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How smart is your right foot?
Old 11-21-2017, 03:41 PM   #4221
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How smart is your right foot?

This will confuse your mind and you will keep trying over and over again to see if you can outsmart your foot, but, you can't. It is pre-programmed in your brain!

1. While sitting at your desk in front of your computer, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles...

2. Now, while doing this, draw the number '6' in the air with your right hand. Your foot will change direction.

I told you so! And there's nothing you can do about it! You and I both know how stupid it is, but before the day is done you are going to try it again, if you've not already done so.
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What Is Wrong With Me?
Old 11-23-2017, 06:36 PM   #4222
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What Is Wrong With Me?

A man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do.

When the check-up was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."

"Well, in plain English," the doctor said, "you're just lazy."

"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."
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Old 11-23-2017, 07:09 PM   #4223
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My neighbor just walked past with two dogs. I said to him, “I didn’t know you had any dogs?”
He replied, “They’re not my dogs, they’re my sister's.”
I said, “Wow, your sisters are really ugly.”
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Old 11-30-2017, 11:55 AM   #4224
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Subject: 0% ON AN EXAM



A Student Who Obtained 0% On An Exam

I would have given him 100%! Each answer is absolutely grammatically
correct, and funny too. The teacher had no sense of humor. (Or the student
was brighter than the teacher!

Q1.. In which battle did Napoleon die?
* his last battle

Q2.. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
* at the bottom of the page

Q3.. River Ravi flows in which state?
* liquid

Q4.. What is the main reason for divorce?
* marriage

Q5.. What is the main reason for failure?
* exams

Q6.. What can you never eat for breakfast?
* Lunch & dinner

Q7.. What looks like half an apple?
* The other half

Q8.. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what will it become?
* Wet

Q9.. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ?
* No problem, he sleeps at night.

Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
* You will never find an elephant that has one hand.

Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples
and three oranges in other hand, what would you have?
* Very large hands

Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long
would it take four men to build it?
*No time at all, the wall is already built.

Q13. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without
cracking it?
*Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.
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Old 11-30-2017, 12:08 PM   #4225
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nemo2 View Post
Subject: 0% ON AN EXAM

A Student Who Obtained 0% On An Exam

I would have given him 100%!
Each answer is absolutely grammatically
correct, and funny too. The teacher had no sense of humor. (Or the student
was brighter than the teacher!
This isn’t as crazy as it seems. Some time around 1974, I was studying Latin in high school. On a test, we were given a poem by Ovid to translate to English. I was short of time, so I took an overview of the poem and wrote an eloquent paragraph that was entirely guesswork on my part. It was completely inaccurate but it sounded like Ovid’s voice. The prof gave me 100% for creativity.
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Old 11-30-2017, 12:27 PM   #4226
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Two golfers are ready to play on the 11th tee as a funeral procession passes by on the adjoining street. The first player stops, doffs his cap, and bows his head as the hearse rolls past.

“That was a really nice thing to do,” the second golfer says. “It’s good to see there is still some respect in the world.”

“Well, it’s only fitting,” the first golfer replies. “After all, we were married for 30 years.”
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Old 11-30-2017, 04:07 PM   #4227
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Alcohol Labels Just Like Cigarettes

Liquor manufacturers have accepted the Government's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol containers:


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering
what happened to your bra and panties.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you
are whispering when you are not.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your
friends over and over again that you love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you
can sing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-
lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can
logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that
you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think
people are laughing WITH you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may be a major factor in
getting your butt kicked..
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING: the crumsumpten of alcohol may Mack you tink you kan
tpye reel Gode.
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Old 11-30-2017, 05:42 PM   #4228
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A man got home real late one evening after a round of golf and his wife was giving him hell.
"You've been out since 6 this morning golfing with your buddies, while I've been with the kids all day and making dinner! " she says.
" Well", he said, "it's been a rough day. Harry had a heart attack on the second hole and ..."
" That's horrible! I'm so sorry for yelling at you, but dinner's getting cold. I'll understand if you can't eat, it musta been horrible."

" Well, it was", he explains, " all morning and afternoon, it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry."
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Old 11-30-2017, 06:52 PM   #4229
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Quote:
Originally Posted by REWahoo View Post
A fellow goes to the barber shop for a shave and haircut. He tells the barber his face is so wrinkly he can't get a close shave.

The barber goes to the shelf, and gets a small wooden ball, and tells him to put it in his cheek. That stretches the skin flat and the barber gives him a smooth shave. After, the guy says "That's the best shave I've EVER had, but, what if I accidentally swallowed the wooden ball?" The barber replies "Oh, just bring it back in a couple of days. That's what every else does".
Thanks!
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Old 11-30-2017, 08:07 PM   #4230
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A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family's 4-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough," more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, & gave her 20 little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars.
The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her 10 dollars "pay" she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed & asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us."

"Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied, "I will, if those @ssholes at Home Depot ever deliver the f__ _k’ng drywall.
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Old 12-06-2017, 03:21 PM   #4231
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https://youtu.be/Uo0KjdDJr1c

[Edit: This video is entitled "A Millennial Job Interview." It's pretty funny, if possibly offensive to some of the younger generation.]
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Old 12-06-2017, 03:25 PM   #4232
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Originally Posted by CaptTom View Post
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Old 12-06-2017, 03:29 PM   #4233
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Millenial job interview...
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Old 12-06-2017, 03:48 PM   #4234
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This 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, die in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to the wife’s neurotic interest in health food. When they reached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they "oohed and aahed", the old man asked St. Peter, "How much is this going to cost?".

"It’s free", St. Peter replied, “Remember, this is Heaven.”

Next they went out back to see the championship golf course their home backed on to. They would have golfing privileges every day, and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on Earth. The old man asked, "What are the green fees?"

"This is heaven," St. Peter replied. "You play for free!". Next they went out to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out.

"How much to eat?", asked the old man

"Don't you understand yet?" St. Peter asked. "This is heaven. It’s free".

"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods?" the old man asked timidly.

"That's the best part........you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven".

The old man looked at his wife and said, "You and your stupid bloody bran muffins! I could have been here ten years ago!"
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Old 12-06-2017, 03:55 PM   #4235
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My BIL was always a quick wit in his day.

He was a blond blue eyed good looking kid with a great tan and was shopping for school clothes with his mother.

An elderly lady looked him up and down and said "Are you tanned from the sun". He replied "No, I'm Dave from the Earth.
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Old 12-06-2017, 04:40 PM   #4236
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Stumbled across this while looking for something else:
Attached Images
File Type: jpg redneck_woman.jpg (43.5 KB, 36 views)
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Old 12-06-2017, 04:48 PM   #4237
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Stumbled across this while looking for something else:
What's else?😁
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Old 12-07-2017, 04:48 AM   #4238
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* If you attempt to rob a bank you won't have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years, whether or not you are successful.

* Do twins ever realize that one of them is unplanned?

* What if my dog only brings back my ball because he thinks I like throwing it?

* If poison expires, is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous?

* Which letter is silent in the word "Scent," the S or the C?

* Why is the letter W, in English, called double U? Shouldn't it be called double V?

* Maybe oxygen is slowly killing you and It just takes 75-100 years to fully work.

* Every time you clean something, you just make something else dirty

* The word "swims" upside-down is still "swims".

* Intentionally losing a game of rock, paper, scissors is just as hard as trying to win.

* 100 years ago everyone owed a horse and only the rich had cars.
Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses.

* Your future self is watching you right now through memories.

* The doctors who told Stephen Hawking he had two years to live in 1953 are probably dead.

* If you replace "W" with "T" in "What, Where and When", you get the answer to each of them.

* Many animals probably need glasses, but nobody knows it.

* If you rip a hole in a net, there are actually fewer holes in it than there were before.

* If 2/2/22 falls on a Tuesday, we'll just call it "2's Day". (It does fall on a Tuesday)-
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Old 12-07-2017, 12:43 PM   #4239
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Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill.

Who gets the $100?

The drunk, of course, the other three are fictional.
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Old 12-07-2017, 12:59 PM   #4240
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The difference between W@rk and Prison

In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
At w@rk you spend the majority of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

In prison you get three free meals a day.
At w@rk you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.

In prison you get time off for good behavior.
At w@rk you get rewarded for good behavior with more w@rk.

In prison the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
At w@rk you have to carry around a security card and open the doors yourself.

In prison you can watch TV and play games.
At w@rk you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

In prison you get your own toilet.
At w@rk you have to share toilets with some idiot who pees on the seat.

In prison they allow your family and friends to visit.
At w@rk you're not supposed to talk to your family.

In prison all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no w@rk required.
At w@rk they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

In prison you spend your time behind bars wanting to get out.
At w@rk you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go into bars.

In prison you deal with sadistic wardens.
At w@rk they’re called managers.
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