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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 06-17-2005, 03:05 PM   #21
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Notth

Plus having moved from the east coast to CA, it allows one to watch the games at 1pm and 4pm as god intended, not at 10am and 1am.* Fer chrissakes you cant even crack open a beer at 10am in good conscience.* Thanks be to the inventor of the bloody mary.
I couldn't get use to the 10 am games either. Football and coffee, a bad idea. Bloody Mary, Hmmm.
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 06-17-2005, 03:13 PM   #22
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Mimosas are good too, and chock full of vitamin C !

I have the tivo start recording, my dad and a couple of friends drop by for lunch at 12, at 1:00 we start watching. The beauty of tivo is watching something while its still being recorded, or watching one thing while recording another...something you cant do with a vcr. By 5pm we've watched the early game and catch up to the end of the late game just before its over. Then dinner and a few hours later start watching the sunday night game at 7-8pm instead of 5. Something else I still cant get used to...watching sunday or monday 'night' football and then not going to bed immediately after its over. :P
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 06-17-2005, 03:48 PM   #23
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Notth
Yep, first thing I noticed when I got a tivo was that I could watch twice as much stuff in the same time, or the same stuff in half time.

Football games are amazing. You skip the blah blah and the commercials and you can watch a four hour game in under 2. In fact, if things get boring, I found if I hit the '30 second skip' button as soon as a guy is tackled it gets just about to the point where the QB is about to take the snap. Nice.

I believe it was James Michener who wrote a book called "Sports in America". Seems if you do away with the commercials, timeouts, and the huddles you get 12 repeat 12 minutes of action in a football game. Average play lasts 6 seconds. No wonder it's perfect for tv. All that commercial time.
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 06-17-2005, 08:14 PM   #24
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

I know, I know...it's Friday. But since I retired three weeks ago I've had a little trouble keeping up with the day of the week (and I'm lovin' it! ).

----------------

Mother Superior calls all the nuns together and says to them, "I must tell you something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."

"Thank goodness," says an elderly nun at the back. "I am so tired of Chardonnay."

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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 06-17-2005, 09:36 PM   #25
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

I only knew it was thursday because I checked...
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 06-23-2005, 08:16 AM   #26
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Well I looked, and it is Thursday.

RED SKELTON'S TIPS FOR A LASTING MARRIAGE



1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Calif. and mine is in Texas.


3. I take my wife everywhere.....but she keeps finding her way back.


4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.


5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.


6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.


7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was; she told me "In the lake."


8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.


9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said "No, jump in!"

10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.


11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was "Always".


12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.


13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked "What's on the TV?" I said "Dust!"

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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 06-23-2005, 10:22 AM   #27
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Eagle 43:

Hilarious stuff Loved that guy.

Game 7 tonight. Hope Duncan and company can put it together. (Have money on San Antonio).

Jarhead
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 06-23-2005, 11:24 AM   #28
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the
Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked,
"What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a
Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said the man, "Whose clock is that?" "That’s Mother Teresa’s.
The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"

St. Peter responded, "That’s Abraham Lincoln’s clock. The hands have moved
twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where’s Bill Clinton’s clock?" asked the man.

"Clinton’s clock is in Jesus’ office. He’s using it as a ceiling fan."
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 06-23-2005, 11:26 AM   #29
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Quote:
Originally Posted by ex-Jarhead
Eagle 43:




Game 7 tonight. Hope Duncan and company can put it together. (Have money on San Antonio).

Jarhead
That is funnier than Red Skelton, money on San Antonio...


Detroit all the way for me.
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 06-23-2005, 11:27 AM   #30
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a barstool and orders a drink.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender,

'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

"Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair -
given that you are blind - that you should know five things:

1 The bartender is a blonde girl.

2 The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3 I'm a 6 feet tall, 180 pound blonde woman with a black belt
in karate.

4 The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a
professional weightlifter.

5 The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional
wrestler.

Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that
joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares,

"Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 06-23-2005, 11:31 AM   #31
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Three ducks walk into a bar.
"Say, what's your name?" asked the bartender to the first duck.
"Huey," replied the first duck.
"How's your day been, Huey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day.
What else could a duck want?" said the duck.

"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender.* Then he said to the second duck, "Hi. And what's your name?"
"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.
"So, how's your day been, Dewey?" he asked.
"Great. lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles
all day* myself. What else could a duck want?"*

So the bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"

"No," she said, batting her eyelashes. "My name is Puddles."
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 06-23-2005, 11:34 AM   #32
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

An elderly man, age 92, and woman, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore. The old man suggests they go in. He addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers "Yes".

Old man: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Old man: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Old man: "Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Old man: "How about Viagra?"
Pharmacist: "Of course."

Old man: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Old man: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Old man: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Old man: "Great. We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."
---------------------

Go Spurs!
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 06-23-2005, 11:38 AM   #33
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Quote:
Originally Posted by ex-Jarhead
Eagle 43:

Hilarious stuff Loved that guy.

Game 7 tonight. Hope Duncan and company can put it together. (Have money on San Antonio).

Jarhead
Hey JarHead, Yakkers is contradicting us. However, if Duncan doesn't step up, he could be right.

So this woman is lying in bed for hours with her lover, in her house. Phone rings, she answers, and her part of the conversation: "Where are you? Hmmm! That's Nice. You winning? Ok, See you about 7"

When she hangs up, her lover verifies: "That was your husband, right?"
"yep", she replies, "he told me he was playing golf with you!"

Go San Antonio.
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 06-23-2005, 06:04 PM   #34
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Eagle43
RED SKELTON'S TIPS FOR A LASTING MARRIAGE
Oldie but goody! I didn't know Gertrude and Heathcliff were married.
He was hilarious in his day
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 06-23-2005, 06:07 PM   #35
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

A repeater, but a good one. Technically this was determined by scientists to be the funniest joke in the world...

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses

He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 06-23-2005, 06:44 PM   #36
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

My absolute favorite joke and it's easy to remember and tell. Heard it in a bar one nite--about fifty times--by an old drunk sitting next to me. I enjoyed it every time:

Why did Mickey Mouse divorce Minnie Mouse?

She was f****g Goofy.
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 06-23-2005, 06:48 PM   #37
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Well whatta ya want, he doesnt wear any pants!

The original had the divorce court judge telling Mickey he couldnt find in his favor over a divorce because he didnt see that Minnie had any mental incompetency.

Mickey interrupted "I didnt say she was crazy! I said she was ****ing goofy!"
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 06-23-2005, 10:11 PM   #38
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

If Mickey was a mouse and Pluto was a dog, what was Goofy?
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 06-23-2005, 10:23 PM   #39
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Two couples from Kerry (substitute any small country town you like here) decide to swap partners . . . after 3 hours of rampant sex - Paddy turns and says, I wonder how the women are getting on?
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 06-24-2005, 12:40 PM   #40
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Quote:
Originally Posted by riskaverse
If Mickey was a mouse and Pluto was a dog, what was Goofy?
A dog that could use the internet...
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