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Old 12-03-2011, 03:39 PM   #2841
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Old 12-04-2011, 09:17 AM   #2842
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Old 12-04-2011, 02:39 PM   #2843
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I'm not sure what it says about the times we're living in that this is the funniest thing I've read all year:

Damn You Auto Correct! » The 25 Funniest Autocorrects Of DYAC’s First Year
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Old 12-04-2011, 03:28 PM   #2844
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kevink View Post
I'm not sure what it says about the times we're living in that this is the funniest thing I've read all year:

Damn You Auto Correct! » The 25 Funniest Autocorrects Of DYAC’s First Year
That was hysterical! Sitting here laughing my head off...
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Old 12-04-2011, 08:25 PM   #2845
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I'm not sure what it says about the times we're living in that this is the funniest thing I've read all year:

Damn You Auto Correct! » The 25 Funniest Autocorrects Of DYAC’s First Year
OMG ROFL

I"m sticking with my Blackberry!
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Old 12-06-2011, 08:39 PM   #2846
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The Supreme Court has just ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in the United States' Capital this Christmas season. This isn't for any religious reason. They simply have not been able to find Three Wise Men in the Nation's Capitol. The search for a Virgin continues. There was no problem, however, in finding enough asses to fill the stable.
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Old 12-07-2011, 11:19 AM   #2847
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kevink View Post
I'm not sure what it says about the times we're living in that this is the funniest thing I've read all year:

Damn You Auto Correct! » The 25 Funniest Autocorrects Of DYAC’s First Year

Thank you! Funniest thing I've read in a looonnnnggg time!
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Old 12-12-2011, 06:12 AM   #2848
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Payback:
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File Type: jpg Payback.jpg (307.2 KB, 18 views)
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Penn State Football Penalties
Old 12-12-2011, 06:48 AM   #2849
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Penn State Football Penalties

I saw this recently and had to share.
Attached Files
File Type: pdf PSU.pdf (20.2 KB, 73 views)
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Old 12-12-2011, 01:04 PM   #2850
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---


TOOLS
DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL
:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh, ****!"

SKILL SAW
:
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS
:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER
:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW
:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS
:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH
:
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race..

TABLE SAW
:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK
:
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW
:
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST
:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER
:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER
:
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR
:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER
:
A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER
:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE
:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use..

Son of a bitch TOOL
:
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "Son of a bitch" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.


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Old 12-12-2011, 03:31 PM   #2851
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A driver Is stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington, DC.

Nothing Is moving.

Suddenly, a man knocks on the car window.

The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped Congress and they're asking for a $100 million
dollar ransom! Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and
set them on fire. We are going from car to car collecting donations."

"How much is everyone giving, on average?" the driver asks.

"Roughly a gallon."
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Old 12-12-2011, 04:38 PM   #2852
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I wasdevastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted toIslam, and we're stoning her in the morning!












Thewife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did .... she's 21 and her name's Lucy.












Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night.Locals were shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 21 and
I'm 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.












My son wasthrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year! You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."












Just been to the gym.They've got a new machine in. Could only use it for half an hour, as I started to feel sick. It's great though. It provides me with everything I need - KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Potato Crisps, the lot.."












Question -Are there too many immigrants in Britain? 17% said yes; 11% said No; 72% said "I am not understanding the question please."












Thecost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries.












A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead". The operator says, "How do youknow?" He says "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"












I was explaining to my wifelast night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You obviously haven't been listening."












My wife has been missing a week now.The police said to prepare for the worst. So, I had to go down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back.












I've heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new children's-oriented iPod after realizing that "iTouch Kids" is not a good product name.












There's a new Muslim clothing shop that opened in our shopping center, but they threw me out after I asked if I could look at some of the bomber jackets.












The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute towards the floods in Pakistan. I said we'd love to, but our garden hose only reaches to the driveway.
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Old 12-13-2011, 08:20 AM   #2853
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I have an announcement. To the man who lost the gold Rolex watch with the diamond encrusted face - it is now 9:20 AM.
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Old 12-15-2011, 02:00 PM   #2854
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Not sure how to embed, so just posting the link.
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Old 12-15-2011, 03:01 PM   #2855
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I always wondered how crazy old cat ladies got started.
That explains it.
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Old 12-15-2011, 03:14 PM   #2856
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jIMOh View Post
...........Not sure how to embed, so just posting the link.

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Old 12-15-2011, 03:38 PM   #2857
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Tenjuberrymud


Actual Room Service order in the Philippines

Room Service (RS): "Morny, Ruin Sorbees."
Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed Room Service."
RS: Rye...Ruinsorbees...morny! Djuwish to odor sunteen?
G: Un...Yes...I'd like some bacon and eggs.
RS: Ow july den?
G: What?
RS: Ow july den?...pry, boy, pooch?
G: Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please.
RS: Ow july dee baychem...crease?
G: Crisp will be fine.
RS: Hokay. An san toes?
G: I don't think so.
RS: No? Judo one toes??
G: I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what "judo one toes"
means.
RS: Toes! Toes!...Why djuw don juan toes? Ow bow inglish moppig we
bother?
G: English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying "Toast!" Fine.
Yes an english muffin will be fine.
RS: We bother?
G: No...just put the bother on the side.
RS: Wad?
G: I mean butter...just put it on the side.
RS: Copy?
G: Sorry?
RS: Copy...Tea...Mill?
G: Yes, coffee please and that's all.
RS: One minnie. *** ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem,
tossy inglish moppig we bother honey sign, and copy...rye??
G: Whatever you say.
RS: Tenjuberrymud.
G: You're welcome.
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Old 12-15-2011, 03:52 PM   #2858
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An oldie but goodie:

" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" width="425" height="350">
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Old 12-15-2011, 05:03 PM   #2859
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Best Christmas Carol of all time:

<iframe width="420" height="315" src="Porky Pig- Blue Christmas - YouTube" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>
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Old 12-17-2011, 04:29 PM   #2860
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The Washington Post published a contest for readers in which they were asked to supply alternate meanings for various words.

The following were some of the winning entries:

Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.

Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent

Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.

Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.

Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.

Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.

Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist.
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