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Old 12-20-2011, 09:41 PM   #2861
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Merry Christmas

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Old 12-20-2011, 09:44 PM   #2862
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WINTER Poem

It's winter time in Canada

And the gentle breezes blow

Seventy miles an hour

At thirty-five below.

Oh, how I love Canada

When the snow's up to your butt

You take a breath of winter

And your nose gets frozen shut.

Yes, the weather here is wonderful

So I guess I'll hang around

I could never leave Canada

Cuz I'm frozen to the ground!


Have a great day...


98% OF CANADIANS SAY "OH ****" BEFORE GOING IN THE DITCH ON A SLIPPERY ROAD.

THE OTHER 2% SAY, "HOLD MY BEER AND WATCH THIS."
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Old 12-20-2011, 09:59 PM   #2863
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Quote:
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The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did .... she's 21 and her name's Lucy.
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Old 12-21-2011, 01:26 PM   #2864
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A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend.

After having great sex ... She spent the next hour just rubbing his testicles ... Something she just loved to do.

As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her, "Why do you love doing that?"

Because ... She Replied ..... "I Really Miss Mine"
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Old 12-21-2011, 06:07 PM   #2865
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"How do you feel about women's rights?


I like either side of them"
- Groucho Marx


Can one ever have enough of Groucho Marx?
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Old 12-22-2011, 07:34 PM   #2866
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'I haven't left my house in days.
I watch the news channels incessantly.
All the news stories are about the election;
All the commercials are for Viagra and Cialis.
Election - erection - election - erection
- - - either way we're getting screwed!'

-- Bette Midler
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Old 12-23-2011, 01:01 PM   #2867
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A seasonal tidbit:
http://images.businessweek.com/ss/05/11/egreetings/image/01.swf



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Old 12-23-2011, 06:59 PM   #2868
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Conversion Factors


1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi



2. 2000 pounds of Chinese Soup = Won ton




3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope




4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond




5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram




6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong




7. 365.25 days of drinking low calorie beer = 1 Lite year




8. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling




9. Half a large intestine = 1 semicolon




10. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz




11. Basic unit of laryngitis - 1 hoarsepower




12. Shortest distance between two jokes - a straight line




13. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake




14. 1 million microphones = 1 megaphone




15. 1 million bicycles = 1 megacycle




16. 365 days = 1 unicycle




17. 2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds




18. 10 cards = 1 decacard




19. 52 cards = 1 deckacard




20. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 Fig Newton




21. 1000 grams of wet socks = 1 literhosen




22. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche




23. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin




24. 10 rations = 1 decaration




25. 100 rations = 1 C-Ration




26. 2 monograms = 1 diagram




27. 8 nickels = 2 paradigms




28. 5 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 I.V. League















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Old 12-23-2011, 08:13 PM   #2869
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nemo2 View Post
Conversion Factors


1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi



2. 2000 pounds of Chinese Soup = Won ton




3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope




4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond




5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram




6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong




7. 365.25 days of drinking low calorie beer = 1 Lite year




8. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling




9. Half a large intestine = 1 semicolon




10. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz




11. Basic unit of laryngitis - 1 hoarsepower




12. Shortest distance between two jokes - a straight line




13. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake




14. 1 million microphones = 1 megaphone




15. 1 million bicycles = 1 megacycle




16. 365 days = 1 unicycle




17. 2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds




18. 10 cards = 1 decacard




19. 52 cards = 1 deckacard




20. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 Fig Newton




21. 1000 grams of wet socks = 1 literhosen




22. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche




23. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin




24. 10 rations = 1 decaration




25. 100 rations = 1 C-Ration




26. 2 monograms = 1 diagram




27. 8 nickels = 2 paradigms




28. 5 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 I.V. League
29. 1 millihelen = beauty needed to launch 1 ship
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Old 12-24-2011, 04:05 PM   #2870
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....
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Canadian Boxing Day Picture and Other Stuff
Old 12-27-2011, 07:19 AM   #2871
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Canadian Boxing Day Picture and Other Stuff

canada.jpg

And They Say Canadians Don't Brag.....

So,
What do we Canadians
Have to be Proud of?
1. Smarties (not sold in the USA)

2. Crispy Crunch, Coffee Crisp
(not sold in the USA)

3. The size of our footballs fields, one less
Down, and bigger balls.

4. Baseball is Canadian - 1st game
June 4, 1838 - Ingersoll, ON

5. Lacrosse is Canadian

6. Hockey is Canadian

7. Basketball is Canadian

8. Apple pie is Canadian

9. Mr. Dress-up beats Mr. Rogers

10. Tim Hortons beats Dunkin' Donuts

11. In the war of 1812, started by America , Canadians pushed the Americans back past their White House. Then we burned it, and most of Washington ...
We got bored because they ran away.
Then, we came home and partied....
Go figure.

12. Canada has the largest French population
That never surrendered to Germany.

13. We have the largest English population
That never Ever surrendered or withdrew
During any war to anyone, anywhere.EVER!
(We got clobbered in the odd battle but
Prevailed in ALL the wars)


14. Our civil war was fought in a bar and
Lasted a little over an hour.


15. The only person who was arrested in our
Civil war was an American mercenary, he
Slept in and missed the whole thing.
He showed up just in time to get caught.

16. A Canadian invented Standard Time.

17. The Hudsons Bay Company once owned
Over 10% of the earth's surface and is still
Around as the world's oldest company.

18. The average dog sled team can kill and
Devour a full grown human in under 3 minutes.
(That's more information than I need!)

19. We know what to do with all the parts of a buffalo.

20. We don't marry our kin-folk...

21. We invented ski-doos, jet-skis, Velcro,
Zippers, insulin, penicillin and the telephone.
Also short wave radios which save countless
Lives each year.

22. We have ALL frozen our tongues to
Something metal and lived to tell about it.

23. A Canadian invented Superman.

24. We have coloured money.

25. Our beer advertisements kick ass
(Incidently... So does our beer)

BUT MOST IMPORTANT !

The handles on our beer cases are big enough
To fit your hands in with mitts on.

OOOoohhhhh..... Canada !!
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Old 12-29-2011, 09:36 AM   #2872
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I just got off the phone with friend living in Buffalo near the Canadian border. He said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling.



The temperature is dropping way below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force.



His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare for Hours.



He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.
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Old 12-29-2011, 06:00 PM   #2873
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He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.
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Old 12-29-2011, 10:04 PM   #2874
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Photo reveals circumstances leading to death of Dear Leader:

Kim Jong Il reacts with shock as military leaders reveal new North Korean "Secret Weapon"....
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Old 12-29-2011, 11:33 PM   #2875
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No, Kim Jong Il was not shocked, just pondering how his chefs could use these giant cucumbers in a dish with the giant rabbits he obtained from a German farmer named Karl Szmolinsky.

This farmer was happy to sell his largest prize rabbits which weighed as much as 20lbs to the North Korean, thinking the latter would breed them to ease their famine. Much to the farmer's chagrin, this was what he found out later.
A few weeks later a journalist from London called me. He'd just got back from the birthday celebrations of Kim Jong-il and said he'd seen my rabbits, including Robert. They were being eaten by the leader and his guests. It's clear to me now that the whole thing was a big scam. They sent in their ministers and invented a story to trick me, just so they could put on a fancy banquet for their leader. In my opinion all politicians are bandits. They're definitely not getting any more of my rabbits.
Read More:Hennessy, Giant Rabbits, and Mythical Rice: On Kim Jong Il's Strange Eating Habits: BA Daily: Blogs : bonappetit.com

When dealing with Kim Jong Il, one could never be sure that he did not have the last laugh.
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Old 12-30-2011, 12:14 AM   #2876
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Greek Economics

It is a slow day in a little Greek Village.

The rain is beating down and the streets are deserted.

Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.

On this particular day a rich German tourist is driving through the village, stops at the local hotel and lays a 100 note on the desk, telling the hotel owner he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night.

The owner gives him some keys and, as soon as the visitor has walked upstairs, the hotelier grabs the 100 note and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.

The butcher takes the 100 note and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer.

The pig farmer takes the 100 note and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel.

The guy at the Farmers' Co-op takes the 100 note and runs to pay his drinks bill at the taverna.

The tavern owner slips the money along to the local prostitute drinking at the bar, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer him "services" on credit.

The hooker then rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill to the hotel owner with the 100 note.

The hotel proprietor then places the 100 note back on the counter so the rich traveller will not suspect anything.

At that moment the traveller comes down the stairs, picks up the 100 note, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town.



No one produced anything. No one earned anything.

However, the whole village is now out of debt and looking to the future with a lot more optimism.



And that, Ladies and Gentlemen, is how the bailout package works.
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Old 12-31-2011, 09:01 AM   #2877
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Now I get it:
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Old 12-31-2011, 12:03 PM   #2878
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Now I get it:
That is Volume 1.

In related news, the three page pamphlet "Understanding Men" is now being included as a freebie with the purchase of "Understanding Women Vol. 1"
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Old 12-31-2011, 01:32 PM   #2879
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That is Volume 1.

In related news, the three page (including title page, table of contents, and full index), pocket size, large print, double-spaced pamphlet "Understanding Men" is now being included as a freebie with the purchase of "Understanding Women Vol. 1"
Fixed it for ya.
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Old 12-31-2011, 02:12 PM   #2880
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That is actually the condensed version.
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