have to have that. Where can I buy them?”

Guy says, “Not sure. I found this one”

 

[imoldernu]

Husband’s Text (by mobile phone):

Darling, I’ve been hit by a car outside
the office. Paula brought me to the
Hospital. They have been making tests
and taking X-rays.

The blow to my head has been very strong
but fortunately it seems that did not cause
any serious injury.

However, I have three broken ribs, a
compound fracture in the left leg, and they
may have to amputate the right foot.



Wife’s Response:





Who’s Paula?

 

[HFWR]

For curmudgeons everywhere...

 

[REWahoo]

Great text messages from parents to their kids: Funniest Texts Between Parents And Their Children Ever Sent. You'll Appreciate This!

 

[Nodak]

.

 

[Accidental Retiree]

Great text messages from parents to their kids: Funniest Texts Between Parents And Their Children Ever Sent. You'll Appreciate This!

Best giggles I've enjoyed in a long time!

 

[TromboneAl]

Kid's Joke:

Question: Mr. and Mrs. Bigger had a baby boy. Who was bigger, Mr. Bigger or the baby?

Answer: The baby was a little bigger.

 

[Walt34]

Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So I went to a shrink and told him.



"I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy." "Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come talk with me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears." "How much do you charge?" I asked. "Eighty dollars per visit," replied the doctor. "I'll sleep on it, " I said. Six months later the doctor met me on the street. "Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?" he asked. "Well, eighty bucks a visit, three times a week for a year, is $12,480.00. A bartender cured me for $10.00. I was so happy to have saved all that money I went and bought myself a new pickup truck." "Is that so?" with a bit of attitude he said. "And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?" "He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Nobody under there now."


Forget the shrinks. Have a drink and talk to a bartender! It's always better to get a second opinion.
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[REWahoo]

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