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Old 05-31-2013, 01:37 PM   #3221
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Old 06-03-2013, 05:24 PM   #3222
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An Irish Toast

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest
of me Life between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night !

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best
toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church
beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the
street Corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the
prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You
know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. "Once I
had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he
fell asleep".
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Old 06-08-2013, 11:27 AM   #3223
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This is no joke!

If a psychic has to cancel his show due to unforeseen circumstances, how good can he really be?

Derek Acorah | ON at Fife
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Old 06-08-2013, 01:37 PM   #3224
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Meadbh View Post
If a psychic has to cancel his show due to unforeseen circumstances, how god can he really be?
A demigod perhaps, but definitely not a god...
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Old 06-08-2013, 01:43 PM   #3225
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A demigod perhaps, but definitely not a god...
LOL! I fixed my typo.
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Old 06-20-2013, 10:13 AM   #3226
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Old 06-26-2013, 07:52 AM   #3227
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...not doing anything of true substance...
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Old 06-27-2013, 06:22 PM   #3228
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Old 06-30-2013, 01:36 PM   #3229
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Q: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They use them as controls in double blind trials.

Q: How many academics does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. That is what their students are for. (from Philip Clarke in New Scientist)

A: Five: One to write the grant proposal, one to do the mathematical modeling, one to type the research paper, one to submit the paper for publishing, and one to hire a student to do the work.

Q: How many laboratory heads (senior researchers, etc.) does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Five; one to change the lightbulb, the other four to stand around arguing whether he/she is taking the right approach.

Q: How many research technicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, but it'll probably take him/her three or four tries to get it right.

Q: How many post-doctoral fellows does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, but it'll probably take three or four tries to get it right because he/she will probably give it to the technician to do.

Q: How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to get it done.
A: It all depends on the size of the grant.
A: Two and a professor to take credit.
A: 1/100. A graduate student needs to change 100 lightbulbs a day.
A: I don't know, but make my stipend tax-free, give my adviser a $100,000 grant of the taxpayer's money, and I'm sure he can tell me how to do the work for him so he can take the credit for answering this incredibly vital question.
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Old 06-30-2013, 01:41 PM   #3230
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What is the difference between a war story and a fairy tale?

One begins~"Once upon a time..." and the other begins "This ain't no Bull s**t..."
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Old 06-30-2013, 02:08 PM   #3231
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"Why Men Shouldn't Write Advice Columns".

Dear John:
Hope you can help me. The other day, I set off for work, leaving my husband home watching TV. My car stalled, and then brokie down completely about a mile down the road. I had to walk back to get my husbands help. When I got home I found him in bed with our neighbor's daughter. I confronted them, my husband broke down and admitted they have been having an affair for six months. He refuses to go to counseling. I am broken hearted and a mental wreck. Can you please help me?
Mary

Dear Mary:
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start be checking for debris in the fuel line. If clear check the vacuum lines and hoses on the intake manifold. Also check all ground wires. If these checks don't solve your problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is defective causing low pressure to the injectors. I hope this helps.
John
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Old 06-30-2013, 03:58 PM   #3232
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Heisenberg and Schrodinger are out riding in a car, when they are pulled over by a police officer.

Heisenberg is in the driver's seat. The officer asks "Do you know how fast you were going?" Heisenberg replies, "No, but I know exactly where I am!" The officer looks at him confused and says "You were going exactly 108 miles per hour!" Heisenberg throws his arms up and cries, "Great! Now I'm lost!"

The officer, now more confused and frustrated orders the men outside of the car, and proceeds to inspect the vehicle. He opens the trunk and yells at the two men, "Hey! Did you guys know you have a dead cat back here?" Schrodinger angrily yells back, "We do now, damnit!"


(If you MUST know... http://www.aip.org/history/heisenberg/p08.htm and http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Schrödinger's_cat )
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Old 06-30-2013, 07:25 PM   #3233
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Truly Foul!!!
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Old 06-30-2013, 07:28 PM   #3234
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Heisenberg and Schrodinger are out riding in a car, when they are pulled over by a police officer.
Just a WAG, but I'm guessing you didn't study liberal arts...
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Old 07-08-2013, 08:15 AM   #3235
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100% of men will not see king kong in the picture Well, at least I didn't
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Old 07-08-2013, 09:13 AM   #3236
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100% of men will not see king kong in the picture Well, at least I didn't
That 100% seems kind of low.
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Old 07-08-2013, 10:14 AM   #3237
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That 100% seems kind of low.
+1
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Old 07-09-2013, 06:35 AM   #3238
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A man brings his best buddy home for dinner, unannounced, at 5:30 after work. His wife screams at him as his friend listens in. "My hair & makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I'm still in my pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! Why in the world did you bring him home?


"Because he's thinking of getting married...."
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Old 07-09-2013, 07:57 AM   #3239
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Very clever and creative photoshopping...


Celebrity Make Unders – What Would Celebrities Look Like If They Were Everyday People? (16 Pics) | Loffee
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Old 07-09-2013, 03:56 PM   #3240
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Florida biker bar...
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