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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 11-17-2005, 09:03 PM   #281
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

You guys make me laugh every week on this page, keep up the good work.* I can only offer an oldie but goldie, that some of you may actually have not heard.

Guy walks into a bar, asks for the owner and says, "If I can attract enough people into your bar, will you give me and my partner free food and drink".* Sure says the owner, but where is your partner and how are you going to achieve this.* At this point the point the man reaches into the pockets of his coat and pulls out a minature piano, stool and small man dressed in a tuxedo.* The small man pulls up the stool and starts playing the piano and people gather around to listen.

The owner is very impressed and provides free food and drink on the promise that the pair come back the following night.* This goes on for several nights, the word gets around and pretty soon every night is packed.* Eventually the owner asks, "So how did you guys meet", and the man replied, "Well I found this old lamp, rubbed it and out popped an ancient genie and asked me to make a wish.* With my accent and his hearing he must have thought I said a 9" pianist".

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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 11-18-2005, 07:40 AM   #282
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Ex-Jarhead’s first few weeks of retirement were wonderful. Up early every morning, he left his DW still sleeping and headed for the club to meet his buddies for a round of golf. But as time went by, he began to notice a disturbing trend.

Each day when he got back from playing, DW had a list of “honey do’s” waiting for him. As the weeks went by, the list grew longer and more demanding, even though Jarhead worked every afternoon on all the tasks assigned him. Jarhead could see that if this contiued his retirement dream of golf and more golf would soon fade away. After giving it some thought, he approached DW with a suggestion he hoped would divert her from continuing to add to what he had begun to regard as ‘the list from Hell’.

“Honey,” said Jarhead, “I think you need a hobby. You know I how much I enjoy golf and I think you would really like it too. Why don’t you take some lessons from the club pro and see if you have as much fun as I do out on the fairways.”

So she did. And after a few weeks of taking lessons, when Jarhead got up at the crack of dawn to head for the club, DW also climbed out of bed and started getting dressed. “What are you doing up so early?” he asked. “I’m going to play golf with you” she replied.

Jarhead didn’t know what to say. Realizing he had put himself in this situation, he decided to just try to make the best of it and off they went.

On the way to the club, Jarhead pulled into a strip mall and parked the car. “What are you doing?” asks DW. “I’m just going to run into this bakery for a minute” was his reply. He returned to the car with six loaves of fresh wheat bread. DW smiled and they continued to the club.

Jarhead was pleasantly surprised to find his DW was not a bad golfer, considering she’d only had a few lessons. But by the third hole, it was obvious there was a problem. She was s-l-o-w. The guys in the foursome behind them were beginning to get agitated and Jarhead knew he needed to find a way to speed up play.

As they approached the fourth tee, Jarhead said, “Honey, why don’t you go on ahead to the ladies tee while I hit my ball. That will help speed things up a bit.” So while she walked on, Jarhead teed up his ball, took a huge swing, and sliced the ball dead center into the back of DW’s head, knocking her unconscious face down on the ground.

After calling 911 and having EMS transport her to the emergency room, Jarhead sat patiently, waiting for an update on her condition. Finally, the doctor came out to speak to him.

“Sir, your wife has a severe concussion as a result of the blow to the back of her head. It appears she will be OK, but we want to keep her overnight for observation.”

Jarhead was visibly relieved by this news and thanked the physician.

“One more thing.” said the doctor. “We were somewhat puzzled by discovering a golf ball embedded in your wife’s rectum. Can you explain that?”

“Oh, sure” replied Jarhead. “That was my Mulligan.”
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 11-18-2005, 08:41 AM   #283
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

I'm a day late with my chuckle for Thursday. Here is one strange dog.*

http://www.allfunnystuff.com/content...iid=763&cid=31
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 11-18-2005, 12:36 PM   #284
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

How about a Beer Joke for Friday?


BEER TROUBLESHOOTING

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.

SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.

SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 11-18-2005, 09:40 PM   #285
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Columbus, OH (AP) - A seven year old boy was at the center of a Franklin County courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. They boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible. The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her.
When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and stated that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have
custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the child welfare officials, the judge granted
temporary custody to the University of Michigan Wolverines, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 11-18-2005, 09:44 PM   #286
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

http://rinkworks.com/dialect/dialect...ms%2Findex.php

(The ER Forum for rednecks...)
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 11-19-2005, 09:53 AM   #287
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

ex-Jarheard showed up at Mass one Sunday carryng a bag of wheat bread. Since Jarhead had never been seen in church in his adult life, the priest almost fell down when he saw him.

After Mass, the priest said, "Jarhead, I am so glad you decided to come to Mass. What made you come?"

Jarhead said, "I've got to be honest with you, Father. A while back, I misplaced my NY Yankees cap. I really, really love that cap. I knew that DanTien had one just like mine, and I knew that he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that Dan had to take off his cap during Mass, and I figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal it."

The priest said, "Well, Jarhead, I notice that you didn't steal DanTien's cap. What changed your mind?"

Jarhead said "The truth is, after I heard your sermon on the Ten Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal it."

The priest gave Jarhead a big smile and said, "Ah, after I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal,' you decided you would rather do without your cap than burn in Hell, right?"

Jarhead shook his head and said, "No, Father. After you talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,' I remembered where I left it!"
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 11-19-2005, 11:21 AM   #288
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

ReWahoo: Now that one was close to home.

(Very grateful my wife hasn't shown any interest in playing golf).

Unlike the following:

An early retiree was happily following his dream of being able to play a lot of golf, and lowering his handicap. He was playing "skin games" 3 or 4 days a week with his buddies, and playing tournament golf on week-ends.

His wife decided she wanted to also play golf, and after taking a few lessons, talked her husband into taking her out one day.

On the first tee, she missed the ball 3 times, and finally dribbled one up about 30 yards.
An hour and a half later, after letting 3 groups play through, they were on the 4th. hole.

Her husband hit a drive that landed directily behind an old cart shed. The line of flight would be a straight line from his ball to the pin, but for the cart shed. The cart shed was open to the front, but back was spring operated door. Wife suggested she go to the front, hold open the door, and he could play "through" the cart shed.
He hit a ball that caught the side of the door, and on rebound caught his wife in the head. He ran up, and his wife was pretty much "out of it".
An ambulance was called, and under observation, she had only a mild concussion.

A few months went by, and the "happy retiree" was playing with his usual group. He hit a ball that landed almost in the same spot, behind the cart shed, and one of the guys he was playing with suggested that he hold the door for him.

After thinking about it, he said, "Nah, I tried that about 3 months ago, and took an 8 on the hole".

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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 11-19-2005, 05:55 PM   #289
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Have been discussing financial discipline with two of our sons and was reminded of the following:-

Jarhead asked his wife what she would like for her birthday. "A divorce", she replied. " He frowned and said, " Sorry, I wasn't thinking of spending that much".

Our advice - pick your partner with care!
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 11-21-2005, 08:22 AM   #290
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Shortly after they retired, ex-Jarhead and DW were sitting at the kitchen table. Munching on a slice of wheat bread, Jarhead asks, "What will you do if I die before you do?"

After some thought, DW says that she'd probably look for a house-sharing situation with two or three other single or widowed women who might be a little younger than herself, since she is so active for her age.

Then DW asks Jarhead, "What will you do if I die first?"

"Probably the same thing."

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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 11-21-2005, 03:14 PM   #291
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

HER DIARY

Saturday night I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet
at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friend all day long, so
I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no
comment. Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere
quiet so we could talk, he agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked
him what was wrong he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that
he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.

On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept
driving. I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say I
love you! too.

When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to
do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched T.V. He seemed distant
and absent. Finally I decided to go to bed, about 10 minutes later he
came to bed and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made
love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were
somewhere else. I decided that I could not take it anymore so I decided
to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep. I started
crying and cried until I too fell asleep. I don't know what to do. I'm
almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a
disaster.


HIS DIARY

Played a horrible game of golf today! Shot a 95. Can't putt for xxxx.
Got laid though.

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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 11-21-2005, 05:02 PM   #292
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Martha: You deserve better. (That darned Greg!). Of course what can you expect from a guy who didn't let you know you had your shirt on wrong-side out when going out for a nice dinner.
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 11-21-2005, 05:09 PM   #293
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Martha
HER DIARY
HIS DIARY
That reminded me of this classic by Dave Barry:
http://www.blessed2bless.us/by-other...and-women.html

Tim
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 11-21-2005, 06:11 PM   #294
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

And he's not making that up... :P
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 11-21-2005, 07:22 PM   #295
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Quote:
Originally Posted by ex-Jarhead
Quote:
Originally Posted by Martha

Martha: You deserve better. (That darned Greg!). Of course what can you expect from a guy who didn't let you know you had your shirt on wrong-side out when going out for a nice dinner.
His Diary: Everybody's been picking on me all day. AND I didn't get laid either. :P

--DH
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 11-24-2005, 08:12 AM   #296
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Okay, here's the plan:

Back off and let men marry men, women marry women, and totally legalize abortion.

In three generations, there will be no Democrats!!!

Damn! I love it when a plan comes together.
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 11-24-2005, 08:34 AM   #297
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Eagle43
Okay, here's the plan:

Back off and let men marry men, women marry women, and totally legalize abortion.

In three generations, there will be no Democrats!!!

Damn!* *I love it when a plan comes together.
There is a plan I can support

JG
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 11-24-2005, 11:59 AM   #298
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

On a submarine somewhere in the western Pacific...
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 11-24-2005, 01:00 PM   #299
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

My all time favorite animation clip:

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/flash/endofworld.html
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 11-24-2005, 06:14 PM   #300
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

PREGNANT TURKEY STORY

One year at Christmas my mom went to my sister's house for the traditional feast.

Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store.

When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen, and inserted it into the turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven.

When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird.

With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, "Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!" At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry.

It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs!

Yes, SHE WAS BLONDE!
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