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Old 05-25-2016, 12:15 AM   #3921
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My goal for 2016 was to lose just 10 pounds. Only 15 to go.
.........

Ate salad for dinner! Mostly croutons & tomatoes. Really just one big, round crouton covered with tomato sauce. And cheese. FINE, it was a pizza. I ate a pizza.
...........

How to prepare Tofu:
1. Throw it in the trash.
2. Grill some Meat.
...........

I just did a week's worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.
..............

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.
...................

I don't mean to brag but......I finished my 14-day diet in 3 hours and 20 minutes.
..................
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Old 05-25-2016, 07:48 AM   #3922
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redduck View Post
My goal for 2016 was to lose just 10 pounds. Only 15 to go.
.........

Ate salad for dinner! Mostly croutons & tomatoes. Really just one big, round crouton covered with tomato sauce. And cheese. FINE, it was a pizza. I ate a pizza.
...........

How to prepare Tofu:
1. Throw it in the trash.
2. Grill some Meat.
...........

I just did a week's worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.
..............

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.
...................

I don't mean to brag but......I finished my 14-day diet in 3 hours and 20 minutes.
..................
This belongs in the "Why we get fat" thread.
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Old 05-25-2016, 08:35 AM   #3923
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This belongs in the "Why we get fat" thread.
I see you brought reality to the funny joke thread
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Old 05-25-2016, 05:03 PM   #3924
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http://www.early-retirement.org/foru...1&d=1464125071

Quote:
Originally Posted by travelover View Post
I agree. Frequently jokes" here are just political commentary is just a joke.
FIFY
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Old 05-25-2016, 05:21 PM   #3925
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OK, now there's no need for you to post another apology. But, I'm wondering: did this come from the same trusted source as before or did it come from a different trusted source?
But it does seem someone should stick up for the baboons!

-ERD50
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Old 05-27-2016, 10:05 AM   #3926
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Some Strange British Signs


Spotted in a toilet of a London office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR

Notice in a field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES

Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING.(PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)
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Old 05-31-2016, 09:42 AM   #3927
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Old 06-01-2016, 08:15 AM   #3928
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A young couple moved into a new neighborhood.
The next morning while they were eating breakfast,the young woman saw her neighbor hanging the wash outside.
“That laundry is not very clean, she said. “She doesn’t know how to wash correctly. Perhaps she needs better laundry soap.”
Her husband looked on, but remained silent. Every time her neighbor would hang her wash to dry, the young woman would make the same comments.
About one month later, the woman was surprised to see a nice clean wash on the line and said to her husband: “Look, she has learned how to wash correctly. I wonder who taught her this.”
The husband replied, “I got up early this morning and cleaned our windows.”
And so it is with life… What we see when watching others depends on the clarity of the window through which we look.
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Old 06-03-2016, 05:39 PM   #3929
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What’s the difference between a well dressed man on a bike and a poorly dressed man on a unicycle?




Attire.
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Old 06-03-2016, 06:39 PM   #3930
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Quote:
Originally Posted by hakuna matata View Post
What’s the difference between a well dressed man on a bike and a poorly dressed man on a unicycle?




Attire.
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Old 06-05-2016, 11:05 AM   #3931
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Old 06-07-2016, 02:14 PM   #3932
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Appropriated from elsewhere:

What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college? "Bison."

What did the mama cow say to her baby cow? "Go to sleep it's pasture bedtime"

What do you call a cow that just had a baby? "Decalfinated"

How did the farmer find his wife? "He tractor down"
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Old 06-08-2016, 04:11 PM   #3933
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"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz SL500."

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship."
Sharon Stone

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
Jack Nicholson

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
Barbara Bush

"Ah yes, divorce; from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
Robin Williams

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place"
Billy Crystal

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
Robert De Niro

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
Dustin Hoffman

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked !"
Jerry Seinfeld

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
Robin Williams

"Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy."
Steve Martin

"You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for later in life."
Elmo Phillips

"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."
Oscar Wilde

"It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."
George Burns
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Old 06-10-2016, 05:55 PM   #3934
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It is funny, except for the guy on the wrong end of ther rope.

Rancher on horseback lassoes would-be bike bandit in Walmart parking lot | US news | The Guardian

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Old 06-10-2016, 07:31 PM   #3935
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He was lucky. Some big fool tried to drag a woman out of the High Desert Museum in eastern Oregon recently. She escaped, his knife didn't prove a winner in a match-up with an armed OSP officer outside.

http://koin.com/2016/06/08/new-video...desert-museum/
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Old 06-13-2016, 01:53 PM   #3936
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In a newsletter I get:
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Old 06-14-2016, 11:37 AM   #3937
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Stolen from elsewhere:

Quote:
A tough old sheep farmer from northern England gave some advice to his granddaughter back at the start of the Great War in 1914.

He told her that the secret to a long life was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder onto her breakfast every morning.

The grand daughter followed this dictum religiously until her death at the venerable age of 109.

She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great-grandchildren and a forty foot hole where the crematorium used to be.
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You Know You Live in CA, NYC, NY, CO, Deep South
Old 06-15-2016, 04:03 PM   #3938
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You Know You Live in CA, NYC, NY, CO, Deep South

You Know You Live in CA, NYC, NY, CO, Deep South

You live in California when...

1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The high school quarterback calls a time-out to answer his cell phone.
3. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
4. You know how to eat an artichoke.
5. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
6. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.

You live in New York City when...

1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building.
3. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
4. You think Central Park is "nature,"
5. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
6. You've worn out a car horn.
7. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

You live in upstate New York when...

1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.

You live in the Deep South when...

1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2."ya'll" is singular and "all ya'll" is plural.
3. After five years you still hear, "You ain't from 'round here, are Ya?"
4. "He needed killin' " is a valid defense.
5. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, etc.
6. Every soft drink is called Coke, as in "What kinda Coke ya want?" "Grape Nehi".

You live in Colorado when...

1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center.
3.A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

You live in the Midwest when...

1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"

You live in Florida when...

1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind - even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.
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Old 06-18-2016, 10:16 AM   #3939
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An Engineer dies and goes to Hell. Dissatisfied with the level of comfort, he starts designing and building improvements. After a while, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators. The engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls and asks Satan, "So, how's it going down there?" Satan says, "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God is horrified. "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have gone down there! You know all engineers go to Heaven. Send him up here! "

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff. I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."


"Yeah, right," Satan laughs, "and where are you going to get a lawyer?"





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Old 07-05-2016, 09:31 AM   #3940
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I still have so many unanswered questions! I never found out who let the dogs out... the way to get to Sesame Street... why Dora doesn't just use Google Maps... why we don't ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"... why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed... why "abbreviated" is such a long word... why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor yet dish-washing liquid is made with real lemons... why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections... and, why do you have to "put your two cents in" but it's only a "penny for your thoughts" where's that extra penny going... can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane... why do The Alphabet Song and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star have the same tune... why did you just try to sing those two previous songs... and just what is Victoria's secret? ...and do you really think I am this witty ?? ... I actually stole this from a co-worker who stole this from a friend, who stole it from her brother's girlfriend's Uncle's cousin's, baby momma's Doctor...Now it is your turn to steal it from me... lol!
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