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Old 07-20-2011, 10:05 AM   #2721
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For us old pharts…..

The Green Thing.......


In the line at the store, the cashier told an older woman that she should bring her own grocery bags because plastic bags weren't good for the environment.

The woman apologized to him and explained, "We didn't have the green thing back in my day."

The clerk responded, “That’s our problem today. Your generation did not care enough to save our environment."

He was right -- our generation didn't have the green thing in its day.

Back then, we returned milk bottles, soda bottles and beer bottles to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they really were recycled.

But we didn't have the green thing back in our day.

We walked up stairs, because we didn't have an escalator in every store and office building. We walked to the grocery store and didn't climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time we had to go two blocks.

But she was right. We didn't have the green thing in our day.

Back then, we washed the baby's diapers because we didn't have the throw-away kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy gobbling machine burning up 220 volts -- wind and solar power really did dry the clothes. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing. But that old lady is right; we didn't have the green thing back in our day.

Back then, we had one TV, or radio, in the house -- not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief (remember them?), not a screen the size of the state of Montana.

In the kitchen, we blended and stirred by hand because we didn't have electric machines to do everything for us.

When we packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, we used a wadded up old newspaper to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap.

Back then, we didn't fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power. We exercised by working so we didn't need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity.

But she's right; we didn't have the green thing back then.

We drank from a fountain when we were thirsty instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time we had a drink of water.

We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull.

But we didn't have the green thing back then.

Back then, people took the streetcar or a bus and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their moms into a 24-hour taxi service.

We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And we didn't need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 2,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest pizza joint.


She was right. We didn't have the green thing in our day.
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Old 07-27-2011, 03:45 AM   #2722
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My next door neighbour, a rather large woman, has just had a pair of her knickers stolen from her clothes line.

She is not bothered about the knickers but would appreciate the return of the twelve pegs please.


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Old 07-27-2011, 05:14 AM   #2723
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DSK turns up for work one day at the IMF. His colleagues notice something sticking out from under his collar. On closer inspection, it's clearly the frilly edge of an item of women's underwear. Maybe it got mixed up with his shirt during a hurried shedding of clothes ?

They bring it discreetly to his attention.

"Oh, that?", says DSK. "I'm trying to give it up, so the doctor prescribed me a patch."
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Old 07-29-2011, 05:31 PM   #2724
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Lipstick in Catholic School....
According to a news report, a certain private Catholic school was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.
That was fine provided it was of a natural or neutral skintone, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.
Finally the principal, Sister Mary, decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that al lthese lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, Sister Mary asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.
Since then,there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers..... And then there are educators!!!
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Old 07-29-2011, 05:37 PM   #2725
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ITALIAN BOY'S CONFESSION



'Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
I have been with a loose girl'.
The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?
'Yes, Father, it is.'
'And who was the girl you were with?'
'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation'.
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later
so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?
'I cannot say.'
'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'
'I'll never tell.'
'Was it Nina Capelli?'
'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'
'Was it Cathy Piriano?'
'My lips are sealed.'
'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'
'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'
The priest sighs in frustration.
'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that.
But you've sinned and have to atone.
You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months.
Now you go and behave yourself.'
Joey walks back to his pew,
and his friend Franco slides over and whispers,
'What'd you get?'
'Four months vacation and five good leads.'
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Old 07-30-2011, 04:09 PM   #2726
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After being married for twenty five years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.

He looked at her slowly... then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

She asks, "What does that mean?"

He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot."

She smiled happily and said, "Oh, that's so lovely. .. What about I, J, K?"

He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"

...

His eye is still swollen but it will get better.
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Old 07-30-2011, 08:02 PM   #2727
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Summer in southern Arizona



IT'S SO HOT THAT.....
-- the birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.
-- farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard-boiled eggs.
-- the cows are giving evaporated milk.
-- the trees are whistling for the dogs.
-- you eat hot chilies to cool your mouth off.
-- you learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.
-- the temperature drops below 95, you feel a bit chilly.
-- you notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
-- hot water now comes out of both taps.
-- it's noon in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person is out on the streets.
-- you actually burn your hand opening the car door.
-- your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"
-- you realize that asphalt has a liquid state.
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Old 08-02-2011, 09:56 AM   #2728
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Found in AVweb. An aviation website.

"Back in the mid-'80s, Piedmont Airlines began flying out of Worcester airport (ORH) in Massachusetts to Baltimore/Washington International airport (BWI). A flight crew requested their IFR clearance, and I dutifully rattled it off to them in typical New England air traffic control fashion. As I concluded, the response I received in a thick Southern drawl was priceless:

Airplane 1234:
"Woostasure clearance — do yuh hear how fayust I'muh tawkin'? Well, that's how fayust I listen. You wanna run that by me — one — moe — tawm — ?"


Dave Khanoyan"

For non-fliers: IFR= Instrument Flight Rules
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Old 08-02-2011, 10:30 AM   #2729
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Originally Posted by ls99 View Post
Airplane 1234:
"Woostasure clearance — do yuh hear how fayust I'muh tawkin'? Well, that's how fayust I listen. You wanna run that by me — one — moe — tawm — ?"
I know exactly how he feels...
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Old 08-08-2011, 08:05 AM   #2730
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Recent post going around on FB:

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you would have $49.00 today! If you purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG, you would have $33.00. If you purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers, you would have $0.00 today. But, if you purchased $1,000 worth of beer, drank all the beer, turned in the aluminum cans for recycling, you would have $214.00. Therefore the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle. It is called the 401-Keg Plan!
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The Economy in Four Short Acts
Old 08-10-2011, 10:03 AM   #2731
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The Economy in Four Short Acts

Borrowed from Mother Jones...
Quote:
Shorter Fed: The economy sucks really badly, but we're not going to do anything about it. Have a nice day!

Shorter Republicans: Pain is good for you, so we're not going to do anything either. Or allow anyone else to do anything. See you next November!

Shorter Democrats: We'd like to do something but there's nothing we can do. Sorry, folks!

Shorter Obama: Prosperity is just around the corner. This time for sure. Clap louder!
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Old 08-10-2011, 01:01 PM   #2732
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Saw this on Bogleheads, made me laugh. If I was at the controls it would be doing more than hovering

Predator Drone Seen Hovering over Standard & Poor’s Headquarters « Borowitz Report
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Old 08-10-2011, 04:27 PM   #2733
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Borrowed from Mother Jones...
+1 pretty funny.
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Old 08-14-2011, 03:39 PM   #2734
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Manure...
An interesting fact

Manure: In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship and it was also before commercial fertilizer's invention, so large shipments of manure were common.

It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by product is methane gas. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen.
Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!

Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening
After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term 'Ship High In Transit' on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.

Thus evolved the term ' S.H.I.T ' , (Ship High In Transit) which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.
You probably did not know the true history of this word.


Neither did I.

I had always thought it was a golf term.
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To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity
Old 08-15-2011, 02:43 PM   #2736
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To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

1. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write 'For Marijuana.’
2. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
3. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'
4. Sing Along At The Opera.
5. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You have a headache.
6. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'
7. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'

And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity

8. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.
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Old 08-15-2011, 05:29 PM   #2737
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3. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'
I actually did this once, a few years ago. Not as a joke, but in a distracted, "senior moment" way.

Fortunately, I was alone in the car, but the embarrassment was extreme, nonetheless. The poor cashier could hardly hand me my order, she was laughing so hard.
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Old 08-15-2011, 09:54 PM   #2738
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mickeyd View Post
Manure...
An interesting fact

Manure: In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship and it was also before commercial fertilizer's invention, so large shipments of manure were common.

It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by product is methane gas. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen.
Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!

Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening
After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term 'Ship High In Transit' on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.

Thus evolved the term ' S.H.I.T ' , (Ship High In Transit) which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.
You probably did not know the true history of this word.

Neither did I.

I had always thought it was a golf term.
I always learn something useful on this forum!
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Old 08-16-2011, 11:23 AM   #2739
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10 cents a minute

Dealing with the freaking telephone "courtesy" calls at dinner.
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Old 08-16-2011, 05:33 PM   #2740
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Not a joke, but I wasn't sure where else to post the wreck of a truck full of printer ink.



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