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Old 09-05-2015, 10:36 AM   #3741
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I'm offended by this.
Then report it to the mods.
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Old 09-05-2015, 08:34 PM   #3742
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Huston55 View Post
I'm offended by this.
Quote:
Originally Posted by REWahoo View Post
Then report it to the mods.
I'm hoping for sarcasm, although the emoticon makes it questionable.
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Old 09-06-2015, 02:46 PM   #3743
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Then report it to the mods.
Quote:
Originally Posted by harley View Post
I'm hoping for sarcasm, although the emoticon makes it questionable.
Hmmm, I'm rarely accused of being too subtle.
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Old 09-06-2015, 02:50 PM   #3744
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Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Debris was all over the place.
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Old 09-06-2015, 02:57 PM   #3745
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
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Cheese jokes are grate.
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Old 09-06-2015, 04:51 PM   #3746
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
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23 Things NEVER Said by Southerners


23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.

22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.

21. Spittin is such a nasty habit.

20. I just couldn't find a thing at Walmart today.

19. Trim the fat off that steak.

18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.

17. The tires on that truck are too big.

16. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.

15. I've got it all on the C drive.

14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.

13. Would you like your salmon poached or broiled?

12. My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.

11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.

10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.

09. Checkmate.

08. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.

07. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?

06. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.

05. I don't have a favorite college team.

04. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.

03. I believe you cooked those green beans too long.

02. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.

01. Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin tonight.
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Old 09-06-2015, 09:34 PM   #3747
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Cheese jokes are grate.

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Old 09-09-2015, 03:10 PM   #3748
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
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33 Painfully True Facts About Everyday Life

Example:
Attached Images
File Type: jpg Smoke detectors.JPG (28.5 KB, 52 views)
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Old 09-10-2015, 08:35 AM   #3749
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"LOL" but it did get sent along.. really
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Old 09-14-2015, 09:38 PM   #3750
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The Boat !

The IRS suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying
proper wages to his deckhand and sent an agent to
investigate him.

IRS AUDITOR: "I need a list of your employees and
how much you pay them."

Boat Owner: "Well, there's Clarence, my deckhand,
he's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week
plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally
challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day
and does about 90% of the work around here. He makes
about $10 per week, pays his own room and board,
and I buy him a bottle of fine Barbados Rum and a
dozen Budweisers every Saturday night so he can cope
with life. He also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally."

IRS AUDITOR: "That's the guy I want to
talk to -- the mentally challenged one."

Boat Owner: "That would be me.
What would you like to know?"
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Old 09-14-2015, 09:41 PM   #3751
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Read a version of this as a rancher/farmer a while back. Both versions make me giggle.

As a nonprofit manager, I think I could come up with a version for where I work, too!

Quote:
Originally Posted by frayne View Post
The Boat !

The IRS suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying
proper wages to his deckhand and sent an agent to
investigate him.

IRS AUDITOR: "I need a list of your employees and
how much you pay them."

Boat Owner: "Well, there's Clarence, my deckhand,
he's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week
plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally
challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day
and does about 90% of the work around here. He makes
about $10 per week, pays his own room and board,
and I buy him a bottle of fine Barbados Rum and a
dozen Budweisers every Saturday night so he can cope
with life. He also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally."

IRS AUDITOR: "That's the guy I want to
talk to -- the mentally challenged one."

Boat Owner: "That would be me.
What would you like to know?"
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But you can hit'em upside the head a few times to make sure they are really out...
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Old 09-17-2015, 02:28 PM   #3752
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Facebook

I log into Facebook and see that everyone is at the bar...

So I go to the bar and see that everyone is on Facebook.
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Old 09-19-2015, 08:55 AM   #3753
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A Man's Age According to Home Depot


Yep .....

You are in the middle of some home projects: putting in a new fence, painting the porch, planting some flowers and fixing a broken door lock. You are hot and sweaty, covered with dirt, lawn clippings and paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit -- shorts with a hole in the crotch, an old T-shirt with a stain from who-knows-what, and an old pair of tennis shoes.

Right in the middle of these tasks you realize that you need to run to Home Depot for supplies. Depending on your age you might do the following:

In your 20s: Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because, you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout line. And yes, you went to school with the pretty girl running the register.

In your 30s: Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change your shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it! Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl running the register is the kid sister of someone you went to school with.

In your 40s: Stop what you are doing. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brut is almost empty, so don't waste any of it on a trip to Home Depot. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing. The hot young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird about thinking she's spicy.

In your 50s: Stop what you are doing. Put on a hat. Wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get dog crap in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. The cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it. Then you remember -- the hat you have on is from Bubba's Bait & Beer Bar and it says, 'I Got Worms '

In your 60s: Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat any more. Hose the dog crap off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50s. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants. The girl running the register may be cute but you don't have your glasses on, so you're not sure.

In your 70s: Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Home Depot until you call the drug store to have your prescriptions ready for pick too and check your grocery list for a quick stop there. Got to save trips! Don't even notice the dog crap on your shoes. The young thing at the register stares at you and you realize your balls are hanging out the hole in your crotchÖ who cares.

In your 80s: Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember you need to go to Home Depot. You go to Wal-Mart instead. You went to school with the old lady greeter. You wander around trying to remember what you are looking for. Then you fart out loud and turn around thinking someone called your name.

In your 90s & beyond: What's a home deep hoe? Something for my garden? Where am I? Who am I? Why am I reading this?
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Old 09-19-2015, 12:47 PM   #3754
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DH is crying, he is laughing so hard, Tailgate. I pointed out that he skipped a few decades and went straight to 50.
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Old 09-19-2015, 02:43 PM   #3755
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Feever, be glad he didn't skip to 90!
I laughed over that too!
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Old 09-23-2015, 03:56 PM   #3756
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Testing for drugs in Australia:

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Yogi-isms
Old 09-28-2015, 04:55 PM   #3757
Recycles dryer sheets
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Yogi-isms

Yogisms
In Honor of Yogi Berra who recently passed away.
1. ďIf you donít know where youíre going, you might wind up someplace else.Ē

2. "We made too many wrong mistakes."

3. "You can observe a lot just by watching."

4. "If you canít imitate him, donít copy him."

5. "When you come to a fork in the road, take it."

6. "It ainít over ítil itís over."

7. "I didnít really say everything I said."

8. "The future ainít what it used to be."

9. "Pair up in threes."

10. "If the world were perfect, it wouldnít be."

11. "Itís deja vu all over again."

12. "I usually take a two hour nap from one to four."

13. "In baseball, you don't know nothing."

14. "90 percent of this game is half mental."

15. "It gets late early out here."
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Old 09-28-2015, 06:13 PM   #3758
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
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Two of my favorites:

"The towels were so thick there I could hardly close my suitcase."

"You better cut the pizza in four pieces because I’m not hungry enough to eat six."
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Old 09-28-2015, 07:44 PM   #3759
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And of course, "nobody goes there anymore because it is too crowded".
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Old 09-29-2015, 04:53 PM   #3760
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Saw a sign yesterday...


"I'm trying to stop all the sexual innuendoes, but it's hard. So hard."
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