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Old 04-12-2015, 03:13 PM   #3681
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Everything I Need to Know I Learned in Corporate America
They're all funny. Some are true and remind me of work.
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Old 04-12-2015, 05:30 PM   #3682
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One old boss of mine had a tablet on his desk. The inscription on it read "Not to decide is to decide". He lived by it. He was as useful as teats on bull.
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Old 04-12-2015, 08:20 PM   #3683
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...not doing anything of true substance...
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Lost Wife
Old 04-14-2015, 09:39 PM   #3684
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Lost Wife

LOST WIFE


A husband went to the police station to report his missing wife.

Husband: I've lost my wife, she went shopping yesterday and has still not come home.

S
ergeant: What is her height?

Husband: Oh, 5’ something, maybe 5’5”

Sergeant: Build?

Husband: Not slim, not really fat, but could lose a few.

Sergeant: Color of eyes?

Husband: Dark. Not sure - maybe Brown.

Sergeant: Color of hair?

Husband: Changes according to season - lightish brown now .

Sergeant: What was she wearing?

Husband: I don't remember exactly but she wears jeans a lot.

Sergeant: Did she go in a car?

Husband: yes.

Sergeant: What kind of car was it?

Husband: 2015 Corvette Stingray 3LT with the Z51 Performance Package, shark gray metallic paint, with the 6.2 litre V8 engine with Direct Injection generating 460 HP, 8-speed paddle-shift automatic transmission and Black leather GT bucket seats, and has a very thin scratch on the front left door near the...

at this point the husband started crying...

Sergeant: Don't worry sir ... We'll find your car




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Senior Bus Tour
Old 04-16-2015, 07:32 AM   #3685
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Senior Bus Tour

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times.

When she is about to hand him another batch again, he asks the little old lady, 'Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?'

'We can't chew them because we've got no teeth,' she replied.

The puzzled driver asks, 'Why do you buy them then?'

The old lady replied, 'We just love the chocolate around them.'


It pays to be careful around old people.......
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Old 04-16-2015, 10:39 AM   #3686
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Financial crisis ends
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Old 04-16-2015, 12:07 PM   #3687
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Sounds very painful.
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Old 04-22-2015, 12:14 PM   #3688
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It took 70 years, but it finally happened.
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Old 04-22-2015, 12:21 PM   #3689
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Old 04-22-2015, 01:55 PM   #3690
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Out of interest and curiosity, I went to a Muslim Mosque last night
The Imam started bragging about how he had the entire Koran on DVD.
I was interested so I asked him, "Can you burn me a copy?"
Well that was when the trouble started . . .
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Old 04-22-2015, 03:26 PM   #3691
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Out of interest and curiosity, I went to a Muslim Mosque last night
The Imam started bragging about how he had the entire Koran on DVD.
I was interested so I asked him, "Can you burn me a copy?"
Well that was when the trouble started . . .
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Old 05-17-2015, 08:12 PM   #3692
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A man sees his wife is busy in the kitchen and says, "Can I help?" She says, "Sure, take this bag of potatoes, peel half of them and put them in a pot to boil." No matter what men do, somehow, we still get yelled at....


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Old 05-18-2015, 10:52 AM   #3693
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I couldn't have said it better......
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Old 05-22-2015, 06:40 PM   #3694
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Old 05-25-2015, 03:50 PM   #3695
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Canadian Meals on Wheels:
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Old 05-28-2015, 02:31 PM   #3696
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THESE ARE ACTUAL COMPLAINTS RECEIVED BY "THOMAS COOK VACATIONS" FROM DISSATISFIED CUSTOMERS:
1. "They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax."
2. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food."
3. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish."
4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price."
5. "The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room."
6. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow."
7. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallartato close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time -- this should be banned."
8. "No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared."
9. "Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers."
10. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."
11. "The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun."
12. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair."
13. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends' three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller."
14. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the resort.' We're trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service."
15. "When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners."
16. "We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning."
17. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."
18. "I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes."
19. "My fiancée and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."
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Old 06-02-2015, 06:58 AM   #3697
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Size matters.







British tank crushes German teenage learner's car - Telegraph
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Old 06-04-2015, 03:22 PM   #3698
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A Strange Little Quiz

Schwartzenegger has a big one

Michael J. Fox has a small one

Madonna doesn't have one

The Pope has one but doesn't use his

Clinton uses his all the time

Lady GaGa's is Both

Mickey Mouse has an unusual one

George Burns' was hot

Liberace never used his on women

Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his

We never saw Lucy use Desi's

What is it?






"A Last Name."
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Old 06-04-2015, 04:05 PM   #3699
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Two recent Drudge Report news stories...it's 2015 folks.

Pittsburgh Removes 'Ziggin Zaggin' Slogan From Public Buses Over Complaints It's Offensive When Read Backwards...

Women's college to allow transgender women but not transgender men...
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Old 06-06-2015, 10:54 AM   #3700
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Velcro: What a rip off!
Broken pencils are pointless.
I tried to catch some fog. I mist.
When chemists die, they barium.
Police say they have nothing to go on.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
I didn't like my beard at first, then it grew on me.
Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.
I took the job at a bakery, because I kneaded dough.
They told me I had type A blood, but it was a type-O.
All the toilets in London police stations have been stolen.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.
I dropped out of communism class, because of lousy Marx.
I wondered why the ball was getting bigger, then it hit me!
What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
A cross-eyed teacher lost her job, because she couldn't control her pupils.
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
The girl said she recognised me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
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