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Tryin' to sell his peaches....
Old 11-08-2012, 09:22 AM   #3121
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Tryin' to sell his peaches....

A farmer was selling his peaches door to door. He knocked on a door and a shapely 30-something woman dressed in a very sheer negligee answered the door. He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked, "Would you like to buy some peaches?"
She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked, "Are they as firm as this?"
He nodded his head and said, "Yes ma'am," and a little tear ran from his eye.
Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking, "Are they nice and pink like this?"
The farmer said, "Yes," and a tear came from the other eye.
Then she unbuttoned the bottom of her negligee and asked, "Are they as fuzzy as this?"
He again said, "Yes," and broke down crying.
She asked, "Why on earth are you crying?"
Drying his eyes he replied, "The drought got my corn, the flood got my soy beans, a tornado leveled my barn, I voted for Obama and now I think I'm gonna get screwed out of my peaches..
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The game of dating...
Old 11-11-2012, 12:52 PM   #3122
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The game of dating...

EASY: A term used to describe a woman who has the morals of a man.

EYE CONTACT: A method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many women have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.

FRIEND: A member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.

INDIFFERENCE: A woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man as "playing hard to get."

IRRITATING HABIT: What the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.

NYMPHOMANIAC: A man's term for a woman who wants to do it more often than he does.

SOBER: A condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.

ATTRACTION: The act of associating horniness with a particular person.

LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT: What occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.

LAW OF RELATIVITY: How attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is.
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Old 11-22-2012, 05:59 PM   #3123
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Nation Horrified To Learn About War In Afghanistan While Reading Up On Petraeus Sex Scandal --TheOnion headline
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Old 11-25-2012, 02:04 PM   #3124
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--A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back.

The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup
down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "

'No,' the woman replied. I'm with the IRS.
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Old 11-26-2012, 04:54 PM   #3125
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Rabbi and a Catholic Priest are sitting next to each other on an airplane.
They begin talking - and different tenets of their faiths become the topic.

The Priest asks, "Have you ever tried pork?"

Rabbi, "Yes, I one time tried it to see what I was missing. Have you ever had enjoyed the physical pleasures of a woman?"

Priest, sheepishly, "Yes, I one time slipped within my vows and sinned in the flesh with a woman."

Rabbi, "Sure beats a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"
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Old 12-04-2012, 08:16 AM   #3126
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Browsing on an unrelated page, this ad came up.



Being somewhat insecure, this is stuff I don't really wanna know.

Besides... am not on Facebook.
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Old 12-08-2012, 02:24 PM   #3127
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Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. Groucho Marx

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Life on the Farm
Old 12-11-2012, 03:46 PM   #3128
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Life on the Farm

1

A young boy comes down for breakfast.
Since they live on a farm, his Mother asks if he has done his chores.
"Not yet," said the little boy.

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, he's a little ticked off so when he feeds the chickens, he kicks a chicken.

When he feeds the cows, he kicks a cow.

When he feeds the pigs, he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

How come I don't get any eggs and bacon, and why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.

Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, So you don't get any eggs for a week.

I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either.

I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk."

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says,



"You gonna tell him or should I?

2

A farmer asked a friend to recommend an attorney to defend him against a charge of bestiality.

"I know a great trial lawyer," the fellow said, "but he's expensive and doesn't know how to pick a jury. I know another lawyer," he continued, "who's not a great trial lawyer, but he's cheap and really knows how to pick a jury."

The farmer settled on the cheap attorney, but immediately had second thoughts when the key witness, a neighbor, began his testimony.

"I saw Jed mount his goat from behind," he said, "and when he was finished, I saw the goat turn around and lick Jed's pecker."

The accused farmer was devastated and had all but given up hope of acquittal when a juror in overalls whispered to the fellow next to him, "You know, a good goat will do that."
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Old 12-12-2012, 07:21 PM   #3129
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On the occasion of their 50th wedding anniversary, Billy-Bob decided to forego a big party, and treat Linda-Sue to a memorable evening at home. Quietly filling the bathtub with champagne, he called her into the bathroom and they spent a sensual evening soaking in the tub by candlelight.

When they were finished, Billy-Bob decided he couldn't let all that expensive champagne go to waste. So, he carefully poured it back into the empty bottles. However, when he was finished, he found he had nearly a half-bottle too much.

He screamed at his wife, "Linda-Sue..!! You DIDN'T..?!?"
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Old 12-12-2012, 07:45 PM   #3130
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Today was the occasion that the Pope made his first tweet.

Pope Benedict sends first personal tweet - CNN.com

When asked if the Pope would be getting an iPad, the Vatican said that the Pope would not be tempted by an Apple
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Old 12-13-2012, 01:54 PM   #3131
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Dear Santa,
How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the reindeer to the elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I would like an X-Box 360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 4 for Christmas. I hope you remember that come Christmas Day.
Merry Christmas,
Timmy Jones
* *
Dear Timmy,
Thank you for you letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all fine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried all the time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn’t want you to get fat. Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I’ll bring you something you can go outside and play with.Merry Christmas,
Santa Claus
***
Mr. Claus,
Seeing that I have fulfilled the “naughty vs. Nice” contract, set by you I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to granting me what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn’t want to turn this joyous season into one of litigation. Also, don’t you think that a jibe at my weight coming from an overweight man who goes out once a year is a bit trite?
Respectfully,
Tim Jones
***
Mr. Jones,
While I have acknowledged you have met the “nice” criteria, need I remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is it a guarantee of services provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action, well that is your right. Please know, however, that my attorney’s have been on retainer ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident and will be more than happy to take you on in open court. Additionally, the exercise I alluded to will not only improve your health, but also improve your social skills and potentially help clear up a complexion that looks like the bottom of the Burger King fry bin most days.
Very Truly Yours,
S Claus
***
Now look here Fat Man,
I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was attempting to be polite about this but you brought my looks and my friends into this. Now you just be disrespecting me. I’m about to tweet my boys and we’re gonna be waiting for your fat ass and I’m taking my game console, my game, my phone, and whatever else I want. WHAT EVER I WANT, MAN!
T-Bone
***
Listen Pizza Face,
Seriously You think a dude that breaks into every house in the world on
one night and never gets caught sweats a skinny G-banger wannabe? “He sees you when you’re sleeping; He knows when you’re awake”. Sound familiar, genius? You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal. I got your sh*t wired, Jack. I go all around the world and see ways to hurt people that if I described them right now, you’d throw up your Totino’s pizza roll all over the carpet of your mom’s basement. You’re not getting what you asked for, but I’m still stopping by your crib to stomp a mud hole in you’re ass and then walk it dry. Chew on that, Petunia.
S Clizzy
* *
Dear Santa,
Bring me whatever you see fit. I’ll appreciate anything.
Timmy
* *
Timmy,
That’s what I thought, you little bastard.
Santa
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Old 12-13-2012, 11:25 PM   #3132
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Another Christmas joke:

An old man in Florida calls his son in New York and tells him he and his mother are getting a divorce after 45 years. "I can't stand looking at her face anymore," he tells him.

"Call your sister and tell her, I don't want to listen to her trying to talk me out of it."

In a panic the son calls his sister in Chicago, who promptly calls her father after hearing the news, telling him, "Don't sign any papers, don't talk a lawyer, wait for my brother and I to get down there and we can talk it over."

Hanging up the phone with his daughter, the old man turns to his wife and says, "They're coming down for Christmas and they're paying for the flights."
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Old 12-15-2012, 03:10 AM   #3133
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Stolen from elsewhere:

With the Holidays upon us I would like to share a personal experience with my friends about drinking and driving. As you may know some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends.

Well two days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several cocktails followed by some rather nice red wine. Feeling jolly I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit. That's when I did something that I've never done before - I took a cab home. Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block but since it was a cab they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident. This was a real surprise as I had never driven a cab before, I don't know where I got it and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it.
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Old 12-17-2012, 08:16 AM   #3134
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Investment Opportunity!!!! Don't get left out of this one!!!!


Thought you might want to consider getting on board early....


A British Engineer just started his own business in Afghanistan.

He's making land mines that look like prayer mats.

It's doing well.

He says prophets are going through the roof.
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Old 12-19-2012, 11:43 PM   #3135
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from another joke thread on another site:

A guy is standing on his balcony in a high rise when an object the size of a hailstone falls out of the sky. On reflex, he reaches out and grabs it. It turns out to be a glass eye. He leans over the railing and sees a woman waving at him from a few floors up. He takes the elevator and arrives at the door to her apartment. She opens the door and is drop-dead gorgeous.

"Oh, thank you SO much!" she gushes. "Come on in, have a glass of wine with me!" They go into her apartment. She pops the prosthesis back into its socket and opens a bottle of red. She hands him his glass and says "Make yourself comfortable on the couch. I'll be right back!"

She disappears into the bedroom and comes out a few minutes later in a flimsy negligee. Then she curls up on the couch and starts nuzzling the guy's neck.

He stares at her in disbelief. "Tell me," he says, "do you come on like this to every guy you meet?"

"No," she purrs. "Just to those who catch my eye!"
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25 more reasons not to own a smartphone
Old 12-20-2012, 12:16 PM   #3136
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25 more reasons not to own a smartphone

The 25 Funniest AutoCorrects Of 2012
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Old 12-20-2012, 04:28 PM   #3137
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kevink View Post
Oh dear! Had trouble reading them as I was laughing so hard I cried! Thanks for sharing.
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Old 12-21-2012, 05:09 AM   #3138
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Well, it is not Thursday, but seems the End of The World did not happen in SW PA. 18 hours to go
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Old 12-21-2012, 03:34 PM   #3139
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I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.

I said, "Nice legs."

The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."

I said "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now. "
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Man's Best Friend
Old 12-24-2012, 12:08 PM   #3140
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Man's Best Friend

I love the facial expression


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