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Old 11-23-2014, 06:01 PM   #3581
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Starting early:
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Old 11-23-2014, 06:46 PM   #3582
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That is so cute, Walt!
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Old 11-23-2014, 07:32 PM   #3583
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Don't use the bathroom in your dream. It's a set-up.

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Old 11-25-2014, 08:01 AM   #3584
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Originally Posted by Amethyst View Post
Don't use the bathroom in your dream. It's a set-up.

Amethyst
Yep.

And, those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
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Old 11-25-2014, 01:02 PM   #3585
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What happens when old car guys get sent to the nursing home...
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Old 11-25-2014, 02:40 PM   #3586
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I'm afraid the quality dropped as soon as we started worrying about offending people. I had a great joke from a Leno headline. It included the word panty.

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I have not heard a joke at my megacorp for over 10 years. Mandatory employee training on harassment made sure of it. No one seems to mind as they find other ways to entertain themselves. Life has full of funny moments.
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Old 11-26-2014, 09:10 AM   #3587
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Think you have airplane travel problems? Be glad you are not in Siberia, you have to push your own ride to the taxiway.

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Old 11-26-2014, 12:50 PM   #3588
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Think you have airplane travel problems? Be glad you are not in Siberia, you have to push your own ride to the taxiway.



It is interesting that I read something this morning that that airline was going under... seems that they could not make their bond payment.... so I guess this is a cost cutting measure....
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Old 11-30-2014, 10:28 AM   #3589
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Privacy be damned.
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Old 12-14-2014, 10:01 PM   #3590
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REMINDER: Cold season is here and cows seek heat on car hoods. Do not forget to tap on the hood to give the cow enough time to get off before you drive away!
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Old 12-15-2014, 01:18 PM   #3591
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One of the characters in my book is going to tell this joke:


A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, " I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."

The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, maybe your radar gun needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting, the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn"t have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"

The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Damit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."

The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."

The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn"t have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU SHUT THE HELL UP??"

The officer leans down, looks over at the woman, and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"

"Only when he's been drinking."
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Old 12-20-2014, 09:33 PM   #3592
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WHY?
Old 12-29-2014, 02:51 PM   #3593
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WHY?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are going dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use, the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
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Senior motel moment
Old 12-29-2014, 04:30 PM   #3594
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Senior motel moment

Last week she checked into a motel on her 65th birthday and she was a bit lonely. She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages."

She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony -- a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six-pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a silver dollar off his well-oiled bum.

She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call.
"Good evening, Ma'am. How may I help you?" Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy!

Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in. "Hi, I hear you give a great massage. I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait -- I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips -- everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night. Tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream -- anything and everything, Iím ready!! Now how does that sound?"

He said, "That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."
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Old 01-12-2015, 03:52 PM   #3595
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A bad day about to happen:
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Fun with words
Old 01-18-2015, 10:52 AM   #3596
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Fun with words

Fun with Words


These are supposed to be from the Washington Post's winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest in which readers are asked to supply alternative meanings for common words. Whatever the source, they are pretty funny.

The winners are:

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n), olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.), emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

This also is supposed to be from the Washington Post: its Style Invitational asking readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supplying a new definition.
The winners are:

1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.
8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
9. Karmageddon (n): Itís like, when everybody is sending off all these Really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
10. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.
12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.
And the pick of the literature:
16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
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Old 01-18-2015, 04:56 PM   #3597
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How to keep warm in the winter:

The 5-Step Program
on Jan 18, 2:50 AM said:
1. Turn off the heat and open the windows.
2. Remove all your clothes.
3. Sit on the floor in the middle of your main living area with your legs crossed and hands resting on your knees with palms up.
4. Repeat the mantra . . . MY GLOBE IS WARMING . . . MY GLOBE IS WARMING . . . MY GLOBE IS WARMING . . . MY GLOBE IS WARMING . . . MY GLOBE IS WARMING . . . MY GLOBE IS WARMING . . . MY GLOBE IS WARMING . . . MY GLOBE IS WARMING . . . MY GLOBE IS WARMING . . . MY GLOBE IS WARMING . . . MY GLOBE IS WARMING . . . MY GLOBE IS WARMING . . . MY GLOBE IS WARMING . . . MY GLOBE IS WARMING . . .
5. If you are a true believer in Man Made Global Warming then you will be warmed.
But if you have any doubts about MMGW then you will freeze your ass to the hard floor and it's time to call 911

Opriginally published in Business Insider
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Old 01-18-2015, 05:30 PM   #3598
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Guy asks God "Is it true a penny is like a billion dollars to you?" and God replies "Why yes it is.". Guy then asks "Is it true a second is like a billion years to you?" and God replies "Why yes it is.".

Guy then asks God "Can you give me a penny?" and God replies "Sure, just give me a second."
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Old 01-22-2015, 04:57 PM   #3599
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This post reminded me of these two jokes:

Allegedly the German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They, it is alleged, not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark,... and I didn't land."

-----------------------------------------------

Allegedly, a Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."
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Old 01-23-2015, 03:48 PM   #3600
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Aircraft requested Flight level 60 (60000 feet). Newbie controller chuckled and said If you can make it that high you are cleared. SR71 pilot: Roger, descending to FL60.
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