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Old 01-25-2015, 07:29 PM   #3601
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Did someone say "Ryanair"?

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Old 01-26-2015, 01:20 PM   #3602
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Two snowmen in my front yard; I overheard one say to the other," Hey, do you smell carrots?"


Two fish swimming in a big lake hit a cement wall real hard. "Dam" the one says to the other.




Courtesy of Bobby the sausagemaker.
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Old 01-26-2015, 01:34 PM   #3603
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Hmmm. Not whether sure to put it here or the "This weather is awful" thread.....



Authorities are seeking this woman for questioning:
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Old 01-28-2015, 08:34 AM   #3604
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Q: What has six balls and rips you off daily?
A: The lottery.
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Old 01-28-2015, 08:35 AM   #3605
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What's the difference between a person trying to lose weight and a virgin?

One is trying to diet and the other is dying to try it.
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Old 02-01-2015, 04:30 PM   #3606
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http://offtheleashdogcartoons.com/category/off-the-leash-dog-cartoons/?vendor-type&vendor-location#038;vendor-location
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Old 02-01-2015, 07:25 PM   #3607
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Two guys get pulled over while drinking and driving. The driver tells his friend, "Peel the labels off these beer bottles, and we'll each stick one on our forehead. Now, shove all the bottles under the front seat. Just let me do all the talking." The officer walks up and shines his flashlight into the car. "Have you been drinking?" he asks. "No, sir," the drunk answers. "We haven't had a thing to drink tonight." "Then what are those beer labels doing on your foreheads?" "We're both alcoholics," says the drunk. "We're on the patch."
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Old 02-04-2015, 11:19 PM   #3608
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An engineer, a physicist and a statistician go elk hunting. Shortly into the trip they spot an elk. The engineer took aim and fired his rifle but his shot missed by ten feet to the left. The physicist took the next opportunity but missed by ten feet to the right...and the statistician immediately exclaimed "WE GOT HIM!"
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Old 02-05-2015, 08:51 AM   #3609
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apparently, she really said it....
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Old 02-06-2015, 01:11 PM   #3610
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The actual truth
Health Experts Recommend Standing Up At Desk, Leaving Office, Never Coming Back | The Onion - America's Finest News Source
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Old 02-06-2015, 01:20 PM   #3611
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In addition to the above.....

Company To Experiment With Valuing Employees | The Onion - America's Finest News Source
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Old 02-24-2015, 02:10 PM   #3612
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
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<LI class="comic-item share-out-on-hover">Mon, Feb 23

<LI class="comic-item share-out-on-hover">Sun, Feb 22

<LI class="comic-item share-out-on-hover">Sat, Feb 21

<LI class="comic-item share-out-on-hover">Fri, Feb 20

<LI class="comic-item share-out-on-hover">Thu, Feb 19

<LI class="comic-item share-out-on-hover">Wed, Feb 18

<LI class="comic-item share-out-on-hover">Tue, Feb 17

<LI class="comic-item share-out-on-hover">Mon, Feb 16

<LI class="comic-item share-out-on-hover">Sun, Feb 15
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Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. Groucho Marx

In dire need of: faster horses, younger woman, older whiskey, more money.
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Old 02-24-2015, 02:15 PM   #3613
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Give me a forum ...
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There has been so much snow in Mass. this year that Sen. Elizabeth Warren now thinks that she is related to Eskimos.
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Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. Groucho Marx

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Old 02-24-2015, 02:31 PM   #3614
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When she figures out she's full of it, she will assert her kinship to bulls.
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Old 02-24-2015, 02:37 PM   #3615
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Do you realize what five inches of snow can do to a dachshund on a potty run outside? Most uncomfortable!
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Old 02-24-2015, 03:02 PM   #3616
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I enjoy singing in the shower, but at times I get shampoo in my mouth and it just becomes a soap opera.
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Old 02-24-2015, 05:01 PM   #3617
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Ah champagne music. Lawrwce Welk resurrected.
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Engineer vs Doctor
Old 02-28-2015, 12:59 PM   #3618
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Engineer vs Doctor

Engineer Vs Doctor

An Engineer Could Not Find A Job, So He Opens A Clinic, And Puts A Sign Outside That Says Get Treatment For $50, If Not Cured Get Back $100.

A Doctor Thinks This Is A Good Opportunity Show Up The Engineer And Earn A Quick $100. And So He Visits The Clinic.

Doctor: I Have Lost My Sense Of Taste.

Engineer: Nurse , Bring The Medicine From Box No 22 And Place 3 Drops In The Patient's Mouth.

Patient (Doctor): Spits Out The Medicine And Says "This Is Not Medicine, It's Gasoline".

Engineer: Congrats.. You Have Your Taste Back ..That Will Be $50

Doctor Gets Annoyed, And Returns After Several Days To Recover His Money.

Doctor : I Have Lost My Memory And Can't Remember A Thing.

Engineer : Nurse , Bring Medicine From Box No 22 And Put 3 Drops In Patient's Mouth.

Doctor: "This Medicine Is For The Sense Of Taste" Protests The Doctor.

Engineer : Congrats. Your Memory Is Back.. ..That Will Be $50

Doctor Leaves, But After Several Days Angrily Returns For One Last Try.

Doctor : My Eyesight Has Become Weak.

Engineer : Well I Don't Have Any Medicine For That. Take This $100

Doctor : But This Is $50 Note

Engineer : Congratulations, Your Eyesight Has Gotten Better. ..That Will Be $50
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I Think My Daughter Is Sexually Active
Old 02-28-2015, 01:01 PM   #3619
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I Think My Daughter Is Sexually Active

I Think My Daughter Is Sexually Active

The Mother Of A 17-Year-Old Girl Was Concerned That Her Daughter Was Having Sex.
Worried The Girl Might Become Pregnant She Consulted The Family Doctor.

The Doctor Told Her That Teenagers Today Were Very Wilful And Any Attempt To Stop The Girl Would Probably Result In Rebellion. He Then Told Her To Arrange For Her Daughter To Be Put On Birth Control And Until Then, Talk To Her And Give Her A Box Of Condoms.

Later That Evening, As Her Daughter Was Preparing For A Date, The Woman Brought Up Her Concerns And Handed Her A Box Of Condoms.

The Girl Burst Out Laughing And Reached Over To Hug Her Mother, Saying,
'Oh Mom! You Don't Have To Worry About That! I'm Dating Susan!'
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No sex tonight!
Old 03-02-2015, 12:16 PM   #3620
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No sex tonight!

I’ve never quite figured out why the sexual urges of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing or why men think with their head and women with their heart.
For example…One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion started to heat up, but then she said "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said "WHAT??!! What's that*about?!"
*
So she said the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear...
"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."
She responded to my puzzled look by saying,
"Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"
*
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day, I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, high-end department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said let’s get a pair for each outfit. We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.

Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. But, I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."
*
She appeared to be almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear; let's go to the cashier."
*
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."
*
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?"
*
I then said "Honey, I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial means as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"
Apparently, I'm not having sex tonight either…
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