Join Early Retirement Today
Reply
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread Display Modes
Old 01-05-2012, 06:27 AM   #2881
Full time employment: Posting here.
bruce1's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Hagersville
Posts: 793
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.

A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.

Virginity is like a soapbubble, one prick and it is gone.

If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child.
__________________

__________________
I wish I was half as good as my dog thinks I am!
bruce1 is offline   Reply With Quote
Join the #1 Early Retirement and Financial Independence Forum Today - It's Totally Free!

Are you planning to be financially independent as early as possible so you can live life on your own terms? Discuss successful investing strategies, asset allocation models, tax strategies and other related topics in our online forum community. Our members range from young folks just starting their journey to financial independence, military retirees and even multimillionaires. No matter where you fit in you'll find that Early-Retirement.org is a great community to join. Best of all it's totally FREE!

You are currently viewing our boards as a guest so you have limited access to our community. Please take the time to register and you will gain a lot of great new features including; the ability to participate in discussions, network with our members, see fewer ads, upload photographs, create a retirement blog, send private messages and so much, much more!

Old 01-08-2012, 06:40 PM   #2882
Full time employment: Posting here.
bruce1's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Hagersville
Posts: 793
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death.


Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.
After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.

True to his word, he made the first contact:

" Marion ... Marion "

"Is that you, Bob?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"That's wonderful! What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course.

I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times.

Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again.

Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again"

"Oh, Bob are you in Heaven?"

"No...I'm a rabbit in Saskatchewan.
__________________

__________________
I wish I was half as good as my dog thinks I am!
bruce1 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-08-2012, 09:10 PM   #2883
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
jIMOh's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Milford, OH
Posts: 2,085
If Tim tebow scores on a hail mary pass, what happens?
__________________
Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. One person's stupidity is another person's job security.
jIMOh is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-08-2012, 09:17 PM   #2884
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
brewer12345's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2003
Posts: 15,916
Quote:
Originally Posted by jIMOh View Post
If Tim tebow scores on a hail mary pass, what happens?
The second coming.
__________________
"Neither my companion or I carry firearms on our persons. We depend on the goodwill of our fellow man and the forbearance of reptiles."


- English Bob
brewer12345 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-10-2012, 02:24 PM   #2885
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
brewer12345's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2003
Posts: 15,916
...
Attached Images
File Type: jpg meh_ro8878.jpg (18.7 KB, 421 views)
__________________
"Neither my companion or I carry firearms on our persons. We depend on the goodwill of our fellow man and the forbearance of reptiles."


- English Bob
brewer12345 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-10-2012, 02:50 PM   #2886
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
HFWR's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Lawn chair in Texas
Posts: 12,583
A communist, a Muslim, and a lawyer walk into a bar.

The bartender asks "What would you like, Mr. President"?
__________________
Have Funds, Will Retire

...not doing anything of true substance...
HFWR is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-11-2012, 12:09 PM   #2887
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
brewer12345's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2003
Posts: 15,916
Heaven is Where:
The Police are British,
The Chefs are Italian,
The Mechanics are German,
The Lovers are French
and It's all organized by the Swiss.

Hell is Where:
The Police are German,
The Chefs are British,
The Mechanics are French,
The Lovers are Swiss
and It's all organized by the Italians.
__________________
"Neither my companion or I carry firearms on our persons. We depend on the goodwill of our fellow man and the forbearance of reptiles."


- English Bob
brewer12345 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-11-2012, 12:10 PM   #2888
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
brewer12345's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2003
Posts: 15,916
I FOUND JESUS!
He was in my trunk when I got back from Tijuana
__________________
"Neither my companion or I carry firearms on our persons. We depend on the goodwill of our fellow man and the forbearance of reptiles."


- English Bob
brewer12345 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-11-2012, 02:37 PM   #2889
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
TromboneAl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 11,061
From Larry the Cable Guy:

I went into the pharmacy to ask about Viagra.

"Can I get it over the counter?" I asked.
The pharmacist replied "I don't know how big it will get."
__________________
TromboneAl is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 01-12-2012, 09:37 PM   #2890
Full time employment: Posting here.
bruce1's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Hagersville
Posts: 793
The Official Canadian Temperature Conversion Chart:

50 Fahrenheit (10 C)
Californians shiver uncontrollably.
Canadians plant gardens.

35 Fahrenheit (1.6 C)
Italian Cars won't start
Canadians drive with the windows down and still wear shorts and T-shirts.

32 Fahrenheit (0 C)
American water freezes
Canadians have the last cookout of the season

0 Fahrenheit (-17..9 C)
New York City landlords finally turn on the heat.
Canadians Girl Guides still sell cookies door-to-door.

-60 Fahrenheit (-51 C)
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
Canadians pull down their earflaps.

-109.9 Fahrenheit (-78.5 C)
Carbon dioxide freezes makes dry ice.
Canadians get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg.

-173 Fahrenheit (-114 C)
Ethyl alcohol freezes.
Canadians get a day off of work to go tobogganing.

-459.67 Fahrenheit (-273.15 C)
Absolute zero; all atomic motion stops.
Canadians start saying "cold, eh?"

-500 Fahrenheit (-295 C)
Hell freezes over.
The Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup
__________________
I wish I was half as good as my dog thinks I am!
bruce1 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-15-2012, 09:21 AM   #2891
Recycles dryer sheets
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 61
God's sense of humor

While creating wives, God promised men that good and
obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world.

And then He smiled and made the earth round.
__________________
aldo is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-16-2012, 11:36 AM   #2892
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
mickeyd's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Texas~29N/98W
Posts: 5,695
A good looking man walked into an agent's office
in Hollywood and said, "I want to be a movie star." Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway -- he had all the right credentials. The agent asked, "What's your name?" The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian."The agent said, "Young man, I hate to tell you, but in order to make it in Hollywood, you're going to have to change your name." "I will NOT change my name!" the guy exclaimed. "The van Lesbian name is centuries old and I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever." The agent said, "Sir, I've worked in this town for years. You will NEVER go anywhere in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you will HAVE to change your name or I will not be able to represent you." "So be it! I guess we won't be doing business together," the guy said and left the agent's office. FIVE YEARS LATER...... The agent opened an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope: a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent was awe-struck. He can't imagine who would ever just send him $50,000? So he read the enclosed letter... Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood. You told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my given birth name, I refused. You told me I'd never make it in Hollywood With a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation. Thank you for your advice. Sincerely, Dick van Dyke

















































__________________
Part-Owner of Texas

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. Groucho Marx

In dire need of: faster horses, younger woman, older whiskey, more money.
mickeyd is offline   Reply With Quote
Hunting
Old 01-19-2012, 02:30 PM   #2893
Recycles dryer sheets
Elderdude's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Sacramento, Calif
Posts: 210
Hunting

Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting. He traveled up to Alaska, spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Soon after there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said, “That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin. I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death, or I have sex with you.” After considering briefly, Frank decided to accept the latter alternative. So, he bent over, and the black bear had his way with Frank.

Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead. Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, “That was a big mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you've got two choices: Either I maul you to death, or I have rough sex with you.” Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So, he bent over again, and the grizzly had his way with Frank.

Although he survived, it took several months before Frank fully recovered. Now Frank was completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there was a tap on is shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear looked at him and said, “Admit it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?”
__________________
Elderdude is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-19-2012, 06:06 PM   #2894
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: France
Posts: 1,169
Quote:
Originally Posted by brewer12345 View Post
Heaven is Where:
The Police are British,
The Chefs are Italian,
The Mechanics are German,
The Lovers are French
and It's all organized by the Swiss.

Hell is Where:
The Police are German,
The Chefs are British,
The Mechanics are French,
The Lovers are Swiss
and It's all organized by the Italians.
I prefer the version where the police are replaced by the comedians. The German police are generally pretty nice guys these days; the British police, not so much.
__________________
Age 55, retired July 1, 2012; DW is 59 and working for 4 more years. Current portfolio is 1950K split 50 stocks/20 bonds/30 cash. Renting house, no debts.
BigNick is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-20-2012, 08:44 AM   #2895
Moderator
Alan's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Eee Bah Gum
Posts: 19,043
The wife asked me what I was doing on the computer last night.
I told her I was looking for cheap flights.
"I love you!" she said, and then she got all excited,
and that night we had the most amazing sex ever..........
Which is odd because she’s never shown an interest in darts before?


Times have changed...
Attached Images
File Type: jpg Capture.JPG (28.7 KB, 19 views)
__________________
Retired in Jan, 2010 at 55
Now it's adventure before dementia
Alan is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-20-2012, 09:21 AM   #2896
Full time employment: Posting here.
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 739
Two Southern rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along they
come upon a huge hole in the ground.
They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.

The first hunter says, "Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see the bottom.
I wonder how deep it is."

The second hunter says," I don't know, let's throw something down and listenand see how long it takes to hit bottom."

The first hunter says, "There's this old automobile transmission here, give
me a hand and we'll throw it in and see".

So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and
throw it in the hole.

They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a
rustling in the brush behind them.

As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up
to the hole and with no hesitation, jump in head first.

While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole and
trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up.

"Say there," says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat
around here anywhere, did you?"

The first hunter says, " Funny you should ask, but we were just standing
here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin'
about a hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!"

The old farmer said, "That's impossible.
I had him chained to a transmission!"
__________________
Zero is offline   Reply With Quote
Wally is Now a Billionaire
Old 01-21-2012, 11:52 AM   #2897
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
mickeyd's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Texas~29N/98W
Posts: 5,695
Wally is Now a Billionaire

__________________
Part-Owner of Texas

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. Groucho Marx

In dire need of: faster horses, younger woman, older whiskey, more money.
mickeyd is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-21-2012, 12:58 PM   #2898
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
mickeyd's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Texas~29N/98W
Posts: 5,695
__________________
Part-Owner of Texas

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. Groucho Marx

In dire need of: faster horses, younger woman, older whiskey, more money.
mickeyd is offline   Reply With Quote
A new word
Old 01-24-2012, 02:14 PM   #2899
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
DFW_M5's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2003
Posts: 4,699
A new word

A NEW WORD IS BORN
I knew someone would find a name for
our election process this coming year.

ELECTILE DYSFUNCTION:the inability to become
aroused over any of the choices for President put
forth by either party in the 2012 election year.
__________________
DFW_M5 is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 01-24-2012, 03:00 PM   #2900
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
TromboneAl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 11,061
And if it lasts more than 4 years...
__________________

__________________
TromboneAl is online now   Reply With Quote
Reply


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
A new low - this has got to be a joke Cool Dood FIRE and Money 9 07-11-2006 05:05 PM
Funny Joke Friday. Cut-Throat Other topics 1 07-07-2006 04:48 PM
Funny Car Ad TromboneAl Other topics 2 07-01-2005 09:21 PM

 

 
All times are GMT -6. The time now is 04:18 PM.
 
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.8 Beta 1
Copyright ©2000 - 2016, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.