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Old 06-20-2012, 07:13 PM   #3021
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On January 9 a group of Pekin Il, bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off a Peoria bridge, so they stopped.





The leader, George a big burly man of 53, gets off his bike, walks through the gawkers, past the State Trooper, and says, "What are you doing?"


"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," he didn't want to miss a be-a-legend opportunity either so he asked ... "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another one.

After she's finished, George gets approval from his group, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you are wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl"




The onlookers are still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.
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Flipping the bird to our enemies
Old 06-22-2012, 01:02 PM   #3022
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Flipping the bird to our enemies



Interesting pic from Manteresting website
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Old 06-23-2012, 12:41 PM   #3023
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Old 06-23-2012, 02:35 PM   #3024
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Politicians or Union Bosses?
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Old 06-23-2012, 03:25 PM   #3025
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A mature lady gets pulled over for speeding...





Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?





Traffic Cop: Yes ma'am, I'm afraid you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.




Traffic Cop: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: Well, I would give it to you but I don't have one.

Traffic Cop: Don't have one?

Older Woman: No. I lost it 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Traffic Cop: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Traffic Cop: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Traffic Cop: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Traffic Cop: You what!?




Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see

The traffic cop looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car while calling for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!




The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: My colleague here tells me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner? Are you serious?!

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.




The traffic cop is quite stunned.

Officer 2: My colleague claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license quizzically.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, but I am puzzled, as I was told by my officer here that you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner!

Older Woman: Bet the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too.
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Jury Duty Bloopers
Old 06-23-2012, 06:04 PM   #3026
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Jury Duty Bloopers

I know that these have been around for a while but I STILL chuckle every time I read them....


IF YOU'VE EVER BEEN CALLED FOR JURY DUTY.....


THEN YOU HAVE TO KNOW THIS IS PRICELESS!




Enjoy a good laugh!





These are from a book called Disorder in the American

Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word,

taken down and now published by court reporters that had

the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking

place..










ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?


WITNESS: No, I just lie there.


______________________________




ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does
it affect your memory at all?


WITNESS: Yes.


ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it
affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget.

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an
example of something you forgot?



___________________________________________



ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter
has ever been involved in voodoo?

WITNESS: We both do.

ATTORNEY: Voodoo?

WITNESS: We do.

ATTORNEY: You do?

WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

____________________________________________



ATTORNEY: Now doctor, "isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?



____________________________________



ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the
twenty-year- old, how old is he?

WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.



___________________________________________



ATTORNEY: Were you present when your
picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you shitting me?



_________________________________________



ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of
the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at
that time?

WITNESS: Getting laid.



____________________________________________



ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?


WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a
different attorney.

Can I get a new attorney?



____________________________________________



ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage
terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it
terminated?

WITNESS: Take a guess.



____________________________________________



ATTORNEY: Can you describe the
individual?

WITNESS: He was about 20, medium height,
and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town,
I'm going with male.



_____________________________________



ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your
autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put
up too much of a fight.



_________________________________________



ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be
oral, OK?

What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral.

_________________________________________



ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that
you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m

ATTORNEY: And, Mr. Denton was dead at
the time?

WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I
finished.

____________________________________________



ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a
urine sample?

WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that
question?



______________________________________

And the best for last:



ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed
the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood
pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that
the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No .

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure,
Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting
on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient
have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he
could have been alive and practicing law.





And that my friends is a good example why, most

politicians in our government and courts are lawyers and our nation is so

screwed up.
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Southern Confidence
Old 06-23-2012, 06:08 PM   #3027
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Southern Confidence

President Barack Obama was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang.

"Hello, President Obama” a heavily accented southern voice said. "This is Archie, down here at Joe's Catfish Shack, in Mobile, and I am callin' to tell ya’ll that we are officially declaring war on y'all!"

"Well Archie," Barack replied, "this is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," said Archie, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, my cousin Harold, my next-door-neighbor Randy, and the whole dart team from Hooters. That makes eight!"

Barack paused. "I must tell you Archie that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Wow," said Archie. "I'll have to call ya back!"

Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. “Mr. Obama, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be Archie?" Barack asked.

"Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harry’s farm tractor."

President Obama sighed. "I must tell you Archie, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also I've increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke."

"Lord above," said Archie. "I'll be getting back to ya."

Sure enough, Archie called again the next day. “President Obama, I am sorry to have to tell you that we have had to call off this here war."

"I'm sorry to hear that," said Barack. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

Well, sir," said Archie, "we've all sat ourselves down and had a long chat over sweet tea
and come to realize that there's just no way we can feed that many prisoners."

SOUTHERN CONFIDENCE CANNOT BE SHAKEN.
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Old 06-27-2012, 07:12 AM   #3028
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Old 06-27-2012, 01:17 PM   #3029
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A gold mine of very funny "necessary correctives" to those horrible HR-sponsored motivational posters:

Demotivators® - View All Demotivational Posters
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Old 06-30-2012, 12:18 PM   #3030
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Today's 6 Question Test


1. A lady read a book, turned the light out and went to sleep. In the morning, when she saw in the newspaper that a ship had sunk drowning all on board, she committed suicide. Why?


2. A young man entered a bar and asked for a glass of water. The person behind the bar produced a gun and pointed it at the man. He replied, "Thank you," and walked off. Why?



3. Imagine you are driving a Mercedes at 100 mph. The steering locks. The doors lock. The brakes fail. You can't get out! You're heading for a 1,000 foot cliff! What do you do?



4. 2 + 2 + 5 = 247. Add one small line to make the sum correct.


5. Luke had it before. Paul had it behind. Ladies have it at the beginning, but only once. Abraham Lincoln had it twice. Boys cannot have it at all. Doctor Lowell had it before and behind. He actually had it twice as bad behind as he had it in front. What is it?

6. A man on horseback went on a two day trip. He left on Tuesday and arrived home on Tuesday. How could this be?


Answers:


1. She was a lighthouse keeper.

2. He had the hiccups.

3. You stop "imagining."

4. Put a line on the first "+," from the top left, making it into a "4."

2 4 2 + 5 = 247

5. It is the letter "L."

6. The name of the horse was "Tuesday."
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Old 06-30-2012, 01:19 PM   #3031
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Quote:
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Politicians or Union Bosses?
I believe that the dude with the cigar is the union boss.
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Old 06-30-2012, 04:41 PM   #3032
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Scott/Dilbert always seems to be thinking like a ERer. I can't make it thru the day w/o reading the D-man.
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Old 07-04-2012, 04:11 PM   #3033
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Old 07-04-2012, 04:16 PM   #3034
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Old 07-04-2012, 04:36 PM   #3035
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Lets see, now who are the bike riders on here.....
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Old 07-04-2012, 10:35 PM   #3036
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Lets see, now who are the bike riders on here.....
I think you might be researching the wrong part of the picture there...
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Old 07-05-2012, 07:56 AM   #3037
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I think you might be researching the wrong part of the picture there...
Alright girls, which one of you is that
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Old 07-05-2012, 08:48 PM   #3038
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I've been troubleshooting the tenant's spare microwave oven for the last couple weeks, and it was one of those "null hypothesis" situations. I could figure out what wasn't broken, but I couldn't directly identify the problem. The troubleshooting guide pointed to the primary control board and some live-gear checks seemed to agree with that. No clear symptoms like a burned thermostat or a fried component.

So I ordered a new PCB from Sears-- 18 months ago it was over $100 but this time it was only $35. (Just about out of production?) Of course shipping was another $30, but after a week of anticipation it got here.

Well, the PCB does not appear to be the problem. So in case the PCB was just one problem (doubtful) I'll check a couple fuses and look for any other changes in the symptoms. But otherwise I think I've just built a spare-parts locker for the tenant's other (in-use) microwave.

The reason we have two microwaves of the same model is because we bought the first as part of a set with its matching range/oven. When the first one broke after 18 months it was easier to just buy a second one of that model (so the tenant wasn't waiting on me) and then fix the spare at my leisure. (That turned out to be a good idea.) But I'm getting tired of this ragged gear. If the tenant's in-use microwave breaks then I think spouse and I will spring for whatever ranks highest on Consumer Reports. Then I'll fix the broken one and sell the whole collection (working microwave & parts) on Craigslist.

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Alright girls, which one of you is that
I know, it's tough to figure it out without a front view.
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Old 07-09-2012, 09:51 AM   #3039
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This has to be THE feel-good story of the year. If this does not touch your heart, then you just don’t have one.

An incredible story of luck and inspiration:

This guy wins $181 million in the lottery and then finds the
love of his life just 2 days later.

Can you believe it? Talk about LUCK!!! Now I know why men play the Lottery
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Old 07-11-2012, 12:17 PM   #3040
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A Higgs Boson Walks into a Catholic church...

Priest: Hi, welcome to our church.
Higgs Boson: Thank you.
Priest: Excuse me, but what are you?
Higgs Boson: I am a Higgs Boson, Father.
Priest: I'm sorry but we don't allow Higgs Bosons in here.
Higgs Boson: Then how the hell do you have mass?
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