Join Early Retirement Today
Reply
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread Display Modes
Old 08-11-2016, 03:03 PM   #3961
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
braumeister's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 6,456
Quote:
Originally Posted by OneDay View Post
Some Texans are mingling at the bar when an Oxford graduate walks in. “Howdy, stranger,” one Texan says. “Where are you from?”

The Oxford graduate answers, “I come from a place where we do not end our sentences in prepositions.”

“Oh, I’m sorry,” replies the Texan. “Where are you from, jackass?”
Something up with which I will not put.
__________________

__________________
braumeister is offline   Reply With Quote
Join the #1 Early Retirement and Financial Independence Forum Today - It's Totally Free!

Are you planning to be financially independent as early as possible so you can live life on your own terms? Discuss successful investing strategies, asset allocation models, tax strategies and other related topics in our online forum community. Our members range from young folks just starting their journey to financial independence, military retirees and even multimillionaires. No matter where you fit in you'll find that Early-Retirement.org is a great community to join. Best of all it's totally FREE!

You are currently viewing our boards as a guest so you have limited access to our community. Please take the time to register and you will gain a lot of great new features including; the ability to participate in discussions, network with our members, see fewer ads, upload photographs, create a retirement blog, send private messages and so much, much more!

Old 08-11-2016, 03:51 PM   #3962
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Nemo2's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Belleville, ONT
Posts: 2,580
Quote:
Originally Posted by OneDay View Post
replies the Texan. “Where are you from, jackass?”
I think I may have been to Jackass, TX......isn't it near Wink?
__________________

__________________
"Exit, pursued by a bear."

The Winter's Tale, William Shakespeare
Nemo2 is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 08-11-2016, 04:06 PM   #3963
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
DFW_M5's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2003
Posts: 4,703
You can retire to Phoenix, Arizona where...
1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away from your house because you found shade.
2. You've experienced condensation on your ass from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??
OR
You can retire to California where...
1. You make over $450,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought.
OR
You can retire to New York City where...
1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan .
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is "nature."
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn. (IF you have a car).
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.
OR
You can retire to Minnesota where...
1. You only have three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup ..
2. Halloween costumes have to fit over parkas.
3. You have seventeen recipes for casserole.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road repair.
6. The highest level of criticism is "He is different, she is different or It was different!
OR
You can retire to The Deep South where...
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. "He needed killin" is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Joe Bob, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.
5. Everywhere is either: "in yonder," "over yonder" or "out yonder".
OR
You can retire to Colorado where...
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home, so he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.
OR
You can retire to Nebraska where...
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is three cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at.
OR
FINALLY You can retire to Florida where...
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent cardiologist, dermatologist, proctologist, podiatrist, or orthopedist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.
__________________
Doing things today that others won't, to do things tomorrow that others can't. Of course I'm referring to workouts, not robbing banks.
DFW_M5 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-11-2016, 04:18 PM   #3964
Moderator
Alan's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Eee Bah Gum
Posts: 19,094
....
Attached Images
File Type: png Screen Shot 2016-08-11 at 22.17.31.png (468.0 KB, 54 views)
__________________
Retired in Jan, 2010 at 55
Now it's adventure before dementia
Alan is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-11-2016, 04:40 PM   #3965
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
REWahoo's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Texas Hill Country
Posts: 39,465
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nemo2 View Post
I think I may have been to Jackass, TX......isn't it near Wink?
No, it's next to Muleshoe.
__________________
Numbers is hard.

Retired in 2005 at age 58, no pension

REWahoo is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-11-2016, 05:21 PM   #3966
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Nemo2's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Belleville, ONT
Posts: 2,580
Quote:
Originally Posted by REWahoo View Post
No, it's next to Muleshoe.
Closest I got was Amarillo.
__________________
"Exit, pursued by a bear."

The Winter's Tale, William Shakespeare
Nemo2 is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 08-11-2016, 08:31 PM   #3967
Recycles dryer sheets
 
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 348
Quote:
Originally Posted by BigBob View Post

That was me at the Starbucks! Just a large black coffee (I refuse to order the listed sizes).


Have the day you deserve, and let Karma sort it out.

Sent from my iPad using Early Retirement Forum
__________________
Taxman59 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-12-2016, 04:39 PM   #3968
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Huston55's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: The Bay Area
Posts: 1,308
Quote:
Originally Posted by REWahoo View Post
No, it's next to Muleshoe.
I have relatives in Muleshoe, and I can attest to the fact that they are good people (i.e.: not close to [a] jackass)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Nemo2 View Post
Closest I got was Amarillo.
And, I grew up in a town where everyone thought of Amarillo as 'the big city.'
(Of course, that's everywhere in the Panhandle. )
__________________
You may be whatever you resolve to be.
Huston55 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-12-2016, 04:46 PM   #3969
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso) Give me a forum ...
REWahoo's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Texas Hill Country
Posts: 39,465
Quote:
Originally Posted by Huston55 View Post
I have relatives in Muleshoe, and I can attest to the fact that they are good people (i.e.: not close to [a] jackass)
No argument here. DD#2's college roommate was from Muleshoe and we attended her wedding there a few years ago. Finest kind...
__________________
Numbers is hard.

Retired in 2005 at age 58, no pension

REWahoo is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-17-2016, 01:17 PM   #3970
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Nemo2's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Belleville, ONT
Posts: 2,580
Again, received via e-mail:

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism, or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal: he'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise rabbi to represent them in the debate. However, as the rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate.

On the chosen day, the Pope and rabbi sat opposite each other.

The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.

The rabbi looked back and raised one finger.

Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.

The rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.

The rabbi pulled out an apple.

With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy.

Later, the Cardinals met with the Pope, and asked him what had happened.

The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our faiths. Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. The rabbi responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and host to show that through the perfect sacrifice, Jesus has atoned for our sins, but the rabbi pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He bested me at every move and I could not continue."

Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the rabbi how he'd won.

"I haven't a clue," said the rabbi. "First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger. Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews, but I told him emphatically that we were staying right here."

"And then what?" asked a woman.

"Who knows?" said the rabbi. "He took out his lunch, so I took out mine."
__________________
"Exit, pursued by a bear."

The Winter's Tale, William Shakespeare
Nemo2 is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 08-18-2016, 10:23 AM   #3971
Recycles dryer sheets
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 184
2 cops came to my door the other night. I didn't open it.
"What do you want?" I said through the closed door.
"We just want to talk."
"How many of you are there?" I asked.
"Two."

"Well why don't you just talk to each other?"
__________________
doneat58 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-31-2016, 12:45 PM   #3972
Dryer sheet wannabe
 
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 13
What do you call a dinosaur that gets up early?

A crack-o-don
__________________
You get what you inspect, not what you expect.
2Pizzas is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-04-2016, 10:15 AM   #3973
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
Amethyst's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 4,640
I apologize - these are not actually jokes.

Product Name Fails You Won't Believe
__________________
If you understood everything I say, you'd be me ~ Miles Davis
'There is only one success – to be able to spend your life in your own way.’ Christopher Morley.
Amethyst is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-04-2016, 03:09 PM   #3974
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
braumeister's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 6,456
Subject: Pfizer and Pepsi Merger

The new Pepper Upper Drink

This will no doubt put Coca Cola out of business in the near future…!

The Pfizer Corporation announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form and this new product will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer.

It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.

Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of cocktails, highballs and just a good old-fashioned stiff drink.
Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.


Thought for the day...There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2025, there should be a large elderly population with perky
boobs, huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

__________________
braumeister is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-04-2016, 07:05 PM   #3975
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Posts: 9,782
Quote:
Originally Posted by Amethyst View Post
I apologize - these are not actually jokes.

Product Name Fails You Won't Believe
They forgot the Ford Probe. Have you seen any of those lately? No, didn't think so!
__________________
Meadbh is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-04-2016, 07:07 PM   #3976
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Posts: 9,782
Quote:
Originally Posted by braumeister View Post
Subject: Pfizer and Pepsi Merger

The new Pepper Upper Drink

This will no doubt put Coca Cola out of business in the near future…!

The Pfizer Corporation announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form and this new product will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer.

It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.

Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of cocktails, highballs and just a good old-fashioned stiff drink.
Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.


Thought for the day...There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2025, there should be a large elderly population with perky
boobs, huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

Viagra is produced in Ringaskiddy, Cork, Ireland, where it is known as the Pfizer Riser.

http://mudcat.org/thread.cfm?threadid=39514
__________________
Meadbh is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-04-2016, 10:31 PM   #3977
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
harley's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Following the nice weather
Posts: 5,863
Quote:
Originally Posted by Amethyst View Post
I apologize - these are not actually jokes.

Product Name Fails You Won't Believe
Actually, I think they are.
__________________
"Good judgment comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement." - Will Rogers
DW and I - FIREd at 50 (7/06), living off assets
harley is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-05-2016, 07:39 AM   #3978
Recycles dryer sheets
 
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Grapetown
Posts: 308
They do sell Butt Paste; it's used as a diaper ointment to prevent diaper rash.
__________________
Winemaker is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-05-2016, 10:09 AM   #3979
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
bbbamI's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Dallas 'burb
Posts: 8,979
__________________
There's no need to complicate, our time is short..
bbbamI is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-05-2016, 07:35 PM   #3980
Recycles dryer sheets
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 253
Quote:
Originally Posted by Winemaker View Post
They do sell Butt Paste; it's used as a diaper ointment to prevent diaper rash.
Diaper Rash & Skin Care Products | Boudreaux's Butt Paste
__________________

__________________
You do not have a soul. You are a soul. You have a body.
folivier is online now   Reply With Quote
Reply


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 2 (0 members and 2 guests)
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
A new low - this has got to be a joke Cool Dood FIRE and Money 9 07-11-2006 05:05 PM
Funny Joke Friday. Cut-Throat Other topics 1 07-07-2006 04:48 PM
Funny Car Ad TromboneAl Other topics 2 07-01-2005 09:21 PM

 

 
All times are GMT -6. The time now is 07:50 AM.
 
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.8 Beta 1
Copyright ©2000 - 2016, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.