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Old 09-18-2014, 06:35 PM   #3501
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Yes, good joke, but be aware that it's just a joke.

snopes.com: Good Luck, Mr. Gorsky!
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Old 09-19-2014, 09:50 AM   #3502
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A blonde cop stops a blonde driver and asks for identification.

The blonde driver looks all around in her purse and can’t find her license. “I must have left it at home, officer.”

“Well, do you have any kind of identification on you?” asks the cop.

The blonde takes out a pocket mirror and says, “I do have this picture of me.”

“Let me see it,” says the cop. She holds up the mirror and looks in it. Then she says, “Sorry. If I had known you were a police officer, I wouldn’t have stopped you.”
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Heard at the water cooler
Old 09-25-2014, 10:57 AM   #3503
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Heard at the water cooler

Adult content warning!

Tom is a first line supervisor at a large company, one day upper management informs him that he must lay off one of his employees. After going through the list several times he narrows it down to either Mary or Jack, both are about equal in skill and seniority, he decides that whichever one goes to the water cooler first on Monday morning, he’ll give them the bad news. On Monday Mary comes in with a hangover from the weekend, she gets a couple aspirins from her desk and goes to the water cooler.
Tom is waiting and says “Mary, I’ve never done anything like this before but I have to lay you or Jack off.”
Mary says “Well you better jack-off because with this headache I’m not feeling up to it.”
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Old 09-26-2014, 08:15 AM   #3504
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So my wife were walking and a young lady was jogging behind us. As she approached to pass us I said Hi, she said Hi, and I said nice shirt (a reward for completing local 5 mile race) she replied thanks. My wife say’s after a few min. what a nice young lady. I say – that was your daughter!
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Old 09-28-2014, 06:08 PM   #3505
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Health Warning! Do Not shampoo in the shower.
It's so good to finally get a health warning that is useful. It involves the shampoo when it runs down your body when you are showering with it.
I don't know why I didn't figure this out sooner. I use shampoo in the shower. When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body, and printed very clearly on the shampoo label this warning: "FOR EXTRA BODY AND VOLUME."
No wonder I've been gaining weight.
Well, I got rid of that shampoo and I am going to start showering with Dawn Dishwashing Soap. It's label reads, "DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFICULT TO REMOVE."
Problem solved!!!!
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Old 09-28-2014, 06:54 PM   #3506
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Health Warning! Do Not shampoo in the shower.
It's so good to finally get a health warning that is useful. It involves the shampoo when it runs down your body when you are showering with it.
I don't know why I didn't figure this out sooner. I use shampoo in the shower. When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body, and printed very clearly on the shampoo label this warning: "FOR EXTRA BODY AND VOLUME."
No wonder I've been gaining weight.
Well, I got rid of that shampoo and I am going to start showering with Dawn Dishwashing Soap. It's label reads, "DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFICULT TO REMOVE."
Problem solved!!!!
Shouldn't this be in the "Health and Early Retirement" forum :-).
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Old 10-03-2014, 02:44 PM   #3507
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The Will
>>
>> Doug Smith is on his deathbed and knows the end is near. His
>> nurse, his wife, his daughter
>> and 2 sons, are with him. He asks for 2 witnesses to be
>> present and a camcorder be in place to record his last
>> wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak: My son,
>> "Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses."
>> My daughter "Sybil, you take the apartments over in the
>> east end." My son, "Jamie, I want you to take the
>> offices over in the City Centre."
> "Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the
>> residential buildings on the banks of the
>> river."
>> The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not
>> realize his extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the
>> nurse says, "Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been
>> such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this
>> property". Sarah replies, "Property ? .... the
>> asshole had a paper route!"
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Old 10-09-2014, 05:34 AM   #3508
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Not to brag or anything, but I just finished a 14-day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
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Old 10-10-2014, 11:03 PM   #3509
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Originally Posted by jon-nyc View Post
Not to brag or anything, but I just finished a 14-day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
lol! I understand that one. DW went on Nutrisystem at one point, and I tried eating some of their food. It would take about 3 dinners to satisfy me for lunch.
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Old 10-13-2014, 10:20 PM   #3510
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After a man retired, his wife insisted that he accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, he found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, his wife, like most women, loved to browse. After several months of retirement and trailing along with his wife, she received the following letter from the local Target.

Dear Mrs. Harris,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Fifteen complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at five-minute intervals.

July 7: With a jar of brown gravy he made a trail on the floor leading to the both the ladies' and men's restrooms.

July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, "Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away." This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

August 14: Moved a CAUTION - WET FLOOR sign to a carpeted area.

August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children of shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department. Twenty children obliged.

August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying. He screamed, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?" EMTs were called.

September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were

October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled, "PICK ME! PICK ME!"

October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed "OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!"

And last, but not least...

October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here." One of the clerks fainted.
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Old 10-15-2014, 08:50 AM   #3511
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After 40 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling.

The wife went into a tirade, listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on, she went:
neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.

Finally, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking
the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her, long and passionately, as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow.

The woman shut up, and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"

"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Friday I fish.
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Old 10-16-2014, 01:43 PM   #3512
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when it comes to puns, resistance is futile!
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Old 10-17-2014, 04:30 PM   #3513
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A tweak on a commercial:
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Old 10-17-2014, 06:25 PM   #3514
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A teacher was trying to teach her class about right and wrong.

She said, "If I get into a man's pocket and take his wallet with all the money, what would I be?".

Little boy raised his hand, "You would be his wife".
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Old 10-17-2014, 06:51 PM   #3515
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PBD is toast -

Obituary for Pillsbury Dough Boy

The Pillsbury Dough Boy died yesterday of a yeast infection and traumatic complications from repeatedly being poked in his belly during his lifetime. The veteran Pillsbury spokesman was 71. Dough Boy is survived by his wife, Play Dough; three children, John Dough, Jane Dough, and Dill Dough; plus they also had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

Services were held yesterday at 350 for about 20 minutes.

Dough Boy (DB) was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.

Longtime friend, Aunt Jemima, delivered the eulogy, describing DB as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. DB rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers.

He was not considered a very “smart” cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, but was thought of a roll model for millions. Toward the end, it was thought he would rise again, but alas, he remained unleavened.
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Old 10-17-2014, 06:52 PM   #3516
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Quote:
Originally Posted by imoldernu View Post
After a man retired, his wife insisted that he accompany her on her trips to Target. <snip>
That one reminded me of this one:

His wife nagged him to go to the mall with her for the day because she didn't like shopping alone, and he finally gave in. They went in and out of stores for hours with the husband dutifully tagging along.

Then the wife looked around and didn't see him anywhere.

Angrily, she calls his cell and asks where the hell he is.

He says, "Dear, do you remember when we were first married, and we were window shopping at the jewelry store at this mall? And you pointed out a diamond necklace and how much you loved it, and I felt terrible that I had to tell you I couldn't afford it, but maybe someday?"

Now all sweetness and light, she says, "Oh, honey, yes, I remember that store!
He says, "Well, I'm in the bar right next to it."
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Old 10-17-2014, 07:33 PM   #3517
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Q. How many 16-year-olds does it take to change a light bulb?

A. Whatever.
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Old 10-26-2014, 04:13 PM   #3518
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Rules For Entering Texas

Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.

Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.

It's called a 'gravel road'. I drive a pickup truck because I need to.

No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.

They are pigs, cattle, and oil wells. That's what they smell like to you. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-40 and I-10 go east and west, I-35 goes north and south. Pick one.

So you have a sixty-thousand dollar car. We're real impressed. We have quarter-million dollar cotton strippers that we drive three weeks a year.

So every person in every pickup waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.

Trucks are made to get dirty. Don't bring your Eddie Bauer Limited Edition to my hunting camp and expect to leave clean on Sunday. It won't happen.

We all started hunting and fishing when we were nine years old. Yeah, well if that cell phone rings while a bunch of doves are coming in,we Will shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.

Go ahead and bring your $800 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't cry to us if a flathead breaks it off at the handle.

We have a name for that little 13-inch trout you fish for---bait.

Yeah, we eat catfish, carp, and crawdads. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.

The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.

Any references to "corn fed" when talking about our women will get you jack-slapped, by our women.

Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks - because they want to.

Our women are some of the best looking in the country.We open doors for women. That applies to everyone regardless of age.

No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.

When we fill out a table there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables,and breads. We use three spices- salt, pepper, and Tabasco Sauce.

You bring "Coke" into my house it better be brown, wet, served over ice, and plenty of it. You bring "Mary Jane" to my house she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.

Yeah, we have sweet tea. It comes in a glass with two packets of sugar, some lemon, and a long spoon.

That's right. Whiskey is only two bucks. We can buy a fifth for what you paid for that shot in the airport at New York, Boston, Chicago, or L.A.

High School Football is as important here as the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch.

Two kinds of SPURS~one ya wear and one you watch.

Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazards - it spooks the fish.

Colleges? Try Texas A&M. They come out of there with an education and a love for God and country, and they still wave at passing pickups when they come home for the holidays.

We have more Navy, Army, Marines, and Air Force than any other state, so, "Don't Mess With Texas". If you do it will get your butt kicked by the best!

Our Military is only used as a back up. Per capita, each man, woman, and child owns at least two firearms and has taken a NRA Certified Shooter Education Course.

Also, remember what Governor Sam Houston once said, "Texas can make it without the United States, but the United States can't make it without Texas.
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Old 10-26-2014, 04:53 PM   #3519
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We have more Navy, Army, Marines, and Air Force than any other state, so, "Don't Mess With Texas". If you do it will get your butt kicked by the best!
I know this was supposed to be humorous, but point of fact, TX is only third in military population after California and Virginia. So is it "Don't Mess With California"?
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Old 10-29-2014, 07:36 AM   #3520
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Rules For Entering Texas

Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.

So every person in every pickup waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.

High School Football is as important here as the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch.
These three resonate the most for me.

I do miss the waving.
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