It's funny joke Thursday! 2005 - 2020

[braumeister]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nodak I was sent this by a friend. Figured there were enough of us introverts here to appreciate it.

That reminded me of

DYSLEXICS UNTIE!

[mickeyd]

The International Rules of Manhood:

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Christina Hendricks starts unbuttoning her blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) When she is using her teeth.

3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.

8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c) Another set and we can hit the showers!

22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.

25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets a table saw and a new set of Craftsman wrenches. End of story.

28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever. We've all heard about people having guts or balls.

We hope this clears up any confusion,

The International Council of Manhood, Ltd.

[Huston55]

Quote:

Originally Posted by mickeyd The International Rules of Manhood: 1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella. 2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances: (a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master. (b) The moment Christina Hendricks starts unbuttoning her blouse. (c) After wrecking your boss's car. (d) When she is using her teeth. 3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies. 4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours. 5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her. 6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable. 7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice. 8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest. 9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing. 10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend. 11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free. 12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts. 13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked. 14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed. 15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything. 16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers. 17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight. 18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy. 19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer. 20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response. 21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights: a) Yeah, Baby, Push it! b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder! c) Another set and we can hit the showers! 22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need. 23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary. 24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was. 25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours. 26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue. 27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets a table saw and a new set of Craftsman wrenches. End of story. 28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever. We've all heard about people having guts or balls. We hope this clears up any confusion, The International Council of Manhood, Ltd.

The International Rules of Manhood (West Coast Edition):

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella. Unless they routinely violate #28.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Christina Hendricks starts unbuttoning her blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) When she is using her teeth.
(e) The sister in #5 is REALLY HOT
(f) You are in prison (#13) and lose

3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies. Or, will be forced into #14.

4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours. The only acceptable excuse is if you're engaging in #24.

5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her. Or, if she visits you in #13.

6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable. Violators will be forced to engage in the dread #14 & #28.

7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice. And, be on the lookout for #15, to take advantage of the situation.

8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest. Unless it's the woman in #10, then her bladder determines pit stops.

9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing. Unless you're currently violating #14.

10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend. If you've completed #10, it overrides #5. For those who are counting, that means: Prison can lead to climactic sex & farting.

11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free. Ironically, this does not override #5, if the topless model is your buddy's sister.

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts. If he violates #21, that qualifies.

13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked. Even in prison, attempt #14 before getting naked.

14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed. See #28.

15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything. Unless he's the guy in #17, in which case you tell him he'll never be able to satisfy her; then you buy him a #11, followed by attempting #24 with his female companion.

16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers. Or, if they've survived #10.

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight. Or, stay at home & do #24 followed by #10.

18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy. Yes, it is; nuff said.

19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer. Or, both wearing speedos.

20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response. Unless, of course, he routinely violates #18.

21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c) Another set and we can hit the showers!
Unless one of you is wearing a speedo.

22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need. Unless one of you is wearing a speedo.

23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary. Practice #24 as frequently as possible to develop your capacity for long conversations.

24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was. Nuff said.

25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. Unless it's a color in #26. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue. Exception: Original diamond (sky) blue 1956 T-Bird.

27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets a table saw and a new set of Craftsman wrenches. End of story. Followed by "flatulent entertainment!"

28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever. We've all heard about people having guts or balls. To quote the Most Interesting Man in the World, "I don't always watch ice skating or gymnastics but, when I do, I watch it in a speedo under an umbrella with my best buddy."

We hope this clears up any confusion,

The International Council of Manhood, Ltd. (West Coast Edition)

[zedd]

Quote:

Originally Posted by mickeyd The International Rules of Manhood: 1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella. 2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances: (a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master. (b) The moment Christina Hendricks starts unbuttoning her blouse. (c) After wrecking your boss's car. (d) When she is using her teeth. 3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies. 4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours. 5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her. 6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable. 7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice. 8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest. 9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing. 10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend. 11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free. 12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts. 13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked. 14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed. 15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything. 16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers. 17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight. 18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy. 19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer. 20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response. 21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights: a) Yeah, Baby, Push it! b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder! c) Another set and we can hit the showers! 22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need. 23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary. 24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was. 25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours. 26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue. 27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets a table saw and a new set of Craftsman wrenches. End of story. 28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever. We've all heard about people having guts or balls. We hope this clears up any confusion, The International Council of Manhood, Ltd.

29: If you hurt yourself don't cry like a little girl.

30: If you see another man hurt himself, especially with a tool or sharp object, show your empathy by saying "It's a long way from your heart".

[Nodak]

A facebook friend sent this to me.

[ls99]

#5 is my favorite.

[Nemo2]

[mickeyd]

Sad thing is, at least Wally has a plan. Many don't.

[Taxman59]

The Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrels. After much prayer and consideration, they determined the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.
At the Baptist church the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels slide in and drown
themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim. Twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.

The Methodist church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist Church.
Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water slide.

But the Catholic Church came up with another strategy. They baptized all the squirrels and consecrated them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.

Not much was heard from the synagogue, but it's rumored that they took one squirrel and circumcised him and set him free. They haven't seen a squirrel on their property since.

[Slow But Steady]

A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it.

It was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found”, the boy called out.

“What have you got there, dear?” said the mom.

With astonishment in the young boy’s voice, he answered, “I think it’s Adam’s underwear!”

[Silver]

An old scotsman was sleeping off his pub evening on a park bench. A couple of young ladies from Britain were walking by, and joked about the rumor that scotsman typically lack any garments under their kilts. They decided to peek in order to check their facts.

Confirming there were no under garments, they gently tied a ribbon where it would look best, and moved along.

When the scotsman awake soon after, he needed to use a nearby bush to relieve himself. Looking down, he saw the blue ribbon carefully tied. "Hoot man" he said aloud. "I don't know what you were doing last night, but it's good to see you took first prize."

[TromboneAl]

Roger, eighty-five, marries Jenny, a lovely twenty-five year old.

Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one.

All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep. After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Roger.

Again he is ready for more "action." Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it - Roger is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more "action." And, once more they enjoy each other.

But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Roger."

Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says, "You mean I was here already?"

[FireBug]

Three nuns die and go to heaven. Upon arrival at the pearly gates they are met by St. Peter who states, “My apologies Sisters, but unfortunately prior to entering, all candidates must answer correctly, one question.”
The nuns a bit chagrined at this after many years of service to the Lord, reluctantly agreed.
St. Peter said, “Sister number one, who was the first man on Earth?” The Sister quickly stated, “Adam”. DUM-DE-DEE-DUM-DEE-DUM….THETUMPLETS BLARED, the gates opened and in she walked.
The remaining Sisters thought to themselves, “My that was an easy question.” St. Peter then asks, “Sister number two, who was the first woman on earth?” Sister two yells “Eve!”
DUM-DE-DEE-DUM-DEE-DUM….THETUMPLETS BLARED, the gates opened and in she walked.
At this, Sister number three thought, “These questions are easy, I’m a shoe-in.” St. Peter looks at Sister number three and asks, “Sister, what were the first words that Eve said to Adam?” She thought and thought and finally said, “Jeez, that’s a hard one!”
DUM-DE-DEE-DUM-DEE-DUM….THE TUMPLETS BLARED!!!!!!!

[Nemo2]

What are Tumplets?

[Lucantes]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nemo2 What are Tumplets?

Aren't there 5 of them?
Ivanka Trump, Tiffany Trump, Donald Trump, Jr., Eric Trump and Barron Trump?

[Nodak]

The search for intelligent life

[FireBug]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nemo2 What are Tumplets?

Lol...never copy and paste a typo (trumpet)

[ArkTinkerer]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Silver An old scotsman was sleeping off his pub evening on a park bench. A couple of young ladies from Britain were walking by, and joked about the rumor that scotsman typically lack any garments under their kilts. They decided to peek in order to check their facts. Confirming there were no under garments, they gently tied a ribbon where it would look best, and moved along. When the scotsman awake soon after, he needed to use a nearby bush to relieve himself. Looking down, he saw the blue ribbon carefully tied. "Hoot man" he said aloud. "I don't know what you were doing last night, but it's good to see you took first prize."

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fnlqTOsR0RA

[Silver]

My old scotsman joke has been put to music! That was fast.....


Thanks Ark for posting the above. I had no idea where the joke came from, but there it is. Love it!

[mickeyd]

Browsing Old Cemeteries

=========================

Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York :

Born 1903--Died 1942.
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the Car was on the way down.
It was.

=============================

In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:
Here lies an Atheist,
all dressed up and no Place to go.

=============================

On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia :
Here lies Ezekial Aikle, Age 102.
Only The Good Die Young.

============================ =

In a London, England cemetery:
Here lies Ann Mann,
Who lived an old maid
But died an old Mann.
Dec. 8, 1767

=============================

In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:
Anna Wallace
The children of Israel wanted bread,
And The Lord sent them manna.
Clark Wallace Wanted a wife,
And the Devil sent him Anna.

===============================

In a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:
Here lies Johnny Yeast....
Pardon him For not rising.

===============================

In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania , cemetery:
Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake.
Stepped on the gas instead of the brake.

==============================

In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:
Here lays The Kid.
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger
But slow on the draw.

================================

A lawyer's epitaph in England :
Sir John Strange.
Here lies an honest lawyer,
And that is Strange..

=================================

John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England , cemetery:
Reader, if cash thou art in want of any,
Dig 6 feet deep and thou wilt find a Penny.

==================================

In a cemetery in Hartscombe , England :
On the 22nd of June,
Jonathan Fiddle went Out of tune.
==================================

Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls , Vermont:
Here lies the body of our Anna,
Done to death by a banana.
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low,
But the skin of the thing that made her go.
==================================

On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket , Massachusetts:
Under the sod and under the trees,
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there's only the pod.
Pease shelled out and went to God.
==================================

In a cemetery in England :
Remember man, as you walk by,
As you are now, so once was I
As I am now, so shall you be.
Remember this and follow me.
To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone:
To follow you I'll not consent.
Until I know which way you went.

=============================

The one I like is in the opening segment of the movie Tombstone , as the camera pans Boot Hill, which reads:
"Here lies Les Moore killed by four shots from a 44 --
No Les, No More"

=============================

Highway 16 West of the Tacoma Narrows is a state highway sign reading, Cemetery - Dead Ahead


==================================