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Old 09-12-2011, 12:54 PM   #2761
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Those that can't read must be in trouble

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Old 09-13-2011, 07:40 AM   #2762
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Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods.
A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to
the birch, Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'

The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands
On the sapling. The birch says, 'Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies,
'It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into.'
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Old 09-15-2011, 06:42 PM   #2763
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You will know you are old when your wife says,"let's run upstairs and make love," and your answer is,"honey I cannot do both."
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Old 09-15-2011, 08:13 PM   #2764
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Q: What's the difference between an art major and a large pizza?
A: The pizza will be able to feed a family of four.

(I apologize to all art majors out there!)
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Old 09-15-2011, 08:23 PM   #2765
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Hope this hasn't been posted yet



A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife..

She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch,
but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk..

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.
For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.
Two o'clock and no hired hand.

Finally he returned a round two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."
He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my stockings."

He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
"Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."
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Old 09-16-2011, 05:49 PM   #2766
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After 40 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.

On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unloveable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.


Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow.


The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"


"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."


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Old 09-16-2011, 06:32 PM   #2767
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The wife notices the faucet is dripping, so she asks her hubby to fix it. He looks at her and says “I’m not a plumber”

The next day her car won’t start. She asks her husband to fix it and he says “I’m not a mechanic”.

That evening the dining room light won’t turn on. She tells her husband and he replies “well, I’m not an electrician”.

The next day he leaves on a business trip. When he returns he notices the faucet is fixed, the car is running and dining room light is working. He smiles at his dear wife and asks her what she did. She replies “Monday I called a plumber to come fix the faucet, Tuesday I called a mechanic to come start the car and Wednesday I called an electrician to come fix the dining room light. Guess what? You took the checkbook and I didn’t have any way to pay them”

The husband looks at her and says “so what did you do?”

The wife answers “Well, I told each one that I didn’t have any money and they would have to wait. They each said no, but each one did give me the option of cooking them some pies or having sex with them”

The husband smiles and asks “What kind of pies did you bake”, and the wife says

“I’m not a baker"
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Old 09-16-2011, 09:17 PM   #2768
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I don't think they spelled it right.

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Old 09-16-2011, 09:30 PM   #2769
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I don't think they spelled it right.
What is the missing word?

Familiarizing

Frizzing

Fraternizing

Flummoxing

Fusing

Fornicating

I give up - just can't figure out what the missing word is. Need to brush up on my vocabulary.
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Old 09-16-2011, 09:30 PM   #2770
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Too bad, you were getting close.
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Old 09-17-2011, 01:13 PM   #2771
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I don't think they spelled it right.
That's the difference between "writing" and "editing"...
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Difference between Men and Women
Old 09-18-2011, 12:20 PM   #2772
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Difference between Men and Women

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Old 09-18-2011, 03:06 PM   #2773
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VERY, VERY FUNNY






Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.

What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead give away.)

In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.

She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia - the LAN down under.

A lot of money is tainted - Taint yours and taint mine.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.

Once you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to
look at either.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't
find any.

I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess
looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per
passenger."

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and
says, "Dam!".

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the
craft. Unsurprisingly, it sank, proving once again that you can't have
your kayak and heat it too.

Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other
says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive."

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root
canal? His goal? To transcend dental medication.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in
the foyer discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an
hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because, "he said, "I can't
stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a
family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in
Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of
himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her
husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband
responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to
Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe
you," says Dolly. Daisy: "It's true, no bull!"

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which
produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very
little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered
from bad breath. This made him? (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) A
super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
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Old 09-23-2011, 01:07 PM   #2774
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Wow Al, you said a mouthful!
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Old 09-23-2011, 01:26 PM   #2775
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The Woman's contol panel is similar to an instrument I designed and built in the early seventies while I was tech on a Oceanographic Research ship. It likely has the same function. It did nothing but pre-occupy the chief scientist.

On my design none of the potentiometers which held the knobs was not connected to anything. It was labeled the Scientists Profiler Control Panel.

Ostensibly it was a fine tuner for the Sub-bottom profiler, which device recorded the the various layers of the ocean floor and well below, from echos received via hydrophones...

Naturally, after a new scientist on board suspected some error, and after taking copious amounts of notes and writing down settings to verify that nothing "significant" was happening, I'd fess up.

One Phd failed to see the humor and fired me. A Thousand miles from land, and no mailboat. (ex mariners would understand that) Heh, he was also unlucky in that a few weeks later was the equator crossing party and initiation into the mysteries of the deep, and Neptune's follies.

A few days after the firing, when things started failing I was re-hired, with a raise!
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Old 09-23-2011, 03:26 PM   #2776
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One Phd failed to see the humor and fired me. A Thousand miles from land, and no mailboat. (ex mariners would understand that)
People like that shouldn't be allowed to go to sea...
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Old 09-23-2011, 04:38 PM   #2777
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Geek humor I wish I'd thought of first:

"We don't allow faster-than-light neutrinos in here," said the bartender. A neutrino walks into a bar.

Particles Found to Travel Faster than Speed of Light: Scientific American
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Old 09-23-2011, 04:59 PM   #2778
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That device also resembles one I designed and built in 1970. I was at a SAGE Direction Center (the big blockhouses with the radar inputs where we controlled the interceptors that shot down the invading Soviet bombers).

I had it professionally labeled with its (invented) nomenclature, the AN/FJQ-13, which stood for "electromechanical special purpose device."

Those who asked what it was for were given the standard "If I tell you, I'll have to kill you" response.

But my boss, who nobody could stand, never asked, because he couldn't admit that he didn't know more than everyone else. He merely glanced at it whenever he passed my desk, and never said a word about it, despite the fact that I had it flashing different patterns of lights every day.

I still get nostalgic about that little box. Someday I might build another one, but with the variety of cheap ICs available today, the possibilities are mind-boggling.
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Old 09-23-2011, 05:15 PM   #2779
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"We don't allow faster-than-light neutrinos in here," said the bartender. A neutrino walks into a bar.
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Old 09-23-2011, 05:51 PM   #2780
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Find it funny that physicists postulate laws for nature, then discover that nature (Physics comes ultimately from Greek phúsisnature' ) does not obey man-made laws. Sucks, does it not?
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