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Old 11-13-2011, 05:12 PM   #2821
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I think I watch too many late-night talk shows. We were with another couple, and I responded to something with the standard punchline "...and if the erection lasts more than four hours, call you doctor." It was appropriate to the conversation, and I was sure it would get a big laugh, but instead it just got blank stares. They aren't prudes; I think they had just never heard that phrase before.

It's a fine line between being a colorful character and weird/creepy.
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Old 11-13-2011, 05:14 PM   #2822
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TromboneAl View Post
It's a fine line between being a colorful character and weird/creepy.
And if anyone knows how to cross that line, it's you Al.
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Old 11-13-2011, 11:58 PM   #2823
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And if anyone knows how to cross that line, it's you Al.
Al, maybe you're just playing hopscotch with it...
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Old 11-19-2011, 02:35 PM   #2824
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Good Irish Joke


At a recent Irish wedding some one yelled, "All married men, please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living."


The bartender was crushed to death!
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Old 11-19-2011, 04:21 PM   #2825
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The President of the USA, the smartest man in the world, an old priest and a young hippy lad are all flying cross country in an airplane. Suddenly the pilot appears and tells them 'The engines are gone and we are going to crash. We only have four parachutes and I am taking one," then he grabs a parachute and jumps out of the plane.

The President says " I am the president and too important to die". He takes a parachute and jumps out of the plane.

The smartest man in world says "The world would suffer without me!" He takes a parachute and jumps out of the plane.

Now, only the old priest and the young hippy lad are left. And one parachute.

The old priest says "My son, I have lived a long life, and I know I will be with God. Take the last parachute and save yourself."

The young hippy replies "That is not necessary father, there are two parachutes. We can both be saved!"

The old priest asks "How can this be? Is it the miracle of the loaves and fishes again?"

The hippy answers " No father. The smartest man in the world just jumped out of the plane with my backpack on."
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Old 11-19-2011, 04:48 PM   #2826
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It's the year 2040 and former President Obama has died of old age.
He arrives at the Pearly gates and is greeted by St. Peter. "We no longer assign people to heaven or hell, instead we give each person a 24 hour visit and then let them make their own choice." President Obama thinks this is a great idea and asks to visit hell first.

He is greeted by former presidents Clinton, Bush, and Nixon as well as Tony Blair and Silvio Berlusconi. They show him the luxury homes, the fancy golf course, the big cars, the private jet planes, the gourmet food, and he sees many, many beautiful women everywhere he turns. At the end of the 24 hours he is transported back to the Pearly Gates.

Next, with high expectations, he decides to check out heaven for 24 hours. In heaven he sees a lot of nice people, dressed in white, singing songs and just strolling about. They all live in modest homes that all look the same. He thinks it looks pretty boring.

At the end of the 24 hours in heaven Obama goes back to the Pearly Gates and tells St. Peter he chooses hell.

Upon returning to hell, he finds that is is hot, smelly and nasty. Clinton is breaking rocks and carrying them uphill, Nixon is shoveling sewage, Blair and Berlusconil are fighting of the meanest demons he ever laid eyes on.

Obama turns to Bush and asks "What happened? Everything was so perfect 2 days ago" Bush relies " That was the campaign season. And, the election was yesterday."
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Old 11-22-2011, 10:07 AM   #2827
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From the "You can't make this stuff up" department, a true story from Howard County, MD:
A citizen brought a found 4-year-old child to a fire house, and in turn firefighters called a police officer. The responding officer, in interviewing the child, initially had difficulty eliciting much identifying information. Along the way the following conversation took place:

Officer: "What do you call your mommy?"

Child: "Mommy"

Officer: "What do you call your Daddy?"

Child: "Daddy"

Trying further, the officer asked "What does your daddy call your mommy?"

Child: "Lucinda-you-bitch".
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Old 11-22-2011, 12:19 PM   #2828
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I did not know this...

When you drink vodka over ice, it can give you kidney failure.
When you drink rum over ice, it can give you liver failure.
When you drink whiskey over ice, it can give you heart
problems.
When you drink gin over ice, it can give you brain problems.
When you drink tequila over ice, your body does things that the mind
does not remember.

Apparently, ice is really bad for you.
Warn all your friends
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Old 11-22-2011, 01:14 PM   #2829
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'Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?'

Mom replies, 'No, because she is in heat.'

'What's that mean?' asked the child.

'Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage.'


The little girl goes to the garage and says, 'Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you.'

Dad said, 'Bring Belle over here.' He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said 'OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block.'

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Belle?'

The little girl said, 'She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home.'

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Retirement fun
Old 11-22-2011, 01:17 PM   #2830
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Retirement fun

The parking ticket

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.


Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes.
When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'

He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a jerk. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.

So my wife called him a sh*t-head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus and the car had a Quebec sticker.



We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.



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Old 11-22-2011, 02:25 PM   #2831
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Nymphomaniac Convention:

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane..


He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat .. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his..

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston "


He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.

I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name.."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."













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Old 11-22-2011, 08:56 PM   #2832
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A termite walks into a bar.
"Is the bartender here?" he says?
"Take a bite and find out!" says the drunk.
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Old 11-26-2011, 08:47 AM   #2833
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Ten years ago, Steve Jobs was alive, Bob Hope was alive and Johnny Cash was alive.


Now we’re outta jobs, outta hope and outta cash.
So, it's very important that Andrew Luck (Stanford quarterback) doesn't even catch a cold.
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Old 11-26-2011, 10:26 AM   #2834
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The Czech goes to the eye doctor for a vision exam.

"OK", the optometrist said to his Czech patient, "See the line on the
chart where it says, 'XKYLPJHCKQ'?"

The Czech says, "See it!? Hell, I was married to her!"
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Old 11-26-2011, 10:43 AM   #2835
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Polish couple arrived in the US. The decided to start a chicken farm.
They buy some chickens, then plant them feet first. Chickens died.
They buy some more chickens, plant them head first. Chickens died.

In frustration call the Polish embassy for help. After explaining the the situation, the embassy agricultural rep says: can you send us some soil samples?
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Old 11-29-2011, 09:06 PM   #2836
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It's winter in Canada
And the gentle breezes blow
Seventy miles an hour
At thirty-five below.

Oh, how I love Canada
When the snow's up to your butt
You take a breath of winter
And your nose gets frozen shut.

Yes, the weather here is wonderful
So I guess I'll hang around
I could never leave Canada
Cuz I'm frozen to the ground!

Have a great day...

98% OF CANADIANS SAY "OH ****" BEFORE GOING IN THE DITCH ON A SLIPPERY ROAD.
THE OTHER 2% ARE FROM NEWFOUNDLAND , AND THEY SAY, "HOLD MY BEER AND WATCH THIS."
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Old 11-29-2011, 09:14 PM   #2837
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Shudder
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File Type: jpg flaagpole.jpg (34.5 KB, 15 views)
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Old 12-01-2011, 05:15 PM   #2838
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If sex with 3 people is called a threesome and

sex with 2 people is a twosome.

Now I understand why they call you handsome!
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Old 12-02-2011, 09:52 AM   #2839
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"A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called — and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

"The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.

"Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

"1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.

"2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

"3. The dog was receiving 90 volts when the number was called.

"4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.

"5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

"Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.
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Old 12-02-2011, 06:28 PM   #2840
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One in three Americans weighs more than the other two combined.
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