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Old 02-08-2017, 07:40 PM   #4061
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Three men die and go to heaven where it has been decreed that to each will be given a vehicle to use according to his deeds.

The first man arrives and St. Peter asks "How long were you married?"

"Twenty years," he answers.

"And how many times did you cheat on your wife?"

"Five times," he says.

"So be it," says St. Peter. "You may enter, but you will receive only a used Toyota Corolla."

The second man arrives and St. Peter asks the same question: "How many years were you married?"

"Forty years," the man answers.

"And you cheated on your wife how many times?" St. Peter asks.

"Only twice, St. Peter, and I’m ashamed of myself,” the man says.

"Okay, you may enter. Here are the keys to a Buick a little old lady only drove on Sundays."

Finally, it’s the third man’s turn and St. Peter asks the same questions.

The man answers proudly, "I was married for 60 years!"

When asked if he ever cheated on his wife, he proclaims, "Never! I would never do that!”

Peter is very impressed, and hands him the keys to a Ferrari.

"Enjoy!” St. Peter exclaims. “You deserve this!"

One day a number of years later, as the first and second man are driving their cars down heaven’s main drag, they come across the third man crying by the side of the road.

They stop and ask him, "What's the matter, buddy? Something wrong with the Ferrari?"

"No,” says the man, wiping away tears. "I just passed my wife a few blocks back, and she was riding a unicycle."
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Old 02-11-2017, 02:44 PM   #4062
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Thought I'd pop by for a quick "hello". So hello! All's well here in the Purron household. Hope this finds all of you well too. You helped guide us through some difficult decisions regarding retirement. We often check the forums when we have questions or concerns. =^..^=
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Old 02-11-2017, 03:21 PM   #4063
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Thought I'd pop by for a quick "hello". So hello! All's well here in the Purron household. Hope this finds all of you well too. You helped guide us through some difficult decisions regarding retirement. We often check the forums when we have questions or concerns. =^..^=
A "Hello" every 2 yrs, whether we need it or not!

Welcome back, hope life in Culpepper? is going well for you & DH. I used to live in Warrenton long ago.
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Old 02-15-2017, 07:40 AM   #4064
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Overheard at the meat counter of the local market

"I eat the cows which produce methane gas that effects global warming. You vegetarians eat the plants that could fix global warming. So who's REALLY killing the planet?
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Old 02-15-2017, 01:02 PM   #4065
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Mensa Invitational

Here is the Washington Post's Mensa Invitational which once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are the winners:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you

realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows
little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of
getting laid.

7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high

8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the Person

who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.


10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)


11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's
like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day
consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when
they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after
you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into
your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in
the fruit you're eating.

The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

And the winners are:

1. Coffee , n. The person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted , adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has
gained.

3. Abdicate , v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade , v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly , adj. Impotent.

6. Negligent , adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only
a nightgown.

7. Lymph , v. To walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle , n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence , n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been

run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash , n. A rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle , n. A humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude , n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by
proctologists.

13. Pokemon , n. A Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster , n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with
yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism , n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies
up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent , n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men
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Old 02-16-2017, 02:47 PM   #4066
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If only I knew this at the time of my trial...

"In ancient Rome, two men taking an oath of allegiance held each other's testicles, and men held their own testicles as a sign of truthfulness while bearing witness in a public forum". (from Psychology Today).
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Old 02-16-2017, 05:58 PM   #4067
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If only I knew this at the time of my trial...

"In ancient Rome, two men taking an oath of allegiance held each other's testicles, and men held their own testicles as a sign of truthfulness while bearing witness in a public forum". (from Psychology Today).
My lawyer told me that's where the word "testimony" comes from. They didn't have a bible back then. One would swear an oath on one's... well, you get the idea.
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Old 02-16-2017, 06:01 PM   #4068
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My lawyer told me that's where the word "testimony" comes from. They didn't have a bible back then. One would swear an oath on one's... well, you get the idea.
Don't tell us that someone else would dic(k)tate the statements.
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Old 02-16-2017, 06:35 PM   #4069
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Regarding the origin of the word testimony, it is strange that it is lost for thousands of years and only rediscovered now. So, some people still dispute it.
Students of Latin are often struck by the fact that the same Latin word testis meant both a “witness” and a “testicle.” ... Surprisingly, no scholar had satisfactorily accounted for the origin of this puzzling ambiguity until 1998, when the Princeton Classicist Joshua Katz published his article “Testimonia Ritus Italici: Male Genitalia, Solemn Declarations, and a New Latin Sound Law” in Harvard Studies in Classical Philology.
See: A "Witness" and a "Testicle"? A Linguistic Analysis of the Latin Word "Testis" - Carmenta Language School Blog.
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Old 02-16-2017, 08:32 PM   #4070
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I don't recall what I was originally looking for. But, honest, and I swear on a stack of testicles, I'm sure it wasn't about the origins of "testimony." By the way, stacking testicles to any appreciable height isn't as easy as it may sound. (However, I think I may have just come up with a game that the whole family can play).

Games aside, the search had a surprising pay-off. Yep, found me a new signature line, I did.

Voice from the crowd (sounding suspiciously like Nemo2): "duck, methinks thou ought to take a nap now."
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Old 02-16-2017, 09:38 PM   #4071
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About stacking, next time you should try a bamboo skewer.
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Old 02-17-2017, 08:12 AM   #4072
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Old 02-17-2017, 09:35 AM   #4073
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About stacking, next time you should try a bamboo skewer.
Gotta' love creative solutions to a problem that didn't exist until yesterday. Guess this proves that engineers truly are problem solvers.

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Yet another simple, but creative solution (but, to a different problem).
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Old 02-17-2017, 10:53 AM   #4074
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I woke up later than normal today. Same as yesterday. Found myself groggy, and had to make some coffee to help, though I have not been drinking coffee for at least a year now.

Usually that happens when I have a rough night, and have some bad dreams, although I usually cannot recall the dream when I wake up. The day before yesterday, I participated in a thread that somehow wandered off into elders' nudity. Yesterday, well, you know.

Coincidence or cause and effect? I don't know as I do not remember the bad dreams. But I have to be careful now, as I need good sleep for my mental health.
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Old 02-17-2017, 03:32 PM   #4075
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A middle-aged man comes home from work to find his middle-aged wife packing her suitcase.

"Where are you going ??" he asked.

"On Dr Phil's show, they just said that in Las Vegas, certain women are paid $250 for that which I give to you for FREE. I want to get paid !!"

The Husband goes and gets HIS suitcase and starts packing. "Where are you going?" the Wife asks.

"I'm going to Las Vegas to see how you are going to live on $500 a year !!"

bada-bump.
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Old 02-18-2017, 10:02 AM   #4076
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Plagiarized from another forum:

I don’t plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet. Rita Rudner

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. Will Rogers

The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again. Erma Bombeck

Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving. Author Unknown

An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets the more interested he is in her. Agatha Christie

Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read. George Burns

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work...I want to achieve it through not dying. Woody Allen

I’ve learned that life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes. Andy Rooney

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of algebra. Will Rogers

I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do. Phyllis Diller

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine. P.G. Wodehouse

My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping. Rita Rudner

At my age, flowers scare me. George Burns

I’m at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I’ve just had a mirror put over my kitchen table. Rodney Dangerfield

A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘“At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.” Claude Pepper

You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.
Bob Hope

He’s so old that when he orders a three-minute egg, they ask for the money up front. George Burns

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age — as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight. Phyllis Diller

So far, this is the oldest I’ve been. George Carlin

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere. Billy Crystal

How young can you die of old age? Steven Wright

As a graduate of the Zsa Zsa Gabor School of Creative mathematics, I honestly do not know how old I am. Erma Bombeck

Looking 50 is great if you’re 60. Joan Rivers

When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick. George Burns

There is no pleasure worth forgoing just for an extra three years in the geriatric ward. John Mortimer

You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred. Woody Allen

Middle age is when you still believe you’ll feel better in the morning. Bob Hope

People shop for a bathing suit with more care than they do a husband or wife. The rules are the same. Look for something you’ll feel comfortable wearing. Allow for room to grow. Erma Bombeck

I’m so old they’ve canceled my blood type. Bob Hope

You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, “See if you can blow this out.” Jerry Seinfeld

The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to the left. Jerry M. Wright

People ask me what I’d most appreciate getting for my 87th birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit. George Burns

Talk about getting old. I was getting dressed and a peeping tom looked in the window, took a look and pulled down the shade. Joan Rivers

It’s not that I’m afraid to die, I just don’t want to be there when it happens. Woody Allen

........ And to finish:

True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country. Kurt Vonnegut
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Old 02-18-2017, 11:17 AM   #4077
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Plagiarized from another forum:
...
Thanks for sharing. Quite a few gems there that I have not run across.
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Old 02-18-2017, 01:51 PM   #4078
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True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country. Kurt Vonnegut
This is one I've been thinking about lately.
Bush, Clinton, and Trump were all born within a couple of months of me.

[shudder]
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Old 02-23-2017, 03:11 PM   #4079
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A fish goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation."

The teller looks at the fish in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow. The fish says $30,000. The teller asks his name and the fish says that his name is Rainbow Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral. The fish says, "Sure, I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain fly rod and reel, about an inch long; detailed and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager. She disappears into a back office, where she locates the manager and tells him, "There's a fish named Rainbow Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny rod & reel. "I mean, what the heck is this??"

The bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick-knack, Patti Whack. Give the fish a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
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Old 02-23-2017, 03:29 PM   #4080
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A fish goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation."

The teller looks at the fish in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow. The fish says $30,000. The teller asks his name and the fish says that his name is Rainbow Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral. The fish says, "Sure, I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain fly rod and reel, about an inch long; detailed and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager. She disappears into a back office, where she locates the manager and tells him, "There's a fish named Rainbow Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny rod & reel. "I mean, what the heck is this??"

The bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick-knack, Patti Whack. Give the fish a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
Its amazing how some jokes get better with age, and some don't.
Now I can't get that dang song out of my head.
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