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Old 02-18-2013, 07:03 AM   #3161
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1. When I was born, I was given a choice - a big penis or a good memory....
I don't remember what I chose.

2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

4. Impotence: nature's way of saying, "No hard feelings..."

5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and
'stop', unless they are used together.

6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.

7. There are three stages in a man's life: Tri-Weekly, Try Weekly and Try
Weakly.

8. Virginity can be cured.

9. Virginity is not dignity, it's lack of opportunity.

10. Having sex is like playing bridge - if you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dial were too small.

12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

13. Question: What's an Australian kiss?
Answer: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing.

15. Question: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man's life?
Answer: Life sucks, job sucks and the wife doesn't.

16. Question: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Answer: Breasts don't have eyes.

17. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed,' many men still sleep with their wives!



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Old 02-18-2013, 11:22 AM   #3162
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From my wife:

Men are like ceramic tiles, lay them right the first time and you can walk on them forever.
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Old 02-18-2013, 08:46 PM   #3163
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From my wife:

Men are like ceramic tiles, lay them right the first time and you can walk on them forever.
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Old 02-18-2013, 09:52 PM   #3164
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From something DH reads:

"High School Reunion

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, "Surely I can't look that old"?

My name is Alice, and I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his DDS diploma on the wall, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30-odd years ago.

Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?

Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.

After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High School.

"Yes. Yes, I did. I'm a Mustang," he gleamed with pride.

"When did you graduate?" I asked.

He answered, "In 1975. Why do you ask?"

"You were in my class!" I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely.

Then that ugly, old, bald, wrinkle-faced, fat-a$$ed, gray-haired, decrepit SOB asked me:

"What did you teach?"
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Old 02-21-2013, 05:38 PM   #3165
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Old 02-21-2013, 06:19 PM   #3166
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Snow update---- Just got off the phone with a friend who lives in Northern Tip of Newfoundland. He said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling. The temperature is dropping way below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force. His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare. He says that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.
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Old 02-23-2013, 05:53 PM   #3167
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Old 02-27-2013, 05:24 PM   #3168
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The newlyweds arrive at the hotel, and the girl tells her husband, "Honey, I know nothing of this. Can you help me, please..??"

"I will honey. Starting from this instant, we will call your thing the prison and my thing, we'll call the prisoner. So, we will put the prisoner in the prison."

And they throw down the first one.

The guy is laying face up on the bed. The girl was delighted and tells her husband, "Love, the prisoner is outside the prison..!!"

The guy, tired but very delighted tells her, "Let's put him into the prison another time..!!"

After the second time, the girl is very happy and she tells him, "Honey..!! The prisoner is out again..!!"

The man rises, and they throw down the third.

He is on the bed, exhausted, and the girl says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again..!!"

And he answers, "HEY..!! It's not life imprisonment..!!"
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Old 03-17-2013, 08:12 PM   #3169
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In honor of Saint Patrick's Day:

An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. Inside he finds a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On one wall there's a row of decanters with fine Irish Whiskey and Waterford crystal glasses. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates. Then the Priest comes in. "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be." The Priest replies: "Get out, you moron, you're on my side."
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Old 03-19-2013, 11:26 AM   #3170
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spring is coming
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Old 03-19-2013, 02:13 PM   #3171
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From AvWeb

Heard on the tower frequency at an airport that will remain undisclosed to protect the innocent:

Cessna 12345:
"Tower can you have regional jet ABC meet us on Unicom freqency for a personal message?"

Jet ABC:
"Tower, tell the Cessna we are a professional crew on a schedule and we don't have time for idle chit chat."

Cessna 12345:
"O.K. Tower, you may want to tell that professional crew they left the landing-gear lock pin in the nose gear. Have a nice day!"


Larry Cosby
via e-mail
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Old 03-23-2013, 12:33 PM   #3172
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Spring is here
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Old 03-23-2013, 02:22 PM   #3173
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Ted Nugent was being interviewed by a French journalist and animal rights activist. The discussion came around to deer hunting. The journalist asked, "What do you think is the last thought in the head of a deer before you shoot him? Is it, 'Are you my friend?' or is it 'Are you the one that killed my brother?' "

Nugent replied, "Deer aren't capable of that kind of thinking. All they care about is, 'What am I going to eat next, who am I going to screw next, and can I run fast enough to get away. They are very much like the French.' "
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Old 03-23-2013, 02:38 PM   #3174
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I happen to know two multimillionaires who are both elderly now, and this group might like a funny story from each, so here goes....

MB#1 When someone asks him for his business card he asks " if I don't give you my card, will you forget me?

MB#2. Every year he attends an annual reunion of childhood friends that are now in their late 80's & 90's . He said for years the reunion had fewer and fewer attendees, but recently the number has been growing. I ask him how that could be and he said; I count the nurses who push the wheel chairs too.
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Old 03-23-2013, 02:42 PM   #3175
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Quote:
Originally Posted by frayne View Post
Ted Nugent was being interviewed by a French journalist and animal rights activist. The discussion came around to deer hunting. The journalist asked, "What do you think is the last thought in the head of a deer before you shoot him? Is it, 'Are you my friend?' or is it 'Are you the one that killed my brother?' "

Nugent replied, "Deer aren't capable of that kind of thinking. All they care about is, 'What am I going to eat next, who am I going to screw next, and can I run fast enough to get away. They are very much like the French.' "
Nugent also said that if Obama was reelected he would be in jail or dead. I'd be happy with either outcome, but he seems not to be man of his word.

Ted Nugent Declares 'I Will Either Be Dead or in Jail' if Obama Is Re-elected - Speakeasy - WSJ
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Old 03-23-2013, 03:03 PM   #3176
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Nugent also said that if Obama was reelected he would be in jail or dead. I'd be happy with either outcome, but he seems not to be man of his word.

Ted Nugent Declares 'I Will Either Be Dead or in Jail' if Obama Is Re-elected - Speakeasy - WSJ
Not a Nugent fan either in light of how he dodged the draft but I did think his response to the French journalist was funny.
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what do you do since you retired?
Old 03-25-2013, 02:12 PM   #3177
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what do you do since you retired?

I am my wife's sexual advisor."
"What do you mean by that?"
"My wife told me that when she wants my ****ing advice she'll ask for t.
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Fred & Fiona
Old 03-25-2013, 04:11 PM   #3178
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Fred & Fiona

Fred and Fiona were making passionate love in Fred's Transit van when suddenly Fiona ( being a bit on the kinky side) yells out: "Oh, fat boy, whip me, whip me!"

Fred, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips to hand, but in a flash of inspiration, opened the window, snaps the antenna off his van and proceeds to whip Fiona until they both collapse in sado-masochistic ecstasy.

About a week later, Fiona notices that the marks left by the whipping session are not healing and starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor.

The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks: "Did you get these marks having sex?"

Fiona a little too embarrassed that she had even had sex with Fred let alone allowed him to indulge in her own kinky desires, eventually admits that, "Yes, I did."

Nodding his head knowingly, the doctor exclaims: "I thought so, because in all my years as a doctor, you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen."
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Old 03-25-2013, 06:17 PM   #3179
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Alan View Post
Fred and Fiona were making passionate love in Fred's Transit van when suddenly Fiona ( being a bit on the kinky side) yells out: "Oh, fat boy, whip me, whip me!"

Fred, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips to hand, but in a flash of inspiration, opened the window, snaps the antenna off his van and proceeds to whip Fiona until they both collapse in sado-masochistic ecstasy.

About a week later, Fiona notices that the marks left by the whipping session are not healing and starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor.

The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks: "Did you get these marks having sex?"

Fiona a little too embarrassed that she had even had sex with Fred let alone allowed him to indulge in her own kinky desires, eventually admits that, "Yes, I did."

Nodding his head knowingly, the doctor exclaims: "I thought so, because in all my years as a doctor, you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen."
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Old 03-26-2013, 11:17 PM   #3180
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Gates wants geeks to build a better condom - CNN.com

A new condom from Microsoft. Feel feel to come up with your own joke.
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