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Old 07-09-2013, 04:10 PM   #3241
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Florida biker bar...
Brings back a memory. Before we moved to Florida I flew down with DD #2, to look at a University. Some new additions to the extended family recommended a club for after dinner entertainment. Words used were "great bar", "rocking music", "dance floor" and "lots of singles" and so on. We went after dinner. Inside was dark, with neon lights, and carpet on the floor straight out of the 50's. First thing we saw - 3 walkers lined up next to a long hand rail. And they were playing Tony Bennett on a radio. We were easily less than 1/2 the average age there. The "singles' comment was the only one that was legit. We didn't stay.

I bet your photo caption is true
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Old 07-09-2013, 08:21 PM   #3242
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I pointed to two old drunks across the bar from us and told my friend Ace,
ATT00001.jpg
"That'll be us in ten years."
He turned to me and said, "That's a mirror, you dumb s%$t."
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Old 07-11-2013, 12:10 AM   #3243
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I know a lot of you guys love shots of airplanes.

Thanks, that was a beautiful sight! It moved me deeply!
For all you military plane lovers out there, here's an
amazing shot of a C-17 on final approach.

http://www.c141heaven.info/dotcom/globemaster.php
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Old 07-11-2013, 07:39 AM   #3244
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jags View Post
I know a lot of you guys love shots of airplanes.

Thanks, that was a beautiful sight! It moved me deeply!
For all you military plane lovers out there, here's an
amazing shot of a C-17 on final approach.

http://www.c141heaven.info/dotcom/globemaster.php
I did see a full moon and a whale tail but no plane, what's with that ?
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Old 07-11-2013, 07:50 AM   #3245
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Yeah, I didn't see any airplanes either.
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Old 07-11-2013, 05:36 PM   #3246
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A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife."

"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.

"Type?" inquires the man, "Is there more than one type?"

"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable.

"Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to chose from."

Relieved, the man asked about the types.

The saleslady replied, "There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?"

Now befuddled, the man asked about the difference between them.

The saleslady responded, "It is really quite simple.

The Catholic type supports the masses.

The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen.

The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright,

and

The Baptist type makes mountains out of molehills."
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Old 07-12-2013, 03:30 PM   #3247
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I am not sure how this slipped past the censors, but this is the current cover of BusinessWeek:
Attached Images
File Type: jpg iuCYq3LUkDE4.jpg (24.9 KB, 44 views)
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Old 07-12-2013, 05:12 PM   #3248
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Banjo player jokes:


A banjo player calls a pharmacy and asks if she needs an infant scale to weigh a baby. The clerk explains that many women figure out an infant's weight by weighing themselves while holding the baby on an adult scale, then the mother weighs herself alone and subtracts the second amount from the first. "Oh, that won't work," replies the banjo player. "I'm not the mother -- I'm the aunt."
----

A banjo player went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.
"Sorry, we don't sell to banjo players," he replied.

The banjo player was very angry about this. She hurried home and dropped off her banjo, picked up her guitar case, then came back and again told the salesman, "I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to banjo players," he replied.

The banjo player didn't know how the salesman had recognized her but she was determined. She put on a business suit, got a nice Gucci briefcase, got a new hair do and new "smart looking glasses. She then waited a few days before she approached the salesman.
"I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to banjo players," he replied.

Frustrated, she exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a banjo player?"
"Because that's a microwave," he replied.
---

A banjo player suspects her lover of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly, opens the door and, sure enough, finds him in the arms of a bassist. The banjo player is furious. She opens her purse to take out the gun but as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She turns the gun and aims it at her head. The boyfriend yells "No, honey, don't do it." The banjo player replies "Shut up. You're next, you bastard."
----

A young guitar player goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it. "Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."

She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so it goes on, everywhere she touches makes her scream.

The doctor says, "You're not really a guitar player, are you?"
She says, "No, I'm really a banjo player."

"I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken."
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Old 07-12-2013, 08:27 PM   #3249
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A scientific expedition disembarks from its plane at the final outpost of civilization in the deepest Amazon rain forest. They immediately notice the ceaseless thrumming of native drums. As they venture further into the bush, the drums never stop, day or night, for weeks.

The lead scientist asks one of the natives about this, and the native's only reply is "Drums good. Drums never stop. Very BAD if drums stop."
The drumming continues, night and day, until one night, six weeks into the trip, when the jungle is suddenly silent. Immediately the natives run screaming from their huts, covering their ears. The scientists grab one boy and demand "What is it? The drums have stopped!"
The terror-stricken youth replies "Yes! Drums stop! VERY BAD!"
The scientists ask "Why? Why? What will happen?"
Wild-eyed, the boy responds,







" . . . BASS SOLO!!!" -
~~~ ~~~ ~~~ ~~~
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Old 07-13-2013, 08:10 PM   #3250
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A COUPLE OF GOOD ONES Good ones.........
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Old 07-18-2013, 09:12 AM   #3251
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For those of you who hate averages...

A physicist, an astronomer and a statistician went on a hunting trip. They see a buck off in the distance. The physicist takes the first shot and misses 5 feet to the left. Next, the astronomer takes a shot and misses 5 feet to the right. The statistician gleefully shouts "WE GOT HIM!!!!"
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Old 07-18-2013, 09:52 AM   #3252
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Quote:
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I am not sure how this slipped past the censors, but this is the current cover of BusinessWeek:
Hilarious!
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Old 07-19-2013, 02:40 PM   #3253
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A Virginia State trooper pulled a car over on I-64 about 2 miles south of the Virginia/ West Virginia Stateline. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Beckley WV to do a show at the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late.

The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.

The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him.

While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunken good old boy from West Virginia got out, watched the performance, then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper observed him and went over to the patrol car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, “You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there ain't no way I can pass that test.”
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Old 07-21-2013, 11:38 PM   #3254
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A couple of months ago there was a knock on our door. It was about 3am, and I had worked until midnight, so I took my time getting there. I turned on the porch light, and saw a young fellow standing there.
"What do you want at this time of night?" I ask.
"I need a push," he said.
I told him, "listen here. I have had about two hours of sleep. You should learn to be more careful. If you haven't found any help by morning, I'll give you a hand. But I'm going back to bed."
I closed the door, turned off the light and went back to bed. My DW ask, "who was it?"
"I don't know. Some young fellow."
"Well, what did he want?"
"A push," I said.
She said, "Larro, what are our neighbors going to think if they hear someone came here for help and we turned them away? Get dressed and go help that young man."
Doing as I was bid, I put on a robe and some slippers and went back to the door. When I turned on the porch light, the fellow wasn't there. I yelled, "hey guy, are you still here?"
"Yea, I'm here."
"Are you still needing a push?"
"Yea."
"Well, where are you?"
"Over here, by the swing."
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Old 07-22-2013, 05:51 AM   #3255
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A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see his bed was made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope. propped up prominently on the pillow and it was addressed to "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But, I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes, and the fact she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Dad, she's pregnant. Stacy said we will be very happy. She owns a trailer, in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people living nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime, we will pray science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we will be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Love, Your Son John.

P.S.: Dad, none of the above is true.... I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you there are worse things in life than the Report Card that's in my center desk drawer.
I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home.
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Old 07-23-2013, 01:42 PM   #3256
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My gal forwarded me this, so for your pleasure:

When I was a child in the 1960s the bathing suit for the mature figure was-boned, trussed and reinforced, not so much sewn as
engineered. They were built to hold back and uplift, and they did a good job.
Today's stretch fabrics are designed for the prepubescent girl with a
figure carved from a potato chip.
The mature woman has a choice: she can either go up front to the
maternity department and try on a floral suit with a skirt, coming
away looking like a hippopotamus that escaped from Disney's Fantasia,
or she can wander around every run-of-the-mill department store
trying to make a sensible choice from what amounts to a designer
range of fluorescent rubber bands.

What choice did I have? I wandered around, made my sensible choice
and entered the chamber of horrors known as the fitting room. The
first thing I noticed was the extraordinary tensile strength of the
stretch material. The Lycra used in bathing costumes was developed, I
believe, by NASA to launch small rockets from a slingshot, which
gives the added bonus that if you manage to actually lever yourself
into one, you would be protected from shark attacks. Any shark taking
a swipe at your passing midriff would immediately suffer whiplash.

I fought my way into the bathing suit, but as I twanged the shoulder
strap in place I gasped in horror, my boobs had disappeared!
Eventually, I found one boob cowering under my left armpit. It took a
while to find the other. At last I located it flattened beside my
seventh rib.
The problem is that modern bathing suits have no bra cups. The mature
woman is now meant to wear her boobs spread across her chest like a
speed bump. I realigned my speed bump and lurched toward the mirror
to take a full view assessment.
The bathing suit fit all right, but unfortunately it only fitted
those bits of me willing to stay inside it. The rest of me oozed out
rebelliously from top, bottom and sides. I looked like a lump of
Playdoh wearing undersized cling wrap.

As I tried to work out where all those extra bits had come from, the
prepubescent sales girl popped her head through the curtain, "Oh,
there you are," she said, admiring the bathing suit.
I replied that I wasn't so sure and asked what else she had to show
me. I tried on a cream crinkled one that made me look like a lump of
masking tape, and a floral two-piece that gave the appearance of an
oversized napkin in a serving ring.

I struggled into a pair of leopard-skin bathers with ragged frills
and came out looking like Tarzan's Jane, pregnant with triplets and
having a rough day.

I tried on a black number with a midriff fringe and looked like a
jellyfish in mourning.

I tried on a bright pink pair with such a high cut leg I thought I
would have to wax my eyebrows to wear them.

Finally, I found a suit that fit, it was a two-piece affair with a
shorts-style bottom and a loose blouse-type top. It was cheap,
comfortable, and bulge-friendly, so I bought it. My ridiculous search
had a successful outcome, I figured.

When I got it home, I found a label that read, " Material might become
transparent in water."

So, if you happen to be on the beach or near any other body of water
this year and I'm there too, I'll be the one in cut-off jeans and a
T-shirt!
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Old 07-23-2013, 08:31 PM   #3257
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Source:
https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?f...type=1&theater
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Old 08-07-2013, 11:22 AM   #3258
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Old 08-08-2013, 07:02 AM   #3259
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You can't make this stuff up:

Man saves dog from sinking ship, then goes back for wife
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Old 08-08-2013, 09:32 AM   #3260
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Have you heard about the new social media called "Twatter". Old people can leave short grumpy messages to folks they don't like.
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