Join Early Retirement Today
Reply
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread Display Modes
Old 06-01-2014, 11:41 PM   #3421
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
NW-Bound's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 16,532
Two friends stumbled out of a bar late at night. One told the other, "I want to show you the apartment I just moved in. It's just around the corner".

At the apartment, the visiting friend saw a big gong hung on the wall, with a hammer dangling besides it. He asked "What the heck is this?". The other guy said "It's a talking clock". The visitor was incredulous "What are you talking about?".

The other guy said, "Lemme show you". H picked up the hammer and hit the gong hard.

At the other side of the wall came a loud complaint: "Good lord! Have mercy! It's two in the morning."
__________________

__________________
"Old age is the most unexpected of all things that can happen to a man" -- Leo Tolstoy
NW-Bound is offline   Reply With Quote
Join the #1 Early Retirement and Financial Independence Forum Today - It's Totally Free!

Are you planning to be financially independent as early as possible so you can live life on your own terms? Discuss successful investing strategies, asset allocation models, tax strategies and other related topics in our online forum community. Our members range from young folks just starting their journey to financial independence, military retirees and even multimillionaires. No matter where you fit in you'll find that Early-Retirement.org is a great community to join. Best of all it's totally FREE!

You are currently viewing our boards as a guest so you have limited access to our community. Please take the time to register and you will gain a lot of great new features including; the ability to participate in discussions, network with our members, see fewer ads, upload photographs, create a retirement blog, send private messages and so much, much more!

Old 06-02-2014, 07:03 AM   #3422
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
REWahoo's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Texas Hill Country
Posts: 39,409
News you really didn't need to know - a Maryland television news broadcast during an early morning report:

"The farmers in Annapolis Valley are pleased to announce that this year there will be an abundance of apples. This is particularly good news because most of the farmers haven't had a good crap in years."
__________________

__________________
Numbers is hard.

Retired in 2005 at age 58, no pension

REWahoo is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-02-2014, 01:05 PM   #3423
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
NW-Bound's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 16,532
A guy sitting at the bar counter turned to the woman sitting next to him and asked "Can I tell you a blonde joke?".

The woman said, flexing her bicep, "Don't you see that I am blonde? I lift weight everyday. And see my two friends to the other side of me? They are both blonde, and one is a kickboxer, and the other a karate instructor. Still want to tell a blonde joke?".

The man shrugged and said "No, I change my mind. I don't want to explain the joke three times".
__________________
"Old age is the most unexpected of all things that can happen to a man" -- Leo Tolstoy
NW-Bound is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-02-2014, 03:04 PM   #3424
Moderator
Walt34's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Eastern WV Panhandle
Posts: 14,371
Translation of terms:
Attached Images
File Type: jpg ladyterms.JPG (95.6 KB, 55 views)
__________________
I heard the call to do nothing. So I answered it.
Walt34 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-02-2014, 04:06 PM   #3425
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Nemo2's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Belleville, ONT
Posts: 2,561
Woman:
Do you drink beer?
Man: Yes

Woman:
How many beers a day?

Man:
Usually about 3

Woman:
How much do you pay per beer?

Man: $5.00 which includes a tip

Woman:
And how long have you been drinking?

Man:
About 20 years, I suppose

Woman:
So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 correct?

Man:
Correct

Woman:
If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past
20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?

Man:
Correct

Woman:
Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting
for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

Man:
Do you drink beer?

Woman:
No

Man:
Where's your Ferrari?
__________________
"Exit, pursued by a bear."

The Winter's Tale, William Shakespeare
Nemo2 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-02-2014, 05:05 PM   #3426
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
NW-Bound's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 16,532
An engineer died and was sent down to hell.

He saw that people were suffering from heat. So, he set out to repair the A/C. Then, the next thing was the fridge. And then, the big screen TV. Soon, people were relaxing in their chair, drinking cool cocktails, watching sports games...

God heard the laughter, looked down and did not like what he saw. God called to the Devil, "Hey, that engineer does not belong down there. It's a mistake. He should be up here".

The Devil said, "No way I'll let him go. What are you going to do? Sue me? Do you have any lawyer up there?".
__________________
"Old age is the most unexpected of all things that can happen to a man" -- Leo Tolstoy
NW-Bound is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-19-2014, 08:27 PM   #3427
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
Midpack's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Chicagoland
Posts: 10,696
At breakfast, the husband says to his wife "What would you do if I won the Lotto?"

"I'd take half and leave you" she says.

"Great" he says. "Here's $6. I won $12 yesterday! Stay in touch."
__________________
No one agrees with other people's opinions; they merely agree with their own opinions -- expressed by somebody else. Sydney Tremayne
Retired Jun 2011 at age 57

Target AA: 60% equity funds / 35% bond funds / 5% cash
Target WR: Approx 2.5% Approx 20% SI (secure income, SS only)
Midpack is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-21-2014, 11:38 AM   #3428
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
imoldernu's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Illinois and Florida
Posts: 3,935
Wrong day... couldn't wait:

.................................................. .
Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month.
By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it.
I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, --- when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.
My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.
Be aware that it is an OFFENSE under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.
Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete.
I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.
Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.
I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.
As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further.
When you call me, press buttons as follows:
IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH
#1. To make an appointment to see me
#2. To query a missing payment.
#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
#4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required.
Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.
#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7 again
#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry.
The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
#10. This is a second reminder to press* for English.
While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I belatedly wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year?
Your Humble Client
And remember: Don't make old people mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to piss us off.
______________
__________________
imoldernu is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-23-2014, 12:22 PM   #3429
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
Chuckanut's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: West of the Mississippi
Posts: 5,213
Here are a few jokes meant for those who kept awake in math and science classes:

"Helium walks into a bar and orders a beer, the bartender says
"Sorry, we don't serve noble gasses here."
He doesn't react.

14 Highly Intellectual Jokes You Probably Won't Understand

But, I think this elite group will.
__________________
The worst decisions are usually made in times of anger and impatience.
Chuckanut is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-23-2014, 02:14 PM   #3430
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
imoldernu's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Illinois and Florida
Posts: 3,935
Three logicians walk into a bar. The Bartender asks "Do all of you want a drink?"

The first logician says "I don't know."

The second logician says "I don't know."

The third logician says "Yes"

......................
What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
__________________
imoldernu is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-23-2014, 02:55 PM   #3431
Moderator
Alan's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Eee Bah Gum
Posts: 19,044
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chuckanut View Post
Here are a few jokes meant for those who kept awake in math and science classes:

"Helium walks into a bar and orders a beer, the bartender says
"Sorry, we don't serve noble gasses here."
He doesn't react.

14 Highly Intellectual Jokes You Probably Won't Understand

But, I think this elite group will.
Brilliant!!

One that wasn't in that list is on a T-Shirt DD bought DW,

"There are 10 types of people in the world. Those who understand binary, and those who don't".
__________________
Retired in Jan, 2010 at 55
Now it's adventure before dementia
Alan is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 06-24-2014, 06:20 PM   #3432
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: North Bay
Posts: 1,010
Quote:
Originally Posted by imoldernu View Post
What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
Got a smile and a chuckle from me. :thumbup:
__________________
scrinch is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-27-2014, 10:43 AM   #3433
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
robnplunder's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Bay Area
Posts: 2,016
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chuckanut View Post
Here are a few jokes meant for those who kept awake in math and science classes:

"Helium walks into a bar and orders a beer, the bartender says
"Sorry, we don't serve noble gasses here."
He doesn't react.

14 Highly Intellectual Jokes You Probably Won't Understand

But, I think this elite group will.
Way beyond my comprehension . The joke is on me.
__________________
Pura Vida
robnplunder is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 06-27-2014, 03:23 PM   #3434
Full time employment: Posting here.
Tailgate's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 782
Teen bears
Attached Images
File Type: jpg Untitled attachment 00387.jpg (68.8 KB, 25 views)
__________________
Tailgate is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-27-2014, 09:25 PM   #3435
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
imoldernu's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Illinois and Florida
Posts: 3,935
Whenever you're feeling bad, and things aren't going the way you want, here's a place that will make you feel better. It's the Net10 Happiness website.
Don't bother reading the whole thing... Just skip thru a few of comments and your outlook on your own life will change.

Top 341 Complaints and Reviews about Net10

I went to the site to air a grievance, but found this partial comment, and realized I couldn't do any better.
Quote:
This afternoon I was ready to drive to Central America, swim across the Panama Canal and walk 700 miles to the Net10 call center in Guyana and ** slap everyone there into the middle of next week. Now, I think I am going to get the sim card, use my month of airtime (if they let me) and then find another provider. There are several available now with no contracts. It's a great phone but I can get the same phone with someone else. I can't take anymore. I can't afford anymore. They're just killing me. THEY ARE SUCKING AWAY MY WILL TO LIVE.

And I know.... that in 3 to 5 days when the new sim card arrives and I call them, my number will likely be no longer available. Monday, look up in the sky around 2pm (when the mail arrives) and see if you can see a mushroom cloud in Ohio. That would be me.

Net10 phones should come with a warning: THIS PHONE MAY CAUSE SUICIDAL AND/OR HOMICIDAL IDEATION, SPONTANEOUS COMBUSTION, SELF IMMOLATION, MAJOR DEPRESSION, PSYCHOSIS AND PROFOUND DESPONDENCY. Whatever you do, don't use Net10. DON'T USE NET10. If you are already using them, never ever EVER call their Customer-No-Service hotline and please have an escape plan using another carrier. Do whatever you can online instead. Their call center is a Pandora's Box of pain and regret. And when the huge tsunami of incompetence washes away your hope of a working phone, don't say you weren't warned.
__________________
imoldernu is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-03-2014, 07:25 PM   #3436
Recycles dryer sheets
Revlefty's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Highland
Posts: 177
You might be a hick if you wipe your shoes off before going outside.
__________________
Revlefty is offline   Reply With Quote
Husband Wanted
Old 07-05-2014, 06:24 PM   #3437
Recycles dryer sheets
hakuna matata's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Small town outside of Seattle
Posts: 443
Husband Wanted

A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married. She put an ad in the local paper that read:

"HUSBAND WANTED!
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME AND
MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON."
On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheel chair. He had no arms or legs.
The old woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?
Just look at you . . . you have no legs!"
The old man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on you!"
She snorted. "You don't have any hands either!"
Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!"
She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently. "Are you still good in bed?"
With that, the old gentleman leaned back, beamed a big broad smile and said, "I rang the doorbell didn't I?"
__________________
hakuna matata is offline   Reply With Quote
Life is Bass Ackwards
Old 07-05-2014, 06:26 PM   #3438
Recycles dryer sheets
hakuna matata's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Small town outside of Seattle
Posts: 443
Life is Bass Ackwards

I think the life cycle is all backwards.
You should start out dead and get it out of the way.
Then, you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day.
You get kicked out for being too healthy and go collect your pension.
Then when you start to work, there is no intense training are there no nerve-wracking interviews. You simply give them a gold watch on your first day and you're all set.
You work forty years, each arriving with fewer and fewer stressful responsibilities, until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement where you drink alcohol, party, and are generally promiscuous as you get ready for high school.
Then you go to primary school, you become a kid. You play, you have no responsibilities, you become a baby, and then . . .
You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions, central heating, room service on tap, and then you finish off as blissful explosion!
I rest my case.
__________________
hakuna matata is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-09-2014, 03:04 PM   #3439
Full time employment: Posting here.
Tailgate's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 782
Why did the chicken cross the road?


SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because, gosh-darn it, he's a maverick!

BARACK OBAMA: Let me be perfectly clear, if the chickens like their eggs they can keep their eggs. No chicken will be required to cross the road to surrender her eggs. Period.

JOHN McCAIN: My friends, the chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

HILLARY CLINTON: What difference at this point does it make why the chicken crossed the road.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or against us. There is no middle ground here.

DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?

COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken.

AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white?

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he is acting by not taking on his current problems before adding any new problems.

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross the road so badly. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a NEW CAR so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

ANDERSON COOPER: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way the chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heartwarming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2014, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of Chicken 2014. This new platform is much more stable and will never reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?
__________________
Tailgate is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-13-2014, 05:24 PM   #3440
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
mickeyd's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Texas~29N/98W
Posts: 5,695
Get a piece of paper to write down your answers to 30 questions and then check them at the end!! DON'T CHEAT! If you do cheat, it really is not all that much fun! And, yes, the answers are at the bottom of the page, but don't cheat - you can do it!

1. On a standard traffic light, is the green on the top or bottom?
2. How many states are there? ( don't laugh, some people don't know)
3. In which hand is the Statue of Liberty's torch?
4. What 6 colors are on the classic Campbell's soup label?
5. What 2 letters don't appear on the telephone dial? ( no cheating)!
6. What 2 telephone #'s don't have letters by them?
7. When you walk does your left arm swing w/your right or left leg?
8. How many matches are in a standard pack?
9. On our flag, is the top stripe red or white?
10. What is the lowest # on the FM dial?
11. Which way does water go down the drain, counter or clockwise?
12. Which way does a "no smoking" sign's slash run?
13. How many channels on a VHF TV dial?
14. Which side of a women's blouse are the buttons on?
15. On a NY license plate, is New York on the top or bottom?
16. Which way do fans rotate?
17. Whose face is on a dime?
18. How many sides does a stop sign have?
19. Do books have even # pages on the right or left side?
20. How many lug nuts are on a standard car wheel?
21. How many sides are there on a standard pencil?
22. Sleepy, Happy, Sneezy, Grumpy, Dopey, Doc. Who's missing?
23. How many hot dog buns are in a standard package?
25. On which card is the cardmaker's trademark?
26. On which side of a venetian blind is the cord that adjusts the opening between the slats?
27. On the back of a one dollar bill, what is in the center?
28. There are 12 buttons on a touch tone phone. What 2 symbols bear no digits?
29. How many curves are in a standard paper clip?
30. Does a merry-go-round turn counter or clockwise?




Here are the answers! No peeking!!!! Scroll Down! I said no peeking!!!!!




1. Bottom
2. 50 (please tell me you at least got this one!)
3. right
4. blue, red, white, yellow, black, and gold ( Did you see blue? i didn't)
5. Q, Z
6. 1, 0
7. left
8 20
9. red
10. 88
11. Counter (unless you happen to be south of the equator)
12. towards bottom right
13. 12 (no #1)
14. Right
15. top
16. Clockwise as you look at it
17. Roosevelt
18. 8 What about the front side and back side? I think it also could be.
19. left
20. 5
21. 6
22. Bashful
23. 6 it's really 8. (someone messed up here.)
24. did you notice there wasn't one? (question was NOT included when I got the quiz..sorry)
25. Ace of spades
26. left
27. ONE
28. *, #
29. 3
30. counter


Scoring

30-28 Mensa is calling, genius
25-27 Not too shabby
20-24 You could do better
16-19 McDonald's is calling (would you like fries w/ that)?
15-00 Shucks! Being blind wouldn't affect you one bit!
__________________

__________________
Part-Owner of Texas

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. Groucho Marx

In dire need of: faster horses, younger woman, older whiskey, more money.
mickeyd is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
A new low - this has got to be a joke Cool Dood FIRE and Money 9 07-11-2006 05:05 PM
Funny Joke Friday. Cut-Throat Other topics 1 07-07-2006 04:48 PM
Funny Car Ad TromboneAl Other topics 2 07-01-2005 09:21 PM

 

 
All times are GMT -6. The time now is 08:54 PM.
 
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.8 Beta 1
Copyright ©2000 - 2016, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.