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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 01-11-2006, 12:39 PM   #401
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy a ticket and watch as the three engineers only buy one ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant.

"Watch and you'll see," answered an engineer.

They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a rest room and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Tickets, please!" The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The accountants see this and agree it is a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money.

When they get to the station, they buy one ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant.

"Watch and you'll see," answered an engineer.

When they board the train all three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs.

Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Tickets, please!"

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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 01-11-2006, 12:44 PM   #402
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

An engineering student was walking across campus when another engineer rides up on a shiny new bicycle. "Where did you get such a great bike?" asked the first.

The second engineer replied "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said 'Take what you want.'"

The first engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 01-11-2006, 01:01 PM   #403
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!


On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter.
In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank. She explained that for the more than three decades she had charged" him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!"

That's when she shot him.

Moral of the story - Know when to keep your mouth shut.
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 01-11-2006, 03:36 PM   #404
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Start 'em young!!
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 01-11-2006, 03:39 PM   #405
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Hey no joke, Gabe likes spicy foods. I usually throw some chili in the food processor for him when I make it.
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 01-13-2006, 10:12 AM   #406
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Jarhead managed at the last minute to get a ticket to the Rose Bowl. He had the misfortune of sitting next to a very self-important college freshman who took it upon himself to explain to Jarhead why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his own.

"You grew up in a different, actually almost primitive, world." the student said, loud enough for everyone seated around them to hear. "We young people today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, man walking on the moon. Our spaceships have visited Mars, we have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed processing. And,uh..."

Taking advantage of a pause for breath in the student's litany, Jarhead said, "You're right, Son. We didn't have those things when we were young. So we invented them."


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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 01-13-2006, 02:56 PM   #407
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Subject: The New Husband Store in NYC

A store that sells husbands has just opened in New
York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband.
Among the instructions at the entrance is a
description of how the store operates.

You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six
floors and the attributes of the men increase as the
shopper ascends the flights.

There is, however, a catch: you may choose any man
from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a
floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the
building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a
husband. On the first floor the sign on the door
reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are
extremely good looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are
drop-dead good looking and help with the housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are
drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have
a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth
floor and the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor.
There are no
men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof
that women are impossible to please. Thank you for
shopping at the Husband Store.
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 01-14-2006, 11:51 PM   #408
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Here's a followup to the initial SITREP.

Snopes reports that the mouse may have been dead before immolation.

Or maybe the "Mouse Fire" guy has changed his story twice now.
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 01-17-2006, 08:06 PM   #409
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

This from a friend of mine in Thailand. A joke and in part a warning against foreign scams. Maybe our Thailand based members can comment............

"I have recently been the victim of the latest scam in Bangkok which is
happening in the Emporium car park.

Two good looking 18 year old women come to you as you are parking your
car. One starts wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, the
other comes to your window saying 'hi' while bending over with her
breasts almost coming out of her blouse, impossible not to look. When
you thank them and offer them a tip, they say no but beg you for a
ride into Silom.

You agree and tell them to sit in the back. On the way they start
having sex in the back seat. Then one of them performs oral sex on
you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I was assaulted last Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, & Friday, but
couldn't find them Saturday or Sunday.

Be careful."
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 01-18-2006, 07:45 AM   #410
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are THE seven dwarfs, they are ushered in to see the Pope. Dopey leads the pack.

"Dopey, my son," says the Pope, "what can I do for you?"

Dopey asks, "Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?"

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, "No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."

In the background a few of the dwarfs start giggling.

Dopey turns around and gives them a glare, silencing them.

Dopey turns back. "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?"

The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers. "No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe."

This time all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.

Once again Dopey turns around and silences them with an angry glare.

Dopey turns back and says, "Mr. Pope, are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?"

"I'm sorry Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."

The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding on the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting......


..

..

..

..


"Dopey screwed a penguin!"......



"Dopey screwed a penguin!"......
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 01-19-2006, 11:50 AM   #411
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Do you have feelings of inadequacy? Do you suffer from shyness?

Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?*

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Tequila(r).



Tequila(r) is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions.

Tequila(r) can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything. You will notice the benefits of Tequila(r) almost immediately, and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.* *Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past, and you will discover many talents you never knew you had.* Stop hiding and start living, with Tequila(r).


Tequila(r) may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Tequila(r).* However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it. Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 01-20-2006, 07:28 AM   #412
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Foxworthy on Wisconsin:

If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through
38 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food
will swim by, you might live in Wisconsin.

If you're proud that your region makes the national news 96 nights
each year because Park Falls is the coldest spot in the nation, you
might live in Wisconsin

If you have ever refused to buy something because it's "too
spendy", you might live in Wisconsin.

If your local Dairy Queen is closed from November through March,
you might live in Wisconsin.

If you instinctively walk like a penguin for five months out of the
year, you might live in Wisconsin

If someone in a store offers you assistance, and they don't work
there, you might live in Wisconsin.

If your dad's suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of
his forehead, you might live in Wisconsin.

If you may not have actually eaten it, but you have heard of Head
Cheese, you might live in Wisconsin.

If you have worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you might
live in Wisconsin.

If you have either a pet or a child named "Brett," you might live
in Wisconsin.

If your town has an equal number of bars and churches, you might
live in Wisconsin.

If you have had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who
dialed a wrong number, you might live in Wisconsin.

If you know how to say Oconomowoc, Waukesha, Menomonie & Manitowoc,
you might live in Wisconsin.

If you think that ketchup is a little too spicy, you might live in
Wisconsin.

If every time you see moonlight on a lake, you think of a dancing
bear, and you sing gently, "From the land of sky-blue
waters",....you might live in Wisconsin.
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 01-23-2006, 07:47 AM   #413
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Lawyer joke:

A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan
would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of
property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back
to 1803, which took the Lawyer three months to track down. After sending the
information to the FHA, he received the following reply

(Copy of Original Letter):

"Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we
note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we
compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the
application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the
proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before final approval can be
accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin."

Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows (Copy of actual letter):

"Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note
that you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years covered by
the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this
country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know
that Louisiana was purchased, by the U.S., from France in
1803, the year of origin identified in our application. For the edification
of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S.
ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of
Conquest from Spain. The land came into the possession of Spain by Right of
Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher
Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to
India by the Spanish monarch, Isabella.

The good queen, Isabella, being a pious woman and almost as careful about
titles as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope
before she sold her jewels to finance Columbus' expedition. Now the Pope,
as I'm sure you may know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God,
and God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe
it is safe to presume that God also made that part of the world called
Louisiana.

God, therefore, would be the owner of origin and His origins date back, to
before the beginning of time, the world as we know it AND the FHA. I hope
you find God's original claim to be satisfactory. Now, may we have our damn
loan?"

The loan was approved.


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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 01-24-2006, 11:06 AM   #414
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Early Retirement

After reading this, I think I'll work a little while longer!!!!

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger.

When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Greg......Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Martha. When I took "early retirement" last year, it became necessary for Martha to get a full-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf course about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating.

But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed. Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days.

That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean).

I like to think tact is one of my strong points. When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man.

I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too. I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Martha. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible!

Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other...Signed, Greg

EDITOR'S NOTE: Greg died suddenly on October 3rd. He was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II rammed up his ass, with only 2 inches of grip showing. His wife Martha was arrested, but the all-woman Grand Jury accepted her defense that he accidentally sat down on it very suddenly.
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 01-24-2006, 05:05 PM   #415
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Kind of hard on Greg, but a real side-splitter.

Did you write it?

Ha
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 01-25-2006, 07:03 AM   #416
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

This one is for Gabes dad

Jacob's Daily Journal

Due to an incredible scientific breakthrough accomplished with the newest and most sophisticated brain-wave analysis devices, it is now possible to literally read the minds of infants.

Despite the potential "brain drain" risks reported in a recent Newsweek cover story (one test child was rendered so mindless he is now mistaken almost daily for Maury Povich), I allowed Gabe to undergo a "head read," conducted in his natural environment. Here are the results.

Oooh! Look at that! I don't know what it is, but I'm gonna try to eat it...

Hey! What was I doing? I forget. I hate it when that happens. Oooh! Look at that! I don't know what it is, but I'm gonna try to eat it...

Where was I? Oh, yeah. I was gonna scale our home entertainment center. Now if I can just hoist myself up on this wire... Nope. No good. Maybe if I wrap it around my neck thusly...

Whoooops! Hey! I'm flying! Just like Superbaby! Flying through the skies to save the world from total destruction! I'm flying into... Oh, no!

My playpen?! WAAAAAAAAAAH! Help! Save me! WAAAAAAAAAH! NOT THE PLAYPEN! NOT THE...

Oooh! Look at that! I don't know what it is, but I'm gonna try to eat it...

Uh-oh. There's that rumbling noise. Maybe it's a false alarm... Nope! It's a mud slide! Run for your lives! WAAAAAAAAAH!

Phew. Mom showed up just in time. I was almost buried alive...

EEEYOW! Where you been keepin' those baby wipoes? In the deep-freeze? Next time, how about chippin' the ice off 'em first?

Hey! I'm flyin' again! Wheeee! Superbaby! Flying into...my crib? No! No! I'm not sleepy! Really! Heck, if I was sleepy, I wouldn't have the energy to do this: WAAAAaaaaHHHHHHhhhhHHHH! Or, for that matter, this: WAAAAAAAaaaaaHHHHHHHaaaaaHHHHHHHaaahhhHHH! Now lemme outta here! Mom? Mom? Zzzzzzzzzzzzz...

Huh? Where am I? Hmmm. Still in bed. Mom must have knocked me unconscious and left me here, trapped like a rat. Maybe I can climb out. Oooh! Look at that! I don't know what it is, but I'm gonna try to eat it...

Hey! There's Dad? He'll bust me outta this joint!... Hey, Dad, where ya going? You forgot to pick me up! WAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Ha. It worked. What a sucker.

Hiya, Dad. You know, you'd be a pretty good-lookin' guy if you didn't have all that hair on your face. Here, lemme rip it off for you with my world-famous vise grip... Oh calm down. Lemme try again, using both hands... Okay! Okay! I'll just yank out one hair at a time... Sheesh.

What a wimp. How about I just sink my dainty little razor-sharp fingernails into your face?...

WHOOOOPS! I'm flyin' again! No! NOOOOO! Not back to the playpen! WAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Oooh! Look at that! I don't know what it is, but I'm gonna try to eat it...

Hmmmm. I'm famished, and this mystery food ain't helping. Time to ring the dinner bell. WAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Joy of joys. Here comes Mom with some eats. What's on the menu tonight, Mom? ... Wow! Strained peas! My favorite! Gimme a big ol' honkin' spoonful. Mmm-mmm, good!

Say, Mom, now that my mouth is full of strained peas, wanna see my impression of an outboard motor? Watch this. It's great. PFFFFFFFFFFFFFHHHHHH! Not bad, huh?

Hey! Where'd the peas go? And where did this bottle come from? I don't want no stinkin' bottle. Here, I'll demonstrate by throwing it on the floor. See?

What are you doin'? Don't pick it up and give it back to me! Obviously, you're confused, so let's go over it one more time. When I throw my bottle THUSLY, it means "Ixnay on the ottlebay." Got that? In otherwords, more strained peas! More strained peas! More strained...

Whoooooops! Superbaby is flyin' back to the living room floor! Well, it's about time! Let's see. What was I doing before all those rude interruptions? Oh, yeah. I was scaling the home entertainment center. Now, where's that wire?...

Oooh! Look at that! I don't know what it is, but I'm gonna try to eat it...

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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 01-25-2006, 07:27 AM   #417
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

The Deaf Bookkeeper

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has screwed him out of ten million bucks; his bookkeeper is deaf.* It was considered an occupational benefit, and the reason he got the job in the first place, since it was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not be able to hear anything that he'd ever have to testify about in court.
When the Godfather goes to shakedown the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million bucks, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.
The Godfather asks the bookkeeper: "Where is the 10 million bucks you embezzled from me?"
The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the 10 million bucks is hidden.
The bookkeeper signs back:* "I don't know what you are talking about."
The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the bookkeepers temple, cocks it, and says: "Ask him again!"
The attorney signs to the underling:* "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!"
The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win!* The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"
The Godfather asks the attorney:* "Well, what'd he say?"
The attorney replies:* "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

Don't ya just love lawyers
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 01-25-2006, 11:57 AM   #418
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

Quote:
Originally Posted by HaHa
Kind of hard on Greg, but a real side-splitter.

Did you write it?

Ha
I wish I could take full credit but I did not write the whole thing...I just made some changes to fit our favorite couple here.

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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 01-26-2006, 07:39 AM   #419
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!


The Old Poodle


A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that she's lost. Wandering about, she notices a leopard heading rapidly in her direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep sh*t now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, she immediately settles down to chew on the bones with her back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with her back to her attackers, pretending she hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says: "Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"

Moral of this story..

Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and experience!
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!
Old 01-26-2006, 07:43 AM   #420
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Re: Its funny joke Thursday!

GOTTA LOVE DRUNK PEOPLE

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a
loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where
a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring out
there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you
remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys
helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of
yourself!"

The man does as he is
told, gets dressed, and goes out
into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.
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