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Old 01-24-2012, 04:09 PM   #2901
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Originally Posted by TromboneAl View Post
And if it lasts more than 4 years...
Too bad there isn't a pill for this affliction
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Old 01-25-2012, 08:28 AM   #2902
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A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For example: if she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest with a bat up his ass while he is on fire.

No further studies are expected on this subject.

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Old 01-26-2012, 12:51 PM   #2903
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Hungury Man Breakfast
Old 01-30-2012, 12:27 PM   #2904
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Hungury Man Breakfast

After you work up an appetite after an early morning workout:

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Old 01-31-2012, 11:20 AM   #2905
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* The problem with political jokes is they get elected. ~Henry Cate, VII

* We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office. ~Aesop

* If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these acceptance speeches there wouldn't be any inducement to go to heaven. ~Will Rogers

* Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed by those who are dumber. ~Plato

* Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river. ~Nikita Khrushchev

* When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it. ~Clarence Darrow

* Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and your opponents will do it for you. ~Author Unknown

* If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates. ~Jay Leno

* Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel. ~ John Quinton

* Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other. ~ Oscar Ameringer

* The Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter, taller, richer, and remove the crabgrass on your lawn. The Republicans are the party that says government doesn't work and then they get elected and prove it. ~ P.J. O'Rourke

* I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them. ~ Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952

* A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country. ~Texas Guinan

* Any American who is prepared to run for president should automatically, by definition, be disqualified from ever doing so. ~Gore Vidal

* I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians. ~Charles de Gaulle

* Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks. ~Doug Larson

* Don't vote, it only encourages them. ~Author Unknown

* There ought to be one day - just one - when there is open season on senators. ~Will Rogers
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Old 02-01-2012, 03:59 PM   #2906
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Someone entirely too responsible for their own entertainment
Old 02-02-2012, 12:47 AM   #2907
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Someone entirely too responsible for their own entertainment

Saw this elsewhere on the web. It may be deemed mildly offensive to some

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women – she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:

Dear Mrs. Harris,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:


1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people’s carts when they weren’t looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women’s restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, ‘Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away’. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway

6. August 14: Moved a ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he’d invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, ‘Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’ EMTs were called.

9.. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

> 11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly humming the ‘ Mission Impossible’ theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his ‘Madonna look’ by using different sizes of funnels on his chest.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, he yelled ‘PICK ME! PICK ME!’

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a
fetal position and screamed ‘OHNO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!’

15. Took a box of condoms to the check out clerk and asked where the fitting room was?

And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, ‘Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here.’
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Old 02-02-2012, 02:38 AM   #2908
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Speaking of entertaining yourself:

I was playing channel roulette the other night and happened upon an early part of the movie GHOST. In the scene, two guys were on a crowded elevator. One coughed loudly and relayed how his doctor had advised him to avoid contact with anyone since he was quite contagious. He also mentioned the terrible rash he was developing and the scene went on from their. Naturally, when the two got off the elevator, it was all yuks, but the folks on the elevator had not found it at all amusing.

True story I may have relayed before: A high school friend eventually worked for a contractor after I had joined Megacorp. One day, my old friend's company was putting the finishing touches on a new building which would soon be my new "home" 8 (or 10 or 12) hours a day. There were expensive, large, shiny stainless steel letters to be placed on the entry to the building, indicating its name/function. A very carefully produced paper template had been temporarily attached to the front of the building and my old friend was busily preparing to attach the lettering into the brick. Unfortunately, the template was fairly obviously NOT level. Each person who went past hesitated and crooked their neck attempting to see if the template was, indeed, that far off. You could see the desire to say something or the second guessing (maybe it's the building, or the doors, or...). But, no one said anything since it was not their place to do so, I suppose.

I was walking with my boss into the building. He was oblivious to the "issue" at hand, but I caught my old friend's eye - and he winked. It was all I could do to keep from cracking up.
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Senior Texting Codes
Old 02-03-2012, 11:15 AM   #2909
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Senior Texting Codes

Apologies if this has already been posted here, I don't remember it...

Texting for Seniors - Since more and more Seniors are texting and tweeting there appears to be a need for a STC (Senior Texting Code). If you qualify for Senior Discounts this is the code for you. Please pass this on to your children and grandchildren so they can understand your texts.
ATDAt The Doctor's
BFFBest Friend Fainted
BTWBring The Wheelchair
BYOTBring Your Own Teeth
CBMCovered By Medicare
CGUCan't get up
CUATSCSee You At The Senior Center
DWIDriving While Incontinent
FWBFriend With Beta Blockers
FWIWForgot Where I Was
FYIFound Your Insulin
GGPBLGotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!
GHAGot Heartburn Again
HGBMHad Good Bowel Movement
IMHOIs My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDOLaughing My Dentures Out
LOLLiving On Lipitor
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Old 02-03-2012, 01:46 PM   #2910
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Beating a Dead Horse, Revisited
Old 02-05-2012, 02:24 PM   #2911
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Beating a Dead Horse, Revisited

The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from generation to
generation, says that, "When you discover that you are riding a dead
horse, the best strategy is to dismount." However, in government, in
corporate America, more advanced strategies are often employed, such as:

1. Buying a stronger whip.

2. Changing riders.

3. Appointing a committee to study the horse.

4. Arranging to visit other countries to see how other cultures ride
horses.

5. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be more productive.

6. Reclassifying the dead horse as "living-impaired." (I like this one.)

7. Hiring outside contractors to lift the dead horse and move its legs.

8. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed.

9. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase dead horse's
performance.

10. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the
dead
horse's performance.

11. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less
costly, carries lower overhead, and therefore, contributes substantially
more to
the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses.

12. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses.

And of course my favorite...........

13. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position.
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The Classmate
Old 02-08-2012, 01:27 PM   #2912
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The Classmate

The Classmate

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD.

WELL . . . YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE.


MY NAME IS ALICE , AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST.

I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA ON THE WALL, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 40-ODD YEARS AGO.

COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.

THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.

AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL .

'YES. YES, I DID.. I'M A MUSTANG,' HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.

WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED.

HE ANSWERED, 'IN 1975. WHY DO YOU ASK?'

YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!', I EXCLAIMED.

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.

THEN, THAT UGLY,

OLD,

BALD,

WRINKLED FACED,

FAT-ASSED,

GRAY-HAIRED,

DECREPIT

SON-OF-A-BITCH

ASKED,

'WHAT DID YOU TEACH?'
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Old 02-09-2012, 05:55 PM   #2913
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Observations on Growing Older
Your kids are becoming you, & you don't like 'em.
But your grandchildren are perfect!
Going out is good.
Coming home is better!
When people say you look "Great", they add . "for your age!"
When you needed the discount, you paid full price.
Now you get discounts on everything ...
Movies, hotels, flights . But you're too tired to use them.
You forget names, but it's OK because other people forgot they even knew you!!!
The 5 lbs you wanted to lose is now 15, & you have a better chance of losing your keys than the 15 lbs.
You realize you're never going to be really good at anything ... Especially golf.
Your spouse is counting on you to remember things you don't remember.
The things you used to care to do, you no longer care to do, but you really do care that you don't care to do them anymore.
Your husband sleeps better on a lounge chair w/the TV blaring than he does in bed. It's called his "pre-sleep".
Remember when your mother said,
"Wear clean underwear in case you GET in an accident"?
Now you bring clean underwear in case you HAVE an accident!
You used to say,
"I hope my kids GET married."
Now, "I hope they STAY married!"
You miss the days when everything worked w/just an "ON" & "OFF" switch.
When GOOGLE, ipod, email & modem were unheard of. And a mouse was something that made you climb on a table.
You tend to use more 4 letter words like "what?" & "when?".
Now that you can afford expensive jewelry, it's not safe to wear it anywhere.
Your husband has a night out w/the guys,
But he's home by 9:00PM. Next week it will be 8:30PM.
You read 100 pages into a book before you realize you've read it.
Notice everything they sell in stores is "sleeveless"?
What used to be freckles are now liver spots.
Everybody whispers.
Now that your husband has retired, you'd give anything if he'd find a job!

You have 3 sizes of clothes in your closet . 2 of which you will never wear.
But old is good in some things:
Old songs, old movies,
And best of all, OLD FRIENDS!!!
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How True
Old 02-12-2012, 01:54 PM   #2914
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How True

Well this is not a joke, but it is pretty true if you can recall as far back as the 50s. Comments made in the year 1957:



Quote:
"I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's going to be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $20."

"Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long before $5000 will only buy a used one."

"If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous."

"Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter?"

"If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store."

"When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 29 cents a gallon.
Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage."

"Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail hair cuts make it impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls."

"I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more.
Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying 'damn' in 'Gone With The Wind,' it seems every new movie has either "hell" or "damn" in it.

"I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas."

"Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the president."

"I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now."

"It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet."

"It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work."

"Marriage doesn't mean a thing any more; those Hollywood stars seem to be getting divorced at the drop of a hat."

"I'm just afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business."

"Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to congress."

"The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on."

"There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a weekend. It costs nearly $15 a night to stay in a hotel."

"No one can afford to be sick any more; $35 a day in the hospital is too rich for my blood."

"If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it."

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Old 02-16-2012, 06:17 PM   #2915
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Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. Groucho Marx

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Old 02-17-2012, 12:03 PM   #2916
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True or not, still funny:

TOP 8 MORONS OF 2011

1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP? AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.


2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS. Police in Oakland, CA , spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, 'Please come out and give yourself up.'


3. WHAT WAS PLAN B? An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts!


4. THE GETAWAY! A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.


5. DID I SAY THAT? Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: 'Give me all your money or I'll shoot', the man shouted, 'that's not what I said!'


6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING? A man spoke frantically into the phone:'My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart'. 'Is this her first child?' the doctor asked. 'No!' the man shouted, 'This is her husband!'


7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED! In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun. Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellooooooo)!


8. THE GRAND FINALE! Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 foot boat going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer!
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Old 02-17-2012, 05:47 PM   #2917
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.

Cool, so how many submariners does it take to launch a torpedo? An' don't say it is classified
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Old 02-17-2012, 05:53 PM   #2918
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Observations on Growing Older
.........

It takes all night to do what you used to do all night.
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Old 02-17-2012, 07:16 PM   #2919
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mickeyd View Post
Well this is not a joke, but it is pretty true if you can recall as far back as the 50s. Comments made in the year 1957:
I guess I'm becoming an old grouch, but I've never found the "jokes" about how cheap everything once was to be funny.

It is just inflation and simple math.
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Old 02-17-2012, 11:20 PM   #2920
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Cool, so how many submariners does it take to launch a torpedo? An' don't say it is classified
Just one.

Shortly followed by the report: "Ooops..."
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