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Old 07-15-2014, 12:17 PM   #3441
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I am sort of mildly ashamed to be laughing my ass off at this:

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Old 07-17-2014, 08:00 AM   #3442
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Time is like a river. You cannot touch the water twice, because the flow that has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every moment of life. As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.

I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Apparently, I'm still lost....it's a man thing.
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Old 07-17-2014, 08:54 AM   #3443
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Woman is happy in retirement, but has one more thing left on her bucket list: she has always wanted a talking parrot.

She buys a beautiful talking parrot. She delights in talking to the parrot, but a few days later, he lets himself out of the cage when she is away. He then rips up the drapes, defecates on the sofa and claws the coffee table.

The woman loves the parrot, but has to improve his behavior. She takes the parrot to the vet and explains. Vet says "Easy. Put him in the freezer overnight. You will have no further behavioral problems."

The woman is skeptical, but desperate. That evening, she removes the parrot from his cage and says "Your behavior is unacceptable. You will be spending the night in the freezer." The parrot shrugs as she locks him in the freezer.

In the morning, the woman is quite worried about the parrot, but puts on a stern face when opening the freezer. "Well? Have you learned your lesson?"

The parrot is quaking in the cold. He meekly nods and says "Just one question." He looks to his left. "What did the chicken do?"
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Lonely?
Old 07-17-2014, 09:17 AM   #3444
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Lonely?

hold a meeting
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Old 07-25-2014, 12:51 PM   #3445
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Airline joke

What's the difference between a flight attendant and a water buffalo?
About 20 Lbs.
How do you fix it?
Either force feed the buffalo or shave the attendant.
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Old 07-25-2014, 12:56 PM   #3446
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So my wife and I were celebrating our 36th wedding anniversary. We had a really fancy dinner planned, and she was getting ready. I WAS ready, and watching a football game on TV, waiting for her.

She stepped out of the shower, and stood in front of the mirror. She started in
"Look at my boobs; could they sag anymore?
Look at my legs, all those varicose veins
And my belly! I look like I'm pregnant!"

She turned to me, tears in her eyes

"I need a compliment, and I need it right now"!

Well, I admit, she caught me flat footed. I mean, I was watching a football game, not really paying attention to what she was saying (remember, married 36 years) and so I said the first thing that came to mind.

"Well" I said
"You have really good eyesight"

Dinner was a quiet affair that night.
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Old 07-25-2014, 12:58 PM   #3447
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Schutzie View Post
Airline joke

What's the difference between a flight attendant and a water buffalo?
About 20 Lbs.
How do you fix it?
Either force feed the buffalo or shave the attendant.

Ya, where did all the 1980s stewardesses go to? I get rammed in the shoulder by their "hip checks" so often I may need shoulder replacement surgery.... Oh wait maybe they are the 1980s flight attendants, just 30 years older..


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Old 07-31-2014, 06:16 PM   #3448
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Q: Why did the dog sit in the shade?
A: Because he didn't want to be a hot dog!


*snicker*


A blonde walks into the library. She walks up to the counter, SLAMS a book down and screams at the librarian, - "This is the WORST book I've ever read!" "It has NO plot and far too many characters!" The librarian looks up and calmly remarks -"So, you're the one who took our phone book..."


*snort*


Steve lies dying, as Jack, his law partner of 40 years, sits at his bedside.
"Jack, I've got to confess -- I've been sleeping with your wife for 30 years, I'm the father of your daughter, and I've been stealing from the firm for a decade."
"Relax," says Jack, "and don't think another thing about it. I'm the one who put arsenic in your martini."


BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
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Old 08-08-2014, 08:55 AM   #3449
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A husband concerned about his wife's whereabouts goes to the police station to file a "missing person" report for his missing wife:

Husband: My wife is missing; she went shopping and hasn't come back yet.

Inspector: What is her height ?
Husband: No idea.

Inspector: Slim or healthy?
Husband: Not slim, so probably healthy.

Inspector: Color of eyes?
Husband: Never really noticed.

Inspector: Color of hair?
Husband: Changes according to season.

Inspector: What was she wearing?
Husband: Not sure . It may have been a dress or maybe trousers and a top.

Inspector: Was she driving?
Husband: Yes.

Inspector: Type and color of the car?
Husband: A silver Audi A8 with 4.2 liter V8 TDI engine generating 321 horse power teamed with a 6 speed tiptronic automatic transmission with manual mode. It has full adaptive LED headlights, which use light emitting diodes for all light functions. It has a very thin scratch on the front left door. At this point, the husband starts crying.

Inspector: Don't worry sir. We will find your car.
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Old 08-08-2014, 10:14 AM   #3450
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Quote:
Originally Posted by braumeister View Post
A husband concerned about his wife's whereabouts goes to the police station to file a "missing person" report for his missing wife:

Husband: My wife is missing; she went shopping and hasn't come back yet.

Inspector: What is her height ?
Husband: No idea.

Inspector: Slim or healthy?
Husband: Not slim, so probably healthy.

Inspector: Color of eyes?
Husband: Never really noticed.

Inspector: Color of hair?
Husband: Changes according to season.

Inspector: What was she wearing?
Husband: Not sure . It may have been a dress or maybe trousers and a top.

Inspector: Was she driving?
Husband: Yes.

Inspector: Type and color of the car?
Husband: A silver Audi A8 with 4.2 liter V8 TDI engine generating 321 horse power teamed with a 6 speed tiptronic automatic transmission with manual mode. It has full adaptive LED headlights, which use light emitting diodes for all light functions. It has a very thin scratch on the front left door. At this point, the husband starts crying.

Inspector: Don't worry sir. We will find your car.

Chuckle. I thought the punch line was going to be ....

Inspector: When did she go missing?
Husband: Some 25 years ago.
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Old 08-14-2014, 08:14 AM   #3451
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Of course I can keep a secret... It's the people hat I tell it to that can't.
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Retired husbands
Old 08-15-2014, 02:59 PM   #3452
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Retired husbands

It is important for men to remember that as women grow older it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as they did when they were younger. When men notice this, they should try not to yell. Let me relate how I handle the situation.
When I got laid off from my job and took "early retirement" in April, it became necessary for Barbara to continue her full-time job, both for extra income and for health benefits that we need. It was shortly after she started working that I noticed that she was beginning to show her age.

I usually get home from golf about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says that she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts supper. I try not to yell, instead I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she finally does get supper on the table.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. It is now not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after supper. I do what I can by reminding her several times each evening that they aren't cleaning themselves. I know she appreciates this, as it does seem to help her get them done before she goes to bed.

Now that she is older she seems to get tired so much more quickly. Our washer and dryer are in the hall. Sometimes she says she just can't make another trip
down the hall. I don't make a big issue of this. As long as she finishes up the laundry the next evening, I am willing to overlook it. Not only that, but unless I
need something ironed to wear to the Club meeting or to Wednesday's or
Saturday's poker club or to Tuesday's or Thursday's bowling or something like that, I will tell her to wait until the next evening to do the ironing.

This gives her a little more time to do some of those odds and ends things like shampooing the dog, vacuuming or dusting. Also, if I have had a really good day
fishing, this allows her to gut and scale the fish at a more leisurely pace.

Barbara is starting to complain a little occasionally. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. In spite of her complaining, I continue to try to offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any, if you know what I mean.

When doing simple jobs she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to
embarrass her when she needs these little extra rest breaks. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. I tell her that as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me and take her break by the hammock so she can talk with me until I fall asleep.
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Barbara on a daily basis. I'm not saying that the ability to show this much consideration is easy.
Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible. No one knows better than I do how frustrating women can become as they get older.

However, guys, even if you just yell at your wife a little less often because of this article, I will consider that writing it was worthwhile.

Signed, Bob
Note: Bob's funeral was on Saturday, May 25th. Barbara was acquitted Monday, May 27th.
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Old 08-15-2014, 04:00 PM   #3453
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Quote:
Originally Posted by brewer12345 View Post
I am sort of mildly ashamed to be laughing my ass off at this:


Hey! I resemble that accent.
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Old 08-19-2014, 10:47 PM   #3454
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An optimist thinks that life can't get any better and the pessimist thinks the optimist is right.
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And For All of You Conspiracy Theory Folks....
Old 08-20-2014, 11:02 PM   #3455
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And For All of You Conspiracy Theory Folks....

mitchell webb moon - Bing Videos
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Old 08-21-2014, 08:05 AM   #3456
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just a quick trip
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Seen on the sidebar...
Old 08-21-2014, 05:06 PM   #3457
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Seen on the sidebar...

Electricity jokes...shocking!
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Old 08-25-2014, 11:32 PM   #3458
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Heart surgeon brings his car in for service. Seems it needs a 'valve' job. The mechanic performs the work. Coming in to pick up the car, the mechanic says, "Say doc, why is it when I do a valve job, it costs $500. But when you do it, you charge $50,000?"

Doc looks at him thoughtfully, and says, "Well, when I do it, the engine is running."
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Old 08-29-2014, 12:45 PM   #3459
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Old 08-31-2014, 08:55 AM   #3460
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Guess it's a good thing tickets to Australia are expensive


A tourist in Australia was driving through the Australian Outback when he noticed a man on the side of the road having sex with a kangaroo.

A few kilometers further on he came upon a small Outback town, parked his car and went into the pub for a drink.

He grabbed a beer and had a look around the bar and noticed a one legged guy sitting in the corner masturbating without a care in the world.

The tourist turned to the barman and said, "What sort of country is this?

A few kilometers down the road there was a guy having sex with a kangaroo and that guy in the corner is masturbating in full view of everyone."

The barman said, "You heartless bastard, he's only got one leg, how do you expect him to catch a kangaroo?"
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