It's funny joke Thursday! 2005 - 2020

[Alan]

Grammar:
The difference between knowing your sh!t, and knowing you're sh!t

[TromboneAl]

Quote:

Originally Posted by travelover I guess I'm becoming an old grouch, but I've never found the "jokes" about how cheap everything once was to be funny. It is just inflation and simple math.

Yes, I'm glad I'm not the only one. When someone says that a loaf of bread was only 15 cents in the old days, so many people oh and ah. I want to say "But it was a totally different currency. 1950 dollars are not the same as 2012 dollars."

[travelover]

Quote:

Originally Posted by TromboneAl Yes, I'm glad I'm not the only one. When someone says that a loaf of bread was only 15 cents in the old days, so many people oh and ah. I want to say "But it was a totally different currency. 1950 dollars are not the same as 2012 dollars."

Right, not too many "jokes" about earning $1.25 an hour.

[Nords]

Quote:

Originally Posted by TromboneAl Yes, I'm glad I'm not the only one. When someone says that a loaf of bread was only 15 cents in the old days, so many people oh and ah. I want to say "But it was a totally different currency. 1950 dollars are not the same as 2012 dollars."

I think the problem is that people have anchored their values in those decades-old numbers and neglected to update them for inflation.

My FIL just will not spend money, and three-quarters of his logic is that everything today has far less value because "it costs so much".

"I don't see what there is to this. Why, I remember when I was a kid that you could get _______ for less than 50 cents, and you got a free _______ too!"

He once made a similar statement about today's Tooth Fairy encouraging juvenile affluenza (well, a lot more words to express that sentiment), and he did not appreciate my inflation-adjusted response...

[growing_older]

My parents are anchored like this. My mom is often rushing to get off long distance calls to spare the expense. She needs to be reminded that costs are so much lower now - in many cases free because they are included in a monthly plan.

Obligatory Joke in deference to the thread title:

An older, white haired man walked into a Jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young woman at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000." the jeweler said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "By cheque. I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."

"I know," said the old man, "But let me tell you about my weekend....."

[ls99]

From the time I started w*rking, always measured the value of stuff by how many hours of my labor in exchange for take home money it took to pay for it.

In Retirement I no longer have that benchmark. Being a natural cheapskate, everything is too expensive, unless I really want it. Then I find it on craigslist or fleabay.

[brewer12345]

presented without comment:

[Midpack]

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.

'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'

'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today.'

'I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

'Who's going to tell' says the Pope with a smile.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 kms. (Remember, the Pope is German.)

'Please slow down, Your Holiness' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

'Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license -- and my job!' moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going 205 kph.

'So bust him,' says the Chief.

'I don't think we want to do that, he's really important,' said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed, 'All the more reason!'

'No, I mean really important,' said the cop with a bit of persistence..

The Chief then asked, 'Who do you have there, the mayor?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: 'A senator?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: 'The Prime Minister?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

'Well,' said the Chief, 'who is it?'

Cop: 'I think it's God!'

The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, 'What makes you think it's God?'

Cop: 'His chauffeur is the Pope!'

[HFWR]

Scientifically speaking...

[Koolau]

Okay, Midpack's joke reminded me of one.

A protestant minister and his wife were heading home from church. Their church was relatively formal and the minister wore vestments which included the recognizable collar.

The minister was speeding and got pulled over by a portly older officer who waddled up to the side of the car. "I need to see your license and registration, Father." The officer spoke with a distinct Irish accent. Without hesitation, the minister complied with a smile. "Was I speeding, officer?" he asked politely. "Why, yes, Father, you were doing 75 in a 50 zone." Again, sheepishly, the minister apologized and the officer retreated to his patrol car to run the paperwork.

When the officer returned, he said "Father, I'm only going to issue you a warning. I'm a Catholic too, and it just seems right to let you go on a Sunday." The grateful minister thanked the officer and left. On the way home, his wife was a bit gruff at what her husband had gotten away with. She asked "Do you know who he thought you were?" "Yes" he answered a bit sheepishly, "but, what I'm wondering is who he thought YOU were."

Okay, I'm on a roll, here.

An officer spots a car with a brake light out and pulls the car over. Inside is a Catholic priest. His arm is in a sling and he is in some obvious discomfort when he retrieves his license and registration. "Broke yer arm, eh Father?" the officer says. "How'd you break it?" "Well, it's kind of embarrassing, really. You see, I fell off a commode." The officer didn't comment and just gave the priest a verbal warning to get his brake light fixed.

Upon returning to his patrol car, the officer's partner noted that it looked like the driver was a priest with a broken arm. "Yep. Said he broke his arm falling off a commode." "What's a commode?" the partner asked. The officer replied "How should I know. I've never been in a Catholic church."

[eytonxav]

Gentle Thoughts for Today-


Birds of a feather flock together . . . .and then **** on your car.

A penny saved is a government oversight.


The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

He who hesitates is probably right.

Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.


If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble..

Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells
'Theirs...'

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

Some people try to turn back their Odometers. Not me, I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth, think of Algebra.

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a
nice change from being young. Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

Lord, Keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth . . .. . . . .
AMEN!

[Midpack]

Poor KFC...

[mickeyd]

[aldo]

Two best friends graduated from medical school at the same time and decided that, in spite of two different specialties, they would open a practice together to share office space and personnel.

Dr. Smith was the psychiatrist and Dr. Jones was the proctologist; they put up a sign reading: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors". The town council was livid and insisted they change it.

So, the docs changed it to read: "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids". This was also not acceptable, so they again changed the sign.

"Catatonics and High Colonics" - No go.

Next, they tried "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives" - thumbs down again..

Then came "Minds and Behinds" - still no good.

Another attempt resulted in "Lost Souls and Butt Holes" - unacceptable again!

So they tried "Analysis and Anal Cysts" - not a chance.

"Nuts and Butts" - no way.

"Freaks and Cheeks" - still no good.

"Loons and Moons" - forget it.

Almost at their wit's end, the docs finally came up with: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones - Specializing in Odds and Ends".

Everyone loved it.

[ls99]

The joke was on me.

I woke up this morning. Good start. From a dream, which I actually could recall. Rare event.

In the dream I was at my camp, puttering around. At the gate of the camp a camera crew showed up, lead by a grey haired guy. The guy says Mr ls99 we are here to present you with your 6 million dollar winnings. Cameras rolling furiously. No excitement from me at all.

Grey haired guys asks, are you not exited Mr ls99. No I said. He says but you just won 6 million dollars.

I'm looking at the guy with squinty eyes, no Mr Funt. Mind if I just call you Allen.

Then I woke up.

No six mills, and not on candid camera. Funt has been dead about 10 years.

[eytonxav]

A young cowboy from Texas goes off to college.
Half way through the semester, having foolishly
squandered all his money .... he calls home.

"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education
is developing! They actually have a program here in Missoula
that will teach our dog, Ole' Blue how to talk!"

"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ole' Blue
in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says
"and I'll get him in the course."

So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.

About two-thirds of the way through the semester,
the money again runs out. The boy calls home.

"So how's Ole' Blue doing son?" his father asks.

"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you
just won't believe this -- they've had such good results
they have started to teach the animals how to read!"

"Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue
in that program?"

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."
The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem.

At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog
can neither talk, nor read.

So he shoots the dog.

When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father
is all excited.

"Where's Ole' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read
something and talk!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday
morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole' Blue was
in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading
the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does".

"Then Ole' Blue turned to me and asked, so, is your daddy
still messing around with that little redhead who lives
down the street?"

The father went white and exclaimed, "I hope you shot
that son of a bitch before he talks to your Mother!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"

The kid went on to law school, and now serves in
Washington D.C. as a Congressman.

[Sweetlip]

It just goes to show that it is never too late...


Tonight, I received a message from a lady member of this forum saying that she wanted to have my children.




So I gladly sent her their addresses.

[brewer12345]

Mitt Romney, Rush Limbaugh and Newt Gingrich are walking down the street
when Limbaugh tells Romney, "You're out of touch with the common people,
the one's who earn less than a half million a year. You need to connect with them."

So he takes them into the local McDonalds for lunch. They grab a booth and after a while Gingrich asks Mitt what he thinks of the place. "I'm not impressed. We've been here ten minutes and not one person has come by to take our order."

"You idiot," says Limbaugh. "Let me show you how it's done."

He looks around and sees a drunk woman with bleach blonde hair who is staggering about between the tables. She's in four-inch black stiletto heels and has a red dress that is so short he can see her underwear.

As she wobbles by their table, Rush shouts at her, "Hey, slvt! Bring me three double cheese burgers, three super sized fries and a gallon of Coke, no ice. And bring some food for my friends as well, you damned hooker!"

Newt Gingrich looks up and says, "C'mon Rush, that's no way to talk to my wife."

[packrat44]

Into a Belfastpub comes Paddy Murphy,
Looking like he'd just been run over by a train.
His armis in a sling, his nose is broken,
His faceis cut and bruised and he'swalking with a limp
"What happened toyou?" asks Sean, the bartender.
" Jamie O'Conner and mehad a fight," says Paddy.
"That little ****, O'Conner," says Sean,
"He couldn't do that to you,
He must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," saysPaddy, "a shovel is what he had,
And a terrible lickin' he gave me withit."
" Well," says Sean,"you should have defended yourself,
Didn'tyou have something in your hand?"
That I did," said Paddy.
"Mrs.O'Conner's breast, and a thing of
Beautyit was, but useless in a fight."
************************************************** ******************************************
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink
Is driving home from the city one night and,
Of course, his car is weaving violentlyall over the road.
A cop pulls him over.
"So," says the copto the driver,
Wherehave ya been?"
" Why, I've been to the pub of course,"
Slurs the drunk.
" Well," says thecop, "it looks like you've had quite
A fewto drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunksays with a smile.
"Did you know,"says the cop, standing straight and
Folding his arms across his chest,
"that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.
"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
************************************************** ***************************
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner,as usual,
When TimFinnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks.
"I've somethin' to tell ya".
"Of course you can comein, you're always welcome, Tim.
But where'smy husband?"
"That's what I'm here tobe telling ya, Brenda."
There was an accident down at the Guinnessbrewery..."
"Oh, God no!" criesBrenda. "Please don't tell me."
"I must, Brenda. Yourhusband ShamusIs dead and gone. I'm sorry.
Finally, she looked up at Tim.
"Howdid it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible,Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim.
Didhe at least go quickly?""Well,Brenda... No. In fact,
Hegot out three times to pee."
************************************************** ****************************
MaryClancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, "So what'sbothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news.
Myhusband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible.
Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father."
The priest says, "What did he ask,Mary? "
She says, He said,
'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'
************************************************** *******
ANDTHEBEST FORLAST
A drunkstaggers into a Catholic Church,
Enters a confessional booth, sits down, butsays nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his
Attentionbut the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally,the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, "ain't no useknockin,
there'sno paper on this sideeither!"

[eytonxav]

Five surgeons were taking a coffee break and discussing their work.

The First said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered."

The Second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order."

The Third said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is colour-coded."

The Fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and their butts are interchangeable."

Thw Fifth surgeon said, "I like Engineers...they always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end..."