Its funny joke Thursday! - Page 17

greg · 12-01-2005, 01:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Outtahere

I know this is a little late but .....

Top ten things that sound dirty at thanksgiving but aren't...
10. "Talk about a huge breast!"
9. "It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?"
8. "Don't play with your meat."
7. "Just spread the legs open & stuff it in."
6. "I didn't expect everyone to come at once!"
5. "You still have a little bit on your chin."
4. "How long will it take after you stick it in?"
3. "You'll know it's ready when it pops up."
2. "That's the biggest one I've ever seen!"
1. "How long do I beat it before it's ready?"

You forgot my favorite, "I can hardly wait! How about a drink first?"

nwsteve · 12-01-2005, 03:12 PM

For ouir many technical friends and all others with similar interests
nwsteve

Dear Technical Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Drunken Boys Night 2.5 and Saturday Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.

I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favorite applications. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall does not work on this program. Can you help me, please!!!

Thanks,
A TROUBLED USER

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear TROUBLED USER:

This is a very common problem men complain about, but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program.

Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained.

It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than with the original system. Look in your manual under "Warnings-Alimony/Child Support".

I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. I suggest installing background application program C:\YES DEAR to alleviate software augmentation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs).

You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur, regardless of their cause. The best course of action will be to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE. In any case avoid excessive use of YES DEAR because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the operating system will return to normal.

The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all the GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high maintenance. Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0.

Do not, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,
Tech Support

dory36 · 12-01-2005, 05:24 PM

How Microsoft motivates its programmers...

http://tinyurl.com/cwgp9

Nords · 12-02-2005, 05:41 AM

I didn't really want to know how to make eggnog, did I?

Eagle43 · 12-05-2005, 03:57 PM

A man and his wife are sitting in the living room and he says to her:

"Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state dependent on some machine. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

His wife gets up and unplugs the TV.

Jarhead* · 12-05-2005, 04:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Eagle43

A man and his wife are sitting in the living room and he says to her:

"Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state dependent on some machine. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

His wife gets up and unplugs the TV.

Jarhead* · 12-05-2005, 04:43 PM

Sign on an out of business cat-house.

Beat it, we're closed!

MJ · 12-06-2005, 10:28 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Eagle43

A man and his wife are sitting in the living room and he says to her:
"Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state dependent on some machine. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
His wife gets up and unplugs the TV.

Now, I know what I have been miss in my single adult life, someone to unplug me.

REWahoo · 12-06-2005, 06:22 PM

Many years ago a group of senior citizen ladies were touring a Marine base. After the Drill Sergeant showed the ladies the barracks, drill field, exercise area, stockade, and the Colonel's and staff offices, it was off to the mess hall.

After finishing lunch and the Sergeant telling the ladies of the 15,000 meals served each day, the 7,500 pounds of chicken, 500 loaves of wheat bread, 150 pounds of butter, and 300 pounds of sugar used daily in meal preparation and serving, it was off to see the kitchen area where the meals were prepared.

The Sergeant wanted to impress the ladies, so he showed them all of the stainless steel pots that held 200 pounds of mashed potatoes, the freezers that were 50-feet long, and the huge dishwashers that washed hundreds of plates and glasses per hour.

Then the tour moved to the baking area where cookies were being made. The cookies were cut into shapes by an automated cookie-cutter, and then put on a conveyor belt going into the oven. As the belt took the morsels toward the oven, a young shirtless Marine, who the Sergeant identified as Jarhead, would pick up each cookie, press it to his belly-button, and then put it back on the conveyor belt.

One of the ladies asked, "What on earth is that young marine doing?"

The Sergeant explained, "Jarhead is making designs on the cookies."

Then the same lady asked, "Isn't that awfully unsanitary?"

Replied the Sergeant, "Lady, you should have been here yesterday when we were making donuts!"

Jarhead* · 12-06-2005, 08:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by REWahoo!

500 loaves of wheat bread,

Replied the Sergeant, "Lady, you should have been here yesterday when we were making donuts!"

Wahoo:

One slight correction. Wheat bread wasn't required for the troops.

Although it did come in handy for the guy making the doughnuts.

Outtahere · 12-08-2005, 05:02 AM

A married couple went to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival,the
doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of
the mother's labor pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. However as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer.

The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point,they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well.

Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home, they found the mailman dead on the porch.

Outtahere · 12-08-2005, 05:04 AM

Three old ladies named Gertrude, Maude and Tilly were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the park.

The flasher approached the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat.

Gertrude immediately had a stroke.

Then Maude also had a stroke.

Tilly, bless her heart, being older and more feeble, couldn't reach that far.

REWahoo · 12-08-2005, 08:26 AM

Many years ago, Mrs. Jarhead was waiting in the car outside her daughter’s school. She was picking her up after shopping at the market and, at her husband’s request, buying yet another half-dozen loaves of fresh wheat bread. Mrs. Jarhead had never understood her husband’s insatiable appetite for wheat bread, but it seemed harmless enough so she always kept a good supply on hand.

On the way home from school, her young daughter asked, “Mom, where do babies come from?”

Mrs. Jarhead had known this question was coming someday, and had vowed she would be open and straightfoward when it did. “Honey”, she said, “babies come from sex.” She then gave her young daughter a short lesson in the facts of life.

“OK”, replied her daughter. “I have another question. What is oral sex?”

Mrs. Jarhead smiled and said. “Honey, that’s where jewelry comes from.”

Eagle43 · 12-08-2005, 06:45 PM

Christmas Cookie Ingredients:

1 cup of water* * * * lemon juice
1 tsp baking soda* * *4 large eggs
1 cup of sugar* * * * 1 cup nuts
1 tsp salt* * * * * * 2 cups of dried fruit
1 cup of brown sugar
1 bottle Jack Daniel's Whiskey

Sample the Jack Daniel's to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the
Jack Daniel's again, to be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one
level cup and drink.

Turn on the electric mixer...Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
Add one teaspoon of sugar...Beat again. At this point it's best to make
sure the Jack Daniel's is still OK, try another cup just in case.

Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in
the cup of dried fruit, Pick the frigging fruit off floor... Mix on the
turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose
with a drewscriver. Sample the Jack Daniel's to check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Who giveshz a sheet. Check the
Jack Daniel's. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one
table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.

Greash the oven.

Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to
beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the
Dack Janiels and make sure to put the stove in the dishwasher.

Y'all didn't know the Eagle could cook... Did you?

REWahoo · 12-10-2005, 09:56 AM

JG's spouse was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you,but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"

The woman said, "That's okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to."

The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me." So she's the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you."

The woman said,"That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine." So, she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

MRGALT2U · 12-10-2005, 05:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by REWahoo!

JG's spouse was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went* to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you,but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"

The woman said, "That's okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to."

The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me." So she's the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you."

The woman said,"That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine." So, she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

Not funny!

JG

Outtahere · 12-10-2005, 06:03 PM

Worried that woman might be your wife JG? LOL

MRGALT2U · 12-10-2005, 06:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Outtahere

Worried that woman might be your wife JG?* LOL

One of my fav. movies ever is 'HEAT', Pacino, DeNiro and Vought.
How could you miss? This is where my oft quoted line
"You can get killed walkin' your doggie!" comes from.
Anyway, Vought's character is talking to DeNiro's
character about "troubles" ahead for his criminal
aspirations. He smiles. Vought says, "Funny as a heart
attack man!" What a movie! Think I'll go watch it..............
Elvis has left the building................

JG

12-01-2005, 03:12 PM	#322
nwsteve Recycles dryer sheets Join Date: Jun 2004 Location: Pullman Posts: 278	Re: Its funny joke Thursday! For ouir many technical friends and all others with similar interests nwsteve Dear Technical Support: Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Drunken Boys Night 2.5 and Saturday Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favorite applications. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall does not work on this program. Can you help me, please!!! Thanks, A TROUBLED USER -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dear TROUBLED USER: This is a very common problem men complain about, but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than with the original system. Look in your manual under "Warnings-Alimony/Child Support". I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. I suggest installing background application program C:\YES DEAR to alleviate software augmentation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur, regardless of their cause. The best course of action will be to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE. In any case avoid excessive use of YES DEAR because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the operating system will return to normal. The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all the GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high maintenance. Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0. Do not, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system. Best of luck, Tech Support

12-01-2005, 05:24 PM	#323
dory36 Early-Retirement.org Founder Developer of FIRECalc Join Date: Jun 2002 Posts: 1,823	Re: Its funny joke Thursday! How Microsoft motivates its programmers... http://tinyurl.com/cwgp9 __________________ Often uninformed, seldom undecided. Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover. Mark Twain

12-05-2005, 03:57 PM	#325
Eagle43 Thinks s/he gets paid by the post Join Date: Jan 2005 Posts: 1,645	Re: Its funny joke Thursday! A man and his wife are sitting in the living room and he says to her: "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state dependent on some machine. If that ever happens, just pull the plug." His wife gets up and unplugs the TV. __________________ To sit back hoping that someday, someway, someone will make things right is to go on feeding the crocodile, hoping he will eat you last--but eat you he will. Ronald Reagan Disclaimer: My Posts are for my amusement only.

12-05-2005, 04:43 PM	#327
Jarhead* Thinks s/he gets paid by the post Join Date: Dec 2003 Posts: 1,369	Re: Its funny joke Thursday! Sign on an out of business cat-house. Beat it, we're closed!

12-06-2005, 06:22 PM	#329
REWahoo Moderator Emeritus Join Date: Jun 2002 Location: Texas Hill Country Posts: 11,060	Re: Its funny joke Thursday! Many years ago a group of senior citizen ladies were touring a Marine base. After the Drill Sergeant showed the ladies the barracks, drill field, exercise area, stockade, and the Colonel's and staff offices, it was off to the mess hall. After finishing lunch and the Sergeant telling the ladies of the 15,000 meals served each day, the 7,500 pounds of chicken, 500 loaves of wheat bread, 150 pounds of butter, and 300 pounds of sugar used daily in meal preparation and serving, it was off to see the kitchen area where the meals were prepared. The Sergeant wanted to impress the ladies, so he showed them all of the stainless steel pots that held 200 pounds of mashed potatoes, the freezers that were 50-feet long, and the huge dishwashers that washed hundreds of plates and glasses per hour. Then the tour moved to the baking area where cookies were being made. The cookies were cut into shapes by an automated cookie-cutter, and then put on a conveyor belt going into the oven. As the belt took the morsels toward the oven, a young shirtless Marine, who the Sergeant identified as Jarhead, would pick up each cookie, press it to his belly-button, and then put it back on the conveyor belt. One of the ladies asked, "What on earth is that young marine doing?" The Sergeant explained, "Jarhead is making designs on the cookies." Then the same lady asked, "Isn't that awfully unsanitary?" Replied the Sergeant, "Lady, you should have been here yesterday when we were making donuts!" __________________ [MODERATOR EDIT]

12-08-2005, 05:02 AM	#331
Outtahere Thinks s/he gets paid by the post Join Date: Sep 2005 Posts: 1,678	Re: Its funny joke Thursday! A married couple went to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival,the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. However as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point,they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, they found the mailman dead on the porch. __________________ Dogs aren't our whole lives, but they make our lives whole. - Roger Caras

12-08-2005, 05:04 AM	#332
Outtahere Thinks s/he gets paid by the post Join Date: Sep 2005 Posts: 1,678	Re: Its funny joke Thursday! Three old ladies named Gertrude, Maude and Tilly were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the park. The flasher approached the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat. Gertrude immediately had a stroke. Then Maude also had a stroke. Tilly, bless her heart, being older and more feeble, couldn't reach that far. __________________ Dogs aren't our whole lives, but they make our lives whole. - Roger Caras

12-08-2005, 08:26 AM	#333
REWahoo Moderator Emeritus Join Date: Jun 2002 Location: Texas Hill Country Posts: 11,060	Re: Its funny joke Thursday! Many years ago, Mrs. Jarhead was waiting in the car outside her daughter’s school. She was picking her up after shopping at the market and, at her husband’s request, buying yet another half-dozen loaves of fresh wheat bread. Mrs. Jarhead had never understood her husband’s insatiable appetite for wheat bread, but it seemed harmless enough so she always kept a good supply on hand. On the way home from school, her young daughter asked, “Mom, where do babies come from?” Mrs. Jarhead had known this question was coming someday, and had vowed she would be open and straightfoward when it did. “Honey”, she said, “babies come from sex.” She then gave her young daughter a short lesson in the facts of life. “OK”, replied her daughter. “I have another question. What is oral sex?” Mrs. Jarhead smiled and said. “Honey, that’s where jewelry comes from.” __________________ [MODERATOR EDIT]

12-08-2005, 06:45 PM	#334
Eagle43 Thinks s/he gets paid by the post Join Date: Jan 2005 Posts: 1,645	Re: Its funny joke Thursday! Christmas Cookie Ingredients: 1 cup of water* * * * lemon juice 1 tsp baking soda* * 4 large eggs 1 cup of sugar * * * 1 cup nuts 1 tsp salt* * * * * * 2 cups of dried fruit 1 cup of brown sugar 1 bottle Jack Daniel's Whiskey Sample the Jack Daniel's to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the Jack Daniel's again, to be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Turn on the electric mixer...Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar...Beat again. At this point it's best to make sure the Jack Daniel's is still OK, try another cup just in case. Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit, Pick the frigging fruit off floor... Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the Jack Daniel's to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt, or something. Who giveshz a sheet. Check the Jack Daniel's. Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the Dack Janiels and make sure to put the stove in the dishwasher. Y'all didn't know the Eagle could cook... Did you? __________________ To sit back hoping that someday, someway, someone will make things right is to go on feeding the crocodile, hoping he will eat you last--but eat you he will. Ronald Reagan Disclaimer: My Posts are for my amusement only.

12-10-2005, 09:56 AM	#335
REWahoo Moderator Emeritus Join Date: Jun 2002 Location: Texas Hill Country Posts: 11,060	Re: Its funny joke Thursday! JG's spouse was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes." The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you,but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!" The woman said, "That's okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to." The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me." So she's the most beautiful woman in the world! For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you." The woman said,"That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine." So, she's the richest woman in the world! The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack." __________________ [MODERATOR EDIT]

12-10-2005, 06:03 PM	#337
Outtahere Thinks s/he gets paid by the post Join Date: Sep 2005 Posts: 1,678	Re: Its funny joke Thursday! Worried that woman might be your wife JG? LOL __________________ Dogs aren't our whole lives, but they make our lives whole. - Roger Caras