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Old 04-19-2013, 03:24 PM   #3201
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Old 04-21-2013, 03:05 PM   #3202
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When I bought my IPhone, I thought about the 30-year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a cell phone that plays music, takes videos, pictures and communicates with Facebook and Twitter. I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, my 13 grand kids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space. My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.

The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth phone, (it's red,) I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife and everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. I had to take my hearing aidout to use it, and I got a little loud.

I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside that gadget was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-u-lating." You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then if I made a right turn instead, well, it was not a good relationship. When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.

To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how I lose three phones all at once and have to run around digging under chair cushions, checking bathrooms, and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.

The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them with me.

Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual." Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look. I was recently asked if I tweet. I answered, No, but I do fart a lot."
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Old 04-27-2013, 05:08 PM   #3203
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A newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from sex for an entire month."

The couple agreed and, after two-and- a-half weeks, returned to the church.

When the Pastor ushered them into his office, the wife was crying, and the husband obviously was very depressed. "You are back so soon... Is there a problem?" the pastor inquired.

"We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month," the young man replied sadly.

The pastor asked him what happened. "Well, the first week was difficult; however, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain. The third week, however, was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible, or anything to keep our minds free of carnal thoughts. But one afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I noticed that she didn't have panties on, and I was overcome with lust, and I had my way with her, right then and there," admitted the man, shamefacedly.

"You understand this means you will not be welcome into our church," stated the pastor.

"We know," said the young man, hanging his head. "We're not welcome at Home Depot anymore either."
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Old 05-02-2013, 10:42 AM   #3204
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This cannot possibly be real: Scribd

"THE CASE OF THE ITSY BITSY TEENY WEENY BIKINI TOP VS. THE (MORE) ITSY BITSY TEENIE WEENIE PASTY"
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Old 05-02-2013, 01:00 PM   #3205
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Quote:
Originally Posted by brewer12345 View Post
This cannot possibly be real: Scribd

"THE CASE OF THE ITSY BITSY TEENY WEENY BIKINI TOP VS. THE (MORE) ITSY BITSY TEENIE WEENIE PASTY"
How come I don't get cases like this when I'm called for jury duty?
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Old 05-02-2013, 02:55 PM   #3206
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A man's wife told him to go out and get some of those pills that would help him get an erection. When he came back, he handed her some diet pills.
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Old 05-04-2013, 08:04 PM   #3207
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Old 05-06-2013, 02:55 PM   #3208
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A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and
spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me,
can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I
don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering
approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees
north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist. "I am," replied the woman,
"How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is, technically
correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact
is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything,
you've delayed my trip."

The woman below responded, "You must be in Management." "I am," replied
the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're
going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air.
You made a promise which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people
beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same
position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."
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Old 05-06-2013, 03:37 PM   #3209
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Quote:
Originally Posted by brewer12345 View Post
This cannot possibly be real: Scribd

"THE CASE OF THE ITSY BITSY TEENY WEENY BIKINI TOP VS. THE (MORE) ITSY BITSY TEENIE WEENIE PASTY"
Apparently it may be.
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Old 05-08-2013, 05:40 PM   #3210
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
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Top Ten Country & Western Songs

10. I Hate Every Bone in Her Body But Mine

9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed with an Ugly Woman But I Woke Up With A Few

8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me

7. I've missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'

6. Wouldn't Take Her to A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win

5. I'm So Miserable without You It’s like You're Still Here

4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend and I Miss Him

3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger

2. I've got tears in my ears from lying on my back, cryin' over you

And the Number One Country & Western song is ...

1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My A$$ All Day.
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Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. Groucho Marx

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Old 05-11-2013, 07:54 AM   #3211
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Adviser since retirement...

Someone asked me what I do since I have retired...Do I have a job?

I replied, “I am my wife's sexual advisor."

Somewhat shocked, they said,
"I beg your pardon, but what do you mean by that?"


"Very simple. My wife told me that when she wants my f*@%ing advice,
she'll ask me for it.”
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Old 05-11-2013, 07:00 PM   #3212
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Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe. "I want to get weighed," she said. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 130 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 110 and she won a prize.

Next the couple went on the Ferris Wheel.... When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she said. Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar.

The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded. By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.

Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?" Kim responded, "Oh, Wauwa, it was wousy."
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Old 05-12-2013, 01:47 PM   #3213
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Old 05-12-2013, 03:53 PM   #3214
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You know that tingling feeling you get when you meet that "special person"? It's your common sense leaving your body.
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Old 05-20-2013, 08:20 PM   #3215
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SERVICE

This email made everything clear to me! I hope it helps you also!
I became confused when I heard the word "Service"used with these agencies:

Internal Revenue
'Service'
U.S. Postal 'Service'
Telephone 'Service'
Cable TV 'Service'
Civil
'Service'
State, City, County & Public 'Service'
Customer 'Service'

This is not what I thought
'Service' meant.

But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to
'Service' a few cows.
BAM!!! It all came into focus. Now I understand what all these agencies are doing to us.

I hope that you are now just as enlightened as I am.
















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Old 05-28-2013, 11:03 AM   #3216
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Some thoughts from Stephen Wright
1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

3 - Half the people you know are below average.

4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.

9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.

10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend,... but she left me before we met.

12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18 - Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

19 - I intend to live forever.... so far, so good.

20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you ever tried.

26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

34 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work ?
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Old 05-28-2013, 11:23 AM   #3217
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34. Sure. light squared
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Old 05-28-2013, 11:51 AM   #3218
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3. Actually, that's not true. Half the people you know are below the median.
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Old 05-28-2013, 12:09 PM   #3219
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Nearly all the other drivers on the road are below the mean.
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Old 05-28-2013, 01:30 PM   #3220
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Nearly all the other drivers on the road are below the mean.
...and some are just mean.
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