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Old 07-19-2017, 01:34 PM   #4161
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A man drives a woman to the local "lover's lane" and they begin to smooch a bit, then she says "I'm a professional, so this is going to cost you $20".

The man says "No problem" and pays her. After they finish what they came there for the man just sits behind the steering wheel, not going anywhere.

The woman asks "So, aren't we going back to town?"

The man says, "I'm a professional too. I'm a taxi driver, and the ride back to town will cost you $25".
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Old 07-21-2017, 04:56 AM   #4162
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Another cruise ship disaster!

http://www.theonion.com/article/shel...carnival-56448
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Old 07-21-2017, 06:22 AM   #4163
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Please, no naked links.
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Old 07-21-2017, 06:24 AM   #4164
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Please, no naked links.
Fixed. Apologies.
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Old 07-21-2017, 07:48 AM   #4165
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Thanks!
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Old 07-24-2017, 07:13 AM   #4166
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two aerials got married............

the reception was amazing!!!!
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Old 07-25-2017, 05:34 PM   #4167
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A 6 year old and a 4 year old are raking the yard.

The 6 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started learning to cuss."

The 4 year old nods his head in approval.

The 6 year old continues, "When we go in for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass."

The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerio's.

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step.

His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"

"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerio's!"
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Old 07-30-2017, 05:29 AM   #4168
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Stolen from elsewhere:


I asked the librarian if the library had any books about paranoia.

She whispered: "They're right behind you."
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Old 08-02-2017, 06:10 PM   #4169
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I Just realized something:

My dog has his food prepared for him. His meals are provided at no cost to him.

He visits the doctor once a year for his checkup, and again during the year if any medical needs arise. For this he pays nothing, and nothing is required of him.

He lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than he needs, but he is not required to do any upkeep. If he makes a mess, someone else cleans it up. He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep. He receives these accommodations absolutely free.

He is living like a king and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever. All of his costs are picked up by others who earn a living.

I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me --

MY dog is a CONGRESSMAN!
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Old 08-02-2017, 08:44 PM   #4170
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Originally Posted by braumeister View Post
I Just realized something:

My dog has his food prepared for him. His meals are provided at no cost to him.

He visits the doctor once a year for his checkup, and again during the year if any medical needs arise. For this he pays nothing, and nothing is required of him.

He lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than he needs, but he is not required to do any upkeep. If he makes a mess, someone else cleans it up. He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep. He receives these accommodations absolutely free.

He is living like a king and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever. All of his costs are picked up by others who earn a living.

I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me --

MY dog is a CONGRESSMAN!
So are all my pet chickens!
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Old 08-02-2017, 09:08 PM   #4171
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So are all my pet chickens!
I've eaten my chickens!

I think somehow it's a problem eating Congress members.
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Old 08-02-2017, 09:09 PM   #4172
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Originally Posted by braumeister View Post
I Just realized something:

My dog has his food prepared for him. His meals are provided at no cost to him.

He visits the doctor once a year for his checkup, and again during the year if any medical needs arise. For this he pays nothing, and nothing is required of him.

He lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than he needs, but he is not required to do any upkeep. If he makes a mess, someone else cleans it up. He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep. He receives these accommodations absolutely free.

He is living like a king and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever. All of his costs are picked up by others who earn a living.

I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me --

MY dog is a CONGRESSMAN!

So true.

I always tell friends that when I die, I want to come back as a dog... in my house.
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Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 08-17-2017, 10:29 AM   #4173
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Its funny joke Thursday!

Ran across this one this morning and realized it's Thursday.


Sunday Morning Sex

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

I will never hear church bells ringing again without smiling.
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Old 08-17-2017, 01:59 PM   #4174
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That is great!!!
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Old 08-17-2017, 02:18 PM   #4175
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funny, but true
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Old 08-19-2017, 07:36 PM   #4176
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Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive, double-pane, energy-efficient kind.
Today, I got a call from Home Depot who installed them. The caller complained that the work had been completed a year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.
Just because I'm a Senior Citizen doesn't mean that I am automatically mentally challenged.
So, I told him just what his fast-talking sales guy told me last year --that these windows would pay for themselves in a year---
It's been a year, so they're paid for, I told him.
There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally hung up.
He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.
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Old 08-19-2017, 08:17 PM   #4177
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Originally Posted by frayne View Post
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive, double-pane, energy-efficient kind.
Today, I got a call from Home Depot who installed them. The caller complained that the work had been completed a year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.
Just because I'm a Senior Citizen doesn't mean that I am automatically mentally challenged.
So, I told him just what his fast-talking sales guy told me last year --that these windows would pay for themselves in a year---
It's been a year, so they're paid for, I told him.
There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally hung up.
He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.
Too funny!
That is like the guy who bought a number of gas saving attachments for his car. He figured it saved him so much he would have to catch the overflow from his gas tank
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Old 08-24-2017, 10:06 AM   #4178
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Stolen from another forum:

I told two twins their matching outfits were cute.

"Did your mom buy you matching clothes?" I asked politely.

To which they answered, "We're not twins and could we see your license and registration please."
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Old 08-24-2017, 10:13 AM   #4179
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Here in England I just don't like the new pound coin. It's probably just me, I can't stand change.
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Old 08-24-2017, 11:26 AM   #4180
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My girlfriend asked me if I could have a threesome, which of her friends I would choose.




Apparently, I was only supposed to name one, not two.
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