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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 12-25-2005, 08:08 AM   #381
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

I can't take credit for that being my family but it sure sounds like something my brother would do. I'm happy to bring some laughter to your day and Merry Christmas.
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 12-27-2005, 10:33 PM   #382
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Jarhead, tightly gripping a bag of fresh wheat bread, stands on the street and manages to get a taxi even though it is the peak of rush hour. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like John Gault."

"Who?" asks Jarhead.

"JG. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to JG every single time."

"There are always a few clouds over everybody," says Jarhead.

"Not JG. He was a financial wizard. He made all the right business moves and retired when he was in the prime of his life. His IQ was off the chart. He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He was superbly self-confident and believed he could do anything. Not like me. I constantly second guess myself."

"No wonder you remember him." says Jarhead

"Well, I never actually met JG."

"Then how do you know so much about him?" asks Jarhead.

"I married his widow."

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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 12-29-2005, 07:51 AM   #383
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

A guy met a girl and was invited back to her
place for the night. As they went into her bedroom, he noticed that the area above the
bed was a large amount of shelving filled with
stuffed animals. In addition to that the rest of the room had stuffed animals all over. (Windowsill, on the floor, and spread all over the bed).

Later, after they'd had sex, he turned to her and
asked, "So how was I?"

"Well," she said, "you can take anything from the bottom shelf."
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 12-29-2005, 09:33 AM   #384
 
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Quote:
Did I read this wrong. The policeman arrested her, not him, right? Or he was arrested for "buying" not "selling"

I'm not a stickler on these things.
Yes, thanks for catching that -- I wasn't thinking when I wrote it. I've edited the original.
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 12-30-2005, 08:01 AM   #385
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Students were assigned to read 2 books, "Titanic" & "My Life" by Bill Clinton. One smart ass student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report:

Titanic: $29.99
Clinton : $29.99



Titanic: Over 3 hours to read
Clinton : Over 3 hours to read



Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and
subsequent catastrophe.



Clinton : The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and
subsequent catastrophe.



Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton : Bill is a bullshit artist.



Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton : Ditto for Bill.



Titanic: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton : Ditto for Monica.



Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton : Let's not go there.



Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton : Monica's forced to return her gifts.



Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton : Clinton doesn't remember Jack.



Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton : Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either.



Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton : Bill goes home to Hilary...basically the same thing.
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 12-31-2005, 01:45 PM   #386
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

As the airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts, etc... Finally, she said "Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Kathy LaSauce and crew take you safely to your destination."

Jarhead, sitting in coach munching on a jam sandwich (two slices of wheat bread jammed together), thought to himself, "Did I hear her right, is the captain a woman? I think I better have a drink."

When the attendants came by with the drink cart, he said, "Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?"

"Yes," said the attendant. "In fact, this entire crew is female."

"My God," said Jarhead, "I'd better have two of those little whiskey bottles to settle my nerves. I don't know what to think of all those women up there in the cockpit."

"Oh," said the attendant. "we no longer call it the cockpit. Now it's the box office."

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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 01-05-2006, 08:05 AM   #387
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Hope this one isn't posted here somewhere..

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the* *blood, as you know, would run into it, and I* would turn red in the face.."
"Yes," the class said.
"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"
A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."

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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 01-05-2006, 08:15 AM   #388
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

(No wheat bread here...)

After watching sales falling off for three straight months at Kentucky Fried
Chicken, the Colonel calls up the Pope and asks for a favor.

The Pope says, "What can I do?"

The Colonel says. "I need you to change the daily prayer from, 'Give us this
day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily chicken.' If you do it,
I'll donate 10 million dollars to the Vatican."

The Pope replies, "I am sorry. That is the Lord's Prayer and I can not
change the words."

So the Colonel hangs up. After another month of dismal sales, the Colonel
panics, and calls again. "Listen, Your Excellency. I really need your help.
I'll donate $50 million dollars if you change the words of the daily prayer
from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily
chicken.'"

And the Pope responds, "It is very tempting, Colonel Sanders. The church
could do a lot of good with that much money. It would help us to support
many charities. But again, I must decline. It is the Lord's Prayer, and I
can't change the words."

So the Colonel gives up again.

After two more months of terrible sales, the Colonel gets desperate. "This
is my final offer, your Excellency. If you change the words of the daily
prayer from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our
daily chicken,' I will donate $100 million to the Vatican.

The Pope replies, "Let me get back to you."

So the next day, the Pope calls together all of his bishops and he says, "I
have some good news and I have some bad news. The good news is that KFC is
going to donate $100 million to the Vatican."

The bishops rejoice at the news. Then one asks about the bad news. The pope
replies, "The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread account."
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 01-05-2006, 04:01 PM   #389
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

The Knob Facelift

A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift.
The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob", where a small knob is placed on the top of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face
lift. Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob."

Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant.

After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems.

First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them."

The doctor looked at her closely and said," Those aren't bags, those are your breasts."

She said, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee."


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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 01-05-2006, 07:21 PM   #390
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

A married executive took a business trip to Palm Beach. The weather was so nice that he decided to stay an extra week. He e-mailed his best friend with the message. "Hop on the next plane for a week of fun on me. Bring my wife and your mistress".

A few hours later, his friend e-mailed back "Your wife and I are arriving tomorrow at noon.
How long have you known about us?"


Jarhead, who agrees with ReWahoo, that Texas is the best college team in the country.
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 01-08-2006, 11:59 PM   #391
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

This one's for you, CubeRat:

The mouse that roared in flames

Thrown into fire, trapped critter gets revenge setting N. M. home ablaze

The Associated Press
Updated: 8:01 p.m. ET Jan. 8, 2006

FORT SUMNER, N.M. - A mouse wreaked its vengeance against a homeowner who tried to dispose of it in a pile of burning leaves. The blazing creature ran back to the mans house and set it on fire.

Luciano Mares, 81, of Fort Sumner said he caught the mouse inside his house and wanted to get rid of it.

I had some leaves burning outside, so I threw it in the fire, and the mouse was on fire and ran back at the house, Mares said from a motel room Saturday.

Village Fire Chief Juan Chavez said the burning mouse ran to just beneath a window, and the flames spread up from there and throughout the house.

No was hurt inside, but the home and everything in it was destroyed.

Unseasonably dry and windy conditions have charred more than 53,000 acres and destroyed 10 homes in southeastern New Mexico in recent weeks.

Ive seen numerous house fires, village Fire Department Capt. Jim Lyssy said, but nothing as unique as this one.

(I'm waiting for the followup on the mouse's status...)
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 01-09-2006, 06:38 AM   #392
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

I saw that when I logged into AOL this morning, IMO he got what he (the home ower) deserved!
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 01-09-2006, 10:47 PM   #393
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Now the 'Protect the mouse' people will probably go after him for inhumane killing of a mouse.
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 01-10-2006, 09:31 AM   #394
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

I think they should make him watch "willard"...both of them...over and over. In that setup they had malcolm mcdowell hooked up to in 'clockwork orange'.

My bet is after a few days, he wont even be able to look at crispin glover or michael jackson again.
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 01-10-2006, 12:02 PM   #395
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

A South American scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has
discovered that people with insufficient sexual activity read their
e-mail with their hand on the mouse.




Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late ......LOL
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 01-10-2006, 03:10 PM   #396
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Outtahere
A South American scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has
discovered that people with insufficient sexual activity read their
e-mail with their hand on the mouse.




Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late ......LOL
So what was the joke?

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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 01-10-2006, 04:43 PM   #397
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

You still have a hand left over for touching wood...
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 01-10-2006, 05:54 PM   #398
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Is this the right time for me to mention my oversized wireless mouse?
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 01-10-2006, 09:48 PM   #399
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Quote:
Originally Posted by ()
Is this the right time for me to mention my oversized wireless mouse?
With enhanced optics for lower friction!
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 01-11-2006, 12:35 PM   #400
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

This is for the women:

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him. The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. Before she could offer her apologies for so rudely staring, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky for $20.00......on one condition."*

Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. Then he replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly, and meaningfully said....



"Clean my house."

8)
CJ

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