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Old 08-26-2017, 04:39 AM   #4181
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Herb and Ellen met on a singles cruise and fell madly in love.

After returning home they continued to date.

Eventually, Herb proposed.

About a month before the wedding, Herb confessed, "There's something you need to know, I'm a golfer. I play every weekend, when I'm not playing, I'm watching.

Ellen replied, "There's something you need to know, for the last 10 yrs I've been a hooker."

To which Herb said, "Probably because you don't keep your left wrist straight."
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Old 09-22-2017, 08:15 PM   #4182
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Quote:
Originally Posted by REWahoo View Post
The convention and visitors bureau ran a contest of the funniest questions members had been asked by tourists. The winner was a question someone called to ask about the events scheduled for the big annual Balloon Festival: "Do you have to be Catholic to attend the mass ascension?"
I have a similar story. Absolutely true.

My friend worked one summer on the ferry that sails from WA to Alaska every summer. The ferry wanted the crew to be left alone by the tourists so they hired some people to lecture and answer questions.

My friend's favourite question usually happened along the Alaska panhandle. Remember - the entire trip is via salt water.

"What is the elevation here?"
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Old 09-24-2017, 01:22 PM   #4183
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A man is walking home alone late one foggy Halloween night, when behind him he hears:


BUMP...



BUMP...



BUMP...





Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.



BUMP...




BUMP...




BUMP...





Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him.




FASTER...



FASTER...




BUMP...




BUMP...




BUMP....




He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping.


clappity-BUMP...



clappity-BUMP..


clappity-BUMP...



on his heels, as the terrified man runs.



Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, he locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.



With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.









Bumping and clapping toward him.





The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...



and,















(hopefully you're ready for this!!!)


















The coffin stops
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Old 09-24-2017, 01:31 PM   #4184
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Quote:
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The coffin stops
<rimshot>
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Old 09-26-2017, 05:23 PM   #4185
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Santa and the FAA

Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Federal Aviation Administration, and the FAA examiner arrived last week for the pre-Christmas flight check.

In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer. Santa got his log book out and made sure all his paperwork was in order. He knew they would examine all his equipment and truly put Santa's flying skills to the test.

The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He checked the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear, and even Rudolph's nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santa's weight and balance calculations for the sled's enormous payload. Finally, they were ready for the check ride. Santa got in and fastened his seat belt and shoulder harness and checked the compass.

Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa's surprise, a shotgun.

"What's that for?!?" Asked Santa incredulously.

The examiner winked and said, "I'm not supposed to tell you this ahead of time," as he leaned over to whisper in Santa's ear, "but you're gonna lose an engine on takeoff."
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Old 10-03-2017, 03:21 PM   #4186
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Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.



One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.


The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.


After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, 'I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!'


'IMPOSSIBLE !' said the groom broom.


Are you ready for this?




Brace yourself; this is going to hurt! ! ! !! !








WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!'




.............




Oh for goodness sake... Laugh, or at least groan.




Life's too short not to enjoy... Even these silly




....little cute............. And clean jokes!!!!!!!!!!!!!









Sounds to me like she's ....... !




......been .....sweeping around!!!
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Old 10-03-2017, 03:23 PM   #4187
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Just awful...
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Old 10-03-2017, 03:30 PM   #4188
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An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see....Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
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Old 10-05-2017, 12:58 PM   #4189
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Retirement Plan B:
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Old 10-11-2017, 07:48 AM   #4190
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Marriage
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Old 10-11-2017, 02:20 PM   #4191
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Latest aviation banter...

St. Louis approach to United: "United 123 best forward speed to the marker, you're number one".

United 123 (male voice): "Roger, balls to the wall". (Slang for maximum speed.)

St. Louis approach to American: "American 4321, you're number two behind a United 737, follow him, cleared visual, best forward speed."

American 4321 (female voice): "Well I can't do balls to the wall but I can go wide open."

-Radio silence-

Unidentified Pilot (male voice): "Is American hiring?
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Old 10-14-2017, 10:48 AM   #4192
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Had to share this... Maybe just my weird sense of humor, but:

Caption: CHEESE:Who needs to be serious during a Revolutionary War reenactment? Certainly not this horse. He’s built for bigger and better things like comedy and show business.
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Old 10-14-2017, 10:51 AM   #4193
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When you have an 'I Hate My Job day'

[Even if you're retired, you sometimes have those days]

Try this out:




Stop at your chemist

and go to the thermometer section and

purchase a rectal thermometer made

by Johnson & Johnson.

Be very sure you get this brand.

When you get home, lock your doors,

draw the curtains and disconnect the phone

so you will not be disturbed.

Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favourite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer.

Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface

so that it will not become chipped or broken.

Now the fun part begins.

Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully.

You will notice that in small print there is a statement:

"Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized."


Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,' I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson.'


HAVE A NICE DAY; AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE BUTT THAN YOURS!

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Old 10-14-2017, 09:31 PM   #4194
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An Electrician gets in from the bars after midnight:

Electricians Wife: Wire you insulate?

Electrician: Watts it to you? I'm ohm ain't I?
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Old 10-15-2017, 02:07 PM   #4195
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The Black Bra (as told by a woman)
I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.
Here's how it all went…

My engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.
He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.

The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.
When he came in the door and saw me he said ….

















"What's for dinner, Zorro?"
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Tightwad Flyers....
Old 10-16-2017, 09:32 PM   #4196
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Tightwad Flyers....

Sue and Bob, a pair of tightwads, lived in the midwest, and had been married for years. Bob had always wanted to go flying. The desire deepened each time a barnstormer flew into town to offer rides.

Bob would ask, and Sue would say, "No way, ten bucks is ten bucks."

The years went by, and Bob figured he didn't have much longer, so he got Sue out to the show by explaining, "It's free to watch, let's at least watch." Once he got there, the feeling become real strong and an argument started.

Between flights the pilot overheard and said, "I'll tell you what. I'll take you up flying, and if you don't say a word the ride is on me. But if you make one sound, you pay the ten dollars."

So off they flew, the Pilot doing as many rolls, and dives as he could, heading to the ground as fast as the plane could go and pulling out of the dive at the very last second. Through all this the couple said not a word. Finally he admitted defeat and went back the airport.

"I'm surprised, why didn't you say anything?"

"Well I almost said something when Sue fell out, but ten bucks is ten bucks."
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Old 10-17-2017, 03:59 PM   #4197
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Three Holy Men and a Bear

A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher, and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard - a real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment.

They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experience.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. 'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.'

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next.. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he claimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus..Hallelujah!

The priest and the reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him.

He was in really bad shape.

The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, .......circumcision may not have been the best way to start."
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