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Old 09-01-2013, 03:38 PM   #3281
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The Onion
By Meredith Artley, Managing Editor Of CNN.com
CNN: Let Me Explain Why Miley Cyrus’ VMA Performance Was Our Top Story...
Aug. 26, 2013 -- ...It was an attempt to get you to click on CNN.com so that we could drive up our web traffic, which in turn would allow us to increase our advertising revenue.
There was nothing, and I mean nothing, about that story that related to the important news of the day, the chronicling of significant human events, or the idea that journalism itself can be a force for positive change in the world. For Christ’s sake, there was an accompanying story with the headline “Miley’s Shocking Moves.”... STORY
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Old 09-01-2013, 05:46 PM   #3282
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Old 09-03-2013, 05:37 PM   #3283
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An older couple finally learned how to send and receive texts on their cell phones.
The wife, being a romantic at heart, decided one day that she'd send her husband a text while she was out of the house having coffee with a friend.



She texted:
If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking, send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears.
I love you.

The husband, being a no-nonsense sort of guy, texted back:
I'm on the toilet. Please advise.
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Old 09-03-2013, 11:07 PM   #3284
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A magician works on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week, so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem. The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. After that, he started shouting in the middle of the show "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table," or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician is furious, but he couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot. One night, there is a terrible explosion. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea. He looks around and sees a single lifeboat is all that’s left of the cruise ship. He swims for it and climbs aboard and finds, as fate would have it, the parrot.

They glared at each other with hatred, one in the bow and the other in the stern, but did not utter a single word. This went on for a day and then another and then another.

Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not take anymore and says,
"OK, I give up. Where's the ****ing ship?"
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A Government Fairy Tale
Old 09-04-2013, 12:35 PM   #3285
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A Government Fairy Tale

Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert.
Congress said “someone might steal from it at night.” So they created a night watchman position GS 4 with an annual salary of about $26,000 and hired a person for the job.

Then Congress said, “How does the watchman do his job without instruction?” So they created a planning department and hired two GS 7 employees at annual salaries of about $36,000 for a total of $72,000.

Then Congress said, “How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?” So they created a Supervisor GS 9 position and a Self Inspection Division and hired an auditor GS 9 at an annual salary of about $44,000 each for a total of $88,000.

Then Congress said, “How are these people going to get paid?” So that created a Payroll Division and hired a GS 7 Timekeeper and a GS 9 payroll officer at a total annual cost of $80,000.

Then Congress said, “Who will be accountable for all these people?” So they created an Administration Division and hired a GS 12 Chief Administrator at an annual salary of about $64,000, a GS 11 Administration Officer at an annual salary of about $53,000 and a GS 9 Secretary for a total annual cost of $161,000.

Congress decided to allocate an annual budget of $427,000 to cover salaries and $73,000 operating expenses for the newly created Department of Asset Security.

After the first year all the employees received a step increase and a 3.0% cost of living allowance which brought the annual salary cost to $527,000.

Congress said, “We have had this agency in operation for one year and we are $27,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost.

So they fired the night watchman.

In order to maintain security at the scrap yard, the agency contracted with a private security company to provide a night watchman for $100 per day. This was possible since congress funded the contract under a special procurement provision that was attached to the annual appropriations legislation for the department.

The security company hired a former government employee for the job and paid him an annual salary of $27,500.

The security company made a profit of $9000 per year.

The tax payers paid $536,500.00 per year to keep a pile of junk from being stolen.
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Old 09-04-2013, 01:23 PM   #3286
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That isn't funny, Chief.
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Old 09-04-2013, 01:34 PM   #3287
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Keim View Post
That isn't funny, Chief.
What is comedy?

Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making them puke.

Steve Martin
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Old 09-04-2013, 01:37 PM   #3288
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Quote:
Originally Posted by chief04010 View Post
Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert.
Congress said “someone might steal from it at night.” So they created a night watchman position GS 4 with an annual salary of about $26,000 and hired a person for the job.

Then Congress said, “How does the watchman do his job without instruction?” So they created a planning department and hired two GS 7 employees at annual salaries of about $36,000 for a total of $72,000.

Then Congress said, “How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?” So they created a Supervisor GS 9 position and a Self Inspection Division and hired an auditor GS 9 at an annual salary of about $44,000 each for a total of $88,000.

Then Congress said, “How are these people going to get paid?” So that created a Payroll Division and hired a GS 7 Timekeeper and a GS 9 payroll officer at a total annual cost of $80,000.

Then Congress said, “Who will be accountable for all these people?” So they created an Administration Division and hired a GS 12 Chief Administrator at an annual salary of about $64,000, a GS 11 Administration Officer at an annual salary of about $53,000 and a GS 9 Secretary for a total annual cost of $161,000.

Congress decided to allocate an annual budget of $427,000 to cover salaries and $73,000 operating expenses for the newly created Department of Asset Security.

After the first year all the employees received a step increase and a 3.0% cost of living allowance which brought the annual salary cost to $527,000.

Congress said, “We have had this agency in operation for one year and we are $27,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost.

So they fired the night watchman.

In order to maintain security at the scrap yard, the agency contracted with a private security company to provide a night watchman for $100 per day. This was possible since congress funded the contract under a special procurement provision that was attached to the annual appropriations legislation for the department.

The security company hired a former government employee for the job and paid him an annual salary of $27,500.

The security company made a profit of $9000 per year.

The tax payers paid $536,500.00 per year to keep a pile of junk from being stolen.
Dr. Suess had this one covered many years ago:
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Funny or not
Old 09-04-2013, 03:06 PM   #3289
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Funny or not

Quote:
Originally Posted by Keim View Post
That isn't funny, Chief.
Maybe not, but I'm sure someone is laughing.
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Beer and cucumbers
Old 09-04-2013, 03:27 PM   #3290
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Beer and cucumbers

For the guys, Why beer is better than women:



1. You can enjoy a beer all night long.
2. Beer stains wash out.
3. You don't have to wine and dine beer.
4. A beer will wait in the car while you go and play football.
5. When your beer goes flat, you toss it out.
6. Beer is never late.
7. A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.
8. Hangovers go away.
9. Beer labels come off without a fight.
10. When you go to a bar, you can always pick up a beer.
11. Beer never has a headache.
12. After you've had a beer, the bottle is still worth 5 cents.
13. A beer won't get upset if you come home and have another beer.
14. If you pour a beer right, you'll always get good head.
15. A beer goes down easy.
16. You can have more than one beer in a night and not feel guilty.
17. You can share a beer with your friends.
18. You always know you're the first one to pop a beer.
19. Beer is always wet.
20. Beer doesn't demand equality.
21. You can have a beer in public.
22. A beer doesn't care when you come.
23. A frigid beer is a good beer.
24. You don't have to wash a beer before it tastes good.
25. If you change beers, you don't have to pay alimony.
26. You can't catch social diseases from a beer.
27. When you're interrupted by a beer it's for a good reason.
28. A beer is always satisfying.
29. A beer gets lighter the longer you hold it.
30. A beer won't tell you its pregnant for fun.
31. A beer does not come with in-laws.
32. No matter what the package, a beer still looks good.
33. To cool off a beer, all you have to do is put it in the ice box.
34. All you have to do to get over a beer is take a leak.
35. Beer doesn't complain about farting.
36. The only thing a beer tells you is when its time to go to the bathroom.
37. You are never embarrassed about the beer you bring to a party.
38. Its okay to leave a party with a different beer than the one you brought.
39. Beer won't drive you to drink.
40. You can shoot a beer.
41. A beer chaser is easier to catch.
42. You don't need a license to live with a beer.
43. A tree is good enough for a beer.
44. Beer doesn't grow hair where it shouldn't.
45. Beer doesn't care how much you earn.
46. Beer and "ice" don't mix.
47. Beer won't complain about your choice of vacation--it goes along happily.
48. Beer doesn't care if you go to sleep right after you've had it.
49. Beer is happy to ride in the trunk of your car.
50. You never have to promise to respect a beer in the morning.
51. Beer never complains about a wet spot.
52. You can put all your old beers together in one room and they won't fight.
53. A beer doesn't bleed one week out of the month.


Now for the ladies, why a cucumber is better than men:
1. The average cucumber is at least six inches long.
2. Cucumbers stay hard for a week.
3. A cucumber won't tell you size don't count.
4. Cucumbers don't get TOO excited.
5. A cucumber never suffers from performance anxiety.
6. Cucumbers are easy to pick up.
7. You can fondle cucumbers in a supermarket... and you know how firm it is before you take it home.
8. Cucumbers can get away any weekend.
9. With a cucumber you can get a single room and ... you won't have to check in as 'Mrs. Cucumber'.
10. A cucumber will always respect you in the morning.
11. If you can go to the movie with a cucumber and see the movie at a drive in you can stay in the front seat.
12. A cucumber can always wait until you get home.
13. A cucumber won't eat all the popcorn.
14. A cucumber won't drag you out to a John Wayne Film Festival.
15. A cucumber won't ask: 'Am I first?'
16. Cucumbers don't care whether you're a virgin.
17. Cucumbers won't tell other cucumbers you're a virgin.
18. Cucumbers won't tell anyone you're not a virgin.
19. With cucumbers, you don't have to be a virgin more than once.
20. Cucumbers won't write your name and number on men's room wall.
21. Cucumbers don't have sex hang-ups.
22. Cucumbers won't ask: 'Am I the best', 'How was it?' 'Did you come?', 'How many times?'
23. Cucumbers aren't jealous of your gynecologist, ski instructor or hair dresser.
24. Cucumbers won't ask about your last lover or speculate about your next one.
25. A cucumber will never make a scene because there are other cucumbers in the refrigerator.
26. A cucumber won't mind hiding in the refrigerator when your mother comes over.
27. No matter how old you are you can always get a fresh cucumber.
28. You can dish a cucumber up for dinner to your Brother-in law
& Sister, after ****ing it.
29. Cucumbers can handle rejection.
30. A cucumber won't pout if you have a headache.
31. A cucumber won't care what time of the month it is.
32. A cucumber never wants to get it on when your nails are wet.
33. A cucumber won't give it up for lent.
34. With a cucumber, you never have to say you're sorry.
35. Cucumbers won't leave whisker burns, fall asleep on your chest or drool on the pillow.
36. A cucumber will never give you a hickey.
37. Cucumbers can stay up ALL night and you won't have to sleep
in the wet spot.
38. A cucumber won't work your crossword in ink.
39. A cucumber isn't allergic to your cat.
40. Cucumbers never answer your phone or borrow your car.
41. A cucumber won't eat all your food or drink all your liquor.
42. A cucumber doesn't turn your bathroom into a library.
43. Cucumbers won't go through your medicine chest.
44. A cucumber doesn't use your toothbrush, roll-on or hairspray.
45. Cucumbers won't leave dirty shorts on the floor.
46. A cucumber never forgets to flush the toilet.
47. A cucumber doesn't flush the toilet while you're in the shower.
48. With a cucumber, the toilet seat is always the way you left it.
49. Cucumbers don't compare you to a centerfold.
50. Cucumbers won't tell you they liked you better with long hair.
51. A cucumber will never leave you for another man, another woman or another cucumber.
52. You will always know where your cucumber has been.
53. A cucumber never has to call 'the wife'.
54. Cucumbers won't tell you a vasectomy will ruin it for them.
55. You can have as many cucumbers as you can handle.
56. You only eat cucumbers when you feel like it.
57. You don't have to wait for halftime to talk to your cucumber.
58. A cucumber won't leave town on New Years Eve.
59. Cucumbers never want to take you home to mom.
60. Cucumbers never expect you to have little cucumbers.
61. It's easy to drop a cucumber.
62. A cucumber will never contest a divorce, demand a property settlement or seek custody of anything.




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Old 09-04-2013, 08:39 PM   #3291
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Why the dog left home.
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How to Get to Heaven from Ireland
Old 09-10-2013, 08:49 AM   #3292
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How to Get to Heaven from Ireland

How to get to Heaven from Ireland

I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven. I asked them, 'If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?'

'NO!' the children answered.

'If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?'

Again, the answer was 'NO!'

By now I was starting to smile. 'Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?

Again, they all answered 'NO!'

I was just bursting with pride for them. I continued, 'Then how can I get into heaven?'

A six year-old boy shouted out: "YUV GOTTA BE FOOKN' DEAD...."

They're a curious race, the Irish.
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Old 09-12-2013, 11:41 AM   #3293
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Sitting on the highway waiting to catch speeders, a state police officer saw a car puttering along at 22 MPH.


He thinks to himself, that car is just as dangerous as a speeder. So, he turns his lights on and pulls the car over.


Approaching the car, he notices there are 5 old ladies, two at the front and 3 at the back, wide eyed and looking like ghosts.

The driver obviously confused said, "Officer, I don't understand, I wasn't doing over the speed limit!,



What seems to be the problem?" "Ma'am," the officer said, "you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be dangerous".


"Slower than the speed limit? NO SIR! I was doing exactly 22 miles an hour", the old woman said proudly.

The officer containing a chuckle explains that 22 was the route number, not the speed limit.



A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned, thanking the officer for pointing out her error. "Before I go Ma'am, I have to ask, is everyone OK?

These women seem badly shaken and haven't uttered a word all this time" "Oh! they will be alright in a minute, Officer, we just got off Route 142."
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Old 09-12-2013, 11:43 AM   #3294
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Power outage


We had a power outage last week and my PC, TV and games console shut down immediately,

so I had to talk to my wife for a few hours.


She seems like a nice person.
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Old 09-12-2013, 07:47 PM   #3295
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How many Freudian students does it take to change a lightbulb?



2


One to change the bulb and another to hold the penis ladder.
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Old 09-14-2013, 09:23 PM   #3296
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An 80-year-old rancher from West Texas goes to Houston Medical Center for a check-up.

The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, "How do you stay in such great physical condition?"

... "I'm from West Texas and in my spare time I like to hunt and fish" says the old guy, "and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight riding herd and mending fences and when I'm not doing that, I'm out hunting or fishing. In the evening, I have a beer, a shot of whiskey and all is well."

"Well," says the doctor, "I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your father when he died?"

"Who said my father's dead?"

The doctor is amazed. "You mean you're 80 years old and your father's still alive? How old is he?"

"He's 100 years old," says the old cowboy. "In fact he worked and hunted with me this morning, and had a little beer and that's why he's still alive. He's a West Texas rancher and he hunts and fishes too!"

"Well," the doctor says, "that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your father's father? How old was he when he died?"
"Who said my grandpa's dead?"

Stunned, the doctor asks, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still alive?"

"He's 118 years old," says the man.

The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, "So, I guess he went hunting with you this morning too?"

"No, Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today."

At this point the doctor is close to losing it. "Getting Married?!? Why would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?"

"Who said he wanted to...?
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Old 09-23-2013, 01:23 PM   #3297
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This isn't a joke, but it is amusing - was sent to me saying "how to entertain Older People"......

http://img0.liveinternet.ru/images/a..._sprite198.swf
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Old 09-29-2013, 08:08 AM   #3298
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An oldie, but goodie:

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Why some men wear earrings....
Old 09-29-2013, 03:13 PM   #3299
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Why some men wear earrings....

Why Some Men Wear Earrings



Did you ever wonder why earrings became so popular with some men?



A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. The man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."



The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."



"Don't make such a big deal; it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.



His friend falls silent for a few moments, but then his curiosity prods him to ask, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"



"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."
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Complaints to a travel agency
Old 10-02-2013, 02:18 PM   #3300
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Complaints to a travel agency


1. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store
does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts
2. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallarta to close in the afternoons.
I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time -- this should be banned."
3. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant
served curry. I don't like spicy food."
4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our
own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price"
5. "The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room."
6. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows
the sand as white but it was more yellow."
7. "They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting
for my husband who just wanted to relax."
8. "No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared."
9. "Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was
no egg-slicer in the drawers."
10. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they
were all Spanish."
11. "The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during
the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that
would have made our holiday more fun."
12. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans
only three hours to get home. This seems unfair."
13. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends' three-bedroom and
ours was significantly smaller."
14. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the resort'. We're trainee hairdressers
and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service."
15. "There were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the
food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners."
16. "We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning."
17. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before
we travel."
18. "I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes."
19. "My fiancé and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed
in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed
for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put
us in the room that we booked."

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