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Old 11-07-2014, 07:13 PM   #3561
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Originally Posted by FireBug View Post
Guy gets in a horrible accident. He wakes up with his surgeon looking down at him. Dr. say's, "I'm sorry to say you've been severely injured. I'm afraid to say that I have some bad news for you....but also some good."

Guy, says, "Give it to me straight Doc...what's the bad news?"

Dr. says, "It's your legs. I'm afraid we had to amputate both of them". The fellow looks forlorn, sighs and says, "What's the good news"

The Doc cheerfully responds, "The guy the next bed over there wants to buy your shoes!"

Guy goes to the doctor, has a thorough exam.

Two days later, the doc calls him and says, "I have some bad news and some worse news."

"Geez, what's the bad news?"

"You have 24 hours to live."

"What the hell? What's the worse news?"

"I tried to call you yesterday."
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Old 11-07-2014, 07:47 PM   #3562
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I do 5 sit-ups every morning. That may not sound like much, but there's only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
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Old 11-07-2014, 08:21 PM   #3563
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Originally Posted by jon-nyc View Post
I do 5 sit-ups every morning. That may not sound like much, but there's only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
Moderator...
I think the above quote belongs in "What Was Your Workout Today?" Somehow, it landed in "Its (sic) funny joke Thursday!".
respectfully...
redduck
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Old 11-07-2014, 09:40 PM   #3564
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Originally Posted by TromboneAl View Post
Why did the punk rocker cross the road?
Because he had a chicken stapled to his face.
I find this joke offensive. Staplers are bourgeoisie. We'd have definitely used a safety pin.
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Old 11-07-2014, 09:51 PM   #3565
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From the source:
Quote:
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes, because I know I'm not dumb . . . and I also know I'm not blonde.

- Dolly Parton
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Old 11-08-2014, 10:15 AM   #3566
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Originally Posted by REWahoo View Post
Reminds me of the story I heard in Albuquerque. The convention and visitors bureau ran a contest of the funniest questions members had been asked by tourists. The winner was a question someone called to ask about the events scheduled for the big annual Balloon Festival: "Do you have to be Catholic to attend the mass ascension?"
Good one! For those less familiar with Catholicism, there are actually two words that contribute to this story. I'm sure everyone caught the Mass/mass reference, but Catholics also celebrate the "Feast of the Ascension" (39 days after Easter).

-ERD50
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Old 11-08-2014, 08:45 PM   #3567
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Long ago, a merchant ship was sailing in the Caribbean when it was approached by a pirate ship.

The captain called out to his first mate: "Bring me my red shirt!". After putting on his red shirt, he heroically led the crew to fight and successfully repelled the boarding party.

At that day's evening, as they were celebrating, a sailor asked the captain about the meaning of the red shirt. The captain gave the sailor a fatherly look, and said "If I got wounded in battle, the red shirt would hide the fact that I was bleeding. That would keep you from fear, and you would fight on unafraid".

The next morning, all was calm when a lookout called out "Five pirate ships headed this way!".

Surely, that pirate ship returned with an entire flotilla! The sailors, all silent, looked at their captain for his order.

Calm as ever, the captain bellowed "Get me my brown pants".
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Old 11-10-2014, 02:38 PM   #3568
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Some days are like that.
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Old 11-13-2014, 08:56 AM   #3569
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best friend retires Friday after 42 years with same company.. this one's for him!

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Old 11-14-2014, 07:08 AM   #3570
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Pimco Paid Billionaire Gross $290 Million Bonus in 2013 - Bloomberg

Yeah, but did he retire early?
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Old 11-14-2014, 07:51 AM   #3571
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With that kind of income it's tough to resist OMY.
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Old 11-14-2014, 07:58 AM   #3572
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"Did you sign up for the company's 401k?"

"What? No way, that's like 250 miles!"
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Old 11-17-2014, 08:23 PM   #3573
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I don't know how many will find this funny but if you're familiar with the culture of north central USA you'll at least understand it.
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Old 11-18-2014, 09:14 PM   #3574
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I'm afraid the quality dropped as soon as we started worrying about offending people. I had a great joke from a Leno headline. It included the word panty.

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No one forces anyone to read jokes that offend them.

Is it offensive to post Wiley Coyote's Retirement video? I suppose this may, if so, ignore. Don't even consider looking at it, even though panties aren't mentioned.

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Old 11-18-2014, 09:45 PM   #3575
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The breakfest special
Old 11-20-2014, 08:07 AM   #3576
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The breakfest special

A man goes to the same diner every day for breakfast and orders the same thing; coffee, two eggs over light, bacon, hash browns and rye toast. He is waited on each morning by the same waitress for 2 years.One day the waitress sees him coming and decides to play a joke, when she goes to his table to take his order she says “I’m sorry I just scratched what you like best.” He replies “Ok, go wash your hands then bring me coffee, two eggs over light, bacon, hash browns and rye toast.”
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Old 11-20-2014, 11:31 AM   #3577
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Originally Posted by TromboneAl View Post
I'm afraid the quality dropped as soon as we started worrying about offending people. I had a great joke from a Leno headline. It included the word panty.

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Googling but not finding a line I heard last year that made me laugh, I serendipitously found what I think is a very funny Reddit page of pretty inoffensive (not all of them ) yet very clever jokes, most made me laugh out loud What's the best clean joke you know? : reddit.com

Samples:

I poured root beer into a square cup. Now I just have beer.

When my girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking. Then I saw her face.

My scales showed me this morning that I weighed about the same as a single atom. I was like 0mg.
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Old 11-20-2014, 01:39 PM   #3578
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Slogan I saw in a T-Shirt catalog:

"I'm going to retire and live off my savings.
Not sure what I'll do that second week."


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Old 11-20-2014, 10:09 PM   #3579
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Bestwifeever View Post
Googling but not finding a line I heard last year that made me laugh, I serendipitously found what I think is a very funny Reddit page of pretty inoffensive (not all of them ) yet very clever jokes, most made me laugh out loud What's the best clean joke you know? : reddit.com

Samples:

I poured root beer into a square cup. Now I just have beer.

When my girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking. Then I saw her face.

My scales showed me this morning that I weighed about the same as a single atom. I was like 0mg.
This is like dialog from "The Big Bang Theory."
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Old 11-20-2014, 11:46 PM   #3580
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a T-shirt:

There are 10 kinds of people in the world.
Those that know Binary and those that don't.
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