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Old 08-16-2012, 11:21 PM   #3061
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I failed a Health and Safety course at the Senior Center today.


One of the questions was:

"In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?"
"F*cking' big ones" was apparently the wrong answer.
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Old 08-17-2012, 11:32 AM   #3062
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Quote:
Originally Posted by packrat44 View Post
IN CASE YOU DIDN'T ALREADY KNOW THIS LITTLE TIDBIT OF TRIVIA, ON JULY 20, 1969, AS COMMANDER OF THE APOLLO 11 LUNAR MODULE, NEIL ARMSTRONG WAS THE FIRST PERSON TO SET FOOT ON THE MOON.



HIS FIRST WORDS AFTER STEPPING ON THE MOON, "THAT'S ONE SMALL STEP FOR MAN, ONE GIANT LEAP FOR MANKIND," WERE TELEVISED TO EARTH AND HEARD BY MILLIONS.*
BUT JUST BEFORE HE RE-ENTERED THE LANDER, HE MADE THE ENIGMATIC REMARK - "GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY".
MANY PEOPLE AT NASA THOUGHT IT WAS A CASUAL REMARK COCERNING SOME RIVAL SOVIET COSMONAUT.



HOWEVER, UPON CHECKING, THERE WAS NO GORSKY IN EITHER THE
RUSSIAN OR AMERICAN SPACE PROGRAMS.
OVER THE YEARS, MANY PEOPLE QUESTIONED ARMSTRONG AS TO WHAT THE -'GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY' - STATEMENT MEANT, BUT ARMSTRONG ALWAYS JUST SMILED.
ON JULY 5, 1995, IN TAMPA BAY, FLORIDA, WHILE ANSWERING QUESTIONS FOLLOWING A SPEECH, A REPORTER BROUGHT UP THE 26-YEAR-OLD QUESTION TO ARMSTRONG. THIS TIME HE FINALLY RESPONDED.
MR. GORSKY HAD DIED, SO NEIL ARMSTRONG FELT HE COULD NOW ANSWER THE QUESTION.
IN 1938, WHEN HE WAS A KID IN A SMALLMID-WESTERN TOWN, HE WAS PLAYING BASEBALL WITH A FRIEND IN THE BACKYARD.



HIS FRIEND HIT THE BALL, WHICH LANDED IN HIS NEIGHBOR'S YARD BY THEIR BEDROOM WINDOW.
HIS NEIGHBORS WERE MR. AND MRS. GORSKY. AS HE LEANED DOWN TO PICK UP THE BALL, YOUNG ARMSTRONG HEARD MRS. GORSKY SHOUTING AT MR. GORSKY - "SEX! YOU WANT SEX?! YOU'LL GET SEX WHEN THE KID NEXT DOOR WALKS ON THE MOON !"
TRUE STORY. It broke the place up.
It's still funny even though it's not true:

snopes.com: Good Luck, Mr. Gorsky!
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Old 08-17-2012, 01:08 PM   #3063
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Having turned 50, I was advised by my doctor that it's time for my first colonoscopy. I'm actually 53, ok so I put it off for a few years.

Well, yesterday was the day. The worst part about the whole ordeal was the prep. That wasn't so bad either, except that I had to drink only clear liquids from Sunday morning until after the procedure.

So I show up at the doctor's office, ready for the worst. They had me strip down and put on a hospital gown, open in the back, of course. Then I was ushered into a room with red, velvet walls, and lots of fluffy pillows. That seemed kinda strange, I thought. The lights were turned seductively low, and I could hear the slow rhythm of Barry White's deep baratone voice singing, "Never, never gonna give you up, I?m never, ever gonna stop . . . "

The doctor came in and commented on how fit I looked. He also said he liked my hair . . . like . . . whatever. Then he told me to bend over and put both elbows on the table. I could hear him fiddling around with some instruments. I thought it a bit strange that we were the only two people in the room. No nurses, just the two of us.

Another Barry White song . . .

The longer we make love
The closer I want to be
I just can't get enough
I love the way you freak me


Just when I started to feel kinda mellow, I could hear the SNAP of a latex glove. I felt both of the doctor's hands on my shoulders. Funny though, he didn't seem to be wearing latex gloves. "Don't worry, this won't hurt a bit", he said.

I think I might have blacked out, because I don't remember what happended after that. The next thing I remember is being alone in the room, feeling a little vulnerable. There was a stomped out cigarette butt on the floor. After a few minutes, the doctor came in. "Well, how was my colon," I asked.

"Awesome", he said. That's what he said . . . "AWESOME". I guess that's good, right?

Anyway, he paid my cab fair back home. I'm not sure if my healthcare plan will cover that, or the flowers that he sent to my office this morning.

I wonder if he'll call me.
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Old 08-17-2012, 05:17 PM   #3064
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I started to post this in the recipe thread but decided better of it. Definitely a great recipe for this stinking hot summer. Make sure to read the reviews to get all the tips and tricks.

Ice Cubes Recipe - Food.com - 420398
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Old 08-18-2012, 02:58 PM   #3065
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I miss Trombone Al.
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Old 08-18-2012, 03:43 PM   #3066
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Your aim should improve with practice.
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Old 08-19-2012, 12:42 PM   #3067
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OLD IS WHEN ........(My apoligies in advance to those who see themselves in more than one example here)


"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love,"
and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!"

"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... When you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee
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Old 08-27-2012, 03:59 PM   #3068
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Old 08-27-2012, 08:12 PM   #3069
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This morning on the Interstate,I looked over to my left and there was a Woman In a brand new Cadillac doing 65 mph.

With her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner.

I looked away for a couple seconds to continue shaving and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane
still working on that makeup.

As a man I don't scare easily, but, she scared me so much; I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut
out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel,
I knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs!

Splashed and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the damn phone, soaked my trousers and disconnected an
important call.

Damn women drivers
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Old 08-29-2012, 05:22 PM   #3070
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A wife screamed at her husband:
"Leave!! Get out of this house!"


As he was walking out the door she yelled,

"And .. I hope you die a slow and painful death!"



He turned around and replied

"So now you want me to stay?"
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Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. Groucho Marx

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Old 08-29-2012, 06:23 PM   #3071
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Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. Groucho Marx

In dire need of: faster horses, younger woman, older whiskey, more money.
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Old 08-29-2012, 11:26 PM   #3072
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ARE WE THE ONES WHO ARE AGING??

ONE

Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu thatyou could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets.

I asked for a half dozen nuggets.

'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the
teenager at the counter.

'You don't?' I replied.

'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply.

'So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?'

'That's right.'

So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets

(Unbelievable but sadly true...)
(Must have been the same one I asked for sweetener,
and she said they didn't have any, only Splenda and sugar.)

TWO

I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a fewitems and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine.
I picked up one of those 'dividers' that they keep by thecash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed.
After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the'divider', looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it.
Not finding the bar code, she said to me, 'Do you know howmuch this is?'
I said to her 'I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll buythat today.'
She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.

( But the lady behind me had a big smirk on her face as Ileft)

THREE

A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into herfloppydrive and pulling it out very quickly.
When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she wasshopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so shewas using the ATM 'thingy.'
(Keep shuddering!!)

FOUR

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside hercar. 'Do you need some help?' I asked.
She replied, 'I knew I should have replaced the batteryto this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they(pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?'
'Hmmm, I don't know. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked.
'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered,
handing it and the car keys to me.
As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I
replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and
check about the batteries. It's a long walk....'

PLEASE just lay down before you hurt yourself !!!

FIVE

Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift.One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out oftyping paper. What do I do?'
'Just use paper from the photocopier', the secretary toldher.
With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece ofpaper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five 'blank' copies.

Brunette, by the way!!

SIX

A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if sheneeds to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid had eaten ants.
The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and heshould be fine, the mother says, 'I just gave him some ant killer......'

Dispatcher: 'Rush him in to emergency right now!'

Life is tough. It's even tougher if you'restupid!!!!
(Remember,you can't fix stupid!!!)

Someone had to remind me, so I'm reminding you too.
Don't laugh....it is all true...
=======================

Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 and heading towards 70!

01. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

02.. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

03. No one expects you to run--anywhere.

04. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"

05. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

06. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

07. Things you buy now won't wear out.

08. You can eat supper at 5 PM.

09. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks intothe room.

13. You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won't get much worse.

15 . Your investment in health insurance is finally beginningto pay off.

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the nationalweather service.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because theycan't remember them either.

18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

19. You can't remember who sent you this list.

20. And you notice these are all in Big Print for yourconvenience.



Never, under any circumstances,
take a sleeping pill and a laxative on thesame night !
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Old 09-01-2012, 11:03 AM   #3073
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^^^ lol
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Old 09-01-2012, 11:53 AM   #3074
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FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:
1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed, and likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other or you could end up dead.
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Old 09-06-2012, 09:57 PM   #3075
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That tshirt is great. I need one of those.
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Old 09-09-2012, 06:33 AM   #3076
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My wife left a note on the fridge:




"It's not working, I just can't stand it any more. Gone to stay at Mother's."
I opened the fridge, the light came on, the beer was cold. I have no idea what in the hell she was talking about............the fridge works just fine.


WOMEN, who can understand them?
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Old 09-14-2012, 01:58 PM   #3077
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The husband returns home from Sunday mass, when he sees his wife he smiles broadly, spreads his arms to hug her, and picks her up off the floor. Flustered, she asks if the sermon was to love one's spouse. His reply: No, it was to embrace our troubles with a smile and carry our cross with joy.
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Old 09-14-2012, 04:21 PM   #3078
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In the interests of keeping this thread focused on jokes I've moved the Neil Armstrong discussion to a new thread.

What did Neil Armstong really say?
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Old 09-14-2012, 05:10 PM   #3079
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Old 09-14-2012, 05:17 PM   #3080
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Darn, I actually didn't mean to post a little red "x" in the upper corner. But, that's what I did (and probably will do again one of these days).
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