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Old 10-02-2013, 03:45 PM   #3301
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The US Senate is a cost effective and highly efficient branch of the government.



I just made that up.
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Old 10-02-2013, 08:12 PM   #3302
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The US Senate is a cost effective and highly efficient branch of the government.
What a joke! That one will bring down the House!
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Old 10-02-2013, 11:02 PM   #3303
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How to end the government shutdown?

I think if you hold down Texas and Maine at the same time it automatically reboots!

- Stephen Colbert
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Old 10-03-2013, 03:52 PM   #3304
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I don't know whether to laugh or cry at this Jimmy Kimmel video concerning ObamaCare or is it ACA?
Six Of One - Obamacare Vs. The Affordable Care Act Jimmy Kimmel Live Video Clips - ABC.com
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Old 10-03-2013, 10:29 PM   #3305
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The United States of America (1787-2013) came to a swift and sudden end last night as the government shut down. The nation which had survived Pearl Harbor, the War of 1812 and Jimmy Carter ceased to exist.

The savage population, which had only been kept in line through a policy of rigorous gun
confiscations, food stamps and Green Energy programs unleashed its pent up rage in a spree of riots, looting and mass murder that had only previously been encountered in Somalia.

"The government shut down! We can do anything we like," shouted Sam Hasbley of Grassley, Iowa, while tearing the tag off a mattress despite an explicit warning label forbidding such a dangerous course of action. "Tear yours off. The government is shut down. It can't stop you."

Eyewitnesses spoke of further horrors. On a quiet street in suburban Massachusetts, a man brought out a set of highly illegal lawn darts. In Maryland, there were allegations that an entire family had begun digging ditches to collect rainwater runoff.

With the fall of the government, citizen activists took it upon themselves to chronicle the culture of lawlessness. Men played Gibson guitars made of wood imported from India, but not finished by Indian workers. Women bought cold medicine without a photo ID. Children went hours without hearing lectures about the environment.

The victims were many. In Chuckolod County, Colorado, a transgender person was denied access to the Ladies Room. Frantic calls to the Justice Department were forwarded to an answering service in Depar, India, instead of Doneparre City, Indiana. In Brooklyn, New York, an overweight Senegalese woman was unable to obtain a sign language interpreter while waiting on line to collect her free Obamaphone. In Olegon Falls, Florida, the National Museum of Native American Yarn was forced to shut down depriving schoolchildren of an educational experience and three hours throwing bits of yarn at each other.

And there was worse to come.

The entire city of Detroit was seized by the Michigan Militia backed by Canadian air power. The village of Frankfurt, Illinois passed several ordinances in explicit violation of Title MXVIII of the Federal Charter of Approved Fruit Naming Ordinances. North Dakota seceded and declared that it was now the nation of Bismarckia, elected a Kaiser and petitioned to join OPEC.

An army of Mongols or possibly local residents dressed in Samurai helmets raided the Federal Dried Peach Reserve in Georgia hauling away thousands of tons of dried fruit and tossed them to waiting crowds. The end of food stamps in Martho, New Jersey led to an outbreak of cannibalism despite efforts by ACORN volunteers to bring order to the proceedings by soliciting volunteers to give up their privilege and be fed to the people.

In Massey Hills, Virginia, a gang of politically incorrect sports mascots entered a workplace and implicitly hurt the feelings of several minorities. Their calls to the Justice Department were forwarded to Eric Holder's private voicemail along with frequent messages from his coke dealer demanding to be paid, like right now, and requests for weapons manuals from several Mexican cartel bosses.

In Madison, Wisconsin, the entire United Organized Educators and Librarians Union attempted to commit mass suicide on the front lawn of the Madison Center of Union History to protest budget cuts and school closings. Their efforts proved in vain when the gasoline they poured on themselves in a failed attempt at self-immolation turned out to be apple juice.

In Caplow City, Maine, President Gerald Ford, long thought dead and believed to have been buried in Michigan, appeared and declared himself to be the nation's new leader. While some suspect him to be an impostor based on the plastic texture of his mask which has a hastily erased message reading "Impeach Nixon" on the side, the city fathers have chosen to embrace the possibilities offered by Emperor Ford and have set him up in style in a presidential palace on the eight floor of the Caplow Arms Hotel.

In the midst of all this chaos, a weary nation's eyes turn to Washington D.C. But since the shutdown, which also shut off all power, water and press releases to the embattled city, no word has reached the outside world of what is taking place there. The last message was a smoke signal dispatched by Elizabeth Warren from the roof of a burning Capitol Building. An expert in Native American smoke signals decoded it to read, "I told you so. Now we're all doomed."

The only surviving member of the national government outside the dead zone is believed to be Vice President Joseph Biden who showed up on a beach in Waddiddi, Florida, where he has spent hours entertaining himself by building an elaborate 1/100 scale model of the White House out of sand. Attempts to inform him that the tide was coming in have fallen on deaf ears.

As the nation descends into chaos, one thing is clear. The government shutdown has once again doomed us all. Just like the last 17 times.


1434



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Old 10-10-2013, 03:23 PM   #3306
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Another National Park embarrassment thanks to the govt. shutdown.
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Old 10-12-2013, 07:36 PM   #3307
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Police work must be entertaining as well as dangerous. Recently, a female police officer arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22 year old white male, fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of the night. The next day, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency and public intoxication.

The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session and decided to stop, "You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside," he told the court, "and there was no one around for miles, or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around," he stated.

Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need. "Guess I was really into it, you know?," he commented with evident embarrassment.

In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached the side of his car. "It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said Officer Taylor. "I walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin."

Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence: "I had said, "excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin?"."

"He froze, and he was clearly very surprised that I was there. And then he looked me straight in the face and said, "a pumpkin? ****! Is it midnight already?"."

The court (and the judge) could not contain their laughter. The Washington Post wrote an article describing this as "best come-back line ever."

++++
OK, so it never really happened. But, it's still a funny story (or, so I think).
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Old 10-12-2013, 07:45 PM   #3308
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An Irishman & A Mercedes

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his Mercedes into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.

The pump attendant who knows absolutely nothing about golf, greets him in a
typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.

"Top of the mornin' toyer, sir" says the attendant.

Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he
does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

"What are those? asks the attendant.

"They're called tees" replies Tiger.

"Well, what on this god's earth are dey for?"inquires the Irishman.

"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.

"Fookin Jaysus", says the Irishman, "Mercedes thinks of everything!".
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Old 10-18-2013, 10:02 AM   #3309
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MORRIS's final wishes on his deathbed...








Morris Schwartz is on his deathbed, knows the end is near, is with his nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons. "So", he says to them:

"Bernie, I want you to take the Beverly Hills houses."

"Sybil, take the apartments over in Los Angeles Plaza."

"Hymie, I want you to take the offices over in City Center."

"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings downtown."

The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Morris slips away, she says , "Mrs. Schwartz, your husband must have been such a hard working man to have accumulated all this property".

Sarah replies, "Property? ... the schmuck has a paper route!"
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Old 10-30-2013, 03:29 PM   #3310
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Gotta love the irony of this
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Old 10-30-2013, 10:01 PM   #3311
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What do West Virginians do on Halloween?


Pump kin.
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Old 10-31-2013, 10:54 AM   #3312
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See below and ask, why the eye chart ?
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Old 10-31-2013, 10:55 AM   #3313
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Old 11-04-2013, 01:21 PM   #3314
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CALORIES BURNED DURING SEX


OPENING HER BRA:
With both hands............................................. . 8 Calories
With one hand.............................................. ..12 Calories
With your teeth............................................4 85 Calories

PUTTING ON A CONDOM:
With an erection.......................................... .....6 Calories
Without an erection..................................3,315 Calories

POSITIONS:
Missionary........................................ ...............12 Calories
69 lying down.............................................. ....78 Calories
69 standing up................................................ 812 Calories
Wheelbarrow....................................... ..........216 Calories
Doggy Style............................................. ......326 Calories
Italian Chandelier.......................................2 ,912 Calories

ORGASMS:
Real.............................................. ..................112 Calories
Fake.............................................. ...............1,315 Calories

POST ORGASM:
Lying in bed hugging.......................................18 Calories
Getting up immediately..................................36 Calories
Explaining why you got out of bed immediately...816 Calories

GETTING A SECOND ERECTION: If you are:
18-29 years............................................. .........36 Calories
30-39 years............................................. .........80 Calories
40-49 years............................................. ......124 Calories
50-59 years............................................. ...1,972 Calories
60-69 years............................................. ...7,916 Calories
70 and over...................................Results are still pending

DRESSING AFTERWARDS
Calmly............................................ ..................32 Calories
In a hurry............................................. .............98 Calories
With her father knocking at the door.......5,218 Calories
With her husband knocking at the door....8,775 Calories
With your wife knocking at the door......13,521 Calories

Results may vary.
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Old 11-12-2013, 09:38 AM   #3315
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Remember : Cold season is starting and cows seek heat on car hoods. do not forget to tap on the hood to give the cow enough time to get off before you drive away!
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Old 11-12-2013, 09:48 AM   #3316
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Remember : Cold season is starting and cows seek heat on car hoods. do not forget to tap on the hood to give the cow enough time to get off before you drive away!
Love it - bitching about cat prints on your car? pfft! Looks like an Ada the Ayrshire move (Helga the Holstein?).
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Old 11-12-2013, 04:37 PM   #3317
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Love it - bitching about cat prints on your car?
Never again will I bitch about cat prints on the car!
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Old 11-14-2013, 07:27 PM   #3318
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Amazon.com: Haribo Gummy Candy, Sugarless Gummy Bears, 5-Pound Bag: Grocery & Gourmet Food

Reading the reviews it's unclear if this belongs here or in the health forum in the colonoscopy prep threads.
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Old 11-14-2013, 11:22 PM   #3319
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Amazon.com: Haribo Gummy Candy, Sugarless Gummy Bears, 5-Pound Bag: Grocery & Gourmet Food

Reading the reviews it's unclear if this belongs here or in the health forum in the colonoscopy prep threads.
About 8 years ago I got the news that I was diabetic. Keeping in mind that this was before I took any classes or did any research on the disease, the first thing I did was buy a big bag of sugar free gummis. I ate a fairly big handful, and that night I was in severe GI pain, and DW (not so D at the time) was laughing at me, but still wouldn't let me sleep in the bedroom that night. So I vote for the colonoscopy thread.
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Old 11-15-2013, 12:30 PM   #3320
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LOL!

Sugar alcohols used to sweeten many sugar-free candies are funny things. They aren't easily digested or passed through the intestinal lining, so they sort of pass on through. Sort of, because many folks have gut bacteria that like sugar alcohols. A lot... The gut bacteria have a little party (SIBO, or small intestinal bacterial overgrowth), and produce that wonderful end-product of gut bacteria, gas. Mostly methane, but with some wonderfully aromatic ketones, aldehydes, and other organic olfactory treats.

That's what pressure-washes your gut, and leads to your exile to the far end of the house.
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