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DJIA Beats National Debt
Old 11-15-2013, 04:45 PM   #3321
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DJIA Beats National Debt

Between March 6, 2009 and Nov 15, 2013

The Dow Jones Indistrial Average has increased 240%

The National Debt has only increased 157%

Does that mean the DJIA is overbought?
OR
That we just haven't borrowed enough?
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Old 11-17-2013, 12:50 PM   #3322
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A woman was in the bath when the doorbell rang, so she got out, put on a bathrobe and went to answer the door.
At the door was her husband's golf partner, Jim.
"I'm afraid my husband's not in" she said.
"Oh well!", said Jim, "Say, you look very nice in that robe. How about giving me a quick flash?"
"No!", cried the woman, "What would my husband say?"
"Oh go on!", pleaded Jim, "Just a quick flash and I'll give you 50, no, 100 dollars"
The woman is tempted, but still refuses.
"Ok, Ok, my final offer. Flash me for 10 seconds and I'll give you 200 bucks"
The woman thinks about it, nods, opens her robe for 10 seconds and closes it quickly.
Jim smiles and hands over $200 in cash, before walking off whistling.

Later that evening, the husband asks "Did Jim call round for me earlier?"
"Erm, yes.", replied the wife nervously.
"Oh good - did he give you that $200 he owes me?"
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Beer trade
Old 11-28-2013, 02:30 AM   #3323
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Beer trade

An Australian sort of joke ....


This morning I was in luck and was able to buy two boxes of my favourite "VIC BITTER" beer cheap at the local bottle shop.

I placed the boxes on the front seat and headed back home. I stopped at a service station where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde in a short skirt was filling up her car at the next pump. She glanced at the two boxes of beer, bent over and leaned in my passenger window, and said in a sexy voice, "I'm a big believer in barter, handsome. Would you be interested in trading sex for beer?"

...I thought for a few seconds and asked, "What kind of beer 'ya got?"
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Old 11-28-2013, 02:39 AM   #3324
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True story.....

Someone I worked with lives at xxx Niagara Street. Her tax Notice of Assessment listed her address as xxx Viagara Street.
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Old 11-28-2013, 07:03 PM   #3325
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True story.....

Someone I worked with lives at xxx Niagara Street. Her tax Notice of Assessment listed her address as xxx Viagara Street.
Tax assessments always seem to go up.
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Old 11-29-2013, 12:46 PM   #3326
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Tax assessments always seem to go up.
Ouch. People have been shot for less than that you know.
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Shaken, not stirred
Old 12-14-2013, 07:38 AM   #3327
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Shaken, not stirred

A research study of the alcohol consumption of James Bond from the Holiday edition of the British Medical Journal.

http://www.bmj.com/content/347/bmj.f7255#alternate
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Old 12-14-2013, 08:57 AM   #3328
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A research study of the alcohol consumption of James Bond from the Holiday edition of the British Medical Journal.

Were James Bond
This must be what's meant by, "ti many martoonis."
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Old 12-14-2013, 09:31 AM   #3329
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Is it rue that an Irishman is never too drunk, so long as he can hang onto a blade of grass and not fall off the face of the earth?
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Old 12-14-2013, 09:56 PM   #3330
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It wouldn't be mentioned in the books, but in the movies you can see that 007 is often carrying a drink, but often puts it down after a sip or two. That might cut his intake down to merely two or three times the recommended amount. Not to mention the cybernetic liver Q put in him back in Casino Royale. The first one, with Woody Allen.
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Old 12-15-2013, 11:36 AM   #3331
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Pretty silly but these made DH and me laugh out loud http://www.buzzfeed.com/awesomer/pho...-to-understand
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Old 12-15-2013, 04:33 PM   #3332
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Classic Insults:

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease." "That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." - Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.." - Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill.
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second ... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.." - Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." – Groucho Marx
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Old 12-16-2013, 08:49 AM   #3333
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Quote:
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Classic Insults:

A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease." "That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."
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Old 12-21-2013, 07:25 AM   #3334
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Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.
"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Sven, "but we don't have a ladder."
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, announced, "Twenty-one feet, six inches," and walked away.
One engineer shook his head and laughed, "A lot of good that does us. We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"
Both engineers have since lost their engineering jobs and are currently serving in the United States Congress.
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Old 12-21-2013, 12:38 PM   #3335
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Just saw this one today.

An elderly man in Oklahoma calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day son, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting a divorce; 45 years of marriage... and that much misery is enough!" "Dad, what are you talking about?" the son yells. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old dad explained. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Hong Kong and tell her!". Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls her elderly father immediately, and screams at him, "You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, you hear me?" she yelled as she hung up the phone. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay", he says, "it's all set. They're both coming for Christmas and paying their own air-fare."
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Old 12-21-2013, 01:47 PM   #3336
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Quote:
Originally Posted by frayne View Post
Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.
"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Sven, "but we don't have a ladder."
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, announced, "Twenty-one feet, six inches," and walked away.
One engineer shook his head and laughed, "A lot of good that does us. We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"
Both engineers have since lost their engineering jobs and are currently serving in the United States Congress.
But a vertical flagpole would be compressed by gravitational forces. Its length would be different when set horizontally.

So, it depends upon the accuracy that was specified, which was not given in the story, so the engineers may have had it right (disqualifying them for a political career).

Aren't you glad you asked? Oh, that's right -you didn't ask!


-ERD50
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Old 12-21-2013, 04:04 PM   #3337
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But a vertical flagpole would be compressed by gravitational forces. Its length would be different when set horizontally.

So, it depends upon the accuracy that was specified, which was not given in the story, so the engineers may have had it right (disqualifying them for a political career).

Aren't you glad you asked? Oh, that's right -you didn't ask!


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Old 12-22-2013, 07:20 AM   #3338
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During a commercial airline flight an experienced Air Force Pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms. When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible.


The pilot pretended not to notice, and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related items. When the young mother expressed her gratitude,


the pilot responded, "that's a good looking baby, and he sure was hungry!"

Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said that the time spent on the breast would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.

The Air Force Pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed,

"And all these years, I've been chewing gum."

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Old 01-19-2014, 04:15 PM   #3339
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Cougars will not be happy about this:
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Old 01-20-2014, 01:20 AM   #3340
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Cougars will not be happy about this:
Where is Madonna when you need her?

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