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Old 07-05-2016, 10:20 AM   #3941
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Yesterday, I went over to the local Bass Pro Shop to get a small 9mm for home protection. When I was ready to pay for the gun and bullets, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."

Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control wackos running amok, I did just as she had instructed. When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card reader.

I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future. They need to make their instructions to seniors a little clearer.

I still don't think I looked that bad.
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Old 07-05-2016, 10:34 AM   #3942
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Good one, Harley!


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Old 07-05-2016, 02:38 PM   #3943
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On opening his new store, a man received a bouquet of flowers. He became dismayed on reading the enclosed card, it expressed "Deepest Sympathy." While puzzling of the message, his telephone rang. It was the florist, apologizing for having sent the wrong card. "Oh, it's alright," said the storekeeper. "I'm a businessman and I understand how these things can happen." "But," added the florist, "I accidentally sent your card to a funeral party." "Well, what did it say?" asked the storekeeper. "Congratulations on you're new location," was the reply.
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Old 07-05-2016, 02:57 PM   #3944
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... and just what is Victoria's secret? ...
Obviously, Victoria has not let you see, er, know.
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Old 07-16-2016, 04:48 PM   #3945
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Old 07-22-2016, 12:12 PM   #3946
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Old 07-25-2016, 10:55 AM   #3947
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Originally Posted by harley View Post
Yesterday, I went over to the local Bass Pro Shop to get a small 9mm for home protection. When I was ready to pay for the gun and bullets, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."

Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control wackos running amok, I did just as she had instructed. When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card reader.

I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future. They need to make their instructions to seniors a little clearer.

I still don't think I looked that bad.
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Old 07-25-2016, 02:33 PM   #3948
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During a commercial airline flight an experienced Air Force pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe in her arms. When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began breast feeding the infant as discreetly as possible. The pilot pretended not to notice, and upon disembarking he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby related items. When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, "That's a good looking baby, and he sure was hungry!" Somewhat embarrassed the mother explained that her pediatrician said that the time spent on the breast would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears. The Air Force pilot sadly shook his head and, in true pilot fashion exclaimed, "And all these years, I've been chewing gum!"
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Old 07-25-2016, 02:54 PM   #3949
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"And all these years, I've been chewing gum!"
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Old 07-29-2016, 10:48 AM   #3950
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Old 07-31-2016, 04:17 PM   #3951
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Weary of constantly picking clothes up off the floor of her son's room, a mother finally laid down the law. Each item of clothing she had to pick up would cost her son 25 cents. By the end of the week he owed her $1.50. She received the money promptly, along with a 50 cent tip, and a note that read. "Thanks, Mom. Keep up the good work!"


A husband and wife were driving through Louisiana. As they approached Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth, then stopped for lunch. At the counter, the husband asked the blonde waitress, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are very slowly?" She leaned over the counter and said, "Burrr-gerrr King."
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Old 08-03-2016, 09:06 PM   #3952
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Old 08-05-2016, 09:41 AM   #3953
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..
Yep, this is the garden of an Octogenarian who thinks she's actually accurately written down the correct lyrics; she's now in a 'Different Dimension.'

Now, sing with me...

When I croon in the Old Folks House
And My brain has gone to Mars
Then police will try to ban it
So I can no longer drive the cars…

This is the dawning of the age of Asparagus
The age when we're delirious
Curious!
Hilarious!
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Old 08-10-2016, 01:07 PM   #3954
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Here is one for the teachers:
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Old 08-11-2016, 09:43 AM   #3955
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A guy walked into a crowded bar, waving his upholstered pistol and yelled, "I have a 45 caliber Colt 1911 with a seven round magazine plus one in the chamber and I want to know who's been sleeping with my wife."

A voice from the back of the room called out,

"You need more ammo."
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Old 08-11-2016, 10:04 AM   #3956
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upholstered pistol
At least if he threw it at you it probably wouldn't hurt that much.
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Old 08-11-2016, 10:12 AM   #3957
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At least if he threw it at you it probably wouldn't hurt that much.
That'll teach me to proof read someone else's jokes, instead of just doing a cut & paste!
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Old 08-11-2016, 12:34 PM   #3958
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Old 08-11-2016, 01:17 PM   #3959
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A guy walked into a crowded bar, waving his upholstered pistol and yelled, "I have a 45 caliber Colt 1911 with a seven round magazine plus one in the chamber and I want to know who's been sleeping with my wife."

A voice from the back of the room called out,

"You need more ammo."
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nemo2 View Post
That'll teach me to proof read someone else's jokes, instead of just doing a cut & paste!
I was in the bar at the time. The gun was definitely upholstered with quite a fetching and rich-looking fabric. (Which might explain, in part, why his wife was sleeping around).
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Old 08-11-2016, 01:20 PM   #3960
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Some Texans are mingling at the bar when an Oxford graduate walks in. “Howdy, stranger,” one Texan says. “Where are you from?”

The Oxford graduate answers, “I come from a place where we do not end our sentences in prepositions.”

“Oh, I’m sorry,” replies the Texan. “Where are you from, jackass?”
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