It's funny joke Thursday! 2005 - 2020

[mickeyd]

New Year's Resolutions for Pets

1. Have a torrid one-night stand with a street mutt.

2. I will no longer be beholden to the sound of the can opener.

3. Circulate petition that Leg Humping be a juried competition in major dog shows.

4. Call PETA and tell them what that surgical mask-wearing freak does to us when no one is around.

5. Take time from busy schedule to stop and smell the behinds.

6. Hamster: Don't let them figure out I'm just a rat on 'roids, or they'll flush my butt.

7. Grow opposable thumb; break into pantry; decide for MYSELF how much food is *too* much.

8. Get out of the castle more, maybe swim counter-clockwise this year.

9. January 1st: Kill the sock! Must kill the sock! January 2nd - December 31: Re-live victory over the sock.

10. I will NOT chase the damned stick unless I see it LEAVE HIS HAND.

[Purron]

Remember going through this?

[Nodak]

New state slogans for 2013
New State Slogans for 2013

[eytonxav]

A C-130 was lumbering along when a cocky F-16 flashed by.

The jet jockey decided to show off .



The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot, 'watch this!'
and promptly went into a barrel roll followed by a steep climb..

He then finished with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier.
The F-16 pilot asked the C-130 pilot what he thought of that.





The C-130 pilot said, 'That was impressive, but watch this!'

The C-130 droned along for about 5 minutes
and then t he C-130 pilot came back on and said:
'What did you think of that?'

Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked, 'What the heck did you do?'

The C-130 pilot chuckled.
'I stood up, stretched my legs, walkedto the back,
took a leak, then got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon roll.'

When you are young & foolish -
speed & flash may seem a good thing!

When you get older & smarter -
comfort & dull is not such a bad thing!

Us older folks understand this one, it's called S.O.S.

Slower, Older and Smarter.

[Nodak]

With apologies to our neighbors in Minnesota

Just in case ya didn't know...
Minnesota became the 32nd state on May 11, 1858 and was originally settled by a lost tribe of Norwegians seeking refuge from the searing heat of Wisconsin 's winters.

Minnesota gets it's name from the Sioux Indian word "mah-nee-soo-tah," meaning, "No, really... They eat fish soaked in lye."

The state song of Minnesota is "Someday the Vikings will... Aw, never mind."

The Mall of America in Bloomington , Minnesota covers 9.5 million square feet and has enough space to hold 185,000 idiot teenagers yapping away on cell phones.

Madison, Minnesota is known as "the lutefisk capital of the world." Avoid this city at all costs.

"The Mary Tyler Moore Show" was set in Minneapolis , Minnesota , and was Mary's first real acting job since leaving the "Dick van Dyke Show. The show about a single woman's struggle to find happiness in the big city was originally titled "Life Without Dick," but that was changed for some reason.

Downtown Minneapolis has an enclosed skyway system covering 52 blocks, allowing people to live, work, eat, and sleep without ever going outside. The only downside to this is that a Norwegian occasionally turns up missing.

Cartoonist Charles M. Shultz was born in Minneapolis , Minnesota and grew up in St. Paul. He was the only artist to accurately depict the perfectly circular heads of Minnesota natives.

The Hormel Company of Austin , Minnesota produces 6 million cans of Spam a year, even though no one actually eats it. Spam is a prized food in Japan & Hawaii--Spam sushi!!

Minnesota license plates are blue & white and contain the phrase "Blizzards on the 4th of July - you get used to it."

Frank C. Mars, founder of the Mars Candy Co. was born in Newport, Minnesota . His 3 Musketeers candy bar originally contained three bars in one wrapper, each filled with a different flavor of nougat -chocolate, Spam and lutefisk.

Tonka trucks continue to be manufactured in Minnetonka, Minnesota, despite the thousands of GI Joe dolls killed by them annually in rollover accidents. No airbags, no seat belts. These things are deathtraps, I tell ya!

Author Laura Ingalls Wilder was raised at Walnut Grove, Minnesota, and was famous for writing the "Little House" series of books, as well as inventing the "Spam diet" which consists of looking at a plate of Spam until you lose your appetite. Much like the "lutefisk diet"

The snowmobile was invented in Roseau , Minnesota so as to allow families a means of attending 4th of July picnics

Minnesotans are almost indistinguishable from Wisconsinites. The only way to tell them apart is to ask if they voted for Mondale in '84.

Cold is a relative thing ya know....

At 65 degrees, Arizonans turn on the heat. People in Minnesota plant gardens.
At 60, Californians shiver uncontrollably. People in Minnesota sunbathe.
At 50, Italian & English cars won't start. People in Minnesota drive with the windows down..
At 40, Georgians don coats, thermal underwear, gloves, wool hats. People in Minnesota throw on a flannel shirt.
At 35, New York landlords finally turn up the heat. People in Minnesota have the last cookout before it gets cold.
At 20, People in Miami all die. Minnesotans close their windows.
At 0, Californians fly away to Mexico . People in Minnesota get out their winter coats.
At 10 below zero, Hollywood disintegrates. The Girl Scouts in Minnesota are selling cookies door to door.
At 20 below, Washington DC runs out of hot air. (Ya think? Nah.). People in Minnesota let their dogs sleep indoors.
At 30 below, Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. Minnesotans get upset because they can't start the snowmobile.
At 40 below, ALL atomic motion stops. People in Minnesota start saying..."Cold enough for ya, eh?"
At 50 below, heck freezes over. Minnesota public schools will open 2 hours late.

[frayne]

One of the funniest things I read today:

"Kate Upton and Mark Sanchez only dated for about 20 minutes, and that was almost a year ago, but that didn?t stop her from mocking him on twitter last night during the BCS Championship game because women are black hearted monsters.

Sanchez of course is the, um, ?quarterback? (for lack of a better word) for the NY Jets, who went 6-10 this season, so as Alabama rolled Notre Dame 42-10, Upton posted the tweet above ['It's okay Notre Dame this happened to the Jets every week.']. Sanchez tried to reply several times, but sent the first few tweets to the wrong model and then dropped his phone."

[travelover]

Saw this on Facebook:

[David1961]

If Apple made automobiles, would they have Windows?

[eytonxav]

Lots of faces like this at my office:

[mickeyd]

WORLD'S EASIEST IQ TEST (QUIZ)!

(Passing requires only 3 correct answers out of 10!)

Time yourself

QUESTIONS START HERE:

1) How long did the Hundred Years' War last ?



2) Which country makes Panama hats ?



3) From which animal do we get cat gut ?



4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution ?



5) What is a camel's hair brush made of ?



6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal ?



7) What was King George VI's first name ?



8) What color is a purple finch ?



9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from ?



10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane ?



Remember, you need only 3 correct answers to pass.
Happy Smile!
ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ


1) 116 years, from 1337 to 1453.

2) Ecuador.

3) From sheep and horses.

4) November. The Russian calendar was 13 days behind ours.

5) Squirrel fir.

6) The Latin name was Insularia Canaria - Island of the Dogs.

7) Albert. When he came to the throne in 1936 he respected the wish of Queen Victoria that no future king should ever be
called Albert.

8) Distinctively crimson.

9) New Zealand.

10) Orange

[GalaxyBoy]

Quote:

Originally Posted by David1961 If Apple made automobiles, would they have Windows?

We do know they would have no Flash.

[brewer12345]

.

[Richard4444]

A dog lover, whose dog was a female and in heat, agreed to look after her neighbours' male dog while the neighbours were on vacation. She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate.

Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice. She explained the problem to him, and the vet said,

"Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing should make the male lose his erection and he will withdraw."

"Do you think that will work?" she asked.

"It just worked for me," he replied.

[Nemo2]

[Nemo2]

[eytonxav]

Make sure to read story at bottom…

TheGreat.jpg (98.04 KiB) Viewed 160 times



"Good news is that I truly out did myself this year with my Christmas decorations. The bad news is that I had to take him down after 2 days. I had more people come screaming up to my house than ever.Great stories. But two things made me take it down.

First, the cops advised me that it would cause traffic accidents as they almost wrecked when they drove by.

Second, a 55 year old lady grabbed the 75 pound ladder almost killed herself putting it against my house and didn't realize he was fake until she climbed to the top (she was not happy). By the way, she was one of many people who attempted to do that. My yard couldn't take it either. I have more than a few tire tracks where people literally drove up my yard."

[Sweetlip]

'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior .. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'

'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer beforeI devoted my life to Christ.'

'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed. 'So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?'

'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!'

'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. 'You must tell me all about it!'

'Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother Superior -540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dog leg left and a hidden green....and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made.

And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight !'

'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!'

'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister. 'While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!'

'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the Mother.





'ButI didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister. 'And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!'






'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile.





'Nope,that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as
the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!'

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...










'You missed the f*$!*n' putt, didn't you?

[Htown Harry]

I heard this one listening to sports talk radio and nearly crashed when they got to the punchline.

Caution: locker room humor...

Urban Meyer tells the horrifying legend of Woody Hayes' turtle - SBNation.com

Quote:

'I'm going to show you toughness.'

[David1961]

A young man recently joined a gym and noticed many very attractive ladies who were members. He asked his coach what machine he should use to impress these ladies the most. The coach said the ATM machine.

[tinlizzy]

Ha!