It's funny joke Thursday! 2005 - 2020

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I often search for clever restaurant names for my books, and a lot of these were funny:

Some of those were good. I saw they got the Chicago hot dog stand, "The Wieners Circle", but there is also a suburban stand with a pretty good name, "Mustard’s Last Stand".

And then there was the fictional Beauty Shop in "The Blues Brothers", "Curl Up & Dye".

-ERD50
 
I Had it All

Today in California, I spoke with a homeless man and asked him how he ended up this way.





He said, "Up until last week, I still had it all. I had plenty to eat, my clothes were washed and pressed. I had a roof over my head, I had HDTV and Internet, and I went to the gym, the pool, and the library. "I was working on my MBA online. I had no bills and no debt. I even had full medical coverage.








I felt sorry for him, so I asked, "What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce?”









"Oh no, nothing like that," he said. "No, no... I was paroled by Jerry Brown under the early release program."

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Some of those were good. I saw they got the Chicago hot dog stand, "The Wieners Circle", but there is also a suburban stand with a pretty good name, "Mustard’s Last Stand".

And then there was the fictional Beauty Shop in "The Blues Brothers", "Curl Up & Dye".

-ERD50

Don't know if it is still around, but I used to frequent a tequila bar/Mexican restaurant in Omaha that had the unfortunate name of "Eat the Worm." Thank God we were on per diem and I did not have to turn in receipts for meals.
 
Elmer the Blind Man in Salem isn't. Took me awhile to understand why he advertised his handicapability, which he wasn't.
 
I became confused when I heard the word "Service" used with these agencies:

Internal Revenue 'Service'
U.S. Postal 'Service'
Telephone 'Service'
Cable TV 'Service'
State, City, County & Public 'Service'
Customer 'Service'

This is not what I thought 'Service' meant.

But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'Service' a few cows.

BAM!!! It all came into focus. Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us

You are now as enlightened as I am.
 
A tourist visiting China asks a local:
Tourist: which is the name of that mountain?
Local: Which one?
Tourist: Thanks. And the other one?
 
1. The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.

2. My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.

3. My 60 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I’m worried about the 175 pounds I've gained since then.

4. I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they
just give you a bra and say, “Here, fill this out?”

5. Denny’s has a slogan, “If it’s your birthday, the meal is on us.” If
you’re in Denny’s and it’s your birthday, your life sucks!

6. If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple “Thank you” is all I need ...
not all this, “How did you get into my house?” business!

7. The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. I’m pretty sure she’s
going to get me something.

8. On average, an American man will have sex two to three times a week.
Whereas, a Japanese man will have sex only one or two times a year. This
is very upsetting news to me. I had no idea I was Japanese.

9. I can’t understand why women are okay that JC Penney has an older women’s clothing line named, “ Sag Harbor ”

10. I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.

11. What is it about a car that makes people think we can't see them pick their noses?

12. Money can’t buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!

13. The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.
 
I heard this in the Czech movie Closely Watched Trains:

There’s a butcher at the slaughterhouse who likes udders, and at quitting time he puts an udder in his pants to smuggle it out.

But he wasn’t careful, and on the bus, one of the teats sticks out of his fly. The girl next to him points to it, so he takes out his knife and slices it off. The girl screams.

He leans over to her and says, "It’s okay. I have three more."
 
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I heard this in the Czech movie Closely Watched Trains:

There’s a butcher at the slaughterhouse who likes udders, and at quitting time he puts an udder in his pants to smuggle it out.

But he wasn’t careful, and on the bus, one of the teats sticks out of his fly. The girl next to him points to it, so he takes out his knife and slices it off. The girl screams.

He leans over to her and says, "It’s okay. I have three more."

Didn’t see the movie but, he must be a very popular guy! :LOL::popcorn:
 
I did hear about a guy who, having five penises, had to have custom condoms make. He said they fit like a glove.
 
Two men dressed in Airline Pilots uniforms walk up the aisle of the plane.
Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his... way along the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane starts moving faster and faster down the tarmac and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the runway. As it begins to look as though the plane will plow into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin. At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.

The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands. In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says,"You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we are all going to die."
 
Two men dressed in Airline Pilots uniforms walk up the aisle of the plane.
Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his... way along the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane starts moving faster and faster down the tarmac and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the runway. As it begins to look as though the plane will plow into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin. At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.

The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands. In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says,"You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we are all going to die."


ok....eeez a good one.
 
To the lady in Costco who had her son on a leash, I am sorry for asking if he was a rescue. The profanity afterward wasn't necessary, but I appreciate the fact that you didn't sic him on me.
 
Aging Logic

changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People get out of the way much faster now.





Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.







You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone? That's common sense leaving your body.







I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.







I decided to stop calling the bathroom the “John” and renamed it the “Jim”. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.







Old age is coming at a really bad time.







When I was a child I thought “Nap Time” was a punishment. Now, as a grownup, it feels like a small vacation.







The biggest lie I tell myself is..."I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."







I don't have gray hair; I have "wisdom highlights"! I'm just very wise.







If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would've put them on my knees.







Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet.
Why do I have to press one for English when you're just going to transfer me to someone I can’t understand anyway?





Of course I talk to myself; sometimes I need expert advice.







At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.







Actually I'm not complaining because I am a Senager. (Senior teenager) I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later. I don’t have to go to school or work. I get an allowance every month. I have my own pad. I don’t have a curfew. I have a driver’s license and my own car. The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant. And I don’t have acne. Life is great.







I have more friends I should send this to, but right now I can't remember their names.







Now, I’m wondering…did I send this to you, or did you send it to me? :D:LOL::dance::LOL::D


 
Zippers



If this one doesn't make you laugh.....


raw

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting
for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus stopped
As the bus stopped
and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt
was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the
first step of the bus.


Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver,
she reached behind her to unzip her

skirt a little,
thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.


raw


Again, she tried to make the step

only to discover she still
couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again
reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more.

For the second time she attempted the step, and once again,
much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little
smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little
more and again was unable to make

the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her
picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the
step of the bus.


She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and
screeched, "How dare you touch my body!


I don't even know who you are!'

raw


The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I
would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three
times, I kinda figured we was friends."




 
Kids and lemonade stands. This isn't a joke. Really! But, it's funny and I thought this was the best place to put it rather than start a new topic. I don't care for the product myself, but I have to agree their marketing folks hit a home run with this one.

 
The Atheist

Ok, so not Thursday but I was cleaning out some old email folders and found this


An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. "What
majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful
animals!" he said to himself.

As he continued walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in
the
bushes. Turning to look, he saw a 7 foot grizzly charging towards
him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. Looking over
his shoulder he saw that the bear was closing in on
him. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even
faster.

He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to
pick himself up but saw the bear raising his paw to
take a swipe at him. At that instant the atheist cried out: "Oh my
God..."

Time stopped.

The bear froze.

The forest was silent.

It was then that a bright light shone upon the man and a voice came
out of the sky saying: "You deny my existence for all of these years,
teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident.
Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you
as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the li ght, "It would
be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me
as a Christian now, but perhaps, could you make the
BEAR a Christian?"

"Very well," said the voice. The light went out. And
the sounds of the forest resumed.

And then the bear lowered his paw, bowed his head and
spoke:

"Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive and for which I am
truly thankful. Amen."
 
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