It's funny joke Thursday! 2005 - 2020

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Why doesn't somebody start a thread of jokes that won't offend anybody? That should solve the problem. The people that are OK with stupid sophomoric and demeaning jokes can read this thread, and the people that object to the jokes on this thread can look at a blank screen.
 
Why did the punk rocker cross the road?
Because he had a chicken stapled to his face.

Sent from my Nexus 7 using Early Retirement Forum mobile app
 
OK, here's one that should be completely inoffensive to everyone. It's also true:

[I should mention that it shows what a computer nerd I am that I find this absolutely hilarious.]

Back in the late 90s, I read an article about how the Orthodox churches in Russia were being severely vandalized during the breakup of the USSR. The piece talked about how the stained glass windows were smashed, sacred ikons stolen, etc.

The next day, I was eating lunch with a few friends, and I talked about this sad turn of events.

My friend Howard immediately replied "No windows? No icons? That means they'll have to say Mass at the prompt."

One of the best spontaneous jokes I've ever heard. :LOL:
 
harley said:
Why doesn't somebody start a thread of jokes that won't offend anybody? That should solve the problem. The people that are OK with stupid sophomoric and demeaning jokes can read this thread, and the people that object to the jokes on this thread can look at a blank screen.
Click to expand...

Trust me. Somebody will be offended by some joke. You might as well start a thread of completely blank messages.
 
braumeister said:
..."No windows? No icons? That means they'll have to say Mass at the prompt."

One of the best spontaneous jokes I've ever heard. :LOL:
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Reminds me of the story I heard in Albuquerque. The convention and visitors bureau ran a contest of the funniest questions members had been asked by tourists. The winner was a question someone called to ask about the events scheduled for the big annual Balloon Festival: "Do you have to be Catholic to attend the mass ascension?"
 
FIL gave tours from Gouldings Trading Post in Monument Valley way back when. They had a WW2 era bus, The Watermelon, rigged with big fat high flotation airplane tires so they could get out offroad into the desert and show the tourists Dine' pictographs and hogans and abandoned ruins. He would expound on the history of the people, their communities, ruins, pottery and archeological findings. He claimed one earnest tourist asked just how many undiscovered ruins there were....
 
calmloki said:
He claimed one earnest tourist asked just how many undiscovered ruins there were....
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Since I have had several jobs dealing with the general public I absolutely believe him. Sometimes, one genuinely does wonder "Who dresses these people in the morning?" They're clearly not smart enough to do it themselves.
 
Wife and I were at a fabric store..... and I get the gist of what she meant, but I did do a double take when the lady asked the clerk, "do you have red in any other color?"
 
Guy gets in a horrible accident. He wakes up with his surgeon looking down at him. Dr. say's, "I'm sorry to say you've been severely injured. I'm afraid to say that I have some bad news for you....but also some good."

Guy, says, "Give it to me straight Doc...what's the bad news?"

Dr. says, "It's your legs. I'm afraid we had to amputate both of them". The fellow looks forlorn, sighs and says, "What's the good news"

The Doc cheerfully responds, "The guy the next bed over there wants to buy your shoes!"
 
I'm afraid the quality dropped as soon as we started worrying about offending people. I had a great joke from a Leno headline. It included the word panty.

Sent from my Nexus 7 using Early Retirement Forum mobile app
 
FireBug said:
Guy gets in a horrible accident. He wakes up with his surgeon looking down at him. Dr. say's, "I'm sorry to say you've been severely injured. I'm afraid to say that I have some bad news for you....but also some good."

Guy, says, "Give it to me straight Doc...what's the bad news?"

Dr. says, "It's your legs. I'm afraid we had to amputate both of them". The fellow looks forlorn, sighs and says, "What's the good news"

The Doc cheerfully responds, "The guy the next bed over there wants to buy your shoes!"
Click to expand...


Guy goes to the doctor, has a thorough exam.

Two days later, the doc calls him and says, "I have some bad news and some worse news."

"Geez, what's the bad news?"

"You have 24 hours to live."

"What the hell? What's the worse news?"

"I tried to call you yesterday."
 
I do 5 sit-ups every morning. That may not sound like much, but there's only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
 
jon-nyc said:
I do 5 sit-ups every morning. That may not sound like much, but there's only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
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Moderator...
I think the above quote belongs in "What Was Your Workout Today?" Somehow, it landed in "Its (sic) funny joke Thursday!".
respectfully...
redduck
 
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REWahoo said:
Reminds me of the story I heard in Albuquerque. The convention and visitors bureau ran a contest of the funniest questions members had been asked by tourists. The winner was a question someone called to ask about the events scheduled for the big annual Balloon Festival: "Do you have to be Catholic to attend the mass ascension?"
Click to expand...

Good one! For those less familiar with Catholicism, there are actually two words that contribute to this story. I'm sure everyone caught the Mass/mass reference, but Catholics also celebrate the "Feast of the Ascension" (39 days after Easter).

-ERD50
 
Long ago, a merchant ship was sailing in the Caribbean when it was approached by a pirate ship.

The captain called out to his first mate: "Bring me my red shirt!". After putting on his red shirt, he heroically led the crew to fight and successfully repelled the boarding party.

At that day's evening, as they were celebrating, a sailor asked the captain about the meaning of the red shirt. The captain gave the sailor a fatherly look, and said "If I got wounded in battle, the red shirt would hide the fact that I was bleeding. That would keep you from fear, and you would fight on unafraid".

The next morning, all was calm when a lookout called out "Five pirate ships headed this way!".

Surely, that pirate ship returned with an entire flotilla! The sailors, all silent, looked at their captain for his order.

Calm as ever, the captain bellowed "Get me my brown pants".
 
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Some days are like that.
 

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"Did you sign up for the company's 401k?"

"What? No way, that's like 250 miles!"
 
I don't know how many will find this funny but if you're familiar with the culture of north central USA you'll at least understand it.
 

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TromboneAl said:
I'm afraid the quality dropped as soon as we started worrying about offending people. I had a great joke from a Leno headline. It included the word panty.

Sent from my Nexus 7 using Early Retirement Forum mobile app
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No one forces anyone to read jokes that offend them.

Is it offensive to post Wiley Coyote's Retirement video? I suppose this may, if so, ignore. Don't even consider looking at it, even though panties aren't mentioned.

Wiley Coyote's Retirement
 
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