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Old 10-13-2016, 09:21 PM   #4001
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The NEW "Rules of Life"

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. Don't worry about what people think - they don't do it very often.

3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.

4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

8. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.

13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

16. A balanced diet is a muffin in each hand.

17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

21. Experience is a wonderful thing - It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

24. Someone who thinks logically provides nice contrast to the real world.

25. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.

26. If you had to identify in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved it's full potential, that word would be "meetings."

27. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

28. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

29. You should not confuse your career with your life.

30. Nobody cares if you can't dance well - Just get up and dance.

31. Never lick a steak knife.

32. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

33. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

34. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

35. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe we are good drivers.

36. No matter what, your mother loves you!

Now, go out there and HAVE A GREAT DAY
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Old 10-21-2016, 06:54 AM   #4002
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Old 10-23-2016, 05:23 PM   #4003
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THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK

Indubitably

Innovative

Preliminary

Proliferation

Cinnamon


THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK

Specificity

British Constitution

Passive-aggressive disorder

Loquacious

Transubstantiate


THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK

"Thanks, but I don't want to have $ ex"

"Nope, no more booze for me"

"Sorry, but you're not really my type"

"Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?"

"Oh I couldn't, nobody wants to hear me sing...."
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Old 10-23-2016, 07:02 PM   #4004
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mickeyd View Post
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK

Indubitably

Innovative

Preliminary

Proliferation

Cinnamon


THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK

Specificity

British Constitution

Passive-aggressive disorder

Loquacious

Transubstantiate


THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK

"Thanks, but I don't want to have $ ex"

"Nope, no more booze for me"

"Sorry, but you're not really my type"

"Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?"

"Oh I couldn't, nobody wants to hear me sing...."
Things that are difficult to say - sober

"Toy Boat" (if you can say it once, try it 6 times.)
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Old 10-30-2016, 10:51 AM   #4005
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...
Seems reasonable to me.
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Comedy Wildlife Photo Contest
Old 11-17-2016, 09:40 AM   #4006
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Comedy Wildlife Photo Contest

This isn't really a joke, but today is Thursday and I challenge everyone to look at these photos and not smile.

2016 Winners :: Comedy Wildlife Photography Awards - Conservation through Competition

Here's one for a teaser:

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Help I'm In Jail!
Old 11-18-2016, 10:43 PM   #4007
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Help I'm In Jail!

The police arrested me for having the ugliest face in town.

Can you please come over and show them they got the wrong person?
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Old 11-19-2016, 05:19 AM   #4008
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Give me a forum ...
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I got a job at the transmission factory.
It's shift work.
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Old 11-19-2016, 09:53 AM   #4009
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Some cause happiness wherever they go.
Others whenever they go.
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Old 11-19-2016, 10:08 AM   #4010
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One of the best cartoons I have in a while:

Frank & Ernest Comic Strip, November 19, 2016 on GoComics.com
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Old 11-19-2016, 01:22 PM   #4011
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Sugar is the only word in the English language where "su" makes the "sh" sound.

At least I'm pretty sure....
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Old 11-19-2016, 10:24 PM   #4012
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
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A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut, but the barber refused, saying, “It's free. You do God’s work.”

The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop.

A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused to pay, saying, “You protect the public.”

The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop.

A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment, saying, “You serve the justice system.”

The next morning the barber found a dozen lawyers waiting for a free haircut.
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Watch Your Words on Turkey Day
Old 11-20-2016, 12:23 PM   #4013
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Watch Your Words on Turkey Day

Things Sounding Dirty on Thanksgiving, but aren't


"Whew, that's one terrific spread!"
"I'm in the mood for a little dark meat."
"Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist."
"Talk about a huge breast!"
"It's Cool Whip time!"
"If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!"
"Are you ready for seconds yet?"
"It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?"
"Just wait your turn, you'll get some!"
"Don't play with your meat."
"Just spread the legs open & stuff it in."
"Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?"
"I didn't expect everyone to come at once!"
"You still have a little bit on your chin."
"Use a nice smooth stroke when you whip it."
"How long will it take after you stick it in?"
"You'll know it's ready when it pops up."
"Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!"
"How many are coming?"
"That's the biggest one I've ever seen!"
"Just lay back & take it easy... I'll do the rest."
"How long do I beat it before it's ready
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Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. Groucho Marx

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Old 11-21-2016, 11:59 PM   #4014
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Husband finds a Photo of himself in his wifes purse

Husband - You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?

Wife - When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.

Husband - You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?

Wife - Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?"
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Old 11-22-2016, 07:16 PM   #4015
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Old 11-23-2016, 07:36 PM   #4016
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There's a line of people waiting that goes halfway down the block.
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Resurrection
Old 11-24-2016, 11:32 PM   #4017
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Resurrection

This is what happens when your child is exposed to too many commercials on TV.

A Baptist pastor was presenting a children's sermon.

During the sermon, he asked the children if they knew what the resurrection was.

Now, asking questions during children's sermons is crucial, but at the same time, asking children questions in front of a congregation can also be very dangerous.

Having asked the children if they knew the meaning of the resurrection, a little boy raised his hand........

The pastor called on him and the little boy said, "I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor."

It took over ten minutes for the congregation to settle down enough for the service to continue.
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Old 12-06-2016, 09:06 AM   #4018
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A forester and a lawyer were in car accident and showed up at the pearly gates together.

St. Peter greets them at the pearly gates and takes them to the homes where they will spend all of eternity. They get into St. Peter's holy vehicle and head on down a gold road, which turns into a platinum road, which turns onto an even grander road paved with diamonds, to a huge mansion where St. Peter turns to the lawyer and says, here is your home for the rest of eternity, enjoy! And if there is anything you need, just let me know.

Then St. Peter took the forester to his home, back down the diamond studded boulevard, down the platinum highway, down the street of gold, down an avenue of silver, along a stone alley and down an unpaved footpath to a shack. St Peter says "Here you go" and goes to leave when the forester says "Wait a minute!, how come the lawyer gets the big mansion and I get this shack?"

St. Peter says: "Well, Foresters are a dime a dozen here, we have never had a lawyer before."
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Old 12-06-2016, 11:53 AM   #4019
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Originally Posted by calmloki View Post
Sugar is the only word in the English language where "su" makes the "sh" sound.

At least I'm pretty sure....
Surely that can't be true!
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Old 12-08-2016, 07:27 AM   #4020
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A fellow stopped at a rural gas station and, after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and he watched a couple of men working along the roadside. One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was about 25 feet behind filling in the old. The men worked right past the fellow with the soft drink and went on down the road. "I can't stand this," said the man tossing the can in a trash container and heading down the road toward the men.

"Hold it, hold it," he said to the men. "Can you tell me what's going on here with this digging?"

"Well, we work for the county government, " one of the men said.

"But one of you is digging a hole and the other is filling it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the county's money?"

"You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. "Normally there's three of us--me, Rodney and Mike. I dig the hole, Rodney sticks in the tree and Mike here puts the dirt back."

"Yea," piped up Mike. "Now just because Rodney's sick, that don't mean we can't work, does it?"
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