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Old 07-12-2012, 11:55 AM   #3041
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Since I am not yet retired and the commuting has really been getting to me lately:

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Old 07-16-2012, 06:50 AM   #3042
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Ed was in Orlando, Fl ....and saw a bumper sticker on a parked car that read "I miss Baltimore".

So he broke the window, stole the radio, took a laptop, the GPS and tires, then left a note that read,


"I hope this helps!!!"
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Old 07-16-2012, 07:23 AM   #3043
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Pilot ("Aviator" for you Navy types) Philosophy


A check ride ought to be like a skirt.
Short enough to be interesting,
but long enough to cover everything.

Speed is life. Altitude is life insurance.

It only takes two things to fly:
Airspeed, and money.

The three most dangerous things in aviation:
1. A Doctor or Dentist in a Cessna.
2. Two captains in a DC-9.

Aircraft Identification:
If it's ugly, it's British.
If it's weird, it's French.
If it's ugly and weird, it's Russian.

Without ammunition, the U.S.A.F. would be just another, very expensive flying club.

The similarity between air traffic, controllers and pilots?
If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies.
If ATC screws up, the pilot dies.

The difference between flight attendants and jet engines:
The engines usually quit whining when they get to the gate.

New FAA motto: 'We're not happy, till you're not happy.'

If Air Traffic Control screws up, it's called a "System Malfunction,"
If a pilot screws up it's called a "violation."

If something hasn't broken on your helicopter--it's about to.

I give that landing a 9 ................. on the Richter scale.

Basic Flying Rules:

1. Try to stay in the middle of the air.
2. Do not go near the edges of it.
3. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance
of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space.
It is much more difficult to fly in the edges.

Unknown landing signal officer (LSO) to carrier pilot after his sixth unsuccessful landing attempt:
"You've got to land here son . . .. this is where the food is."
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Old 07-16-2012, 09:01 AM   #3044
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Quote:
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New FAA motto: 'We're not happy, till you're not happy.'
Whoa, whoa...hold up there...that's Air Canada's motto!
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Old 07-16-2012, 08:44 PM   #3045
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Quote:
Pilot ("Aviator" for you Navy types) Philosophy
And the first commandment: "Contrition is easier than permission"...
.
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Old 07-19-2012, 05:48 PM   #3046
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Nords,

This thread is for jokes, not realty. Wait, maybe realty is a joke.
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Old 07-21-2012, 03:15 PM   #3047
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Quote:
Originally Posted by packrat44 View Post
This thread is for jokes, not realty. Wait, maybe realty is a joke.
Yesterday I found myself trying to explain the concept of serving during the Cold War on a nuclear submarine that could launch intercontinental ballistic missiles to someone who barely even remembers the Reagan administration.

By the end of the conversation the whole concept seemed pretty unreal to me too.
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Old 07-25-2012, 12:29 PM   #3048
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Old Butch

John was in the fertilized egg business.
He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.
He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.
This took a lot of time, so he bought sometiny bells and attached them to his roosters.
Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.
Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency
report by just listening to the bells.
John's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!
When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.
He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Saint Lawrence County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize,"but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.
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Old 07-25-2012, 01:21 PM   #3049
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After the failure of G4S to provide enough security for the London Olympics.... British Government call in some special outside help....
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Old 07-28-2012, 12:49 PM   #3050
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Old 07-28-2012, 03:02 PM   #3051
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nords View Post
Yesterday I found myself trying to explain the concept of serving during the Cold War on a nuclear submarine that could launch intercontinental ballistic missiles to someone who barely even remembers the Reagan administration.

By the end of the conversation the whole concept seemed pretty unreal to me too.

Why would you launch intercontinental ballistic missiles to someone who barely even remembers the Reagan administration.

There are worse offenses that might require a good nuking though, like failure to remember the Carter years !
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Old 07-29-2012, 10:05 AM   #3052
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Received via e-mail:

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical male, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.

There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.

I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place.

I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together.

When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Apparently I'm still lost. It's a man thing
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Old 07-30-2012, 12:27 AM   #3053
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Quote:
Originally Posted by frayne View Post
Why would you launch intercontinental ballistic missiles to someone who barely even remembers the Reagan administration.
There are worse offenses that might require a good nuking though, like failure to remember the Carter years !
About the only way to fix the grammar of my sentence would have been to use brackets!

My daughter attended high school with a Russian exchange student. Once we learned more about her hometown, I realized that I'd aimed warheads in their direction for nearly my whole tour. Oddly enough that year with the exchange student inspired my daughter to start learning Russian on her own, and she's even finished two years of college classes in the language.

As for Carter... well... I think we all want to forget what it's like to have a nuke running the country.
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Old 08-04-2012, 10:08 AM   #3054
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A 15 year history of Wall Street (comic):

A Hilarious 15 Year History Of Wall Street - Business Insider
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Old 08-04-2012, 10:23 AM   #3055
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(I admit this was an e-mail forward of a lot of little jokes, but some of them made me laugh out loud):

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and Family values.

Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'

Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'
___________________________________________

A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?'

The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.'
___________________________________________

'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife 775 a week,'

'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'
___________________________________________
A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all..'

'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'
___________________________________________
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.'

The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'
___________________________________________
Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
1. The DNA all matches.
2. There are no dental records.
___________________________________________

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?'
The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'
'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.
___________________________________________

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
'How was he killed?' asked one detective.
'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.
'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'
'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'
___________________________________________
Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'
Joe: 'Really?'
Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'
___________________________________________

A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.

'I'm O. K. But I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,' he answered.

'What did he say,' asked the nurse.

'Oops!'
___________________________________________

While shopping for holiday clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.

'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'

'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'

He's still in intensive care.
___________________________________________

The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.'
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Old 08-09-2012, 06:58 PM   #3056
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The Whys of Men


1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)




2.. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?

(they don't have enough time)


3.. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?

(they don 't stop to ask directions)


4.. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?

(because theirballs fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)

(You're laughing, aren'tyou?!?!)


5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?

(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)


6.. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?

(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)


7.. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?

( don't know...it never happened)




8.. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?

(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)



One day my housework-challenged husbanddecided to wash his Sweat-shirt Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room,he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'
'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back, ' University of Michigan.'

And they say blondes are dumb...
-------------

A couple is lying in bed. The man says,
'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.'
The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...'


------------------------------------


'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'
'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.

-------------

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor


-----------------------------------------------------------

Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience forhis moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.
AMEN


----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
-------------

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

-----------------------------------------------------------


Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manual.'
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Old 08-10-2012, 07:45 AM   #3057
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Some stuff just can't be made up Amusingly Bizarre Notes From Completely Insane Mothers | Happy Place

Pics of notes parents left their sons, posted at happyplace.com
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Old 08-10-2012, 05:18 PM   #3058
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Beer Quotes...

Sometimes when I reflect on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. I think, "It is better to drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."

Babe Ruth

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day."

Lyndon B. Johnson

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."

Paul Horning

~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."

H. L. Mencken

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"

George Bernard Shaw
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."

Benjamin Franklin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."

Dave Barry

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

BEER: HELPING UGLY PEOPLE HAVE SEX SINCE 3000 B.C.!

W. C. Fields

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Remember "I" before "E," except in Budweiser.

Professor Irwin Corey

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group Salvation in a can!

Leo Durocher

~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One night at Cheers, Cliff Clavin explained the" Buffalo Theory"to his buddy Norm:

"Well, ya see, Norm, it's like this.. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members! ; In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine! That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.
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Old 08-12-2012, 10:35 PM   #3059
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Sunday Morning Sex


Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, mydear," replied granny.. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age,we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start tolling. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."
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Old 08-15-2012, 07:14 PM   #3060
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Things Learned The Hard Way

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill, a viagra pill, and a laxative on the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. You should not confuse your career with your life.
6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
7. Never lick a steak knife.
8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time. Any explanation will refer to Ben Franklin.
10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)
14. Your friends love you anyway.
15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.
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