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Old 05-23-2016, 06:49 AM   #3901
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Many years ago during my golfing days, I accidentally overturned my golf cart.

Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out: "Are you okay, what's your name?"

"It's Jack, and I'm okay thanks," I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart.

"Jack, she said, (firm loose breasts undulating beneath her white silky robe) "forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while and I'll help you get the cart up later."

"That's mighty nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it."

"Oh, come on now " Elizabeth insisted.

She was so very pretty, very very sexy and very persuasive ... I was weak. "Well okay," I finally agreed but thought to myself, "my wife won't like it."

After a couple of restorative Bourbon on the rocks, I thanked Elizabeth. "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I'd best go now."

"Don't be silly!" Elizabeth said with a smile, letting her robe fall open slightly. "She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"Still under the cart, I guess" I said.
We see this playing fast and loose with the facts again. Turns out braumeister's name isn't actually Jack, and Elizabeth's breasts are neither firm nor loose.

Sent from my XT1254 using Tapatalk
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Old 05-23-2016, 06:57 AM   #3902
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Next thing someone will complain people are posting new jokes everyday and not just on Thursdays.

How about adding a spoonful of mellow to the breakfast cereal, eh?
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Old 05-23-2016, 01:28 PM   #3903
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Next thing someone will complain people are posting new jokes everyday and not just on Thursdays.

How about adding a spoonful of mellow to the breakfast cereal, eh?
Actually they aren't even always new jokes. Some are three-peats.

And get off my lawn!
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Old 05-23-2016, 01:45 PM   #3904
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Actually they aren't even always new jokes. Some are three-peats.
Some of the jokes are so old that the central characters in them weren't even born the first time they were told.
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Old 05-23-2016, 02:03 PM   #3905
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Some of the jokes are so old that the central characters in them weren't even born the first time they were told.
The bad part about recognizing an old joke?

It means you're old!
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Old 05-23-2016, 03:39 PM   #3906
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Originally Posted by ERD50 View Post
I'm not going to re-quote, because you've hit on one of my hot buttons.

I checked a few of those, and every one I checked was false - the person "quoted" did not say that. FYI, I checked the Dan Quayle, Mariah Carey, and the "pollution" quote, which is actually attributed to John Kerry in other "misquotes". I stopped there, now I'm curious if ANY are true?

Sorry, maybe I'm being too serious for a joke thread, but I don't think it's funny to "quote" someone saying something stupid or mean, when they did not say that. For me, it ceases being a joke when a persons real name is used, and it is made to appear as true. How would you like it if someone did that to you? Funny?

Do unto others, and all.

"If you ever feel a little bit stupid, just dig this up and read it again; you'll begin to think you're a genius".

Ironic, no? The smart thing to do would be to verify those quotes before posting. Sorry.

-ERD50
My apologies,I normally do check this stuff for accuracy but this one came from a source I trusted. Never again.
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Old 05-23-2016, 04:14 PM   #3907
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Horrible pun
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Old 05-23-2016, 05:14 PM   #3908
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The bad part about recognizing an old joke?

It means you're old!
I was helping my DGD with her 4th grade social studies/VA history homework today and realized I'd met two of the historical figures she was studying.
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Meaningful for those over 60
Old 05-23-2016, 07:45 PM   #3909
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Meaningful for those over 60

Most of our generation of 60+ years were
HOME SCHOOLED in many ways----

1.
My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
2.
My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3.
My father taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
4.
My father taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why ."
5.
My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
6.
My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7.
My father taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8.
My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9.
My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Just you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
10.
My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."
11.
My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12.
My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times, don't exaggerate!"
13.
My father taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out..."
14.
My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"
15.
My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
16.
My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."
17.
My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it from your father when you get home!"
18 .
My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."
19.
My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20.
My father taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower
cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
21.
My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22.
My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."
23.
My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
24.
My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand
25.
My father taught me about JUSTICE .
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

Only for the over 60 crowd because the younger ones would not believe we truly were told these "EXACT" words by our parents…
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Old 05-24-2016, 09:07 AM   #3910
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My apologies,I normally do check this stuff for accuracy but this one came from a source I trusted. Never again.
Thanks, apology accepted, and one offered in return. In hindsight, I see it would have been better if I had asked you if you realized those were not true, before going off in the way that I did. Sorry for that.

Though I still feel very strongly about the issue - misquoting someone to make them look dumb is just not ethical behavior. And I think we have a responsibility to check the facts before repeating something like that (generally pretty easy on the internet today). Now, if a public figure does say something dumb (and there are enough examples of that to fill a book, we don't have to make them up!), that's fair game.

And not to make excuses, but I've had a very bad few weeks, and it was topped off with some behind-my-back attacks, based on things I did not say - so while this post would have bothered me anyway, the timing made it hit very close to home. I can stand up to critique of anything I did or said, but false attacks are like a mule kick. I related to those 'jokes'.

I think we both learned something, so maybe there's a bright side?

Enough. How about a joke? Along the lines of famous people saying stupid/funny things, Chicago's Mayor Daley (the first), was famous for mangling the English language. One of my favorites, from the time of the 1968 Democratic convention demonstrations, was 'Da Mayor' defending police actions to control the demonstrators (the Chicago Police motto is "To Protect and Serve"):

In a news conference, Mayor Daley said: "Gentlemen, let's get this thing straight, once and for all. The policeman is not here to create disorder. The policeman is here to preserve disorder.".

Now, he obviously meant to say "preserve order", it's the kind of slip of the tongue that anyone could make, but in the context of the situation, the irony is pretty funny (though a very serious topic).

And I know he said it, I heard it on the news at the time, and repeated years later.



-ERD50
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Old 05-24-2016, 12:20 PM   #3911
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Copy and paste job from another forum, should be good for a chuckle and may actually happen to one of us, someday.


This is not a joke, just something that that happened at an assisted living center that my wife used to work at. The people who lived there have small apartments but they all eat at a central cafeteria. One morning one of the residents didn't show up for breakfast so my wife went upstairs and knocked on his door to see if everything was OK. She could hear him through the door and he said that he was running late and would be down shortly so she went back to the dining area. An hour later he still hadn't arrived so she went back up towards his room and she found him on the stairs. He was coming down the stairs but was having a hell of time. He had a death grip on the hand rail and seemed to have trouble getting his legs to work right. She told him she was going to call an ambulance but he told her no, he wasn't in any pain and just wanted to have his breakfast. So she helped him the rest of the way down the stairs and he had his breakfast. When he tried to return to his room he was completely unable to get up even the first step so they called an ambulance for him. A couple hours later she called the hospital to see how he was doing. The receptionist there said he was fine, he just had both of his legs in one leg of his boxer shorts.
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Old 05-24-2016, 02:13 PM   #3912
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The word they wanted was "tong."

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Old 05-24-2016, 02:15 PM   #3913
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Supposed to be "the pen is" (sign in Sweden):

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Old 05-24-2016, 04:06 PM   #3914
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Two good ones, Al! And DH just cracked up when I told him the boxer short story, frayne.
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Old 05-24-2016, 04:24 PM   #3915
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..
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Old 05-24-2016, 05:04 PM   #3916
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The word they wanted was "tong."
Reminds me of the time I stopped into a McDonald's and the coffee stirrers were labeled, "Styx". I know the coffee is bad, but really?
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Old 05-24-2016, 06:51 PM   #3917
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... he just had both of his legs in one leg of his boxer shorts.
I hate it when that happens.
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Old 05-24-2016, 07:21 PM   #3918
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..


Nope, it's called a "troop." So much for the clarity...(but, it's still funny).
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Old 05-24-2016, 07:27 PM   #3919
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My apologies,I normally do check this stuff for accuracy but this one came from a source I trusted. Never again.
OK, now there's no need for you to post another apology. But, I'm wondering: did this come from the same trusted source as before or did it come from a different trusted source?
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Old 05-24-2016, 08:41 PM   #3920
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Actually that came from a high school teacher about 52 years ago. Apparently old memes never die. After thinking about it for a few minutes it was in a "Problems of Democracy" class.
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