Join Early Retirement Today
Reply
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread Display Modes
Old 12-07-2017, 02:25 PM   #4241
Recycles dryer sheets
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Minneapolis
Posts: 156
Protesters at a rally:

"What do we want?"

"TIME TRAVEL!"

"When do we want it?"

"IT'S IRRELEVANT!"
__________________

BrianB is offline   Reply With Quote
Join the #1 Early Retirement and Financial Independence Forum Today - It's Totally Free!

Are you planning to be financially independent as early as possible so you can live life on your own terms? Discuss successful investing strategies, asset allocation models, tax strategies and other related topics in our online forum community. Our members range from young folks just starting their journey to financial independence, military retirees and even multimillionaires. No matter where you fit in you'll find that Early-Retirement.org is a great community to join. Best of all it's totally FREE!

You are currently viewing our boards as a guest so you have limited access to our community. Please take the time to register and you will gain a lot of great new features including; the ability to participate in discussions, network with our members, see fewer ads, upload photographs, create a retirement blog, send private messages and so much, much more!

Coldest Winter Ever....
Old 12-08-2017, 10:13 PM   #4242
Recycles dryer sheets
sheldon cornped's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 143
Coldest Winter Ever....

It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets, and when he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the weather was going to be.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared.

But also being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"

"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed," the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.

A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. "Is it going to be a very cold winter?"

"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's definitely going to be a very cold winter."

The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find.

Two weeks later, he called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's going to be one of the coldest winters ever."

"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.

The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting wood like crazy."
__________________

sheldon cornped is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-10-2017, 01:49 AM   #4243
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
Nemo2's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Belleville, ONT
Posts: 5,245
Stolen from elsewhere:

Two scientists walk into a bar.

"I'll have H2O," says the 1st.

"I'll have H2O, too," says the 2nd.

Bartender gives them water because he is able to distinguish the boundary tones that dictate the grammatical function of homonyms in coda position, as well as pragmatic context.


Who said commas don't count?
__________________
"Exit, pursued by a bear."

The Winter's Tale, William Shakespeare
Nemo2 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-10-2017, 04:21 PM   #4244
Moderator
Walt34's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Eastern WV Panhandle
Posts: 18,339
Little Willie was a chemist
A chemist he is no more
What he thought was H20
Was H2SO4
__________________
I heard the call to do nothing. So I answered it.
Walt34 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-10-2017, 06:17 PM   #4245
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
frayne's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: 19th Hole
Posts: 2,811
Quote:
Originally Posted by Walt34 View Post
Little Willie was a chemist
A chemist he is no more
What he thought was H20
Was H2SO4
Died of acid indigestion,
for lack of asking a question !
__________________
A totally unblemished life is only for saints.
frayne is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-10-2017, 10:49 PM   #4246
Recycles dryer sheets
sheldon cornped's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 143
Willie found some dynamite
Couldn't understand it quite
Curiosity never pays
It rained Willie 7 days

There was an old Hermit named Dave.....Never mind
sheldon cornped is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-12-2017, 08:55 AM   #4247
Thinks s/he gets paid by the post
 
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Winnipeg
Posts: 1,740
This is why you shouldn't put Christmas lights on palm trees

palm trees.jpg
Music Lover is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-22-2017, 01:38 PM   #4248
Moderator
Walt34's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Eastern WV Panhandle
Posts: 18,339
Complaints from Council House Owners.. These are genuine clips from
council complaint letters:


1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has
fungus growing in it.

2. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

3. It's the dogs' mess that I find hard to swallow.

4. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

5. And their 18-year-old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

6. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

7. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

8. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

9. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it, yesterday, and now she is pregnant

10. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

11. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are plain filthy.

12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

13. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.


- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


There was a huge banjo player’s convention in Atlanta with 200+ players in attendance.


A terrorist group kidnapped the entire bunch holding them as hostage.


They said they wanted $5M bucks, and if they didn't get it they would release one player every day until they were paid.
__________________
I heard the call to do nothing. So I answered it.
Walt34 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-22-2017, 09:44 PM   #4249
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
NW-Bound's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 21,769
A farmer and his wife went to a fair, where a bush pilot was offering rides in his open cockpit airplane for $50. The farmer had never been in the air, and wanted the experience. But being frugal, he kept haggling with the pilot to lower the fare.

Exasperated, the pilot said, "OK I will take you two up for $25. You will get a ride of your life. But if you make a sound during the flight, you will have to pay full price".

In the air, the pilot pulled a lot of stunts, and really pushed the envelope. He did barrel rolls and loops. Behind him, the farmer and his wife were quiet as a mouse, not a single word.

After they landed, and while taxiing, the pilot said to the farmer behind him "OK, I am impressed that you two did not make a sound throughout the flight".

The farmer opened up. "Well, I thought Bessie was going to scream as she was falling out".
__________________
"Old age is the most unexpected of all things that can happen to a man" -- Leon Trotsky
NW-Bound is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-22-2017, 11:24 PM   #4250
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
NW-Bound's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 21,769
The above joke was told by Isaac Asimov. Here's another one from him.

Two longshoremen were sitting on a bench having a lunch break. One said to the other.

"Say, Joe, do you go for fat women with greasy hair?"
"No way!"
"How about women with a flat face, a snub nose, and cross eyes?"
"Of course not!"
"What about ones with crooked teeth and bad breath?"
"Not on your life!"

Silence fell upon them. Finally, the first one talked again.

"Then, how come you sleep with my wife?"
__________________
"Old age is the most unexpected of all things that can happen to a man" -- Leon Trotsky
NW-Bound is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-23-2017, 07:24 PM   #4251
Recycles dryer sheets
sheldon cornped's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 143
A cop calls for backup from a crime scene.

This is officer Ollie, please send backup, a woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she had just mopped clean.

Have you arrested the woman?

No Sir! - The floor is still wet.
sheldon cornped is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-24-2017, 04:10 PM   #4252
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
NW-Bound's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 21,769
Three friends were sitting around, shooting the breeze.

The first man said, "If my doctor told me that I had six months to live, I would sell my home, my business, then take all the money to the French Riviera. I would have a great time, eating, drinking, partying, having lots of wild women for companions".

The second man said, "If my doctor told me that, I would also sell everything and travel the world. I would go see all the wonders of the world, the Taj Mahal, the Great Wall, Petra, and the likes".

The third man shook his head, "If my doctor told me I had six months to live, the first thing I would do is to go consult another doctor".
__________________
"Old age is the most unexpected of all things that can happen to a man" -- Leon Trotsky
NW-Bound is offline   Reply With Quote
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
Old 12-24-2017, 04:13 PM   #4253
Recycles dryer sheets
sheldon cornped's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 143
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"Because you died on Christmas," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle," he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates," Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They jingle, so they symbolize bells."

Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates."

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "They're Carol's."
sheldon cornped is offline   Reply With Quote
A couple is walking in St. Petersburg Square on Christmas Eve
Old 12-24-2017, 04:16 PM   #4254
Recycles dryer sheets
sheldon cornped's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 143
A couple is walking in St. Petersburg Square on Christmas Eve

They feel a slight precipitation.

"I think it’s raining," says the man.

"No, it’s snowing," replies the woman.

"How about we ask this Communist officer here? He is always right!" exclaims the man. "Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?"

"Definitely raining," Officer Rudolph replies before walking off.

The man turns to his wife with a smile. “See? Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.”
sheldon cornped is offline   Reply With Quote
Three guys are fishing in the Carribean.
Old 12-24-2017, 04:19 PM   #4255
Recycles dryer sheets
sheldon cornped's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 143
Three guys are fishing in the Carribean.

One guy says, “I had a terrible fire and lost everything. Now the insurance is paying for everything, and that’s why I am here.”

The second guy says, “I had a terrible explosion. I lost everything. Now the insurance company is paying for everything and that’s why I am here.”

The third guy says, “What a coincidence! I had a terrible flood; I lost everything. Now the insurance company is paying for everything and that’s why I’m here!”

The other two guys turn to him with confusion and ask, “Flood? How do you start a flood?”
sheldon cornped is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-24-2017, 04:24 PM   #4256
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Posts: 11,401
Quote:
Originally Posted by sheldon cornped View Post
They feel a slight precipitation.

"I think it’s raining," says the man.

"No, it’s snowing," replies the woman.

"How about we ask this Communist officer here? He is always right!" exclaims the man. "Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?"

"Definitely raining," Officer Rudolph replies before walking off.

The man turns to his wife with a smile. “See? Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.”
Meadbh is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-24-2017, 05:51 PM   #4257
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
NW-Bound's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 21,769
Prankster: "With which hand do you stir your coffee?"

Victim: "I use my right hand".

Prankster: "Funny. I use a spoon".
__________________
"Old age is the most unexpected of all things that can happen to a man" -- Leon Trotsky
NW-Bound is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12-27-2017, 07:25 AM   #4258
Moderator
braumeister's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Northern Kentucky
Posts: 11,116
Please, take care of yourself out on the roads this holiday season.

A recent joint study conducted by the Department of Health and the Department of Motor Vehicles indicates that 23% of traffic accidents are alcohol related.

This means that the remaining 77% are caused by a$$holes that drink bottled water, Starbucks, soda, juice, energy drinks, and $#!t like that.

Therefore, beware of those who do not drink alcohol. They cause three times as many accidents. This message is sent to you by someone who worries about your safety.
__________________
I thought growing old would take longer.
braumeister is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 12-27-2017, 09:43 AM   #4259
Recycles dryer sheets
 
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Yonder
Posts: 352
Here's a joke that was told during WW2.

Hitler decides he wants to invade England, and asks his generals to make plans.

"But mein Fuehrer, we can't invade, because the English Channel is stopping us."

Hitler then asks for ideas about getting across the channel.

"Well we could do what Moses did, and part the water".

"Great idea! How did he do that?"

"He used the Staff of Moses to part the water."

"Great, we'll use that too! Where is it?"

"Well that's a problem you see. It's in the British Museum"
tfudtuckerpucker is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-03-2018, 09:36 AM   #4260
Give me a museum and I'll fill it. (Picasso)
Give me a forum ...
harley's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Following the nice weather
Posts: 7,104
Boudreaux, the smoothest-talking Cajun in the Louisiana National Guard, got called up to active duty. His first assignment was in a military induction center.

Because he was a good talker, they assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about government benefits, especially the GI insurance to which they were entitled. The officer in charge soon noticed that Boudreaux was getting a 99% sign-up rate for the more expensive supplemental form of GI insurance. This was remarkable, because it cost these low-income recruits $30.00 per month more for the higher coverage, compared to what the government was already providing at no charge.

The officer decided he’d sit in the back of the room at the next briefing and observe Boudreaux’s sales pitch.

Boudreaux stood up before the latest group of inductees and said: “If you has da normal GI insurans an’ you goes to Afghanistan an’ gets youself killed, da govment’ pays you benefishery $20,000.

If you takes out da suppmental insuransa, which cost you only t’irty dollars a munt, den da governmen’ gots ta pay you benefishery $500,000!"

“Now,” Boudreaux concluded, “which bunch you tink da governmen’ gonna send ta Afghanistan first?”
__________________

__________________
"Good judgment comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement." - Anonymous (not Will Rogers or Sam Clemens)
DW and I - FIREd at 50 (7/06), living off assets
harley is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 2 (1 members and 1 guests)
folivier
Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
A new low - this has got to be a joke Cool Dood FIRE and Money 9 07-11-2006 04:05 PM
Funny Joke Friday. Cut-Throat Other topics 1 07-07-2006 03:48 PM
Funny Car Ad TromboneAl Other topics 2 07-01-2005 08:21 PM

» Quick Links

 
All times are GMT -6. The time now is 06:01 AM.
 
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.8 Beta 1
Copyright ©2000 - 2018, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.