It's funny joke Thursday! 2005 - 2020

[mickeyd]

Things Learned The Hard Way

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

5. You should not confuse your career with your life.

6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

7. Never lick a steak knife.

8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)

14. Your friends love you anyway.

15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

[mickeyd]

When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex.









"Tarzan not know sex." he replied.









Jane explained to him what sex was.









Tarzan said "Oh ...Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."









Horrified Jane said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground. "Here,' she said, pointing to her privates, 'you must put it in here."









Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood,stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch!









Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.









Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed,"What did you do that for?"









Tarzan replied, "Check for squirrel."

[BigNick]

Not sure if this is the right thread, but...

Special offer this week in a UK supermarket. Ah, the joys of curtation.


(The clue to what happened can be found in the partially visible box, just above the shelf label.)

[braumeister]

Doesn't sound all that appetizing, but with the Clubcard points it might be ...

[TromboneAl]

As long as it doesn't have pink slime...

[Finance Dave]

What do you call a Mexican guy with a rubber toe?




























Answer:
Roberto

[Sam]

A doctor is going round the ward with a nurse and they come to the first bed where the chap is laying half dead.
"Did you give this man two tablets every eight hours?" asks the doctor.
"Oh, no," replies the nurse, "I gave him eight tablets every two hours!"

At the next bed the next patient also appears half dead.
"Nurse, did you give this man one tablet every twelve hours?"
"Oops, I gave him twelve tablets every one hour," replies the nurse.

The next patient is gone, not an ounce of life.
"Nurse," asks the doctor, "did you prick his boil?"
"Oops!" replies the nurse.

[wargames]

Smokin`

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

GERT: Holy smoke, What's that?
MABEL: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

GERT: Where did you get it?
MABEL: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Gert hobbles into the local drugstore and tells the pharmacist that she needs a box of condoms.

The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, almost 90 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand she prefers. Gert answers, "Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel."

[mickeyd]

[shaycool]

Older Men Scam

Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have seen for men. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it.

A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at Lowe's, Home Depot, Costco, or even Wal-Mart. This one caught me totally by surprise. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works... Two nice looking, college-age girls will come over to your car or truck as you are packing your purchases into your vehicle. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. (It's impossible not to look). When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' but instead ask for a ride to McDonald's.

You agree and they climb into the vehicle. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet. I had my wallet stolen Jan. 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, again on the 17th, 20th, 24th, and the 29th. Also Feb. 1st, 4th, 8th, twice on the 16th &17th, and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of us older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant.

Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found even cheaper ones for $.99 at the Dollar Store and bought them out in three of their stores.

Also, you never get to eat at McDonald's. I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth from Lowe's, to Home Depot, to Wal-Mart.

So please, send this on to all the older men that you know and warn them to be on the lookout for this scam. (The best times are just before lunch and around 4:30 in the afternoon.)

[mickeyd]

TOP 20 WAYS TO TELL SOMEONE THEIR FLY IS UNZIPPED:

20) The cucumber has left the salad.
19) I can see the gun of Navarone.
18) Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.
17) You've got Windows on your laptop.
16) Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.
15) Your soldier isn't so unknown now.
14) Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.
13) You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
12) Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson...
11) Your pod bay door is open, Hal.
10) Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!
9) Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.
8) Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!
7) The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
6) Dr. Kimble has escaped!
5) You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary."
4) Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction...
3) You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
2) I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?

and The Number One Way to Tell Someone Their Fly Is Unzipped..

1) Men are From Mars, I Can See Your Penis.

[Walt34]

Not politically correct but nonetheless:

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"Hunting flies," he responded.
"Oh! Managing to kill any?"
"Yep, 3 males, 2 females." he replied.
Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell them apart?"
"Three were on a beer can, and two were on the phone." he replied.

[shaycool]

The Gynecologist Who Became a Mechanic
A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork,and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently and learned all he could.
When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.
When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?"
"The instructor said, “During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."
After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career"

[packrat44]

In a Chicago Hospital , a gentleman had made several

attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied.



A nurse noticed his predicament.

Sir, she said "You may use the ladies room if you promise

not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."

He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the

buttons he had promised not to touch.

Each button was identified by letters: WW , WA , PP20 and a

red one labeled ATR..

Who would know if he touched them? ;

He couldn't resist.. He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed

gently upon his bottom.

What a nice feeling, he thought.

Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this.

Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm

air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.



When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder

puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this

unbelievable pleasure. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom,

it is tender loving pleasure.



When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't

wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.



Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital

bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.



"What happened?" he exclaimed. "The last thing I remember

was pushing the ATR button."



"The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis

is under your pillow."

[brewer12345]

Goblinbooks: "Help Me Hide These Bodies" By Willy Wonka

"Don't you short bastards look at me like that.

Yes, that's Gloop's mom, and yes, she does seem to be taking one of those naps you don't wake up from. She's on top of the others. They're all in the vat -- four industrial accident victims, and four witnesses who needed extra ventilation. And you know why? Because Willy Lawrence Wonka cleans up his goddamn messes.

And just in case it's not clear to you people... I don't mind topping the pile with a couple green-haired freaks who decided they needed consciences, all of a sudden. We understand each other? You three are all shop foremen, and you know what goes on here. You're problem solvers. And if you listen to me, and do exactly what I tell you, you're going to be in Dubai soon, rolling around on piles of ****ing money with little orange hookers. Or... you can find yourselves a comfy spot down there, because I've just killed four people, and I'm a crazy SOB in a purple jacket holding a gun."

[packrat44]

Let's dispel this myth once and for all...
Women always say that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.
Here is proof that they are wrong.
A year or so after giving birth a woman will often say, "It would be nice to have another kid."
You will never hear a guy say, "I would sure like another kick in the nuts."
Case closed.

[eytonxav]

Quote:

Originally Posted by packrat44 You will never hear a guy say, "I would sure like another kick in the nuts." Case closed.

Unless you happen to be an MMA fighter

[BigNick]

[Chuckanut]

HUSBANDS FOR SALE!

A store that sells husbands has just opened where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates.

You may visit the store ONLY ONCE!

There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch. You may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord. She thinks "Well, that is better than my last boyfriend, but not that much better."

The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids. The thinks "Now that is good, but I can do better."

The third floor sign reads:Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids and are extremely good looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak. She is so tempted to stay but thinks "Imagine how fabulous the men on the 6th floor must be!"

She goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor number 55,444,122 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day!

[wargames]

The American Medical Association has weighed in on Obama's new health care package. The Allergists were in favor of scratching it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves. The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve. Meanwhile, Obstetricians felt certain everyone was laboring under a misconception, while the Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted. Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, "Oh, grow up!" The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it. Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and the Internists claimed it would indeed be a bitter pill to swallow. The Plastic Surgeons opined that this proposal would "put a whole new face on the matter". The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea. Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and those lofty Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no. In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes in Washington.