Join Early Retirement Today
Reply
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread Display Modes
Old 12-31-2012, 11:44 AM   #3141
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
mickeyd's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Texas~29N/98W
Posts: 5,695
New Year's Resolutions for Pets

1. Have a torrid one-night stand with a street mutt.

2. I will no longer be beholden to the sound of the can opener.

3. Circulate petition that Leg Humping be a juried competition in major dog shows.

4. Call PETA and tell them what that surgical mask-wearing freak does to us when no one is around.

5. Take time from busy schedule to stop and smell the behinds.

6. Hamster: Don't let them figure out I'm just a rat on 'roids, or they'll flush my butt.

7. Grow opposable thumb; break into pantry; decide for MYSELF how much food is *too* much.

8. Get out of the castle more, maybe swim counter-clockwise this year.

9. January 1st: Kill the sock! Must kill the sock! January 2nd - December 31: Re-live victory over the sock.

10. I will NOT chase the damned stick unless I see it LEAVE HIS HAND.
__________________

__________________
Part-Owner of Texas

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. Groucho Marx

In dire need of: faster horses, younger woman, older whiskey, more money.
mickeyd is offline   Reply With Quote
Join the #1 Early Retirement and Financial Independence Forum Today - It's Totally Free!

Are you planning to be financially independent as early as possible so you can live life on your own terms? Discuss successful investing strategies, asset allocation models, tax strategies and other related topics in our online forum community. Our members range from young folks just starting their journey to financial independence, military retirees and even multimillionaires. No matter where you fit in you'll find that Early-Retirement.org is a great community to join. Best of all it's totally FREE!

You are currently viewing our boards as a guest so you have limited access to our community. Please take the time to register and you will gain a lot of great new features including; the ability to participate in discussions, network with our members, see fewer ads, upload photographs, create a retirement blog, send private messages and so much, much more!

Old 01-01-2013, 03:14 PM   #3142
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
Purron's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 5,585
Remember going through this?
Attached Images
File Type: jpg vacation.jpg (27.7 KB, 89 views)
__________________

__________________
I purr therefore I am.
Purron is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-01-2013, 10:08 PM   #3143
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Nodak's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Cavalier
Posts: 2,157
New state slogans for 2013
New State Slogans for 2013
__________________
"Don't take life so serious, son. It ain't nohow permanent." Pogo Possum (Walt Kelly)
Nodak is offline   Reply With Quote
Definition of SOS
Old 01-02-2013, 07:35 AM   #3144
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
DFW_M5's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2003
Posts: 4,701
Definition of SOS

A C-130 was lumbering along when a cocky F-16 flashed by.

The jet jockey decided to show off .



The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot, 'watch this!'
and promptly went into a barrel roll followed by a steep climb..

He then finished with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier.
The F-16 pilot asked the C-130 pilot what he thought of that.





The C-130 pilot said, 'That was impressive, but watch this!'

The C-130 droned along for about 5 minutes
and then t he C-130 pilot came back on and said:
'What did you think of that?'

Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked, 'What the heck did you do?'

The C-130 pilot chuckled.
'I stood up, stretched my legs, walked
to the back,
took a leak, then got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon roll.'



When you are young & foolish -
speed & flash may seem a good thing!

When you get older & smarter -
comfort & dull is not such a bad thing!

Us older folks understand this one, it's called S.O.S.
Slower, Older and Smarter.
__________________
DFW_M5 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-04-2013, 09:06 AM   #3145
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Nodak's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Cavalier
Posts: 2,157
With apologies to our neighbors in Minnesota

Just in case ya didn't know...
Minnesota became the 32nd state on May 11, 1858 and was originally settled by a lost tribe of Norwegians seeking refuge from the searing heat of Wisconsin 's winters.

Minnesota gets it's name from the Sioux Indian word "mah-nee-soo-tah," meaning, "No, really... They eat fish soaked in lye."

The state song of Minnesota is "Someday the Vikings will... Aw, never mind."

The Mall of America in Bloomington , Minnesota covers 9.5 million square feet and has enough space to hold 185,000 idiot teenagers yapping away on cell phones.

Madison, Minnesota is known as "the lutefisk capital of the world." Avoid this city at all costs.

"The Mary Tyler Moore Show" was set in Minneapolis , Minnesota , and was Mary's first real acting job since leaving the "Dick van Dyke Show. The show about a single woman's struggle to find happiness in the big city was originally titled "Life Without Dick," but that was changed for some reason.

Downtown Minneapolis has an enclosed skyway system covering 52 blocks, allowing people to live, work, eat, and sleep without ever going outside. The only downside to this is that a Norwegian occasionally turns up missing.

Cartoonist Charles M. Shultz was born in Minneapolis , Minnesota and grew up in St. Paul. He was the only artist to accurately depict the perfectly circular heads of Minnesota natives.

The Hormel Company of Austin , Minnesota produces 6 million cans of Spam a year, even though no one actually eats it. Spam is a prized food in Japan & Hawaii--Spam sushi!!

Minnesota license plates are blue & white and contain the phrase "Blizzards on the 4th of July - you get used to it."

Frank C. Mars, founder of the Mars Candy Co. was born in Newport, Minnesota . His 3 Musketeers candy bar originally contained three bars in one wrapper, each filled with a different flavor of nougat -chocolate, Spam and lutefisk.

Tonka trucks continue to be manufactured in Minnetonka, Minnesota, despite the thousands of GI Joe dolls killed by them annually in rollover accidents. No airbags, no seat belts. These things are deathtraps, I tell ya!

Author Laura Ingalls Wilder was raised at Walnut Grove, Minnesota, and was famous for writing the "Little House" series of books, as well as inventing the "Spam diet" which consists of looking at a plate of Spam until you lose your appetite. Much like the "lutefisk diet"

The snowmobile was invented in Roseau , Minnesota so as to allow families a means of attending 4th of July picnics

Minnesotans are almost indistinguishable from Wisconsinites. The only way to tell them apart is to ask if they voted for Mondale in '84.

Cold is a relative thing ya know....

At 65 degrees, Arizonans turn on the heat. People in Minnesota plant gardens.
At 60, Californians shiver uncontrollably. People in Minnesota sunbathe.
At 50, Italian & English cars won't start. People in Minnesota drive with the windows down..
At 40, Georgians don coats, thermal underwear, gloves, wool hats. People in Minnesota throw on a flannel shirt.
At 35, New York landlords finally turn up the heat. People in Minnesota have the last cookout before it gets cold.
At 20, People in Miami all die. Minnesotans close their windows.
At 0, Californians fly away to Mexico . People in Minnesota get out their winter coats.
At 10 below zero, Hollywood disintegrates. The Girl Scouts in Minnesota are selling cookies door to door.
At 20 below, Washington DC runs out of hot air. (Ya think? Nah.). People in Minnesota let their dogs sleep indoors.
At 30 below, Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. Minnesotans get upset because they can't start the snowmobile.
At 40 below, ALL atomic motion stops. People in Minnesota start saying..."Cold enough for ya, eh?"
At 50 below, heck freezes over. Minnesota public schools will open 2 hours late.
__________________
"Don't take life so serious, son. It ain't nohow permanent." Pogo Possum (Walt Kelly)
Nodak is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-09-2013, 07:41 AM   #3146
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
frayne's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: 19th Hole
Posts: 2,333
One of the funniest things I read today:

"Kate Upton and Mark Sanchez only dated for about 20 minutes, and that was almost a year ago, but that didn?t stop her from mocking him on twitter last night during the BCS Championship game because women are black hearted monsters.

Sanchez of course is the, um, ?quarterback? (for lack of a better word) for the NY Jets, who went 6-10 this season, so as Alabama rolled Notre Dame 42-10, Upton posted the tweet above ['It's okay Notre Dame this happened to the Jets every week.']. Sanchez tried to reply several times, but sent the first few tweets to the wrong model and then dropped his phone."
__________________
Normal is an illusion...what is normal for the spider is chaos for the fly.
frayne is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-10-2013, 03:25 PM   #3147
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
travelover's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2007
Posts: 8,663
Saw this on Facebook:
Attached Images
File Type: jpg Facebook _post.JPG (31.4 KB, 607 views)
__________________
Yes, I have achieved work / life balance.
travelover is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-13-2013, 02:15 PM   #3148
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
David1961's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,013
If Apple made automobiles, would they have Windows?
__________________
David1961 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-19-2013, 01:19 PM   #3149
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
DFW_M5's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2003
Posts: 4,701
Lots of faces like this at my office:

__________________
DFW_M5 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-23-2013, 04:15 PM   #3150
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
mickeyd's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Texas~29N/98W
Posts: 5,695
WORLD'S EASIEST IQ TEST (QUIZ)!

(Passing requires only 3 correct answers out of 10!)

Time yourself

QUESTIONS START HERE:

1) How long did the Hundred Years' War last ?



2) Which country makes Panama hats ?



3) From which animal do we get cat gut ?



4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution ?



5) What is a camel's hair brush made of ?



6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal ?



7) What was King George VI's first name ?



8) What color is a purple finch ?



9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from ?



10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane ?



Remember, you need only 3 correct answers to pass.
Happy Smile!
ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ


1) 116 years, from 1337 to 1453.

2) Ecuador.

3) From sheep and horses.

4) November. The Russian calendar was 13 days behind ours.

5) Squirrel fir.

6) The Latin name was Insularia Canaria - Island of the Dogs.

7) Albert. When he came to the throne in 1936 he respected the wish of Queen Victoria that no future king should ever be
called Albert.

8) Distinctively crimson.

9) New Zealand.

10) Orange
__________________
Part-Owner of Texas

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. Groucho Marx

In dire need of: faster horses, younger woman, older whiskey, more money.
mickeyd is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-23-2013, 05:13 PM   #3151
Recycles dryer sheets
GalaxyBoy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: The Beautiful Blue Ridge Mountains
Posts: 393
Quote:
Originally Posted by David1961 View Post
If Apple made automobiles, would they have Windows?
We do know they would have no Flash.
__________________
GalaxyBoy is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-24-2013, 01:51 PM   #3152
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
brewer12345's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2003
Posts: 15,917
.
Attached Images
File Type: jpg Gothapotamus_zps08e911dd.jpg (42.8 KB, 36 views)
__________________
"Neither my companion or I carry firearms on our persons. We depend on the goodwill of our fellow man and the forbearance of reptiles."


- English Bob
brewer12345 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-24-2013, 04:26 PM   #3153
Recycles dryer sheets
Richard4444's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: South Florida
Posts: 352
A dog lover, whose dog was a female and in heat, agreed to look after her neighbours' male dog while the neighbours were on vacation. She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate.

Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice. She explained the problem to him, and the vet said,

"Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing should make the male lose his erection and he will withdraw."

"Do you think that will work?" she asked.

"It just worked for me," he replied.
__________________
Richard4444 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-26-2013, 05:38 AM   #3154
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Nemo2's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Belleville, ONT
Posts: 2,567
__________________
"Exit, pursued by a bear."

The Winter's Tale, William Shakespeare
Nemo2 is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 01-27-2013, 06:45 AM   #3155
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Nemo2's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Belleville, ONT
Posts: 2,567
__________________
"Exit, pursued by a bear."

The Winter's Tale, William Shakespeare
Nemo2 is online now   Reply With Quote
Christmas Hangover
Old 02-01-2013, 05:07 PM   #3156
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
DFW_M5's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2003
Posts: 4,701
Christmas Hangover

Make sure to read story at bottom…

TheGreat.jpg (98.04 KiB) Viewed 160 times



"Good news is that I truly out did myself this year with my Christmas decorations. The bad news is that I had to take him down after 2 days. I had more people come screaming up to my house than ever.Great stories. But two things made me take it down.

First, the cops advised me that it would cause traffic accidents as they almost wrecked when they drove by.

Second, a 55 year old lady grabbed the 75 pound ladder almost killed herself putting it against my house and didn't realize he was fake until she climbed to the top (she was not happy). By the way, she was one of many people who attempted to do that. My yard couldn't take it either. I have more than a few tire tracks where people literally drove up my yard."
__________________
DFW_M5 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-07-2013, 12:11 AM   #3157
Recycles dryer sheets
Sweetlip's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2002
Posts: 65
'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior .. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'

'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer beforeI devoted my life to Christ.'

'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed. 'So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?'

'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!'

'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. 'You must tell me all about it!'

'Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother Superior -540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dog leg left and a hidden green....and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made.

And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight !'

'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!'

'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister. 'While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!'

'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the Mother.





'ButI didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister. 'And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!'






'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile.





'Nope,that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as
the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!'

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...










'You missed the f*$!*n' putt, didn't you?
__________________
Sweetlip is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-14-2013, 07:19 AM   #3158
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Htown Harry's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2007
Posts: 1,508
I heard this one listening to sports talk radio and nearly crashed when they got to the punchline.

Caution: locker room humor...

Urban Meyer tells the horrifying legend of Woody Hayes' turtle - SBNation.com

Quote:
'I'm going to show you toughness.'
__________________
Htown Harry is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-15-2013, 07:30 PM   #3159
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
David1961's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,013
A young man recently joined a gym and noticed many very attractive ladies who were members. He asked his coach what machine he should use to impress these ladies the most. The coach said the ATM machine.
__________________
David1961 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-17-2013, 10:33 AM   #3160
Recycles dryer sheets
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
Posts: 350
Ha!
Attached Images
File Type: jpg baconseed.jpg (19.5 KB, 23 views)
__________________

__________________
tinlizzy is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
A new low - this has got to be a joke Cool Dood FIRE and Money 9 07-11-2006 05:05 PM
Funny Joke Friday. Cut-Throat Other topics 1 07-07-2006 04:48 PM
Funny Car Ad TromboneAl Other topics 2 07-01-2005 09:21 PM

 

 
All times are GMT -6. The time now is 04:28 AM.
 
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.8 Beta 1
Copyright ©2000 - 2016, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.