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Old 01-20-2014, 09:13 AM   #3341
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Old 01-20-2014, 05:56 PM   #3342
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How true. In 1979, I moved to Casper from NYC, ahem. On I25, around Chugwater, my car was struggling to maintain speed so I pulled over to have a look under the hood. I pushed to open the door but it wouldn't budge. The wind was incredible. I just couldn't handle the winds in WY and soon moved to CO
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Old 01-21-2014, 06:48 AM   #3343
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Sex After Surgery

A recent article in the Kentucky Post reported that a woman, one Anne
Maynard, has sued St Luke's hospital, saying that after her husband had
surgery there, he lost all interest in sex.

A hospital spokesman replied, "Mr. Maynard was admitted in Ophthalmology.
All we did was correct his eyesight."
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Old 01-26-2014, 02:53 PM   #3344
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Graphic reasons why women live longer than men. Guilty of at least a couple of these.

Why women live longer than men... - Imgur
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Old 01-30-2014, 05:24 PM   #3345
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Old 02-06-2014, 02:53 PM   #3346
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Old 02-06-2014, 05:53 PM   #3347
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The Cow


The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk. The town folk found they could buy a cow in Scotland quite cheaply,and brought a cow from Scotland. It produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.

They bought a bull to mate with the cow, so that they'd never have to worry about milk again. They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he was never able to do the deed.

The people were very upset and decided to go to the wise old Vet, and ask his advice. "Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts from the one side, she walks away to the other side."

The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking, "Did you, by chance, buy this cow in Scotland ?"

The people were dumbfounded; since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Scotland.

"You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "…How did you know we got the cow from Scotland?"

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from Scotland…"
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Old 02-06-2014, 07:13 PM   #3348
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How to identify a meth lab.



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Old 02-09-2014, 11:42 AM   #3349
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Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end, sank to the bottom of the pool, and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the Director of Nursing became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you are being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound-mindedness.

The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in his bathroom with the belt to his robe right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"
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Old 02-09-2014, 11:44 AM   #3350
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A group of 15 year old boys discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at the McDonald's next to Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because they only had six dollars among them, they could ride their bikes and that cute girl in Social Studies, lives on the same street and they might see her.

Ten years later,the group of now 25 year old guys discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the beer was cheap, the bar had free snacks, the house band was good, there was no cover charge and there were lot of cute girls.

Ten years later, at 35 years of age, the group discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was decided they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the booze was good, it was near their gym and, if they went late enough, there wouldn't be too many whiny little kids.

Ten years later, at 45, the group discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the martinis were big and the waitresses wore tight pants.

Ten years later, now 55, the group discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Capt Jack's Seafood Grille because the prices were reasonable, they have a nice wine list and fish is good for your cholesterol.

Ten years later, at 65 years of age,the group discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because the lighting was good and they have an early bird special.

Ten years later, at 75 years of age, the group discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Capt Jack's Seafood Grille because the food was not too spicy and the restaurant was handicapped accessible.

Ten years later, at 85 years of age, the group discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack's Seafood Grille because they had never been there before.
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Old 02-09-2014, 02:37 PM   #3351
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A wife texts her husband on a cold winter morning: "Windows frozen, won't open". Her husband texts back: "Gently pour lukewarm water over it". Five minutes later wife texts back: Computer really screwed up now!"
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Old 02-10-2014, 08:13 AM   #3352
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WOMAN STOPS GATOR WITH SMALL PISTOL - This is a story of self control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator.

What is the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself?

A Beretta Jetfire testimonial.

Here is her story: While out walking along the edge of a bayou just below Houma, Louisiana with my soon to be ex-husband discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator suddenly emerging from the murky water and charging us with its large jaws wide open.

She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive. If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire .25 caliber pistol with me I would not be here today!

Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took. The gator got him easily and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.

It's one of the best pistols in my collection! Plus...the amount I saved in lawyer's fees was more than worth the purchase price of the gun.
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Old 02-14-2014, 07:13 PM   #3353
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Fits in here..

What head of a non-profit-tax free organization earned $44.2 Million in 2012?
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Old 02-14-2014, 07:27 PM   #3354
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Quote:
Originally Posted by imoldernu View Post
Fits in here..

What head of a non-profit-tax free organization earned $44.2 Million in 2012?
N.F.L. Commissioner Roger Goodell
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Old 02-20-2014, 02:55 PM   #3355
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Given the weather DW friend sent this; replace blonde with any hair color:

As a trucker stops at a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you're losing some of your load."
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde's car. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says "Hi, my name is Kevin, it's Winter in Michigan and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"

MRG
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Old 02-20-2014, 03:02 PM   #3356
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Old married couple married 30 years are sitting watching tv in their living room. Woman stands up and slaps her husband as hard as she can in the face and sits down. Husband is shocked and asks, "what was that for". Wife responds, "that's for 30 years of bad sex!!" Five minutes later the husband stands up and slaps his wife as hard as he can! Wife looks at her husband and asks, "what was that for??" Husband responds, "THAT'S FOR KNOWING THE DIFFERENCE!!"
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Then What?
Old 02-21-2014, 01:59 PM   #3357
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Then What?

Here's the perfect joke for those on the RE fence:

Then What


American businessman was at a pier in a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellow-fin tuna.

The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them.

The Mexican replied only a little while.

The American then asked why didn't he stay out longer and catch more fish?

The Mexican said he had enough to support his family's immediate needs.

The American then asked the Mexican how he spent the rest of his time.

The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos. I have a full and busy life, senor."

The American scoffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and, with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat. With the proceeds from the bigger boat, you could buy several boats, eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution.

"You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then LA and eventually NYC where you will run your expanding enterprise."

The Mexican fisherman asked, "But senor, how long will this all take?"

To which the American replied, "15-20 years."

"But what then, senor?" asked the Mexican.

The American laughed, and said, "That's the best part! then when the time is right, you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public. You'll become very rich, you would make millions!"

"Millions, senor?" replied the Mexican. "Then what?"

The American said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos."
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Old 02-23-2014, 04:58 PM   #3358
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Two very senior little ladies were discussing the ravages that time had wrought on their bodies.

Said one "My arthritis has gotten so bad I can hardly grip anything, my cataracts seem to get worse every day, I have gout in my right leg and can't bend my knee and I can't hear anything.

But thank God I can still drive
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Relations
Old 02-23-2014, 04:59 PM   #3359
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Relations

Relations


This story is about an elderly couple, sitting together watching television.

During one of those commercials, the husband asked his wife, "Whatever happened to our sexual relations?"

After a long thoughtful silence, the wife replied during the next commercial, "You know, I don't know. I don't even think we got a Christmas card from them this year!"
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Old 02-23-2014, 05:05 PM   #3360
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Diary Of Wisconsin & Arizona

Dear Diary:


August 2: Moved to our new home in Wisconsin. It is so beautiful here. The forests are so serene and picturesque. Can hardly wait to see them all covered with snow. God's Country, I love it here!

October 14: Wisconsin is the most beautiful place on Earth. The leaves are turning and beginning to color. I love the bright shades of red and orange. Went for a ride through a beautiful forest and spotted some deer. They are so graceful. They are certainly the most peaceful animals on earth. This must be paradise!

November 11: Deer Season will start soon. I can't imagine anyone wanting to kill such an elegant creature. The very symbol of peace and tranquillity. Hope it will snow soon. I really love it here!

December 2: It finally snowed last night. Woke up to find everything blanketed in white. It looks just like a postcard. We went outside and cleared the snow off the steps and shoveled the driveway. We had a snowball fight (I won) and when the snow plow came by, we had to shovel the driveway again. What a beautiful place. Mother Nature in perfect harmony. I love Wisconsin.

December 12: More snow last night. I love it. The snow-plow did his trick again (that rascal). A winter wonderland, but pretty cold!

December 18: More snow last night. Couldn't even get out of the driveway to get to work this time. I'm exhausted from shoveling this stuff. Darn that old snow-plow!
December 22:n More of that white crap fell last night. I've got blisters from shoveling this crap. I think the snow plow man hides around the curve and waits until I'm done shoveling the damn driveway, then he plows the stupid street.
December 25: "White Christmas" my busted butt! More damn snow. If I ever get my hands on the SOB who drives that snowplow, I swear I will castrate the stupid idiot. Why don't they use more salt on the roads to melt all this ice.

December 28: Guess what? More white crap fell last night. Been inside since Christmas, every day except for shoveling out the driveway every time the "Snow Plow from Hell" comes by. Can't go anywhere, the car's buried in a mountain of frozen white crap. The weatherman says to expect another 10" tonight. Do you know how many shovels- full of white crap 10" is?
January 1: Happy flipping New Year! The weatherman was wrong. We got 34" of the white crap this time. At this rate, it won't melt until the 4th of July. The snow plow got stuck up the road and the bozo driver had the nerve to come to the door and ask to borrow my shovel. I told him I'd already broken 6 shovels digging out from under all the white crap he pushes back into my driveway and broke my last shovel over his damned head.

January 4: Finally got out of the house today. Went to the store to get food. On the way back a damned deer ran in front of the car and I hit the sucker. Did about $3000 damage to the car. Those worthless deer poo-dropping road hazards should be exterminated. Wish the darn hunters had killed them all last November.

May 3: Took the new car to the garage in town. Would you believe the body is rusting out from all that flipping salt they dumped on the roads all winter. My car looks like a piece of crap!


July 1: Moved to Arizona! I can't imagine why anyone in their right mind would ever move to that God Forsaken State of Wisconsin.
July 2: Saw a wonderful sunset this evening. I now understand "Purple Mountains Majesty." Why do people live anywhere but here?
July 3: A lightning storm came last night. The sky was all lit. It was truly awesome! This morning the sky is "transparent". I can see into Mexico. Arizona is a phenomenal state!

July 4: Now this is a state that knows how to live. Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. Mountains and desert blended together, what a place. Watched the fireworks at the park laying out on a blanket. It was glorious! I've finally found my home.

July 5: Really heating up, got to 100 today, not a problem, live in an air conditioned home and drive an air conditioned car. Life's full of tradeoffs. What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this. I'm turning into a real sun worshipper.

July 7: Had the back yard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing for me. Another scorcher today but I love it here.
July 10: The temperature has not been below 100 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat. At least it's a dry heat. Getting used to it is taking a little longer than I expected.

July 15: Fell asleep at poolside, got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body. Missed two days work. What a dumb thing to do. I've learned my lesson! I really respect the old Sun in a climate like this.

July 20: I missed Tabby, our cat, sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got out to the hot car for lunch, Tabby had swollen to the size of a shopping bag and exploded over $2000 worth of leather upholstery. I told the kids she ran away. The car now smells like kibbles and crap. No more pets in this heat.
July 25: Dry flipping heat my butt. Hot is hot! I'd be cooler living in my oven. The home air conditioner is on the fritz and the AC repairman wants $200 just to drive by and tell me he needs to order parts.
July 30: Been sleeping outside by the pool for three nights now. $1100 flipping dollar house payment and we can't even go inside. Why did I ever come here?

August 4: 117 degrees. Finally got the air conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and can only cool the house down to 90. Stupid repairman peed in my pool. I hate this stupid state.

August 8: If another butthead cracks, "Hot enough for ya today." I'm going to tear his stinkin' throat out. Arizona is hot! By the time I get to work, the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are dripping wet with sweat and I smell like roasted Garfield.

August 10: The weather report might as well be a recording. Hot and sunny. It's been too hot to breathe for 2 stinking months. And the weatherman says it might really warm up this weekend. Doesn't it ever rain in the barren damn desert!

August 19: Welcome to Hell! Temperature got to 128 degrees today. Forgot to crack a window and blew the blasted windshield out of the Lincoln. The installer came to fix it, and said, "Hot enough for ya today." My wife had to spend the stinking $1100 house payment to bail me out of jail.
August 30: Hottest day of the damn summer. I'm not even leaving the house. Water rationing has been in effect all summer, so the $1700 worth of my "low maintenance" cactus in the yard just dried up and blew into the stinkin' pool Even a cactus can't live in this heat! I can't cool off in the pool now! The pool is full of sharp needles and every time I attempt to clean the blasted cactus needles out of the pool filter I shred my tender hands.

That does it, we're moving back to Wisconsin in time for deer season!!!
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